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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mothers - who’s is more important?

452 replies

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:02

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

OP posts:
Ginkypig · 30/05/2020 16:27

@saraclara

I don't know why mothers are suddenly so fragile. Neither of my births were easy. But having the grandparents visit to meet their grandchild for an hour or two is hardly traumatic.

My in-laws lived the same distance away from the ones in the OP. They came down, occupied themselves in the local area, and my husband called them when we were ready. So it wasn't like they turned up out of the blue while I was crying, or trying to feed, or trying to pass that first poo. They stayed for maybe an hour or two, then went. That was the arrangement, and it was worth it to see them meet their grandchild.

I agree with you. A quickish and respectful visit is a lovely thing to do.

My posts were more about the other side of it when like in this thread the situation is a family member staying over or having long visits. not understanding that you can come round see the new child and parents then after a short but fulfilling visit leave so that the new parents aren't overwhelmed. Seemingly not caring that one of the new parents cant handle more than a quick coffee and hello before getting back to the hard work of establishing a new way of life with a baby.

Also I don't really understand why there needs to be any person mother or not coming to stay when there are two adults in the house to learn together and share out the responsibilities fairly (especially as it's the first establishment of the blueprint of their new normal so really they need to learn it themselves) but then I don't really need to as it's not me who's choosing it.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 16:31

Sorry I misread that Blush

Original poster
MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 16:36

The original plan as far as I am aware was that MIL was going to "provisionally" come up 3/4 weeks after the baby was born and stay in a hotel for the weekend and pop in and out as suited them! I think there was also an agreement that if my friend wasn't doing so well post natally or whatever her husband would put his mother off for a bit!

The COVID situation has just screwed everything up! I think her husband even has to drive down to Birmingham and pick MIL up because public transport etc and she doesn't drive on the motorway!

I'm due around the same time as my friend and I wouldn't be happy with anyone staying in my house 2 weeks post birth - even my own mum

OP posts:
Settlersofcatan · 30/05/2020 16:37

OMFG yes. The idea that women need their mothers to come and cook and clean the house is so alien to me. I had an EMCS and was busy establishing BFing, so no I wasn't doing the hoovering or the cooking... DH was. Because it's his house, his dinner, his laundry etc.

My mum came and had tea and biscuits and cuddles with DD, same as my dad and my PIL. They all live a couple of hours away so they stayed in a local hotel and popped in to see DD. It was great.*

Same here. There are definitely some women who see their mothers as their main support and want their mother to take a stronger parenting role than the father. I guess that's ok if everyone is genuinely happy with it but it's quite alien to me and my DH definitely wanted to be the main person supporting me and the baby.

Pinkblueberry · 30/05/2020 16:37

Easily done @curtainsforme, I’m sure no one would say YABU to a whole month, even if MIL was your best friend Grin

mrsBtheparker · 30/05/2020 16:41

Seriously, I had no outside help. Both sets of parents lived too far away.

Bliss! We were abroad so by the time we brought our first child to the UK, about 6 weeks old, we had settled and no-one's 'advice' was needed or tolerated. My mother was a very generous person, everyone was entitled to her opinion, but she was told that only two opinions mattered.
I know some people have difficult births and need help for that reason but reading comments here it does seem that they milk the situation! My sister-in-law had her parents running themselves ragged after she gave birth.

Freddiefox · 30/05/2020 16:46

@curtainsforme

I don't know why mothers are suddenly so fragile. Neither of my births were easy. But having the grandparents visit to meet their grandchild for an hour or two is hardly traumatic.

Did you even read the thread Hmm

It's not about a visit for an hour or 2. It's about a month long visit that she DOES NOT WANT.

She might not be fragile now but she sure as hell will be if her husband forces that upon her when she has explicitly said she does not want it.

Have you read the read thread. I’ve read ops post twice now and can’t see where it’s says they want to stay for a month.
curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 16:49

Have you read the read thread. I’ve read ops post twice now and can’t see where it’s says they want to stay for a month.

Yes I read it incorrectly.

NumbsMet · 30/05/2020 16:50

@Freddiefox I think it's just a different interpretation of the wording, "my best friend, who is due in 4 weeks, asking her husbands family who live 3 hours away to not visit for about a month until they get a routine settled"

I think OP meant it as 'please don't visit for at least a month' but to be fair I first read that as 'asking them not to visit for a month'.

Freddiefox · 30/05/2020 16:52

@MrsRose2018

The original plan as far as I am aware was that MIL was going to "provisionally" come up 3/4 weeks after the baby was born and stay in a hotel for the weekend and pop in and out as suited them! I think there was also an agreement that if my friend wasn't doing so well post natally or whatever her husband would put his mother off for a bit!

The COVID situation has just screwed everything up! I think her husband even has to drive down to Birmingham and pick MIL up because public transport etc and she doesn't drive on the motorway!

I'm due around the same time as my friend and I wouldn't be happy with anyone staying in my house 2 weeks post birth - even my own mum

And again I've just had the baby and gone through it all and my hormones are whacked out so having MIL there doesn't sound like my idea of fun whereas my mum would be a godsend

Not to pick holes in your posts but I wonder why the discrepancies.

Are you really posting for advice for yourself?

RedFoz · 30/05/2020 16:57

I think in terms of fairness have to say the same to both sets of mums. But I think in a lot of family's one side often wants to be more involved. I think if new mum really needs emotional support from her mum it's understandable. I hope most dads would understand.
In mine my MIL is desperate to see DD but my mum is less bothered. She is however a disappointment in many areas...

