Mothers - who’s is more important?

[MrsRose2018]

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the first time fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

of course the MRAs have found the thread.

Childbirth doesn't center the wants of men. How very dare we?

No one is talking about letting the MIL into the delivery room. We're talking a few hours in the garden (because of covid) for the new grandparents to meet the baby.

The absolute vast majority of women are not so fragile after birth that a visit from the in laws will damage their mental or physical health

I'm not suggesting they are. A forced and unwanted visit because your husband doesn't respect your wishes runs a bit deeper though.

So your friend really thinks she can reasonably ban her mil (to whom her dh is very close to) from seeing the baby for a whole month because ‘she’ll still be getting in a routine’. Really?
I totally understand her husband being upset about that. That does sound very unfriendly. I can imagine mil being very disappointed about that. And dh and mil are apparently very close so he would probably really like to show his child to his own mother (of course from a distance due to corona). Your friend doesn’t sound like a very kind person tbh.

And she will have to suffer the consequences if her insistance on keeping the in laws away for a month (!) while her own mother visits regularly impacts on her marriage and her relationship with her in laws.

Only if her husband is a complete dick, though.

The husband could smooth things over with his family.

And she will have to suffer the consequences if her insistance on keeping the in laws away for a month (!) while her own mother visits regularly impacts on her marriage and her relationship with her in laws.

Oh yes of course. The woman will 'suffer the consequences' for daring to want a bit of time.

Jesus Christ

I don't have a mum (anymore) and quite like my MIL but she works with covid patients so bad idea to have her around. Haven't told her yet though...

I think it really depends on the relationship and state of the mother. If the mother needs to be cared for she might feel more comfortable with her own mum. Regarding the baby it really depends on who is the most respectful (of boundaries) person.

The absolute vast majority of women are not so fragile after birth that a visit from the in laws will damage their mental or physical health.

You say that, but reading MN does show how vulnerable a lot of women feel after birth. Even things that might seem trivial can have a big effect. It does really depend what that relationship is like.

She doesn't want to stop the MIL visiting, she would never ever do that! She just a) doesn't know how she will feel at the time and b) is and has been heavily reliant on her mum since she was born

My SIL (DH’s brothers wife) is very like that. She is very much a mummy’s girl and has always been very distant and tense towards MIL. I don’t have such a dependent relationship with my mum and get on really well with MIL. I do sometimes wonder if there’s a link there - she seems to take an active dislike to her simply because she’s nothing like her own mum.
I think OP’s friend is being a little unfair and causing tension and upset where it’s not necessary. Yes post-birth isn’t the easiest of times but I think this idea that of course you couldn’t possibly have someone visit that isn’t as special to you as your mummy, that you couldn’t possibly see someone who gets on your nerves a little from time to time because it would affect your oh so delicate post birth constitution, as some have implied, is just a bit OTT. If she says she doesn’t know how she’ll feel at the time then why not decide later? She might be more up to seeing visitors than she thinks and she might quickly realise that this routine she’s envisioning by week 4 was a bit of a pipe dream.

MindyStClaire no we're not, have you actually read the thread?

"We" are talking about the situation in the openning post, which the thread is about.

The father to be's mother intends on being a house guest - staying overnight in the immediate post partum period. She is described as a difficult person who lives 3 hours drive away and is unwilling to do the amount of driving a visit for a few hours would require.

"The absolute vast majority of women are not so fragile after birth that a visit from the in laws will damage their mental or physical health."

It depends what the in laws are like, not what the woman is like.

The majority of in-laws are not toxic and will not damage the mother's mental (or physical) health.

Unfortunately there are some toxic in-laws, and even if the mother has a straightforward birth and is generally a very resilient person, those in-laws could still damage her well-being. Especially if her partner prioritises the wants of his parents over the needs of the mother of his child.

What about the baby? The baby has no idea. I think you mean what about the MIL. Honestly. This isn't about the mother or the mother in law it is about the new mother and she can see or not see whoever the fuck she chooses. Nobody has any 'rights'

Yes she can, but she should be willing to let the mother of the baby's father meet their child even if she doesn't want to see her. Or does she fully own the baby too? I agree for the actual birth and a reasonable amount of time after, but the arbitrary timeline of at least a month just because is unfair.

PS i referred to the partner as "he" but could also be "she" sorry

If she says she doesn’t know how she’ll feel at the time then why not decide later?

Better to be prepared, surely? If the MIL goes through the whole pregnancy cheerfully assuming she'll pop down the day they get out of hospital and stay for three months, she's going to feel awful (and, quite possibly, be awful) when she discovers she's not.

