To return the money to my husband or not?

[YouCanMakeItIfYouTry]

We've started our divorce proceedings and all is amicable, so far. No lawyers yet involved.

Money has always been a source of contention in our 10-year marriage.

He always earned much more than I did. His money went more onto property, legal, landlording (when we rented out our home and lived overseas), shares, bonds, holidays, car.

I worked throughout (mostly full time but also for myself at times) and I contributed to all daily life, food, school, child care, nannies, household, and holidays (I paid what I could, sometimes in instalments after, because we went on trips beyond my means that he always choose and I didn't really object to).

I had a full-time job I was really proud of until I had my last baby when I had to quit.

For our divorce settlement, he is asking for a 50/50 split on the profits of selling the house - minus the money he put in to buy the property.

The house situation is this:

He bought the home with the money he earned in his 20s, mostly but not all before we met. When he bought the home we were engaged. It was a year before we married. That was 10 years ago. I was in no position to contribute.

I have lived in the home, paid rent, married while in the home, lived overseas together where I contributed (as above) and the home was rented out. We now have three kids. We came back and have all lived in the home again for a while. We don't now.

So, in short, he wants the £150,000 back that he put in to buy the house.

On sale of the property, we'll hopefully get £450,000 profit.

That means, with his offer, I'll hopefully leave with £150,000 cash for a house for a deposit for me and the kids to live in most of the time. He'll get £300,000. He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)

What do you think? What would you do?

I've set up a vote:

YABU - to not take this offer. You think what he is saying is fair. I should split profits on the home plus return the £150,000 cash he bought the house with.

YANBU - to not take this offer. I should not agree to this offer and not return £150,000. If you wouldn't take this offer, what do you think is fair and why?

Thank you.

You should return the money to him if he can return to you

1. Your lost wages for the maternity leaves and the career break you took to suit him
2. Your lost career potential , promotion prospects and earnings for the time you worked around caring for his children
3. Your lost future earnings as you will be doing most childcare
4. Your lost pension for the past and the future, until your retirement age

Because you would have had all that money if you had not spend the last 10 years with him. The same as he would have had his £150k if he has not married you.

Works both ways. I think you will find that your loss is greater than £150k.

Also he’s lying to you about the pension and investments. He’s trying to rush through a divorce before you find out. That’s why he doesn’t want you to get legal and financial advice.

Do not I repeat NOT rely on promises of future child support, he will almost certainly not pay - there are many ways to avoid it.

Please let us know how you get on with instructing a solicitor. They will probably be able to recommend a forensic accountant as well.

@YouCanMakeItIfYouTry my ex husband used his trust fund as a deposit for our house and we divorced 5 years later. (Has been together for 2 years prior). We had 2 children together and I got the whole house, didn’t have to sell and didn’t have to give him anything. I would think this is unusual but I just let my solicitor do the work. I really thought I’d have to sell and it would be a 50/50 split of the equity minus the trust fund. You just never know. Good Luck :)

No wonder he wants to be amicable and not involve legal , he is trying to have you over , please get a solicitor involved you want half and not w penny less , sorrt I'd this sounds horrible but he will make all sorts of promises now but just wait until he meets somebody else , please protect your children and so this legally

@saraclara, tell your DD never to marry!

I had my own house for 16 years before I married my ex. We'd been together for a year, so I had significant equity when we met.

When we divorced, I had to give him 47.5% of the equity (adjusted down from 50% because he had savings and earned a bit more). It was just shy of £100k.

However, I had the last laugh. Because he's a twat, and his solicitor made a bit of a cock-up filing something late that meant I got an adjournment, the house had gone up by £60k-ish between getting the valuations and it all being finalised, so he might have got even more had he kept an eye on prices!

@saraclara

Your situation is not the same morally, as your DD and her partner are not married and he has not taken maternity leave and career breaks to care for her children. Nor is his future earning potential adversely affected by raising her children.

However if you wanted your gift protected you should have taken legal advice at the time. I bought a flat for my DD a few years ago under similar circumstances and all the capital is secured legally. If she married and divorced, her spouse would only be entitled to a share of the capital gain on the property.

OP, why do you believe he will go 'above and beyond' for your dc when he is already showing you that he's willing to leave you in a poorer financial position regarding their home?

Surely if you have young children you can stay in the marital home?

I think I’d get a lawyer rather than ask strangers on the internet about something so important that will have an impact on your children’s’ future.

I agree with PPs about a forensic accountant.

The combination of works in finance + bonds, shares etc + working overseas is sounding a big alarm bell for me. He may well have investments in funds based outside of the UK and all sorts.

His wish to get it over and done with quickly is more like a wish to do you over financially, if you ask me.

He's trying to screw you over.

No more discussion get proper legal advice(and dont tell him first)

Starting point 70:30 to you, negotiate down from there. He isn't being fair to you with his offer, so screw him and go in hard in return.

I voted YANBU as well.

There is absolutely no guarantee he will stick to the 'more maintenance than the minimum' after you've split.

If your earnings and earning potential was diminished due to having children, maternity leave, working reduced hours for childcare, and moving abroad for his career and forfeiting your pension then yoube sacrificed a lot more financially than he has. Also it sounds like your money went on consumables whilst his went on investments?

If the shoe was on the other foot would you be happy to give him half of the 150k you put down from your personal savings before you met?

I don’t think I would be happy. I’d probably want to make sure my ex was comfortable (esp if they were the resident parent) BUT I don’t know that this would extend to 50/50 when my personal asset was such a large chunk.

You do need a lawyer for a divorce involving kids and financial matters - a solicitor wont force you into anything purely for the financial side, they work for you and will advise but ultimately do as you ask. They get paid either way.

Go to a solicitor, and get mediation set up. My husband's ex wife always said to him . "If we ever split up, I'd never take any of your savings, because it was your inheritance from your dad, and you bought me a car and paid off my credit card debt from it already". They went to mediation, and guess what? She got half!

Not enough info to make a call - but this is good advice.

I wouldn't - whatever promises are there now, who knows whether they will continue - I imagine a lot of men promise to take care "above and beyond". Until a new gf or reason to spend comes along

I was a SAHM and was promised I'd not have to work, he would take care of everything. That lasted three months and I had a house with negative equity with no way of meeting mortgage payments, debts, bills and no income other than minimal maintenance for two children under 3. Maintenance was less than childcare costs so I had to find a job - quickly- that covered all of that. Yet, constantly told how lucky I was that I got anything at all....

Lots of gold diggers in here lol

As if he doesn't have a pension!

Stop arsing round with free half hours from solicitors and put some serious research in to engaging a proper solicitor who can help you. One that works with a forensic accountant.

@Pineapple1 I don’t think it’s good digging weather women are married or not lots of women end up staying at home and looking after the kids however this was not the case OP had a job and paid her fair share. Her husband has children too. So why is should she should be left to share the money between her and the kids yet her husband has all his money to himself?? Also his career with remain the same

Gold*

Why are women called 'gold diggers' when they want to protect their children in the event of a divorce, and men aren't called anything for screwing their children over by making them homeless or cheating the CMS.

One of the delights of the self-employed scheme has been watching the whinging of men who've deliberately reduced their incomes by taking dividends or cash in hand self- employment so the CMS can't make them pay towards the children they're 50% responsible for, and they've suddenly found that has bitten them very hard.

If you've got kids and hes the. One leaving and youve had to give up your decent career for that, and he didnt, I would at LEAST go for 50 50, but possibly 60/40.

if you came into the relationship with money while he had none, would you like to give him half of what you worked hard for without him?

That’s what you sign up to when you marry someone.

I'd be tempted to say he can have his initial £150k but he also has to have all three children full time as you have to focus on your future earnings.

It will be interesting to see his response to that.

The divorce settlement is a one time only deal. There is no going back for a second bite of the cherry. You need to envisage a future where he at best pays the CMS minimum and at worst nothing at all. Think about your old age - state pension starts at age 68 and is about £500 a month- could you live on that? What kind of life do you want to provide for your children? Decent clothes, school trips, the odd nice holiday and days out?
Your STBX is, as many have said, not your friend. You need to set aside your female socialisation to be "nice" and "fair". The reason the law states 50/50 is because it IS fair, despite what many tight, sneaky, entitled men would have you believe. Gold diggers indeed .

He should get his initial contribution of £150k back. Everything else that was purchased after marriage should be split fairly depending on your financial situation.

I own my flat, I put down a very large deposit, my boyfriend is well aware that if we get married a deed of trust will be signed to protect my contribution alongside being tenants in common reflecting that he did not contribute to the property before marriage, to protect my sons future. Not to would be bonkers.

That is the reason so many men are dragging their feet when it comes to marriage. I wouldn't want to say goodbye to £150k either.