to think my husband is weird about risk

[Risk1]

He is 50, v overweight, BAME and smokes 20 a day. His parents passed away years ago, his dad at 46 from heart failure. He has (controlled) hypertension, pre-diabetes which he takes met for in for, and he also buys ventolin on the internet, presumably because he doesn’t want to discuss his respiratory problems with the doctor. He does no exercise. None.

Unbeknownst to me he is in the “shielding” category. He works from home mostly anyway, but he didn’t tell me about the shielding thing. The GP surgery has been chasing him since at least February for bloods which I think relate to high cholesterol and diabetes. He won’t go because he says that the blood clinic will be too much of an infection risk.

And here’s the thing: he goes out each and every day, without fail, usually to the supermarket, or the garage for fags. Today he is going to the tip. He washes his hands when he comes back but doesn’t wear a mask. He won’t let me do the shopping as he is weird about money and control, which is another issue entirely. I, I might add, am healthy and not in a shielding category.

What’s that about?

@curtainsforme

It wasn't widely publicised because GPs and hospitals would have been inundated with patients asking to go on the lists

Oh right. So a secret shielding list. Ok.

That's not how it reads at all, it makes sense that doctors would be able to add at their discretion patients they think should shield due to a combination of factors where none individually would automatically put them on the list.

But official letter or no the OP's DH is a very ticklist of the risk factors we all know.

Are you in the UK, how old are the children and have you told him you are leaving?

@Risk1

If he decided to leave, how does that make me more vulnerable? I own half the house for a start?

Income mainly although if you don't work you would qualify for benefits but money would be tight. It sounds like you don't have access to a lot of money at the moment anyway though. Child maintenance can sometimes be difficult to get out of men who are financially controlling. Do you have a pension in your own name?

Randomer yes UK. Kids are primary age, and I’ve told him repeatedly that we will be breaking up and he’s in denial about that too. He just switches off and ignores it.

Yes I have my own pension, there’s equity in the house too. I don’t work at the moment.

I’m just crystallising this: he is in denial about-

Diabetes
Heart disease
His health generally - I had to literally hoodwink him to get him to speak to the doctor.
That he’s controlling
That he is financially abusive
That we are splitting up
That smoking is dangerous to him
That smoking is dangerous to us (he smokes in 2 rooms of the house away from the kids)
That he’s taking risks with cv19

I think I’m going a bit mad.

If he decided to leave, how does that make me more vulnerable? I own half the house for a start? Because it's all well and good having equity in the property but that could take ages to sell. If you're unemployed you would need to think about how to feed the children, pay the bills, pay the mortgage etc as he might not pay for anything. There's a long wait for benefits and getting maintenance could be like getting blood from a stone. Could you seek employment?

I see. I think we would be ok, for various reasons, not least of which is that he is a decent father and wouldn’t see them go short, nor would he let the mortgage go into arrears. And I’d be on to his company before he could spit if he started shit like that.

Can seek employment once the kids are back

@curtainsforme

It wasn't widely publicised because GPs and hospitals would have been inundated with patients asking to go on the lists

Oh right. So a secret shielding list. Ok.

Not secret.

'GPs must now sort through a list of their patients identified by a national “clinical algorithm” to find out which are at heightened risk, and amend that designation if necessary. Further, they have been told to flag patients they personally know to be vulnerable; both these tasks must be finished by Tuesday evening.' Independent

'In addition, we will issue GPs with specific guidance around identification of high risk patients with complex / severe multimorbidity and ask the GP to contact these '

'You may know of other patients (Group 4) who you would consider to be at very high risk from infection. The RCGP will shortly publish guidance to support GPs identifying additional high risk patients. The guidance will also support GPs to have shared decision-making conversations with all high risk patients as needed, and help GPs to understand what health needs these groups may have.' advice to GPs in March

Other links are available.

So the man in question would be in either Group 3 or 4 of the shielding list.

Pah. Big lazy man child. Takes effort to give up smoking, lose weight, make better food choices.
Most people get round to it when they find their self respect outweighs their avoidance. Sometimes that’s when they realise they have a partner or children that’s important. Sometimes when the family walk out and are left to fend for themselves.
Do him ( and yourself) a favour. Set him free.Youre enabling him to be this slob. If you go your children might have a father 10 years from now.

‘He smokes in two rooms in the house’.
Presumably two rooms where you are like the living room and kitchen? But the kids go in there too before returning to their bedrooms.

Oh my god. Do not wait. For every few fags he is smoking you lot are really smoking one too. Time to leave. He is making you ill. You just haven’t felt symptoms yet.

Get online and find out what benefits you can get. Go on the women’s aid website. See what info you can find.

Is there any financial info kicking about the house that you can photograph, like bank statements, p60, wage slips etc for him that you can use later to prove income etc?

There will never be a good time to leave him. You just need to get on with it.

He smokes in 2 rooms which he uses exclusively.

He's financially abusing you.

And does he say that he pays for the house, so he can use whichever rooms he likes?

This guy has dug himself in so deep , he can't get out. He needs a good GP and a total health review , including MH issues. His back ground sounds shit.

That is not to say,@Risk1 should put up with it. Does your partner have any kind of social network? Somebody who could get through to him?

" his dad died at 46" is massively significant.

Male, middleaged, overweight, BAME, hypertension, diabetes.

Every risk for dying and pretty much guaranteed a minimum of a stay in ICU.

He sounds like an arse that doesn't really care. Let him act as he wants, he obviously won't listen and probably thinks you're a woman so not worth listening to

Zaphodsotherhead no he doesn’t say that but he does insist on smoking in the 2 rooms. One is his office.

Randomer he is finally under a GP. I had to make an appointment and pretend it was for my son, and then drive us all there and when we pulled up, I told him it was for him, so he didn’t have time to back away. I’d also called the GP in advance.

Since then he’s been on statins and stuff for ED and all the other stuff and seems to have kept in touch with them enough to get his prescriptions repeated.

I would suggest when he has a stroke, or gets covid, don't allow him home from hospital, but that is a flippant response

You say he is in denial about you splitting up.
Are you actually splitting up? Maybe he doesn't believe you because it hasn't happened.

I'm surprised a GP would pleay along with this ruse?

How come the doctor didnt spot trouble breathing and prescribe ventolin?

He isn't a decent father if he's abusing the children's mother.

If you understand nothing else, understand that.