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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I've sent you the money for your birthday present"

147 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/05/2020 00:40

If someone very close to you knew you wanted something specific for your birthday and then said "I have sent you the money for X so you can order it for your birthday" how would you feel?

Its on Amazon, they have Prime.

YABU - Dont be such an ungrateful bitch, you're getting what you wanted for your birthday!

YANBU - Would it have killed them to order it themselves, its thoughtless and shows a lack of care and effort.

OP posts:
GreyGardens88 · 31/05/2020 09:13

If someone did this for me I would have thought "how lovely" I wouldn't have gone on MN to make a bitchy post about how thoughtless they are

People really are strange

cate16 · 31/05/2020 09:19

Ive just done this with my daughter, I could have ordered it, but I checked with her and she is ordering it to be in control of the delivery times. That way she can also easily track the passage - she's more than happy.

icansmellburningleaves · 31/05/2020 09:19

What is it with the ungrateful women on here moaning about presents!!
She remembered your birthday, you can buy what you want, don’t be so high maintenance.

SingaporeSlinky · 31/05/2020 09:19

It is lazy, but that’s half the problem with sending someone a link to a present. I think a present to a person that close to you should be well thought out, chosen as a surprise and given, or in these times, posted. Once you’ve sent a link, I don’t see how it makes too much difference whether it was ordered to arrive to your address, or transfer of money - the surprise has gone.

Why don’t you suggest that next year you’d like it if you could both actually put some thought into each other’s gifts so they’re a surprise.

Grumpos · 31/05/2020 09:26

Whilst I would have once found this irritating and would want my partner to show real effort in buying and wrapping presents and things like that - I can’t be arsed with it now. The bigger picture is far More important.

IF your bt is generally a good person and shows you love and respect but is a bit crap at life admin then I suggest you might have to just accept him at that level.

IF he’s lazy and thoughtless in other areas too, that’s a different story. You may wish to explore what a future with someone like this would be like.

remember - you probably irritate him too with one or two of your personality quirks, we all irritate our partners some times, the question is, is it important in the bigger picture? If it is then you have to decide how Important.
remembering that people can rarely change their nature.

TheLadyAnneNeville · 31/05/2020 09:29

Really? 🤦‍♀️

Mulhollandmagoo · 31/05/2020 09:29

I voted YABU based on your post....and then I read it was your boyfriend, that's a bit naff that he couldn't order it and either have it delivered to you or delivered to him and do a doorstep delivery. You say he has a history of laziness and procrastination? There is nothing less attractive to me than that and I would definitely be having a long hard think about whether I wanted to continue with this, not because of the present, but because from experience you tend to have to act more like a mother to men like these and it just becomes hard work

ToddlerBumpBorderCollie · 31/05/2020 09:29

Unless the bank transfer was accompanied by something thoughtful (not necessarily costly but a lovely written card/some flowers/a letter) I’d be having words.

littlebirdieblue · 31/05/2020 09:31

This would piss me off if my partner did the same. It's thoughtless and it gives off a 'you're not that important to me' vibe.

Candyfloss99 · 31/05/2020 09:31

I would be upset. You know you'll have a life of him putting in very minimal effort and no romance. I suppose you should just be grateful he's shown you who he is. However what is it your birthday yet? What if he's planning to surprise you another way on your birthday with a present he's chosen?

Whattheduck · 31/05/2020 09:31

Wouldn’t bother me I’d just be grateful that they were bothering and the cash is better than nothing

BlackberryCane · 31/05/2020 09:35

I can understand that people whose love language is presents and who think that's a way to show you care would want something that thought had gone into. It's hard to comprehend though why buying the thing OP said she wants would show any more thought than sending the money. Doing that still wouldn't have involved any real mental input, if that's your thing.

squirrelsbizaar · 31/05/2020 09:49

I would have thought it would take more effort to post money to you than actually order something off Amazon.
Withdraw cash, find suitable envelope, buy stamp, put in post box , or click on amazon - job done. He probably forgot to buy present and will blame lost/ stolen in post, when money gift doesn’t arrive.

