Mothers - who’s is more important?

[MrsRose2018]

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

The OP already said this is about an overnight visit, @nattyjackie.

Did you not wonder why so many of us were talking about that situation rather than a quick visit?

At 12:09 the OP wrote *Yeh so this was born out of my best friend, who is due in 4 weeks, asking her husbands family who live 3 hours away to not visit for about a month until they get a routine settled with the baby and also see what the COVID situation is.

Her mum however lives 15 mins down the road and will get to meet the baby post birth but still not touching/holding him/socially distancing*

At 12:12 the OP wrote My friend has a....strained relationship with MIL. They don't NOT get on but the MIL is apparently quite difficult and their relationship over the last 6 years hasn't been easy!

and at 12:14

I think she would have to stay for one night as she lives far away but I didn't want to include that

In this case its a moot point: MIL cannot safely visit and stay overnight in their home within the current guidance.

If MIL lived 15 mins down the road and could visit on a social distanced basis then it would be unkind to ask her to wait a month.

I missed the part where the OP said it was an overnight stay. I suppose with COVID this probably won’t be an option, although in 5,6 weeks you never know - my PIL stayed in a BandB when they came to visit to see us after DS was born. It might be an option. But my mum also lives 3 hours away and just visited for the afternoon - I don’t see why the MIL has to stay overnight. If staying over is the issue I would negotiate a day visit or ask her to stay overnight somewhere else.

Yeah, I think if she were 15 minutes away you'd expect the dad would just pop out with the baby to see his mum.

No one is 'more important' but I would expect the father to be as understanding to the first time mother's needs as he would want others to be if he was recovering from a surgery, as to me that's comparable. After giving birth either 'naturally' or via c-section your body is physically recovering, you are flooded with hormones, you need support and the person you want the most should be the person you can have with you. So if she wants her mum that should be the priority. If she feels anxious about having PIL around in the first few weeks for whatever reason, they should be considerate and wait.

I guess I'm a bit more passionate about this though because that is the complete opposite of what my experience was. I had premature twins and DPs extended family descended on us, not just parents but nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters, people came to stay for as long as they wanted (not a big house so had blow up beds in the front room). I was petrified of the babies getting sick, one had been in NICU before we were discharged from hospital. MIL regularly ran in our bedroom if the babies were crying and took them off me to shush them. If I had worries about how people were holding them or how clean a bottle/dummy was, they'd shrug me off and tell me they knew better. I felt incompetent and I desperately wanted my mother near me. DP never told them to back off because he was happy to have them supporting him, telling him he was tired and sending him to sleep. I can't say it caused my PND but it certainly didn't help. The people who stayed and intervened didn't ever do a night shift to let me get some sleep. I still feel anxious thinking about all of this now.

Apologies for rambling. I don't think my needs were more important, but looking back, I needed that extra support and understanding so I could focus my energies on becoming a mother to my babies. Without it, it made the whole process so much harder and it still pains me to think about it now.

icansmellburningleaves you're not though.

My MIL was also more helpful than my own mother.

That's irrelvant here because the woman in the OP doesn't want her difficult MIL to invite herself to stay the night - her own mother will be socially distancing and her MIL will be inviting herself to be an overnight house guest!

The want of the father to have his mother be a houseguest just after his wife gives birth does not override the need of a newly post partum first time mother who has just undergone childbirth (or a statistical 25% chance of a caesarean) not to have a houseguest in the weeks after childbirth, during which she is likely to be in discomfort or pain, establishing breastfeeding, struggling with postpartum body issues, heavy bleeding, struggling to get up and down, possibly needing to feed all evening, experiencing possible problems with breast pain and establishing breastfeeding etc etc etc.

If the MIL just wanted to look at the baby from 2 meters away in the garden and chat to her son for an hour or two and then go home it would be a non issue.

It's an issue because somebody the expectant mother has a strained relationship with is inviting herself to stay overnight during the post partum month.

That's awful @numbsnet. I hope your DP made it up to you later on.

Its pretty straightforward given the current covid situation. No staying over at other peoples homes.

If it wasnt for COVID I think it would be very harsh of your friend not allow her DH mother to see her DS his first child. If your friends finds it difficult her staying over she can ask her to stay at a local B and B. If however her DH expects his mother to stay for weeks when his wife doesnt want her help at the early stages of having a baby he needs to respect his wifes wishes. She will be getting over a birth, may have had a c section, may be emotional and getting used to breast feeding. A visit is very different from staying over. My MIL saw my DD before my mother and stayed for one night when I came home. She had tidied the house and made food, my mother came a week later and didnt do much to help but I felt far more comfortable with my own mum.

Iv only read about half the thread so far but so far my view is that I don't actually think it is about importance really is it it's more about need.

Both parents are as important as each other but the woman normally straight after birth needs are greater because she has had the physical task of delivering the baby and the toll that takes both on the body and the emotional self.

