To return the money to my husband or not?

[YouCanMakeItIfYouTry]

We've started our divorce proceedings and all is amicable, so far. No lawyers yet involved.

Money has always been a source of contention in our 10-year marriage.

He always earned much more than I did. His money went more onto property, legal, landlording (when we rented out our home and lived overseas), shares, bonds, holidays, car.

I worked throughout (mostly full time but also for myself at times) and I contributed to all daily life, food, school, child care, nannies, household, and holidays (I paid what I could, sometimes in instalments after, because we went on trips beyond my means that he always choose and I didn't really object to).

I had a full-time job I was really proud of until I had my last baby when I had to quit.

For our divorce settlement, he is asking for a 50/50 split on the profits of selling the house - minus the money he put in to buy the property.

The house situation is this:

He bought the home with the money he earned in his 20s, mostly but not all before we met. When he bought the home we were engaged. It was a year before we married. That was 10 years ago. I was in no position to contribute.

I have lived in the home, paid rent, married while in the home, lived overseas together where I contributed (as above) and the home was rented out. We now have three kids. We came back and have all lived in the home again for a while. We don't now.

So, in short, he wants the £150,000 back that he put in to buy the house.

On sale of the property, we'll hopefully get £450,000 profit.

That means, with his offer, I'll hopefully leave with £150,000 cash for a house for a deposit for me and the kids to live in most of the time. He'll get £300,000. He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)

What do you think? What would you do?

I've set up a vote:

YABU - to not take this offer. You think what he is saying is fair. I should split profits on the home plus return the £150,000 cash he bought the house with.

YANBU - to not take this offer. I should not agree to this offer and not return £150,000. If you wouldn't take this offer, what do you think is fair and why?

Thank you.

Speak to a lawyer, have him do the same.
Your earning power has been diminished because of having children, you are married, and HOW is there no pension? He would have had to have opted out of having one and turned down free money from his workplace? Did that really happen?
All of it is marital assets, all the bonds shares or whatever. You need to provide a good home for your kids, and an even one - not a poor mummy, rich daddy one where their lifestyles are completely different depending on who they're with at the time.

'He promises to take care of maintenance above and beyond for the kids financially (he'll be working longer hours while I work for myself and build my new business up and do more childcare.)'

And as for that bit above - well, even if his intentions are good now, lots can change and you can't rely on good will. What if he meets someone else? And they have kids? or he becomes a step father? And if you're doing 50/50 why will you be doing more childcare?

You're splitting up - you shouldn't be in a position where you're looking after the kids so that he can earn more - his earnings are no longer your concern.

Take the money that you can have now - 50% of the marital assets - and put yourself in a better financial position now to be a single mother, because you are now a single mother. Don't be worried about p-ing him off with it being 'unfair', his solicitor will explain things to him. He will pay a towards his kids - but YOU need to realise that he has no obligation to you, nor should he have, so you'll be standing on your own two feet.

I'm also stunned that you paid for holidays in installments, my DW earns significantly more than I do and I do more kid stuff, I can't imagine being in that position. Our money is family money and my earning power. pensions etc. have been diminished because I had the kids and went part-time to look after them.
Get a family lawyer, doesn't have to be an expensive one, and as others have said I do think you need a forensic accountant if he's like this.
And make sure you have a different lawyer to your STBEXH - do not take up any offers for him to arrange or pay this,.

My ex and I were having an amicable divorce, having agreed the settlement between us. Then came the part to hand over the cash and suddenly he became very awkward.

I ended up getting a very expensive lawyer but it was worth it as even taking into account how much I paid in fees, (he also had to get a very expensive lawyer), I got far more than originally agreed. So the moral of that story is get a lawyer and don’t put you and your children’s future security at risk.

Do not agree to anything. You need legal advice ASAP.
You are entitled to at least 50%.

He can make all the promises in the world and they can end up meaning nothing when he gets into a new relationship and his priorities change.

I am a family solicitor. Get proper advice, not a MN poll(!)

The starting off point is a 50/50 split. And that's the starting off point. You're playing fast and loose with your future. Many solicitors can do remote appointments.

Yes, you definitely need a lawyer. He works in finance. He knows what he’s doing. He’s totally playing you. Good luck!!

He put in all of the money. All of it.

I got 65% and could of got more.

These are family assets not his -'your family' or marital assets.

What are his savings.
Shares.
If he just paid the mortgage where did his money go.
He save £150k before he married you, so he has a saving habbit, where is the money?
It is family money.

You do need legal advice.

He needs to complete full financial disclosure which includes shares, pension (no doubt has a company one), car, savings, disclose ALL bank accounts etc

Do you have copies of his pay or P60?

