Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my husband is weird about risk

115 replies

Risk1 · 30/05/2020 13:15

He is 50, v overweight, BAME and smokes 20 a day. His parents passed away years ago, his dad at 46 from heart failure. He has (controlled) hypertension, pre-diabetes which he takes met for in for, and he also buys ventolin on the internet, presumably because he doesn’t want to discuss his respiratory problems with the doctor. He does no exercise. None.

Unbeknownst to me he is in the “shielding” category. He works from home mostly anyway, but he didn’t tell me about the shielding thing. The GP surgery has been chasing him since at least February for bloods which I think relate to high cholesterol and diabetes. He won’t go because he says that the blood clinic will be too much of an infection risk.

And here’s the thing: he goes out each and every day, without fail, usually to the supermarket, or the garage for fags. Today he is going to the tip. He washes his hands when he comes back but doesn’t wear a mask. He won’t let me do the shopping as he is weird about money and control, which is another issue entirely. I, I might add, am healthy and not in a shielding category.

What’s that about?

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 30/05/2020 13:18

Your husband is a controlling idiot who is in denial about his health. He’s not going to change. You need to ask yourself whether that’s acceptable to you. If not you then have to decide whether to plan a life that is acceptable.

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2020 13:22

You're an adult. He doesn't get to 'not let' you do anything.

Even before I got to that part I was wondering what you see in him tbh. Is he a decent husband?

If you have kids, he certainly won't be a decent influence on them.

Original poster
Risk1 · 30/05/2020 13:22

V true. I’ve begged him not to do it but what I say has NO effect.

OP posts:
Popc0rn · 30/05/2020 13:23

Yeah kinda sounds like he's in denial. If he's on metformin then he probably already has type 2 diabetes, rather than being pre diabetic.

Shielding is hard to actually do though, and a very personal decision. If he's not bothered about the risks to his health from smoking and being overweight, he's probably not too bothered about covid?

OtterBe4 · 30/05/2020 13:23

Have you posted previously about your DHs excessive eating?

Original poster
Risk1 · 30/05/2020 13:27

Worral he does, because I don’t have access to family money, just a sort of allowance, so if I did the shopping he would not give me the money, and he would go anyway and buy the usual crap he buys. This is something about sticking up 2 fingers to rules or disease or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Risk1 · 30/05/2020 13:28

OtterBe4 no, he’s not an overeater.

OP posts:
curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 13:29

Why is he in the shielding category?

Doggybiccys · 30/05/2020 13:31

@Risk1

Worral he does, because I don’t have access to family money, just a sort of allowance, so if I did the shopping he would not give me the money, and he would go anyway and buy the usual crap he buys. This is something about sticking up 2 fingers to rules or disease or something.
No it’s not some sort of anti establishment protest. It’s about him being a controlling dick who thinks he knows better than professionals.
Seeingadistance · 30/05/2020 13:31

What are his good points?

Original poster
Risk1 · 30/05/2020 13:33

Seeingatadistance we are going through a rough patch aside from all this. His good points? He adores the kids, and is very good with techy/internet issues. He also puts the bin out reliably.

OP posts:
TerrapinStation · 30/05/2020 13:33

Your problem here is way beyond Covid risk, I hope you recognise that

TerrapinStation · 30/05/2020 13:35

@Risk1

Seeingatadistance we are going through a rough patch aside from all this. His good points? He adores the kids, and is very good with techy/internet issues. He also puts the bin out reliably.
There's no smiley face so I assume you genuinely think those are good points [shocked]
DustyMaiden · 30/05/2020 13:36

I hope he has a large life insurance policy. You will be able to spend the proceeds freely.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 30/05/2020 13:37

Are you worried about him dying of Covid or hoping that he will die of Covid?

Original poster
Risk1 · 30/05/2020 13:38

Terrapin, it was tongue in cheek, but true too. He’s reliable, intelligent, good steady job. I know our marriage is in bits but amongst everything, I find this particular bit, impossible to fathom.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 30/05/2020 13:39

Oh, OP!

This doesn’t sound like a good relationship at all.

Original poster
Risk1 · 30/05/2020 13:40

I’m not a monster and he’s the father or my children so I would rather he (not anyone else) died. He’s v well insured also.

OP posts:
OtterBe4 · 30/05/2020 13:40

He adores the kids, and is very good with techy/internet issues. He also puts the bin out reliably
oh dear your standards are very very low, none of this negates the fact he’s a controlling arse 🙄

Happynow001 · 30/05/2020 13:40

He adores the kids, and is very good with techy/internet issues. He also puts the bin out reliably.
That's great but is that enough for you OP?

I don’t have access to family money, just a sort of allowance, so if I did the shopping he would not give me the money, and he would go anyway and buy the usual crap he buys.
In your situation I'd be really unhappy with this. Are you able to purchase anything healthy you'd like during the shopping session?

What is your own financial position like? You mentioned children - are you able to buy healthy food for them - I'm assuming you get the child benefits (assuming you are UK) paid into your own bank account?

TweeterandtheMonkeyman · 30/05/2020 13:42

As anyone who has lived with an addict knows - you can’t control another adults behaviour. You can’t change his attitude, you need to detach and concentrate on what you need to do for you (and your kids) .

AnnaMagnani · 30/05/2020 13:42

He isn't prediabetic. He has Type 2 diabetes.

If he's told you he has prediabetes he's lying and prob lying to himself- 'mild diabetes', 'pre-diabetes', 'not so bad to need insulin'.

Basically he shields when it suits him and doesn't when it does not eg fag buying.

Does he adore the kids so much that he wants them to have a Dad who lived longer than his? Or by actively parenting them? Or just he just 'adore' them in the same way I adore George Clooney - sitting on my arse and looking at him occasionally in a magazine but couldn't tell you what his favourite colour is?

Original poster
Risk1 · 30/05/2020 13:47

Annamagnani hes v cuddly and stuff with the kids, but works long hours so I do all the heavy lifting.

OP posts:
Elieza · 30/05/2020 13:48

He doesn’t sound like your ideal man or a good role model for dc tbh. I hope to god he smokes outside at the very least as otherwise he is putting you all at risk.

He thinks he can control you and his body by ‘deciding‘ what he says goes. He’s ‘decided‘ that his health isn’t an issue and it will just have to be fine coz he says so.

Total denial.

A lot of people are like this because they are scared of facing the truth as it is too much for them and they know they will have to change and they don’t want to so they don’t face the truth at all. That way they don’t have to change.

Honestly, I think a lot of people in here will suggest you don’t have much of a life and should leave. He is very controlling. Granted taking out the bins is a plus. But one of few.

How are you for money? Do dc get what they need (outwith cv obviously) memberships of drama classes, music lessons, swimming clubs or scouts or whatever hobbies or sports they want to get involved in?
Do you get holidays which they enjoy?

Is his spending on his hobby (fags) meaning you are and dc are going without your hobbies as his takes all the money?

Original poster
Risk1 · 30/05/2020 13:48

He does a lot of gaming stuff with them and encourages computer based stuff. He’s started doing a little bit of work each day with the eldest.

OP posts: