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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my husband is weird about risk

115 replies

Risk1 · 30/05/2020 13:15

He is 50, v overweight, BAME and smokes 20 a day. His parents passed away years ago, his dad at 46 from heart failure. He has (controlled) hypertension, pre-diabetes which he takes met for in for, and he also buys ventolin on the internet, presumably because he doesn’t want to discuss his respiratory problems with the doctor. He does no exercise. None.

Unbeknownst to me he is in the “shielding” category. He works from home mostly anyway, but he didn’t tell me about the shielding thing. The GP surgery has been chasing him since at least February for bloods which I think relate to high cholesterol and diabetes. He won’t go because he says that the blood clinic will be too much of an infection risk.

And here’s the thing: he goes out each and every day, without fail, usually to the supermarket, or the garage for fags. Today he is going to the tip. He washes his hands when he comes back but doesn’t wear a mask. He won’t let me do the shopping as he is weird about money and control, which is another issue entirely. I, I might add, am healthy and not in a shielding category.

What’s that about?

OP posts:
KaleJuicer · 30/05/2020 13:53

In this case I would check that he hasn't voided his life insurance by not declaring the 20 a day smoking habit, diabetes (not pre diabetes if he is on metformin, as others have said) etc etc. Given the early age at which his father passed away and all the other factors his premiums must be massive - unless it is an automatic cover from his work (even then they usually have medicals) or he took it out aged 21!

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 30/05/2020 13:53

Well I'm very glad that he has good life insurance, maybe just wait for nature to take it's course.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/05/2020 13:53

Basically then, him doing all the shopping is him telling you what you are all going to eat? Or does he take the list that you make, and him doing the shopping is purely the physical act of going to the shops?

Because if it's the former - well.

If it's the latter - you can't control his behaviour. He knows the risks, he's just pretending that they don't apply to him. Like he's pretending he doesn't have diabetes. I bet he doesn't worry about his weight either, or his respiratory problems (given that he's still smoking).

Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2020 13:55

I would leave simply because of the money issue - it’s absolutely unacceptable to have no access to family money.

randomer · 30/05/2020 13:56

It's so very easy to jump on the internet because you are bored and fed up and say things like " he's evil, leave immediately"

He sounds unwell, physically and mentally. Maybe the weight thing has crept up so much much that he is now mortified at the thought of contacting a doctor. Silly question but how has he got to this size?

1300cakes · 30/05/2020 13:57

Well as for who should do the shopping, it doesn't really matter virus wise, as if one of you gets it they will infect the other.

But you "aren't allowed" to go shopping? Confused If that's the case, your husbands risk perception is the least of your problems.

tttigress · 30/05/2020 13:57

Don't want to be rude, but if he doesn't make a drastic change to his lifestyle, how long can he have left?

KaleJuicer · 30/05/2020 13:58

@Merryoldgoat agreed. I keep seeing this on Mumsnet (and very occasionally in real life) and cannot get my head around people having their husband or partner having such financial control.

1300cakes · 30/05/2020 13:59

He sounds unwell, physically and mentally.

I'm afraid that can't excuse financial abuse.

randomer · 30/05/2020 13:59

It must be absolute agony for him , becasue as an intelligent person he knows he is unwell. overweight and acting in a nasty manner. I suspect there is absolute terror under the surface and some long standing stuff from childhood.

PuppyMonkey · 30/05/2020 13:59

He doesn’t actually sound very “intelligent“ from what you’ve written. Confused.

I’d say LTB but maybe sit tight and let nature take its course instead?

Apolloanddaphne · 30/05/2020 14:00

He sounds like a controlling arse. How much of an allowance do you get? Does he keep you short of money?

WorraLiberty · 30/05/2020 14:01

@Risk1

Worral he does, because I don’t have access to family money, just a sort of allowance, so if I did the shopping he would not give me the money, and he would go anyway and buy the usual crap he buys. This is something about sticking up 2 fingers to rules or disease or something.
And why do you let him do that?? Not allow you access to family money I mean?
WorraLiberty · 30/05/2020 14:02

@Risk1

Seeingatadistance we are going through a rough patch aside from all this. His good points? He adores the kids, and is very good with techy/internet issues. He also puts the bin out reliably.
He doesn't adore them enough to stop abusing their mother and to set a good example to them though?

I'd be binning him reliably...

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 30/05/2020 14:05

it is not easy to give up smoking.
can you suggest he vapes?
can you get the whole family to do exercise? in a fun way?

CrowdedHouseinQuarantine · 30/05/2020 14:06

going to the shops is ok, as is going to the tip.

do you earn money op?

randomer · 30/05/2020 14:07

I wish people who talk of binning a husband would perhaps enlighten the OP how to do this. Is she financially independent? Does she perhaps care for this man and wish to consider counselling or help?

emmathedilemma · 30/05/2020 14:17

He clearly is an overeater or he wouldn't very overweight with type 2 diabetes! He's clearly in denial about his health but unfortunately the consequences of this long term will affect more than just him. Sounds like a selfish controlling idiot to me. I'd be questioning my marriage if I were you.

MarginalGain · 30/05/2020 14:17

All the non-covid19 risk factors are far more likely to kill him than covid19, all will reliably take many years off his life expectancy. It's really up to him to decide how seriously he takes his health.

Only you can decide if you can tolerate an 'allowance', I'm sure this works well for some couples but is generally considered a retrograde arrangement.

Do you have your own income?

BlueJava · 30/05/2020 14:18

Perhaps he just enjoys his life and isn't worried about the consequences. I am overweight, I am ok with that, yes I know that logically I should eat better and exercise more. But I don't feel motivated to do that. Personally I'd rather read a good book or work than exercise, I'd rather skip a nutriousness dinner, I'm happy with a pot noodle and a bar of chocolate. There is nothing morbid about me, but I accept I may die early because of it, but I'm ok with that.

randomer · 30/05/2020 14:18

" a selfish controling idiot", yes that'll be right

MrsOfBebbanburg · 30/05/2020 14:23

How could you give a shit about someone who happily deprived you of access to your pennies money? Sounds like the more risks he takes with his health the better for you.

MrsOfBebbanburg · 30/05/2020 14:24

Pennies= own!

EatsShootsAndRuns · 30/05/2020 14:26

His good points? He adores the kids, and is very good with techy/internet issues. He also puts the bin out reliably

He is surely a prince among men. Does he have a brother? Hmm

Sparklfairy · 30/05/2020 14:26

no, he’s not an overeater.

Well he didn't get into the state he's in now by undereating!

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