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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I've sent you the money for your birthday present"

147 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/05/2020 00:40

If someone very close to you knew you wanted something specific for your birthday and then said "I have sent you the money for X so you can order it for your birthday" how would you feel?

Its on Amazon, they have Prime.

YABU - Dont be such an ungrateful bitch, you're getting what you wanted for your birthday!

YANBU - Would it have killed them to order it themselves, its thoughtless and shows a lack of care and effort.

OP posts:
HappydaysArehere · 31/05/2020 08:18

All this sounds really childish. You have the money so order it and be pleased.

TheMandalorian · 31/05/2020 08:22

He sounds a bit thoughtless and not that bothered about you. Is this who you really want to spend your time and energy on?

ChimpsInClothes · 31/05/2020 08:27

We had it drilled into us as children that we should always be grateful for a gift, even if not to our tastes, because it's the thought that counts.
If there's no thought at all, no effort, then yes I would be hurt.

If I really don't know what to buy people I ask if they have an Amazon wishlist, it takes me minutes to choose something off the list to buy, they get something they want.

Settlersofcatan · 31/05/2020 08:29

I prefer someone to actually choose a present for me - I don't even like having to come up with ideas. Would rather not have a present at all (genuinely) than have to choose my own and order it myself. What is the point?

Standrewsschool · 31/05/2020 08:30

I’ve concluded that are a few camps of present buying.

  1. You go out and buy a gift for the recipient, you choose and it’s a surprise for the person.
  2. The person suggests a wish list for the buyer, either because they want something specific, or the buyer asks for one.
  3. Buyer says to person, you get something and I’ll give you the money.
Standrewsschool · 31/05/2020 08:34

@chimpsinclothes - I so agree.

We always accepted presents whether you liked it or not (thinking of the Ribena coloured petticoats I got from an elderly relative one year as a teen). Now, recipients will demand the receipt if it’s not right almost before the birthday day is out. I appreciate that you don’t want things to go to waste etc, but people see ungrateful nowadays. What happened to the thought that counts?!

Anydreamwilldo12 · 31/05/2020 08:35

Do the same to him on his birthday, he's lazy and thoughtless

Autumnsloth · 31/05/2020 08:39

I voted Yabu but seeing it's your boyfriend then you are not being unreasonable. Should expect more effort. How long have you been together?

TheWernethWife · 31/05/2020 08:40

what I was planning to do for his birthday if lockdown was still on.

Then don't do it, give him money instead. See if he likes that.

callmeadoctor · 31/05/2020 08:40

Maybe Amazon had a late send date, or he was worried it could be delayed, have u asked him?

moolady1977 · 31/05/2020 08:41

I totally understand how you feel op ,it was my birthday a few days ago and my oh had an unexpected bill come out the bank so asked to borrow some money to get me a card and present I only asked for a cd ,come my birthday I got a card a box of chocolates I don't particularly like and a cheap bunch of flowers his reason was they didn't have the cd ,and I'm still waiting for the money to be transferred back so I'm reality I bought myself shitty chocolate and flowers. Yes I'm grumpy over it because we normally go away for my birthday.

Shoxfordian · 31/05/2020 08:42

It's really lazy
I don't expect this is the only way in which he is a shit boyfriend

AMostExcellentStick · 31/05/2020 08:45

I am fully on your side here OP! I'd rather get something cheap that showed a smidgen of thought than something expensive which doesn't.

Might be worth having a look at the love languages. I don't take the concept too seriously, but was not surprised when I came out as wanting to receive gifts. It's taken my partner years to understand that it's not about the value of a gift, it's the fact that a gift says "I was thinking about you". So "I was walking past Smith's and thought you'd like this magazine" has much more emotional resonance than "I'll take you shopping and you can choose any jewellery you want".

People who prefer to give or receive money are literally talking/feeling another language. It can be hard to get on the same page. My partner and I now have a compromise where I send him a detailed gift list of ideas for him to pick from. He's even building up confidence in choosing off-list! It's only taken ten years...

PersephoneandHades · 31/05/2020 08:49

I said YABU at first but now that I know it is your boyfriend and he has a pattern of laziness I think you have reason to be a bit hurt.

Also, happy birthday!

Muffinandcake123 · 31/05/2020 08:56

I say be grateful. Its my birthday today and I haven't got anything..

Notthetoothfairy · 31/05/2020 08:56

I would be fine with this, as long as the money transferred did actually cover the cost (so assuming he’s not trying to be stingy by, say, transferring £50 whilst acting as if he didn’t know the item actually cost £70).

SpockPaperScissorsLizardRock · 31/05/2020 08:56

Sorry, I have no comment on your partner. But I just sent DH the link to the Lego Bookshop for my upcoming 40th!
Love those modular buildings Grin

diddl · 31/05/2020 08:59

If he thought it was better for Op to order it in case it needs returning & they're not seeing each other due to lockdown, then he could have said so.

As for not bothering with his birthday-would he care?

Often those who are careless about others birthdays surely don't care about their own?

cdtaylornats · 31/05/2020 09:01

I'd prefer it. If they bought it and it goes wrong then you have to get them to complain to Amazon, who send them the return sticker, you send them the gift back etc.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/05/2020 09:02

This is how XPs whole family handle Christmas and birthdays. They buy themselves something and then ask for the money for it. So it's technically been 'given' to them, but they had to do all the hard work.

I found it joyless in the extreme. And also slightly uncaring. It's like shoving money in a Sorry You're Leaving card and telling the recipient to buy themselves something nice...

BlackberryCane · 31/05/2020 09:04

Yeah there is a pretty realistic possibility that he won't have any problem at all with not bothering. Lots of people who aren't very into present buying and don't view selecting and giving an item as important would be grateful to be released from any feeling of reciprocal obligation. However, if he does complain then it isn't a love language thing: he's being a hypocrite and that's a problem.

Bluesheep8 · 31/05/2020 09:05

I don't understand why some people are saying they're pissed off if someone is kind enough to send them money for their birthday. Seems really ungrateful to me Confused

FourDecades · 31/05/2020 09:05

YANBU. This was one thing that used to really upset me with XH.

I just wanted him to show that he did love, care and respect me by putting in some effort. At the beginning of our relationship he was great but as time went on, he made less and less effort.... and we were together over 20 years..... so the fact that he is still just a boyfriend and you don't live together, doesn't bode well for the future.

RandomMess · 31/05/2020 09:05

Assuming you have spoken to him before about being lazy and thoughtless I would be very hurt.

His comment about making a phone call tomorrow suggests either he suffers with depression (could be long term) or it's who he is. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like that - I can be like that due to depression and it's a horrible thing to live with long term...

Blinkyblonkyblimey · 31/05/2020 09:11

This happens to me every birthday and Christmas. I think of, buy and wrap gifts for all the family and (as though these events come as a huge surprise) my husband will say something like, ‘Oh, I suppose I’d better get you something, hadn’t I?’ or as last year, ‘Are we still doing presents?’ Another excuse is that he ‘doesn’t know what I like’. We’ve been together for many, many years and I have several hobbies and interests, so that’s a crap excuse. Although he pays, it always ends up with me having to get my own gift. Like you say, OP, it isn’t necessarily about how much is spent on a present, it’s the thought behind it. I will always find it hurtful that he simply can’t be arsed.