I remember when we broke it to my MIL that she wasn't going to be at the birth, and I am so glad we had that conversation six months before DP went into labour, because it took about five of those months to get her to accept it!

Mothers wishes trumps the fathers wishes for at least the first month I think. The mother has just given birth and is going through all sorts physically, emotionally etc etc. Inviting in-laws around to gawp and pass the baby around isn’t essential, so if the mum doesn’t want it well so be it.

I always felt that my family cared about me and wanted me to be ok as much as they were concerned about their new grandchild. My in-laws were very “is the baby ok” I was just a vessel that delivered the baby who they didn’t seem that bothered about.

This just reminded me actually, my mil would never want to talk to me so when she wanted to ask about our children like what had they been up, had to eat etc she’d ask the baby, even as a newborn. So I would then reply “I fed all night” etc. It was utterly bizarre and I’ve no idea why I didn’t just say “he/she can’t talk yet you aren’t going to get a reply anytime soon”. Now both our children can talk she thankfully doesn’t need to say anything to me or through me 🤣.

SarahAndQuack
I think a loss is a loss and if either parent wants the support of their family then it's reasonable to share (unless there's a massive backstory). Obviously each family situation is different but I do struggle with the idea that on all things baby it's the woman's family that automatically gets priority.

I wonder how many of the mums here would be equally happy being told they can't meet their grandchild for at least a month for no other reason than their son's partner only wants to see her family.
Add into it how many threads there are where people are disappointed that they're having a boy because they want the special mum/daughter relationships and it becomes apparent that some people seem bizarrely accepting of the view that sons are only yours until they meet a woman and then you'll inevitably be cast to one side in favour of her and her family (probably judging their son's future spouse by their own standards of prioritising their family over DH's). The whole thing seems to show there's some unhealthy attitudes to families in my opinion.

It's said when a child is born so is a new mother. It would seem a new future MIL is borne too

I also think it makes a difference that this is a first baby. When it's your first both parents are navigating a totally different relationship with each other and a new identity - because like it or not, when you have a newborn, your world does shrink into 'mummy' (or daddy, I assume).

There are things DP and I did that seemed very small at the time but had a huge effect on our relationship, and I know that's true of other couples as well.

Well mum doesn't like me and offered no assistance whatsoever even though she lives 5 mins away.

Refused to mind the baby for 20 mins at her house when I was there and desperate for sleep. Asked if I could please nap on the sofa for a bit. Answer was no.

All families are different.

@LolaSmiles - but it's not just a loss, it's also something that happens to one person, physically, and not to the other.

When my DP was pregnant I would have been beyond devastated if she had miscarried, but ultimately, it would not have been me experiencing that event. It is different.

my mum trumped my MIL. Although MIL is okay, she wasn''t my mum and I wasn't relaxed around her feeling vulnerable, tired etc.

LolaSmiles you seem to be projecting a lot of issues about your son belonging to you, or something.

This is about a house guest in the immediate post partum period, not about cutting the grandchild in half so that both sides of the family get a fair chunk, or asserting maternal ownership of your grown up offspring or prioritising the maternal relationship with an adult over and above their relationship with their spouse :(

My MIL is wonderful and I was very happy to see her a couple of hours after the birth of my first child. But in relationships characterised by tension obviously people aren’t going to feel the same way.

Childbirth doesn’t always go smoothly and I think it’s better not to make any firm plans about who will visit afterwards. I also think that the mother’s needs and preferences should be prioritised and the father’s desire for his own mother’s presence is irrelevant.

And yes, I have a son and if he ever fathers a child I will respect his partner’s wishes about visiting post-birth. Really, what sort of person wouldn’t?

A month is such a long and unnecessary amount of time to not meet your grandchild. You ‘friend’ is really making a statement. I also think she’s making a statement about who the baby belongs too.
I wonder if I’m a few years time your friend will be on her bemoaning the lack of interest shown by her mil and dh.

I understand the after birth and assuming the birth goes ok you want your own mum, but a month is a very long time.

SarahAndQuack with all due respect none of that should prevent a grandparent meeting their child's baby. Sorry but whatever you are navigating can be put aside for an hour or two for a visit. Its a quick social gathering not an audit of your ability to parent. And maybe it's possible that they may have some experience to share.

If they are asking to stay then that is a different issue but a visit is not something that should be withheld. If the new mum is feeling fragile then stay in bed and let dad introduce his child to his parents. It's not rocket science.

@bee222 me too. Mine was absolutely wonderful. She died about fifteen years ago and I still miss her. She was worth ten of my own mother. I think we’re in a minority though.