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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I've sent you the money for your birthday present"

147 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/05/2020 00:40

If someone very close to you knew you wanted something specific for your birthday and then said "I have sent you the money for X so you can order it for your birthday" how would you feel?

Its on Amazon, they have Prime.

YABU - Dont be such an ungrateful bitch, you're getting what you wanted for your birthday!

YANBU - Would it have killed them to order it themselves, its thoughtless and shows a lack of care and effort.

OP posts:
eaglejulesk · 31/05/2020 01:49

It wouldn't worry me at all - you are overthinking this. I agree with cornish009 and you should be grateful, not complaining.

Lynda07 · 31/05/2020 01:53

It wouldn't bother me at all, has often happened in the past.

grisen · 31/05/2020 01:59

Doesn’t bother me, my partner used to do it all the time to ensure the address would be correct. Not a sinister thing at all. In fact we live together now with mostly shared finances and for my birthday he gave me his card and a spending limit... Does it come in different colours? Also if something happens, items don’t arrive/wrong colour or model or something you can deal with it yourself instead of through him.

TheThingWithFeathers · 31/05/2020 02:01

My mum does this, it drives me nuts. If my partner did it, I'd be quite hurt that they hadn't made the effort.

NeutrinoWrangler · 31/05/2020 02:07

If it bothers you and is part of a pattern, maybe you could tell him, gently. If he knows this sort of thing bothers you and still does it, you'll have to decide how big of a problem it is for you.

It's probably not going to be easy to change him if this is who he is, tbh, but you could try by explaining that feeling he's put some thought and effort into a gift is important to you and makes you feel valued. On the other hand, he may think you're putting too much pressure and importance on (what might seem to him to be) minor details.

I can see how this might make you feel unimportant, but unless you tell him that, he might not get it.

wildcherries · 31/05/2020 02:09

It wouldn't bother me, especially this year. It's small stuff. And you still get the item you want.

Muh2020 · 31/05/2020 02:27

I'd be happy with that.
I always prefer receiving money as a gift.

NaomiFromMilkShake · 31/05/2020 02:33

I would eyeball him and say message received and understood.

I would then make plans to shelve him soon.

Tropical2 · 31/05/2020 02:38

YABU - My Mum does this every Christmas and Birthday, I don't have a problem with it. If you order it yourself it means you can sort out the return/exchange if there's an issue with it rather than have the sender sort it out. Either way you're getting it in a brown box, unwrapped. I'd be annoyed if it wasn't "prime" and I had to pay postage costs.

user1473878824 · 31/05/2020 02:39

It would bother me hugely if a boyfriend did this to me. My DP can be crap with lots of stuff but he’d never get me to order my own present. A friend doing it, even my mum, who I am very close to, doing it wouldn’t matter. But a boyfriend... it’s the lack of effort. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

BusterGonad · 31/05/2020 04:28

It's so impersonal and I'd expect more from a partner, especially one I don't live with, if you're not living together than surely you are still at the stage where you should be making an effort, what I mean is when you live together you tend to become very comfortable together and show your good and bad sides, and things slide etc. I'm not saying it's right but it happens. If I didn't live with my boyf/partner I'd expect some effort made, a card in the post, a nicely wrapped present sent (due to lockdown). Not a text saying "I've sent a bank transfer, happy birthday love" nah. Thoughtless and upsetting imo.

melj1213 · 31/05/2020 04:31

YABU- for online ordering, especially at the moment, I would prefer to give the recipient the money so they can order the item themselves. That way if there is an issue with delivery/returns/faults etc then the recipient can deal directly with the company without having to go through me as an intermediary.

Additionally, if it's something that has multiple variations then I would rather let the recipient order exactly what they want - whether it's a particular size, colour, specification etc - than risk buying something that turns out to be the right item but wrong detail (eg the right dress but the wrong colour, or the right mobile phone brand but the wrong handset model) especially if it is expensive.

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 31/05/2020 04:42

Totally outing but it is a specific Lego set (judge me, I dont care! Most people will need AA after lockdown, I will need Lego rehab)

If he'd said "If I send you the money, would you order it in case it's wrong/I get it wrong/whatever" then that would be different. But he made a huge song and dance about making sure he knew what I wanted and literally all I got was "I've sent you the money for your present". End of.