@YouCanMakeItIfYouTry
I totally appreciate that you don't want to seem 'grabby' but consider this:
I worked so hard to handle my career and the kids over the last 10 years and I burnt out.

Your husband let you burn out and damage your career prospects but protected his own earning potential through your marriage by not juggling the kids with his work.

He's now suggesting a division of assets that is LESS than you are legally entitled to, and a 'goodwill' maintenance agreement. If he genuinely wanted to support his children into the future he wouldn't do this.

He likely knows legally where he stands but is pressuring you to go with a quick settlement exactly because he is trying to withhold money from you and your children.

You and your kids deserve more than this and are legally entitled to more. Get legal advice and focus on safeguarding yours and your children's future considering your finished earning potential.

You must seek proper legal advice. There is nothing “moral” about his receiving the extra £150k when you have been married and have three young children together. Your own career was damaged by having his children and you have contributed a lot.

The offer sounds fair.

You may also get into a new relationship, everyone here hasn't mentioned that.

I wouldn't believe anything he says. I'd photocopy all paperwork I could put my hands on. Seriously -you think he has no pension? Seriously you paid him rent? (If I've read that right??!) Did he pay for for sex? childcare? and other duties? Do you have a rent agreement and contract? or was your 'rent' 50% of the mortgage. Seriously you paid rent to someone who you were married to whilst .........I'm gobsmacked if that was the case. In the nicest possible way -grow a backbone. Once you have children in my opinion everything is joint.

Don't make this decision based on random strangers on the Internet. Get a really good solicitor.
You should get at least half, maybe even more as you will be primary care giver.

I think he might find a judge might award you the house -3 children etc if you can take over any mortgage on it. You will have the kids going forward -how is that going to impact on your earning potential -3 kids has also caused a massive impact on your career and expenses to date and it will going forward -he's not going meet the cost of them 50/50 and even then what happens if he doesn't agree with x doing y activity -he won't pay it's simple. The CSA will give you 20%.

I am glad you are getting legal advice OP.

I couldn’t vote because I had too many questions about the other factors.

What is happening to the bonds, the other properties and savings he was able to invest in because you were cash flowing all the other family expenses?

I think a recognition of what any one party brought to the relationship when you got together is a reasonable principle, but it is only one factor in the overall context.

Acquaintance divorced. She had cared for the kids while doing low paid work and in her 50s when they divorced wasnt qualified or able to pick up well paid work. He was in a fairly well paid job. He promised all sorts. Spousal maintenance, I'll always look after you, I'd never do anything to cheat you (even tho ironically he had been cheating on her and that was the reason for the divorce). Paid a.few months support and then nothing except a load of excuses about how he couldnt possibly manage to support her. Complete about turn. Paid no more.

See a solicitor and get everything you can up front. This man is no longer your friend.

YANBU. I agree with others seek legal advice ASAP. Don’t you think it’s odd that you paid instalments for things as you didn’t have the money at the time? It’s not right and sounds as if your husband has the potential to be tight. It’s not as though you haven’t worked and looked after the kids.
How old are your children? Can you manage to work full time without him looking after the kids?

Where are you going to live with the children? Will you be able to afford something decent on that?

I would get a solicitor and go for full financial disclosure. He probably has more assets that he doesn’t want to to know about.

@saraclara
You should have loaned the money to your daughter, not given it. Then you would have more control over it

The amicable part so far is because he is trying to trick you out of a fair share of the family money, not just the house, but his savings, pension (hidden?) shares.
I expect it will get less amicable now !

Maybe give him his initial deposit back but after that I would have thought that you would be entitled to more than 50pc of the profits given the impact on your longer term earnings from giving up your job to look after kids etc. Also, I would be very surprised if he does not have money in pensions, ISAs, savings, bonds, shares etc, particularly given he works in Finance (like myself).

It's only amicable while you agree to what he wants. I think you should stand up for yourself and your children.
You are married, you have children and you have significantly lost earning potential while he has been enabled to continue his.
Not to mention twatty financial behaviour during your relationship (paying off holiday in instalments - WTAF?)
Get proper legal advice, take all assets into account and get long term child maintenance all sorted now.

YouCanMakeItIfYouTry
I cannot understand why you are talking of leaving with '£150k ' ... even if you accepted his offer ??

You talk about their being £450k profit from the house. From which you will take this settlement ..

.... then you mention 'properties' and 'investments' also that your stbexh works in finance. You should be entitled to a minimum of 50% of ALL of the assets of the marriage because by raising your joint children - this has given him the time and opportunity to amass these assets.

He couldn't have done it if you had been run over by a bus when the dcs were small .. HIS time would have been taken up with 'fitting work in around the kids' which is what you did - and he didn't.