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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paddling pool etiquette or garden play in general

528 replies

cola2019 · 30/05/2020 17:02

AIBU to ask fellow mumsnetters about paddling pool or garden etiquette in general??

Kids are 12 and 10 and I bought an 8ft pool for them at husbands pure disgust. Bought it on Tuesday and they have been it everyday. They splash and throw each other off a tyre they may shout a bit and perhaps sometimes they do "fight" over it. Usually busy doing other stuff in the mornings and I am struggling to get them out for a walk because of corona so this gets them off their devices. However hubby says the neighbours do not want to hear children shouting and screaming all day. 1. It isn't all day and 2. It is playing - maybe arguing a couple of times like kids do.

When they were little he didn't like them in the garden so i used to spend all sunny afternoons at the park where they could play to their hearts content.

We live in a street with predominantly older neighbours because the twice we lived in a close and a crescent with lots of families we had to move because hubby didn't like children playing in the street. They were literally outside for 1.5 hours!!! I thought it could end like this as he is not working today but thought I would give it a chance. He has chucked the water out and dismantled it now until they learn to play quietly. Both kids are now both back inside on their devices!!!! I tried to get them out I really did.

Do neighbours mind on a sunny day kids playing outside for 2 hours?? Our neighbours are ok a little strait laced and all in the over 50's bracket but we had to choose a house somewhere where my husband would feel comfortable as the 2 other house moves were disastrous due to lots of families living close by!!! I am sure other kids are out in their pools and I seen photos on facebook. Hubby says it is ok if you live on an estate where you have chosen to be surrounded by children but we made the choice to pay more and get ourselves out of the 'kids everywhere' bubble and the neighbours will be so angry that their peace has been shattered. He has told the kids they need to put a sorry letter through the 2 next door neighbours doors - I have stuck up for the kids and said they don't need to and he is fuming that I have undermined him. Please be honest but who is right here. I think I am but the more I think about it now I am thinking maybe it isn't fair on the neighbours and I should have forced them out on their bikes or a day trip to the beach for the day.

OP posts:
matchboxtwentyunwell · 30/05/2020 18:41

Your DH is a fun-sucking dick, determined to ruin his own children's childhood by banning them from enjoying their own garden. Under lockdown to boot!

Why does he get to make all the rules?

howlatthetrees · 30/05/2020 18:41

He’d hate living by me. I have 3 under 5 and they make lots of noise lately. I love hearing them playing. My neighbours have DC who are always making noise too. I don’t understand why he’d move to a quiet area when he has children. Does he expect them to stay inside quietly all day?

scunner · 30/05/2020 18:42

I feel sorry that you and your children having to live like this.
I think you should have picked up worrying signs when the children were little and you HAD to take them to the park to play, rather than in their own garden.

In the long term, sadly I think you have to have a serious think about the well being of you and the children and do you want to stay married to such a person.

In the short term, do not give in about writing letters to the neighbours.
Absolutely unnecessary.

pipnchops · 30/05/2020 18:42

YANBU. We live similar to you in a street surrounded by old people with two young children. I often feel bad about the noise during this time as we're all stuck at home. I try to calm my children down if they get too loud and they play a mix of inside and outside so it's not constant but you can't stop them enjoying their garden. And every time we see a neighbour they tell us how much they like hearing the children play. Your DH needs to let them have fun and stop worrying so much about the neighbours and more about his own family.

Angiemum24 · 30/05/2020 18:43

Your husband is a moron!
Kids need to play for their physical and emotional development. Please do not send sorry notes to the neighbours.
We are on lockdown and it’s technically half term. Does your husband come from Victorian times?

fascinated · 30/05/2020 18:43

You sound lovely, OP. But it might be a good idea to gently explore if you are truly happy with your life....

Lindy2 · 30/05/2020 18:44

Sorry OP but your husband sounds awful.

Your children are just behaving like normal children but he is punishing them for it. How sad.

Choice4567 · 30/05/2020 18:45

@mbosnz

I haven't got pools, but I have got teenagers, and I'm aware that with all of us at home all day every day, we could cause irritation just with normal living. I whacked a bottle of wine on their doorstep, with a note acknowledging this, and asking them to feel free to come and tell us if we are annoying them, and we will attempt to mitigate it to the best of our abilities. I think it bought us an awful lot of good will!
Sorry not to derail but I read that first as you were so cross you smashed a bottle of wine on your doorstep! I was thinking it was such a waste and you could have taken out your frustration a different way!
matchboxtwentyunwell · 30/05/2020 18:47

I have a neighbour like this, btw. He's an absolute prick who is preventing his 2 littles ones from having a proper childhood: they're not allowed to play in their own garden, and they do nothing 'fun'. Never have. They don't even have school now. Before that, they were in childcare for 10 hours a day as far as we could tell. I feel very sorry for them.

Bourbonbiccy · 30/05/2020 18:48

I feel really quite sorry for your children. They sound like they are just being kids.

I think your husband sounds unreasonable and it must be tough for your kids being brought up in that environment. It sounds like he will never change and this is a deep routed issue.

You are right to defend your children on this scenario.

SnugglySnerd · 30/05/2020 18:49

When we moved into our house as newly weds our neighbours' kids seemed very noisy to us and drove us mad at times. Now their kids are teenagers and we have 3 young dcs I am pleased that we never actually complained to them!

PumpkinParent · 30/05/2020 18:49

YANBU
It sounds like your kids were having fun. At a time when there is a lot of stuff going on in the world which isn’t fun for them. Good for you for getting them a pool which they clearly love.
My DH is a bit like yours in that he would like our kids to play more quietly. Or get less dirty, or wet. I don’t know where he gets it from as his lovely Dad was never like it, nor the other members of his family who are sensible about disturbance to neighbours but delight in seeing their kids playing happily. (I never met his Mum as she passed away early.)

BissueTox · 30/05/2020 18:50

I'm so sorry that your husband bullies you all into submission. Children should play outside, in a pool on a sunny day is one of the best things in life. It's natural to laugh and squeal a bit. What isn't natural is you all tiptoeing around to appease the bully.

He sounds like a cantankerous Victorian father as he seems to believe that children should be seen and not heard.

He is killing any affection his children have for him by his bombastic attitude. They'll come to resent him if they don't already! And if you don't stand up to defend your children’s right to a childhood, they'll in time come to resent you too.

Don't let his attitude drive your children away. Let them have fun.

peperethecat · 30/05/2020 18:51

I think what strikes me most about your OP is that your husband made you move house because he didn't want to be near other families with kids who might make kid noise, and now he's saying your kids can't make kid noise because your neighbours have chosen to live somewhere kid free and won't be happy about it.

It sounds like the person who doesn't like kids or be around kids making noise is your husband. So why did he choose to have kids?

mbosnz · 30/05/2020 18:54

Sorry not to derail but I read that first as you were so cross you smashed a bottle of wine on your doorstep! I was thinking it was such a waste and you could have taken out your frustration a different way!

LOL, I'd never do that with a bottle of wine, that would be sacreligious!

chrislilleyswig · 30/05/2020 18:59

Well to be honest we've just had a family moved in next door and the kids are noisy but I feel sorry for them being cooped up inside for weeks

It's their dad that's the dick though.

DIY and lighting fires and using my drive as their personal walkway

I'd rather the kids in their paddling pool and water pistols than dad stinking out my washing

Barton10 · 30/05/2020 19:03

We have children near us and lots of playing noise is fine. I only get annoyed if it goes on past 9 pm or if the kids are arguing and Screaming the parents dont stop them. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere noise and children in paddling pools in hot weather is to be expected and certainly doesn’t warrant an apology to people who haven’t even complained.

honeylulu · 30/05/2020 19:03

I went cold reading this. He sounds just like my dad when I was a child - the epitome of children should be seen and not heard. When he was around we could only play in the garden if barely audible. Even "playing noise" wasn't acceptable. It was miserable. Luckily he worked long hours and was at his sports club wherever he got time off so he wasn't around much. When he came home I used to think "oh no" because things were so much nicer when he wasn't there, telling us off constantly and expecting far too much.

Long after we'd left home a family with three (nice but entirely normally noisy) children moved next door. He moaned constantly in the summer that it ruined his pleasure of sitting in the garden.

If our dogs were in the garden and barked suddenly (didn't happen often) he works open his study window and bellow to my mother "GET THOSE DOGS IN NOW!!!" He was obsessed that any noise was discouteous to the neighbours. He didn't see the irony that they were far more likely to be disturbed/offended by him screaming orders at his poor wife!

On another occasion a spark jumped out of a bonfire and hit my sister in the neck. She was only little and screamed in pain and fright. (She ended up with a small scar from the burn.) He roared at her to stop making a noise and go inside - this was his priority, not attending to her welfare.

Personally (and I thought this even before I had my own children) I love the sound of children playing. Even the odd squeal or bicker is not unreasonable. Constant yelling and fighting not so good, but it doesn't sound as if that's what's going on.

lynsey91 · 30/05/2020 19:03

As long as it is not for hours on end I don't see the problem.

Neighbours both sides have 3 children although one side are slightly older so only really hear the younger one who is 10.

I am in my mid 60's and, to be totally honest, am quite sensitive to sound. I suffer from migraines and really struggle with a lot of noise.

Neighbours have 3 children - 11, 6 and 2 and they spend literally all day in the garden if it is slightly warm. I am talking from 9.30/10am until 8 or even later. The 6 year old screams and screeches all the time.

I accept that they are playing (they also have a largish paddling pool) and that there will be shouting, some screaming etc but it annoys me that it goes on so long. They often also play music. Not that loud but with the screaming it is really annoying.

Quite often on sunny days I just stay inside with the windows closed. I sat out for an hour today but in the end the noise got on my nerves.

I really would not object to a few hours of noise of children playing though so your husband is wrong

wingingit987 · 30/05/2020 19:04

Your husband is a twat.

DrManhattan · 30/05/2020 19:05

He's a crank

andannabegins · 30/05/2020 19:06

My youngest (10) plays in our pool and does squeal a bit but is having fun and is told not to be too loud. Our neighbours kids are beyond irritating, scream and argue and go on and on and have now got a non stop barking dog. I hate them but it's hot and kids are kids. Your husband is a wanker

ThisAintNoPartyThisAintNoDisco · 30/05/2020 19:12

Blimey the op’s husband is a rubbish dad?? 🙄

I think being aware and at least trying to consider others is neighbourly.

I live next to a garden in which the parents would probably term it as a ‘bit of noise’. It’s a pretty much the whole afternoon day after day of screaming as in crying in temper. Always some drama kicking off and arguing over something with minimal attempts to calm it down.

I accept and expect some noise but when it’s a constant racket, it does wear you down.

Bibijayne · 30/05/2020 19:12

What is wrong with your husband? Does he hate children?

EverdeRose · 30/05/2020 19:12

What a miserable old curmudgeon your husband is. Get it back out and filled the kids haven't done anything wrong. I can't believe there's finally a mumsnet parent who would rather have his kids on screens instead of in the garden, playing together enjoying the sunshine.