LannieDuck · 31/05/2020 09:56

The fact it's your boyfriend does make a difference here. If it was a parent, I don't think I could get worked up over it.

But a boyfriend is supposed to show you that they care, to be thoughtful and to make you smile on your birthday. Shoving some money at you isn't the same thing at all. It actually feels a bit icky to me, like paying you off.

From your early comment, it's clear that it the thought that counts with gifts, and not how much he spends on the gift. This was zero thought. In fact, you made all the effort - finding something you'd like, sending him the link... and now even ordering it for yourself.

quietheart · 31/05/2020 09:56

I would think sent money meant bank transfer, don’t even have to move and it can be done last minute.

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 31/05/2020 09:59

What’s the saying about looking a gift horse in the mouth ?.

bullyingadvice2017 · 31/05/2020 10:00

If your the sort of person who finds this very different from their view. Maybe a partner with such differing views isn't going to work.

I have a friend who I think is high maintenance around birthdays. She would think it's rude and thoughtless sticking a tenner in a card for the kids birthdays. Where as I would rather they choose something they like with my £10, or put it to other money for something they wanted. Than me guess and them not like it. It would not even cross my mind as rude at all. I personally just don't really get adults making a fuss about their birthdays... the ones I know who do are all rather precious.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/05/2020 10:01

Yes, bank transferring the money over to pay for something that you have taken the trouble to choose and then have to make the effort to order isn't exactly hanging out the bunting is it? It's kind of minimal effort but still deserves an effusive 'thank you' and proper gratitude.

So he's kind of got you over a barrel on that one. If you call him out on it, you are being ungrateful. If you suck it up, then it's a lifetime of minimal effort gifts in front of you.

BlackberryCane · 31/05/2020 10:11

Seems unlikely that OP meant anything other than bank transfer. But even then, if he had ordered the present itself and had it sent to OP, that would've been maybe three minutes work instead of one. I can't see how that would show any more effort or care really, once OP has chosen and requested the present itself.

Spied · 31/05/2020 10:11

Maybe he looked to order it but it was likely to arrive after your Birthday or something so he thought it better to send you the money as you might have know somewhere you could source it faster?
Maybe he thought if it didn't arrive in time he would feel like he hadn't got you something so he gave you money to take that possibility away?
Maybe he thought it a faff sending it to your address or maybe he forgot your address and didn't want to say (we all know types who know where you live but forget particulars? Grin)

I'd be pleased he sent the money.

Toddlerteaplease · 31/05/2020 10:20

That's what my parents do all the time. And I do the same to them. Don't see the issue!

Dinosforall · 31/05/2020 10:28

YANBU OP. We never go crazy for birthdays, Christmas etc, so could easily afford to get ourselves a gift worth £x. So for us the care is in either the choosing or the organising so that the recipient doesn't have to do it.

BarbaraofSeville · 31/05/2020 10:35

YANBU. I would have been more pleased by the Haribo than ten packs of Lego if I were you, because that shows that he's thought about what you like, bought it, and delivered it to you.

For adults with their own money, the cost is immaterial.

You choosing your own gift, or even worse, him giving you money to buy it isn't a gift because he's put no thought into it, once you've identified the item, you might as well just buy it yourself, it's normal shopping, dressing it up into a gift 'from him' is pointless and achieves nothing except making him think he has got you a nice gift, when he hasn't because he's not had to do any thinking or finding.

EmpressSuiko · 31/05/2020 10:44

This is all down to personal preference.

I don’t see any issue, me and my husband have bought our own gifts as we know what we want and it’s easier and I’ve always preferred to be given cash, it’s makes life a lot easier.

The one thing that does sometimes upset me is that I make cakes for my family on their birthdays and I never get one in return but it’s my choice to do that so not something I should expect back really.

If you prefer someone giving you a gift as you feel more effort has been put in then you just need to let him know, people think and feel differently on the subject so your bf might not see it as a big deal.

Nevertouchakoala · 31/05/2020 10:51

It sounds like this is a symptom of a bigger issue. Maybe you feel he’s lazy or isnt very thoughtful? Also remember life isn’t a Disney film romance and thoughtfulness comes in all different shapes and sizes

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