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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers - who’s is more important?

452 replies

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:02

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

OP posts:

Yerroblemom1923 · 30/05/2020 15:51

I think the woman's mother and that relationship, if it's good and healthy, trumps the father's mother's right to be there at birth, first visiting, staying with them etc

GrumpyHoonMain · 30/05/2020 15:52

It depends on the circumstances. If the mother is in hospital and the father needs to take the baby home (which can happen) then his mother should be prioritised. Similarly if the father is going to be doing the bulk of the parenting after birth then his mother should be prioritized. It’s not a case of mum’s side wins all the time.

notalwaysalondoner · 30/05/2020 15:56

I thought you we’re talking about mother vs. MIL actually moving in and becoming one household for a month or so after the birth, in which case I would say the woman’s mother should obviously be the priority if that is her choice.

However it sounds like you’re literally talking about refusing to have MIL even visit in a socially distanced way for a whole month, which just seems petty. What is the reason why the parents in law can’t visit just to wave at the new baby and parents from several metres? It seems cruel to say her mum can visit but not his, as if they are genuinely worried about coronavirus then no one should be visiting, and if that isn’t the worry then what’s the issue...?

SarahAndQuack · 30/05/2020 15:57

I think it's a massive fallacy to think that, if you treat both sets of grandparents the same, you'll magically end up with perfect relationships with them, though, @saraclara. Some people just see everything in life as a competition to win. My MIL pushed and pushed at us when DD was tiny - every little thing, she had to do it before my mum, more than my mum, etc. etc. It was very exhausting. If we humoured her with anything, she'd push for the next thing.

saraclara · 30/05/2020 15:59

My happiest memories of DD's first few days are of her grandparents meeting her, they were all so happy. Why does he have to watch his wife and her parents get that happiness, but keep his own family at arms length for a month?

Yes. And the poster who said that the father wanting his parents to meet their grandchild is " just about his ego"...well word fail me.

I'm starting to see where all the posts about uninvolved husbands come from. It seems that there are a number of mumsnetters who only see their husbands as sperm donors in the post partum period. Not loving, excited and proud parents who deserve to share their joy, and actively be involved. And so they set the stage...

notalwaysalondoner · 30/05/2020 16:02

Ah, I see it’s an overnight visit - in that case of course it should wait until that’s actually allowed. Once it is allowed I’d say they should wait at least 1.5-2 weeks to allow the new family to recover and adjust but I’d say that is true for the woman’s mother too unless she prefers otherwise. If they really don’t want to wait that long they should find a B&B or hotel nearby so they can just visit for a few hours (in post Covid situation). I still think flat out banning them from visiting at all for the first month is cruel and petty though although I think it would be fine to say they’d have to stay somewhere else or just do a really long drive both ways in one day. Then it’s their choice how bothered they really are.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 30/05/2020 16:02

Nobody is actually responding to the scenario the thread is about at all any more are they?

notalwaysalondoner you were wrong both times. The MIL wants to/ the father wants his mother to stay overnight, not have a socially distanced garden visit.

SarahAndQuack · 30/05/2020 16:03

That's really nonsense, @saraclara.

Honestly, if your partner has just given birth, you are mostly thinking about them and about your baby.

I cannot imagine a situation where my recently-delivered partner would say to me 'you know, I don't actually feel up to a visit from your mum for a few weeks' and I'd think 'right then, I shall now punish you and our child, which I presumably wanted, by becoming an uninvolved parent'.

You'd have to be a psychopath.

saraclara · 30/05/2020 16:03

@SarahAndQuack there are no guarantees in anything. But surely in any life situation, you start out by making things as fair as you can.

Your situation is not the OP's friends situation anyway. And even in fraught relationships, doing the fair thing is more likely to lead to a better resolution than deliberately setting out to cause upset, as this person seems to be.

saraclara · 30/05/2020 16:06

@SarahAndQuack I didn't say the father would deliberately become uninvolved. But that could be the subconscious result.

When we went to ante natal classes, a big thing was made about fathers being involved in care and being equal parents in as many ways as physically possible. But he's not equal if he can't show his child to his parents. Or if his mother in law takes over from him regarding his wife and child's care

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 30/05/2020 16:06

notalwaysalondoner sorry cross posted - but 1.5 weeks is ridiculously soon after a first birth for a houseguest you don't get on with. Houseguests who make the mother uncomfortable can wait until she is physically recovered from the birth and breastfeeding is managable.

She absolutely should not be forced to choose between hiding away in the bedroom to breastfeed or breastfeeding in front of somebody she has a difficult relationship with at 1.5 weeks (when she's very likely to need to be breastfeeding fairly constantly and not to have got the hang of doing so discretely).

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 16:06

Yes. And the poster who said that the father wanting his parents to meet their grandchild is " just about his ego"...well word fail me.

