AIBU to think is incredibly rude to ask women when they are going have a baby?

[FucksBizz]

DH and I can’t have children. We have had multiple painful losses over the last three years and medical science doesn’t seem to quite stretch to solving the problem. We cannot face the trauma any more and have decided that we will never have children. I don’t think this is anyone’s business but ours, but still, I am asked this awful question with tedious regularity. I have started responding with a blunt ‘we can’t, but thanks for asking!’ but I guess this is something that I will asked again and again throughout my life.

AIBU to think that you should NEVER ask a woman when she’s going to have children?

I think it's an inappropriate question to ask anybody, regardless of sex. I'm sure there are lots of men out there who would love to have a child but can't for whatever reason. But no, YANBU.

I kept being asked when we were going to give ds a sibling by a shop assistant in our village. I was polite for years until I snapped and told her not to ask such hurtful questions and if she really wanted to know my son has 2 younger sibling they just died in early pregnancy. The look on her face was priceless but I was so angry. She knows having my son nearly killed us both. Also one of my miscarriages lead to hemorrhaging. It is not for anyone to ask these questions to anyone else

One response I gave when asked repeatedly by a very nosey acquaintance (who was not taking on board my subtle hints I didn't want to talk about it) was 'well, since my last miscarriage, I've been terrified of getting pregnant again in case the same thing happens but also not getting pregnant again. I mean, it was terrifying when xyz happened. So I'm not sure.' She looked horrified and I said 'and what did we learn about asking probing and personal questions'

I am so sorry for your heartache and losses OP. I agree with you that it is really rude to ask personal questions in this way and would not think to do it myself as I was brought up not to pry and feel very frosty when other people do. Wishing you well.

I find a slightly gaspy “sorry, are you asking me about my sex life??” does wonders.

I have been happily married for 14 years, we are child free, and I love children. I have a gang of little friends and nephews I adore and make a big effort with. I work in a skool, so am very popular in the holidays because I love to babysit.

I have never wanted children, am very happy with my choice and actually, am very happy to talk about it because I think it's still unusual in society for a happily married couple to decide from the start they don't want kids. Especially girls at skool - it's almost as though they have never considered they could choose not to have children.

I am 45. I have had over 20 years of being grilled about my family choices and STILL get people saying to me 'it's not too late. Plenty of people get pregnant in their 40s.....' I reply I don't want to be one of those people!!!

I do think it is just something people say to make conversation. The thought that it might be painful or upsetting may never cross their mind when they are just trying to pass the time....

YANBU.
People are rude in general.
Some people have fertility issues.
Some have deeply personal issues that mean they made the difficult choice NOT to have children
Some just don't want them
In any case it is not anybody else business.

Well it damn well ought to cross their mind!

Sorry that was in response to @rabbitwoman.

If it was a good friend I think phrasing it as “so do you think you want children?” is a reasonable question, as frankly this is a huge decision and has a big impact on your life plans, so I think it’s reasonable to want to know that about your friend in the same way you’d want to know if they are planning a career change or a gap year. But I hate it when people phrase it as “so when are you going to have children?”

Luckily I haven’t been asked it often as our friends only started having kids this year and neither my parents nor PIL are that keen on us having kids quickly. But I just had a miscarriage so can imagine how upsetting that question will now be whereas before I didn’t mind it too much and just thought it was nosy.

I reckon telling the truth is probably the only way to get people to realise this isn’t an acceptable question - “As soon as possible, we’ve just had a miscarriage at 10 weeks and were trying for 7 months before that, is there anything else personal you’d like to know?” And that way at least they’re very unlikely to ask anyone else that question again.

I think that if you were making small talk with a very overweight person and you started quizzing them about whether they were planning to lose weight and had they tried this or that diet, anyone with a brain would expect that to be painful and upsetting.

So why does it not cross people's minds that it might be painful or upsetting to talk about someone's lack of children?

I had a terrible pregnancy, emergency CS and awful recovery. Not a couple of weeks after the birth, my SiL was asking about a second. I told her to piss off .

Last year one of my husband's friends was visiting from the US and we'd been married for about 8 months. He literally pointed at my body and said something like, "What's all this then?" and I asked him what he meant and he said, "Come on, why aren't you pregnant yet?"

We'd only just started trying and I'd had one miscarriage and one unsuccessful cycle.

So at first I fobbed him off politely, saying that we had plenty of other stuff to think about, like our home renovations.

Later I took him and my brother and sister in law (who have never asked us about our plans for children) to see the new flat and when I was explaining what we were planning to do with it I said we were going to turn a bedroom into a dining space and he said, "Oh no no no, I don't like that idea at all! You need to keep the maximum number of bedrooms for all the children you're going to have!"

So at that point I told him to knock it off, and said it was really rude and inappropriate to say things like that, and he laughed and said, yeah I know it's really annoying, my mother is always asking me when I'm going to have children and it's just the way isn't it, she asks me, I ask you, everyone does it!

So then I said no, everyone doesn't do it, and it's really not the same for you since you're a man and you're single and you live in the states and your mother lives in Abidjan, and even if it were the same thing, if you find it annoying that's all the more reason not to do it to anyone else!

