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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I've sent you the money for your birthday present"

147 replies

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/05/2020 00:40

If someone very close to you knew you wanted something specific for your birthday and then said "I have sent you the money for X so you can order it for your birthday" how would you feel?

Its on Amazon, they have Prime.

YABU - Dont be such an ungrateful bitch, you're getting what you wanted for your birthday!

YANBU - Would it have killed them to order it themselves, its thoughtless and shows a lack of care and effort.

OP posts:
quietheart · 31/05/2020 06:19

Happy Birthday Cake

On the boyfriend situation, you have said he has a history of thoughtlessness, procrastination and laziness. So ordering the item from Amazon for you would have taken preparation sending money is instantaneous. So there's your answer.

Plus he will not have the hassle of returns or refunds should something go wrong. I dislike the saying when he shows you who he is believe him but you either accept it, get used to be being disappointed or bin him.

WanderingMilly · 31/05/2020 06:45

If it was anyone else, I would be perfectly happy with the money...might even prefer it so I get the right thing.
Boyfriend? Not so much, If they can't be bothered to get something and wrap it up and make it special for you, they aren't that "into" you. You deserve better. Tell him so and then move on...

NotSorry · 31/05/2020 06:49

@SandyY2K

Then thing is, this is who they are. You can't change him, so if this history of laziness and thoughtlessness is an issue for you, then find a way to tell him and explain your reasoning OR end the relationship....because he won't get better and if you have any plans of a future with him, it's a very important factor.

This is clear not a one off pattern of behaviour.

Agree @SandyY2K

Happy Birthday OP - enjoy your day

BlueJava · 31/05/2020 06:49

I'd be pleased to be sent the money - I'd be getting what I wanted direct to my door. Seems a win/win. I'd also think that if something was wrong and I needed to change it/get it repaired etc that would be easier if I'd ordered it myself.

Instatwat · 31/05/2020 06:53

I’ve not voted because my answer is somewhere between the two. You’re not an ungrateful bitch but equally I don’t think he’s thoughtless either... it would annoy me a bit but maybe he has a reason you/I haven’t thought of. Have you asked why he chose to do it that way?

Geneva12 · 31/05/2020 06:56

I prefer to get money for my birthdays these days so that I can buy something I want. On my last birthday my DP transferred money into my bank account so I could get myself something off of Amazon.

LellyMcKelly · 31/05/2020 06:57

Well, it’s just lazy and thoughtless isn’t it? If he’s nice in every other way I’d be inclined to let it slide, but if it’s a pattern of behaviour I’d probably just bin him. Life is too short.

Instatwat · 31/05/2020 06:57

.... sorry I’ve just seen that you did tell him (I think I skipped to the last page instead of clicking next). What did he say?

LivingThatLockdownLife · 31/05/2020 07:02

YABU to expect anything better from a man who has a history of not bothering with your birthday.

The laziness and procrastination is a separate issue.

Up to you if you continue the relationship or not. You don't need the approval of MN.

BusterGonad · 31/05/2020 07:04

It doesn't really matter that others prefer money, the op send her boyfriend the link to the Lego set, he implied he was getting it, then thoughtlessly sent her the money instead.
I don't know why people should 'put up with' unwanted gift gestures and be grateful. Anyone can stick money in a bank account. I wouldn't expect my partner to do the same. Especially if I sent a link to the actual gift I wanted. You can't really make a mistake with a link. You can't get the wrong colour, size etc as you have a link. It's different if yiu get taken out for the day and get given money etc as there is time and effort in that, and you're enjoying each others company etc.

Whenwillthisbeover · 31/05/2020 07:08

Yanbu, I had a shitty lockdown birthday for exactly that reason. Half my presents were promises to buy when it’s over and the others were go order what you want.

pilates · 31/05/2020 07:09

I would be disappointed if it were my boyfriend.

OliviaBenson · 31/05/2020 07:15

@Redwren that's horrible of your husband and sends a poor message to your children. Have you spoken to him about it?

Redwren · 31/05/2020 07:33

@OliviaBenson I have but he really cant see that hes doing anything wrong, hes never been big on presents or effort, it doesn't usually bother me, like I say I plan a day out usually and he comes (and usually pays in fairness) if he wants to and then my friends and I usually have a lunch or dinner at some point but I'm a bit sad that I cant really do anything this year and it's a birthday with a 0 on the end. I feel for my dd (5) though as she is super thoughtful and has said for ages she wants daddy to help her make a card and he hasnt yet. She'd be heartbroken come the weekend if she hasnt made one. I think I'm going to set up a craft table in the garden and my mum can come and sit with her (across the table) to supervise as dd wants to keep it a surprise.