Daisy12Maisie · 30/05/2020 17:00

My mum caused absolute chaos at the hospital. Her and my abusive ex husband were both trying to boss me around, both wanted to be in charge and ended up having a bug screaming row then neither of them would speak to me for weeks as they thought I should have taken their side.
I had been in labour 24 hrs then an emergency c section then the hospital "forgot" the blood transfusion I was meant to have and I ended up unconscious.
Neither of them any help at all and a massive hindrance.
I think I would have been better off on my own. Why does it matter about anyones mum? If the person giving birth happens to have an incredibly helpful mum then I can see why she would want her there but if there was any upset/ drama etc then having no one there is always a good option! Its absolutely not a social event to invite people to. The less people the better.

Freddiefox · 30/05/2020 17:00

@curtainsforme

Have you read the read thread. I’ve read ops post twice now and can’t see where it’s says they want to stay for a month.

Yes I read it incorrectly.

Thanks.. I just couldn’t work it out. Personally I don’t think 3 hours drive doesn't absolutely needs an over night stay, and she can come and visit the baby the same way ops mum is and how gone after. However if the mean’s dh doing a 12 hours journey then that’s not ok. Mil could take to the motorway and have a practice now why it’s still quite.

I do wonder where the length of time comes from particular if dh is close to his mum. Why not 6 weeks? A year? It’s feels more about stamping ownership. But I’m very family orientated. The more people that love my dcs the better.

I would feel very upset if I’m was the mil and while that tough, and she needs to just suck it up, and I think it creates an unnecessary drama.

sotiredofthislonelylife · 30/05/2020 17:06

Personally, I had a much better and supportive relationship with my MIL than my DM, but when my babies were born, not even the Dads were allowed to be with you in the hospital.
I would just say, however, that most people will, one day, be an ‘in law’, so don’t be too quick to consign them to the bottom of the list. You certainly won’t like it when that is how you are treated.

Gre8scott · 30/05/2020 17:08

No god my husband and I are her parents
My.mum was a pain in the arse first time granny no thanks

CrystalTipped · 30/05/2020 17:15

As they can't even hold the baby, I don't see a point in them traveling all that way. Facetiming would be much better because they can see the baby close up.

saraclara · 30/05/2020 17:32

@CrystalTipped - My daughter has been sending me videos and we've been video chatting so I could see my baby granddaughter. But nice as it was, actually being able to see her in the flesh from two metres away (me in the front garden, daughter and baby indoors but just the other side of the open window) was SO much better. Seriously.

I know it's hard to imagine being a grandparent. I didn't 'get it' when I was a young mum really. I didn't understand the primal instinct that comes into play when one becomes a grandparent. Fortunately I mostly did the right thing by the grandparents purely by accident.

But believe me, to deny a grandparent that first glimpse of the next generation for a month 'to get the baby into a routine' is just ridiculously cruel and unempathetic. Especially when the other grandparents have almost unlimited access.

AnotherEmma · 30/05/2020 17:33

"I think her husband even has to drive down to Birmingham and pick MIL up because public transport etc and she doesn't drive on the motorway!"

Either she can drive or she can't. Not driving on the motorway is utterly ridiculous. For a nervous new driver or someone who's been traumatised by a road accident, fair enough. But she's probably just being precious.

He doesn't "have to" drive hours there and back to pick her up at all, and he shouldn't be doing it.

She can drive herself or take public transport - keeping her distance and wearing a face mask if that would reassure her.

maryd84 · 30/05/2020 17:34

I think your friend should stick to her guns and not allow the mil to stay over. Your friend will need time to recover from the birth and to get into a routine with the newborn. It will only cause stress having her stay as she does not have a close relationship with the mil. Her husband should understand that and support her.

Also with the covid situation it not a good idea having anyone staying over.

If mil really wants to see the baby the husband can collect her, do a social distancing visit and drive her back home again or she could use public transport.

SarahAndQuack · 30/05/2020 17:36

The thing is, though, that 'primal instinct' is probably what the mum is feeling, too, isn't it?

Mother87 · 30/05/2020 17:39

Mum's mum (and in my case my dad as he was very practical/hands on tbh) took priority with my 3 newborn DC's. Not saying that it's 'right' per se, but it was natural/lived closer and I felt much more comfortable/assured at having their help early on (always!)

AnotherEmma · 30/05/2020 17:40

"the husband can collect her, do a social distancing visit and drive her back home again"

Didn't she say it's a 3 hour drive? So you think the husband should spend a total of 12 hours in the car to facilitate a "social distancing" visit? Meanwhile his wife should look after their newborn solo during that time? And he'll be exhausted after all that driving, so he won't be able to do much when he's back. I expect he'll need a nice uninterrupted night's sleep while his wife does night duty solo after doing daytime duty solo, too.

Honestly, the things people come up with to appease unreasonably demanding family members 🙄

whocanibe2day · 30/05/2020 18:04

You seem to know an awful lot about your 'friend' and her circumstances. Just admit that it's you who doesn't want the MIL there.

yikesanotherbooboo · 30/05/2020 18:04

I think that the father of the baby needs support too. My MIL didn't visit for a few days after our first DC was born and my DH felt very hurt. In these covid times no one should be visiting but if one does I think the other side of the family should also have the opportunity.

Crystal87 · 30/05/2020 18:06

It depends on the relationship the woman has with her mother and mother in law. Most women would probably want their own mother around over their MIL. It should be the decision of the woman who has given birth on who she has in to see her needs are the priority.

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