And to the PP's who said it, yes it is making me question things. Not this on its own, but its confirmed what I thought which is that he will always take the easiest route for him.

OP posts:
grisen · 31/05/2020 04:43

@melj1213 why is she BU by online ordering at the moment? Keeps the economy going and people in jobs. Anyways it’s all contactless deliveries, at least where I am, so the driver just dumps it outside, rings the door bell and you pick it up. Perfectly safe.

grisen · 31/05/2020 04:47

@PyongyangKipperbang I just saw your update and much to my delight I have the same addiction hobby as you.
And for my birthday/Mother’s Day/just freaking yesterday my partner just gives me his card and I order what I want (although always off the Lego site for the VIP points = MORE LEGO). He used to transfer me the money when we lived apart because I buy it quicker than I can update himalthough he is very romantic and brings me flowers home at least once a week and is all around the more romantic one.

I’d talk to him, tell him it hurt a little.

Frozenfan2019 · 31/05/2020 04:49

I changed my vote when I saw it was your boyfriend. I think it's thoughtless.

It reminds me a bit of Lee from the office.

I also think given you are not living together during lockdown and must be missing seeing each other a more romantic gesture would have been nice. Did he send you a nice card or something that was a bit of a surprise? I assume not

Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 31/05/2020 04:50

I have told him.

Yesterday he posted some Haribo through my door just because he knows I like them, so maybe the message is getting through. He would never have done that before.

I am HP lego!

OP posts:
Original poster
PyongyangKipperbang · 31/05/2020 04:52

I doubt I will get a card tbh..... birthday is tomorrow (today.... Sunday). Awake until sun up as had an intruder on Thursday night so I cant sleep while its dark at the moment.

OP posts:
grisen · 31/05/2020 05:03

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Now let’s hope he learnt something and orders you a surprise food delivery!! Because cooking on your birthday is the worst!

I’m so sorry to hear about your intruder, I hope you can put it behind you soon.

lemontreebird · 31/05/2020 05:12

What you need is an Amazon wishlist. Then he can't get it wrong.

Wife2b · 31/05/2020 05:25

I couldn’t get worked up about this. Either way he has given a gift for your birthday. Your attitude OP sounds ungrateful, I think you’d have a case if he had forgotten and not given a gift at all. Pick your battles, stop overthinking things, order your gift and enjoy your birthday. There is a pandemic happening you know.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2020 05:33

Sorry to hear about the intruder. I had someone come into the bedroom while I was asleep. The guy was a burglar and ran away when he saw I was in bed. It took a long time but it does get better.

As for the present I think it’s rubbish. He’s furloughed. He has plenty of time.

Quarantimespringclean · 31/05/2020 05:34

I agree with you completely OP. My partner is very similar. I’ve given up on giving or receiving gifts from him because I found his persistent failure to put any effort into buying me a present so hurtful. He is not stingy in any way, he is the sole earner and is happy for me to buy myself anything I want from our joint accounts but buying and wrapping something is beyond him for some reason. I’ve had to manage my expectations in that area.

As for the procrastinating on phone calls/household jobs - could that be down to depression? I know if I’m in a bad patch even the smallest of tasks can appear overwhelming and I find phone calls particularly difficult.

Redwren · 31/05/2020 06:13

Yanbu. This is a real sore point between my husband and I. I dont really make a fuss of my birthdays but I'd love him to make a bit of effort. It's a big birthday for me next weekend, I've given him ideas. I ordered myself a new pair of trainers and when they came on friday he was like "happy birthday", I said no I've bought these for me and he tried to argue they could be my present from him but I've refused, he didnt even actually offer me the £50 for them! Thing is usually I make plans for my birthday, nothing huge not expecting anything of anyone just things I want to do that dh and our daughters enjoy to but this year I've had to cancel everything so some effort from him would have been nice

Blondebakingmumma · 31/05/2020 06:15

Wouldn’t bother me. This is widely done in my family

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