Each parents emotional needs are as important as the other but the woman who gave birth has additional things going on because the process of birth causes hormone changes and other additional changes. the physical process adds lots of extra dimensions which leaves her with less resilience than in normal circumstances.

These things need to be taken in to account in the immediate timeframe after birth because it's not a simple case of she popped out a baby and she's immediately back to normal within a couple of hours!

None of that is to suggest that the fathers needs should be ingnored completely of course as it's a huge life changing event for anyone and his needs are also important I just mean that there are extra dimensions for the person who actually does the giving birth on top.

NumbsMet that sounds horrific, of course it contributed to your PND, how on earth did you forgive your children's father? Were you both very young, that's the only excuse I can think of for him failing to stand up to his family and making everything about him needing to be babied?

What a stupid question.

@NumbsMet
That's awful. Unforgivable actually.

I meant to add that it in my opinion is quite comparable to surgery.

It would never occur to Most people to put the needs of a partner of someone who had had a major surgery above the patient themselves.

You would understand a loved one had needs and try to take care of them but not to the detriment of the actual patient.

@AnotherEmma @SarahAndQuack @AllIMissNowIsTheSea thank you. No we weren't young, this was just under two years ago and I'm 33 now, DP is 38. He has apologised for how he handled things back then so I try not to think about it and just move on. But I definitely have a thicker skin now and I am a total advocate for the right for a FTM to have her needs prioritised. I couldn't imagine anyone's partner being thrilled if he'd just had hip surgery and his wife/girlfriend told him she needed her mum to come and support her through his recovery

Ginkypig yes, can you imagine

"My DH is going to have bowel surgery and will have a temporary colostomy bag and struggle to go to the toilet, plus he will struggle to get up and down for the first few weeks and is likely to take 4-6 weeks to feel normal again. He may need some help washing and need to rest a lot, and would rather not be confined exclusively to bed but have the freedom to move around our house as best he can, wearing whatever is comfortable, during his recouperation.

I want my mum, whom he doesn't get on with, to come and stay in our house soon after he is discharged from hospital because I need her to support me during this time, which is just as difficult for me as my husband. If he doesn't like her hanging out in our living room in the evening because he's in discomfort and he can't present a dignified appearance in front of someone he doesn't really get on with, he can hide in the bedroom while she's here.

AIBU?

Sorry.. a month is a bit excessive

Newborn's mum has just been through an amazing but also sometimes overwhelming experience. She's learning to navigate a whole host of emotions as well as healing from birth.
Who ever she feels comfortable with being part of the team of people that can help her so she can focus on looking after the newborn.
That trumps anything and anyone.

Def the mother. As a new mum you have been through a major physical trauma, sometimes also psychological, depending on tthe nature if the birth. Establishing breastfeeding can be painful, difficult and exhausting. The hormonal rollercoaster that follows birth (ie the baby blues) can be overwhelming and frightening.
I think in this instance women can reasonably ask that their needs be prioritised.

Haven’t RTFT but the mother’s needs are paramount. Physically, emotionally, psychologically, she’s very likely been through the mill for months by that stage, never mind the hard work and potential damage of childbirth. Her needs absolutely come first. Then the child’s. Then the father’s.

I also think this is a practical question. One parent lives 15 minutes away, the other 3 hours away. Even outside Covid times, you would be more likely to see the parent living 15 minutes away sooner and more often, if you get on with them.

In Covid times, well you can't see the ones who are 3 hours away anyway unless you are happy to do a 6 hour round trip in a day.

Neither. They both do my head in.

They’re both as important as each other

I didn't want my mother at the birth as she's prone to stressing. I certainly didn't want my mil there as she hated me. I wanted my husband and my midwife there. I think most women want their mums with them after they've given birth, unless of course there are issues. My mil was practically a stranger to me, didn't like me (I married her favourite son. That was my crime) but she was all over dd. I hope my dd wants to see me during or after she has baby if she wants to have one.

She's a fantastic grandmother to her daughter's kids because she has a relationship with them. If your friend carries on trying to keep her away, she'll find herself on here in a few years complaining about the daughter's children getting preferential treatment.

That. 100%. You can't have it both ways. If new mothers put their MILs second from day 1, then they're setting the scene for the rest of their lives.

Also all these new mums who have to have their mums looking after them, are sidelining their husbands. If mum is doing everything, the pattern is set that the dad doesn't need to help. It's women's work.

Seriously, I had no outside help. Both sets of parents lived too far away. I had a caesarian, my husband got three days paternity leave back then, and I got on with it. As did most of my friends.

None of the stuff in the OP is an excuse to keep MIL at a distance. All things being equal, both sets of grandparents should be treated equally.

Some of the people saying otherwise presumably have sons. Maybe they should think about how they might feel at some time in the future.