to think my husband is weird about risk

[Risk1]

He is 50, v overweight, BAME and smokes 20 a day. His parents passed away years ago, his dad at 46 from heart failure. He has (controlled) hypertension, pre-diabetes which he takes met for in for, and he also buys ventolin on the internet, presumably because he doesn’t want to discuss his respiratory problems with the doctor. He does no exercise. None.

Unbeknownst to me he is in the “shielding” category. He works from home mostly anyway, but he didn’t tell me about the shielding thing. The GP surgery has been chasing him since at least February for bloods which I think relate to high cholesterol and diabetes. He won’t go because he says that the blood clinic will be too much of an infection risk.

And here’s the thing: he goes out each and every day, without fail, usually to the supermarket, or the garage for fags. Today he is going to the tip. He washes his hands when he comes back but doesn’t wear a mask. He won’t let me do the shopping as he is weird about money and control, which is another issue entirely. I, I might add, am healthy and not in a shielding category.

What’s that about?

He adores the kids

His own kids? He adores them? That’s amazing.

Which of those conditions puts him in the shielding category?

Which of those conditions puts him in the shielding category?

This question has already been ignored.

I can't see why anyone would be with, or stay with, such a person.

He doesn't 'let' you go shopping? You don't have access to 'family money', you get an 'allowance' from him? This is 2020 OP, not 1920!

He won’t let me do the shopping as he is weird about money and control, which is another issue entirely.

There's your problem - right there. That is the major issue and not his lack of care for his own health.
Do you want to be with someone who is controlling you like that?

If he wants to ruin his own health, it's his own decision at the end of the day. There is nothing you can do to change his mind and make him cooperate with his doctors and blood tests. He obviously doesn't "adore" his kids as much as you make out because he is choosing to lead a lifestyle which will ultimately result in him dying years earlier than he should.
Who knows what goes through the minds of people like this but my Dad (who was over 70 when diagnosed with diabetes type 2) was obese and ate what the fuck he liked - before and after the diagnosis. He ended up dying of a massive heart attack in his sleep with no prior warning. I feel like he enjoyed his food and didn't want to give it up and wasn't that bothered about living a long life. There is nothing you can do if someone has made their own decision about how they want to handle their health.

You will not be able to change him. You will not be able to "force" him to give up the fags or to eat healthily.
The only thing you can change is what you do about it. I would not be happy in your position with not being allowed to go shopping. I would want to ensure my diet and the children's diets were healthy so none of you are at risk of similar health problems. If he is controlling in other aspects of life as well I'd be considering leaving him.

@thatsallineed

Which of those conditions puts him in the shielding category?

Male, middleaged, overweight, BAME, hypertension, diabetes.

Metformin is not prescribed to people with pre-diabetes in the UK.

He doesn't adore them enough to stop abusing their mother and to set a good example to them though?

This exactly. The 'good father', 'loves the kids' line is ALWAYS bullshit.
He's a loser, OP, to be blunt. You could do better, either on your own or with a nicer man.

Male, middleaged, overweight, BAME, hypertension, diabetes.

None of those out someone in the shielding category

Have you heard of financial abuse, OP?

@curtainsforme

Male, middleaged, overweight, BAME, hypertension, diabetes.

None of those out someone in the shielding category

I'll tell my best mate that he can ignore the government letters and go shopping, then. Oh, and his government food parcels have been sent by mistake, too.

GPs and hospital departments went through their patient lists to make sure people who should be shielding hadn't been missed off the lists - I got a letter saying exactly that and that I was vulnerable but didn't need to shield. He got the shielding texts/messages straight away and his GP followed up with a letter telling him that he must shield.

I'll tell my best mate that he can ignore the government letters and go shopping, then. Oh, and his government food parcels have been sent by mistake, too.

Don't be an arse. There is no need.

But your list..

Male, middleaged, overweight, BAME, hypertension, diabetes.

Being male? Nope that does not put you in the shielding category. Being middle aged? No again. Being overweight? Still doesn't put you in the shielding category. Neither do hypertension or diabetes.

Now collectively those things make you a higher risk but they do not put you in the shielding category.

"He won’t let me do the shopping as he is weird about money and control, which is another issue entirely."

It is indeed another issue entirely, an altogether more important issue too.

I'd make sure he's declared everything on his life insurance policy and wait. Won't be long now.

Curtainsforme I think it’s the combination of his existing health things plus family history plus BAME.

Insurance? Through his job.
Financial abuse - yes, he is like a study in it. I’m addressing that slowly.
Leave The Bastard? Would love to. At the moment that’s logistically impossible but it’s my longer term plan.

The shielding category includes provision for consultants/GPs to assess their patients for those they feel are extremely clinically vulnerable and add those people onto the shielding list.

It wasn't widely publicised because GPs and hospitals would have been inundated with patients asking to go on the lists - I've just looked at one of my hospital letters (Guys and St Thomas' in my case) and that also said they were going through their lists to see if anybody else needed to be included in the shielding category that didn't exactly match the listed circumstances.

He is shielding. He is getting food parcels. His wife is in accommodation provided by the emergency service she works for so she doesn't put him at greater risk.

And I'm pretty certain that if he had the slightest chance to leave his four walls and get outside, he would have been doing so, but in the absence of a guide dog (he's also registered blind) and the absence of his wife, he's stuck. On the shielding list.

It wasn't widely publicised because GPs and hospitals would have been inundated with patients asking to go on the lists

Oh right. So a secret shielding list. Ok.

The overeating thing is exclusively fried chicken/curry.

So he is not looking after his health and takes stupid risks. I hope he does not get the virus then. Apart from that I would resolve to make some changes in your life. In this day and age getting an allowance from your husband and told whether you can or cant go shopping is inexcusable in this day and age. I suggest you take steps to become more financially independent after this pandemic is over. Do you have children? Regardless of whether or not he is insured you are extremely vulnerable should he decide to leave you.

Do you work? What's your housing situation?

Frankly, covid is the least of his health issues.

If he decided to leave, how does that make me more vulnerable? I own half the house for a start?

Absolutely agree the way he’s going on is unacceptable and I’m making steps to divorce. I’d love him to get his own place nearby and have the kids!

Have the kids 50/50. Not all the time!

Assuming Covid 19 doesn't get him, the kind of health issues he has could mean a gradual, drawn out deterioration..meaning the op would become a carer and be even more tied to this.man. Op are you able to start a plan to leave sooner rather than later? You definitely deserve a better life.

Just seen you said you're making steps to leave. Good luck.

Thankyou. I’m v v sad about it.