Eckhart · 31/05/2020 07:44

I have an elderly relative who gave me a sum of money a few years ago. I was really grateful, and then he said, 'I won't have to worry about buying you any more Christmas or birthday presents now.'

And he hasn't. It was nice of him to give me the money, but I feel a little bit sad on Christmas and birthdays because he's saved himself the effort of bothering with me. It sounds like your boyfriend has too. My feelings would also be hurt .

You could ask your boyfriend how come he sent you money. He may have gone to order the specific thing and found a 6 week delivery delay he wasn't expecting, which would explain it. But if he has form for being thoughtless... well, he'll probably feel uncomfortable if you ask him and put him on the spot.

Queenoftheashes · 31/05/2020 07:44

I think this is fine for your great aunt or uncle who are just being dutiful.
Not good from your boyfriend. Mine would get seriously told off for this.

Goatinthegarden · 31/05/2020 07:47

I’ve noticed over the years that how people give gifts, usually (not always) depends on how a person was brought up.

I was incredibly spoiled as a child, with lots of expensive and quite thoughtful surprises all the time. As such, I tend to be a bit of an over gifter. My brother is the same, he puts a lot of effort into big, surprise gifts for his wife. I don’t think he’s all that thoughtful a husband apart from the gifting though.

DH had a lovely, but very frugal childhood with few gifts. He is rubbish at gift giving and finds it stressful. We are fortunate enough to be able to buy most things we’d like and decided early on not to give each other gifts. He is very considerate and thoughtful in other ways. Is gift giving such an important way to show someone they are loved?

I think you should measure a person by how they treat you all of the time. If your Bf is normally thoughtful and considerate in other ways, then surely that is a more important quality than whether he sends you money or a present on your birthday.

Groundhogdayzz · 31/05/2020 07:54

I wouldn’t mind getting money if the other person had no idea what to buy me, but in this scenario I think it’s thoughtless. You won’t be able to go and and see people on your birthday, so having a gift to unwrap and spend the day doing the Lego would make your day a bit special. It’s supposed to be the thought that counts in gift giving, and this shows none.

HugeAckmansWife · 31/05/2020 07:55

But it's not 'a present' that he would have had to choose and maybe get wrong. He was sent an Amazon link. Its would actually probably have been fewer clicks to to get that delivered, with gift wrap options than to do the online transfer. Lots of these replies are about an entirely different scenario as if the op hadnt given him any guidance. From a partner, who can do online banking and is therefore OK with tech, this is shit and lazy. There are circumstances, such as elderly relative, vague ideas about what to get or saving toward an expensive big item that ££ would be fine but not in this instance. Regardless of the current situation, unless the partner is a front line NHS worker or under immense stress / pressure / bereaved, clicking an Amazon link is a pretty minimal effort and he couldn't even do that.

Bluesheep8 · 31/05/2020 07:56

I can't see that it matters tbh. But then I'm really old fashioned and if I'm buying someone a gift then I wrap it and give it to them. Ordering on line is just the same as sending the money imo. Plus you have more choice with the money- you could see something else you'd prefer.

arianwe · 31/05/2020 08:00

I personally wouldn't be bothered, my partner and parents do this often and I'm happy to have the money to order it myself x

BlackberryCane · 31/05/2020 08:03

I wouldn't give the tiniest fuck.

gassylady · 31/05/2020 08:05

It does seem that he has taken the easy way out, it’s nice just to feel that a bit of thought and effort has been expended. A few years ago we were away as a family (UK Easter holiday break) my birthday was when we were away. DH said do you want to open pressies when we are away or when we get back. We all agreed when we are away and he put them in the car. Birthday comes - at 5pm I asked him and the kids if anyone was going to wish me happy birthday 😞 Just felt rotten and unappreciated

SpecialKakapo · 31/05/2020 08:07

My mum does this, it's really annoying.

If be very pissed off if a partner did it.

Rewis · 31/05/2020 08:07

I think the key here is that he made a big deal about asking what op wanted and asked for a link but still decided to give money without an explanation.