You took my comment out of context there. It was not about a father wanting his parents to meet their grandchild. It was a response to

But why doesn't he get to show off his new baby?

In the middle of a discussion about why this new mum should not be forced to have gusts over simply for the father to 'show off'

MindyStClaire · 30/05/2020 16:07

Also all these new mums who have to have their mums looking after them, are sidelining their husbands. If mum is doing everything, the pattern is set that the dad doesn't need to help. It's women's work.

OMFG yes. The idea that women need their mothers to come and cook and clean the house is so alien to me. I had an EMCS and was busy establishing BFing, so no I wasn't doing the hoovering or the cooking... DH was. Because it's his house, his dinner, his laundry etc.

My mum came and had tea and biscuits and cuddles with DD, same as my dad and my PIL. They all live a couple of hours away so they stayed in a local hotel and popped in to see DD. It was great.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 16:08

When we went to ante natal classes, a big thing was made about fathers being involved in care and being equal parents in as many ways as physically possible.

He can be involved in everything and still respect his wife's wishes though.

But he's not equal if he can't show his child to his parents. Or if his mother in law takes over from him regarding his wife and child's care

He isn't equal in terms of post birth recovery though. A man never will be

SarahAndQuack · 30/05/2020 16:09

Ah, ok, I read that wrongly then, sorry.

I take your point that all sorts of things feed into people's subconscious. But honestly, this just sounds like an excuse for fathers who can't be arsed.

The father isn't equal in the very early stages, is he? He can't breastfeed. He doesn't need to recover from labour or pregnancy. It's not the same. Pretending it is is just pampering men's egos, I think.

And no, my situation isn't like the one the OP describes - nor is yours - but what's your point? We're all sharing what insights we have, aren't we?

SarahAndQuack · 30/05/2020 16:11

I do agree it's very true that if the grandmother is coming to do everything, that could imply it's 'women's work'. But you have to assume dads are more than rather dim sheep, I think! The people who seem most defensive of dad's rights and needs seem also to accord them the least capacity to think or act for themselves.

saraclara · 30/05/2020 16:11

I don't know why mothers are suddenly so fragile. Neither of my births were easy. But having the grandparents visit to meet their grandchild for an hour or two is hardly traumatic.

My in-laws lived the same distance away from the ones in the OP. They came down, occupied themselves in the local area, and my husband called them when we were ready. So it wasn't like they turned up out of the blue while I was crying, or trying to feed, or trying to pass that first poo. They stayed for maybe an hour or two, then went. That was the arrangement, and it was worth it to see them meet their grandchild.

NumbsMet · 30/05/2020 16:12

@MindyStClaire how's the medium place?

SarahAndQuack · 30/05/2020 16:13

They're not suddenly fragile.

My partner's grandmother lived well into her 90s and only died a couple of years ago; when DD was a baby she told us a lot about her experiences of birth and she had a rotten time and definitely felt fragile.

I do think perhaps one thing that's changed is that there's less stigma about talking about struggles, and less sexism, too, so women aren't so much encouraged to kowtow to the men in their lives.

MintyMabel · 30/05/2020 16:15

"To get the baby into a routine" is a shitty reason to keep inlaws away.

But equally "my mum won't see the baby but your mum will" is childish.

notthemum · 30/05/2020 16:15

Haven't read all the thread (sorry) MIL cannot stay over at the moment. You are allowed to see people outside and in your garden, but they are only allowed in the house to use the toilet. Which has to be thoroughly cleaned after every use. So until things change quite a bit she can't sleep over. As you have said the baby won't be able to be picked up by grandma and I think if she was there staying this would be too much of a temptation. However in normal circumstances depending on family relations I see no reason why the new family cannot have a little time to themselves. If the wife wants someone other than her DH then, I suspect it will be be more likely to be her own mother.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 16:16

I don't know why mothers are suddenly so fragile. Neither of my births were easy. But having the grandparents visit to meet their grandchild for an hour or two is hardly traumatic.

Did you even read the thread

It's not about a visit for an hour or 2. It's about a month long visit that she DOES NOT WANT.

She might not be fragile now but she sure as hell will be if her husband forces that upon her when she has explicitly said she does not want it.

AllIMissNowIsTheSea · 30/05/2020 16:18

saraclara it's not one or two hours, it's an overnight stay. The mother's mother is not going to do everything, she's not even going to hold the baby, she's going to visit in the garden observing social distancing.

Can nobody read any more?

MindyStClaire · 30/05/2020 16:24

NumbsMet So so, so so

(Actually, I'm sitting here working (mostly), while DH and DD play in the sunshine. But I need to get this done and will get the evening off if I succeed. I'm 34 weeks pregnant and healthy, but rather uncomfortable. Medium place seems about right just at this moment in time! Go Cincinatti.)

Pinkblueberry · 30/05/2020 16:25

A month long visit? Are you sure you read the thread yourself @curtainsforme ? I think it said an overnight stay.

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