Anyway, I told my husband to have a word with him, and later that evening he came up and apologised, by which point I was a bit drunk and I just said, look, you don't know what is going on in people's lives when you ask that question, they might have been trying for ages, they might have been told they're infertile, they might have just had a miscarriage, they might not be ready, they might never want kids and basically it's none of anyone else's business and if and when we have something to tell you, we will.

I hope to God he got the message because I've now had three more miscarriages since then and if he brings up the subject next time I see him I will go fucking batshit.

Yes OP it pisses me off so much. I can't comprehend how people can be so insensitive. It's actually disgusting.

Anyone with half a brain knows;

1. Not everyone wants children so why assume?
2. Having children is down to science we cannot have any control over it

So why do people ask? People are asking me and I've had a miscarriage and I want to tell them to do one every time.

It's rude beyond belief. Seriously, anyone reading this that ever asks that question - don't, just stop it. Now.

It’s NEVER acceptable. People are so fucking rude.

I’m so sorry for your losses

To my shame, I have been guilty of asking this question.
In my younger, more stupid days. I know better now.
Chatting to fellow parents at my daughters' school, one of them said to me "You clearly don't use contraception do you?" (I have 4 DC)
I'm sure it was karma.
Never again have I been so thoughtless.
I'm sorry for everyone here who is grieving a loss or what might have been.

No one with two functioning brain cells should be labouring under the delusion that this is ever an acceptable question. If you are desperate for a topic of conversation, that’s what the weather/your haemorrhoids/your latest 10000-piece jigsaw/your period working in a sex dungeon are for.

Funny you should say that, @Homescar. If I am talking about doing a massive jigsaw, chances are I'm doing it to distract myself after a miscarriage.

Don’t think people are being incredibly rude asking...just curious, probably a bit thoughtless and just trying to get to know more about you on a personal level. Having kids is a massive life event so it’s naturally something people will be curious about.

I have dealt with trauma around this and used to get annoyed and upset when people asked me. I realised that not wanting them to ask was like wrapping myself in cotton wool...it was hard to talk about so how dare they ask...well they asked because they didn’t know. Thoughtless but no Ill intent...and sometimes talking about it with someone else can be therapeutic.

As time has passed it’s easier for me to talk about but if I don’t want to talk about it, I just say so.

i think people should learn that it is not acceptable.
maybe a response something like, that's a very personal question. and leave it at that.
i think there is a lack of respect generally. too informal. presuming upon a friendship that does not exist. and never will. at least it gives a clue to avoid such people, not waste time with those who do not share fundamental values of what is/ not proper behaviour.

@Samster45
I have one and I am always asked about when I am going to have another. The comments range from that she must be lonely without siblings, or she will be spoilt when she’s older to she’ll be by herself looking after her parents in old age which is cruel for her.

Yesss exactly this! Whereas I can understand people asking about children as a mindless attempt to make small talk, there's absolutely no excuse to start insulting the character of the parent. It's like saying "Oh you only work as a (insert job title)? That's terribly selfish of you not to earn more money to give your children a better life."

I'm in a similar boat as I have an underlying health problem which means every baby I carry has a high risk of being born with a serious heart defect (either fatal or will require a lifelong pacemaker). This was only discovered during my first pregnancy, and I was mentally distraught after the ordeal of going to scans every week for over 10 weeks not knowing if the baby was still alive. I don't think I'm traumatised from it, but it was simply an incredibly unpleasant experience that I have no desire to repeat.

Thankfully DD was born healthy and the most perfect daughter I could ask for. For me it's actually offensive that people assume she's not "enough" and that we need a sibling to make things complete. I'm an only child myself and I also feel it's a veiled insult to my own family. I LOVED my childhood and never begrudged my parents in the slightest. I didn't even realise being an only carries a stigma until well into my adult life.

I never felt like I had to compete for my parents attention and was never bored because I loved reading, writing, art, games etc. Those are the same skills that enabled to find a degree and job I love. I find it easy to defend my decision of one and done because I know that deep happiness has nothing to do with siblings. However the question still annoys me on a superficial level because I can't believe how some people find that type of rudeness acceptable.

I'm looking forward to being over 37 because I think after that the questions will stop coming even from the most cheeky fuckers...

I don't know why people ask this question. My assumption when a couple don't have kids, is that they don't want them or can't have them. Neither of which are my business.

It’s not appropriate small talk. We have weather for that.

YANBU and I’m very sorry for you losses. I once read somewhere a quote about this issue along these lines. Feel free to use x

“There is literally no good reason to enquire about someone’s reproductive abilities or intentions. And around a million good reasons not to. Shall we leave it there?”

It’s completely unacceptable to ask anyone (men included since they can long for a child just as much as women). I didn’t have it too often through our infertility journey but when I did it was just so hurtful. I tried to avoid all conversations about family and babies to the point I think most people assumed I didn’t want one.

We were so lucky to conceive after IVF. When the midwife called to ‘discharge’ me she said ‘We’ll see you for your next baby’. I couldn’t believe it. If she had bothered to open the first page of the notes she would know just how unlikely it is she will ever see me again - and that’s fine, we know how lucky we are to have one - but still, a bloody midwife.