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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think is incredibly rude to ask women when they are going have a baby?

115 replies

FucksBizz · 27/05/2020 19:15

DH and I can’t have children. We have had multiple painful losses over the last three years and medical science doesn’t seem to quite stretch to solving the problem. We cannot face the trauma any more and have decided that we will never have children. I don’t think this is anyone’s business but ours, but still, I am asked this awful question with tedious regularity. I have started responding with a blunt ‘we can’t, but thanks for asking!’ but I guess this is something that I will asked again and again throughout my life.

AIBU to think that you should NEVER ask a woman when she’s going to have children?

OP posts:
2007Millie · 27/05/2020 19:42

@FucksBizz

I never said we were responsible, but you asked if you were being unreasonable and for opinions.

Don't be so offended when someone doesn't think the same way as you.

seven201 · 27/05/2020 19:43

I think it's rude and ignorant. I get pissed off enough when asked when I'm having another dc. I normally reply and tell them we've been doing ivf and that usually shuts them up.

Another think that pisses me off is the pregnancy announcements to my face or now on zoom group chats. Please just send a message so I don't have to pretend to be 'fine'!

Original poster
FucksBizz · 27/05/2020 19:44

I think my intention was misread there. I’m not offended that you think differently to me. I’m glad that the question doesn’t upset you.

OP posts:
HazelBite · 27/05/2020 19:46

I have 4 sons, all adults, two are married a third with a long term partner.
I get asked all the time about how many grandchildren I have.
My usual response is "I'm far too young to be a Grandma" I have no wish to inform anyone about one DIL's health problems, the loss of two grandsons, and my other son seeing the heartbreak not wanting to "go there"
They are all very thoughtless comments, people just never think before opening their mouths.

EL8888 · 27/05/2020 19:46

YANBU. Sorry for you losses. We have fertility issues, exactly what medical science can’t unfortunately work out at this time

It’s crap and l don’t want to talk about it. Or be offered the crap platitudes e.g. you can have one of mine, you need to be patient or why don’t you adopt etc etc

It was my fiancé’s birthday recently and we had a catch up on zoom with friends. Friend 1 goes on at length about “how hard it is having 2 children” (the extended version). Friends 2 and 3 then ask when we are having children. Not very helpful when we are trying to enjoy his birthday and lm feeling ill from the last cycle of using a fertility drug which didn’t even work

NameChange84 · 27/05/2020 19:46

This has happened to me on several occasions and nearly sent me over the edge. I was suicidal after I turned 35 and was the only childless single friend remaining.

I’m now on antidepressants and having counselling. Anyone who noses into why I’m childless from now on will not receive the politeness they used to get from me. It’s NEVER ok and it’s NEVER anyone’s business.

Original poster
FucksBizz · 27/05/2020 19:47

So sorry to everyone that has also experienced infertility, losses and insensitivity Flowers

Thank you all for your thoughts.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 27/05/2020 19:47

I learned the hard way when I asked a teaching assistant whether they had good news, as they’d been rubbing their belly and back and holding protective hand over their ‘bump’. They weren’t pregnant and I’ve never asked anyone anything related to babies unless absolutely certain since.

ConkerGame · 27/05/2020 19:49

It’s horrible OP and I’m sorry you have to put up with this nonsense. Definitely get a couple of stock phrases to respond with and make them rethink their rudeness. How about “not sure, when are you guys thinking of changing contraception? What type do you use now?” When they look shocked at how intrusive you are being you can act all faux surprised and say “oh sorry, you wanted to discuss my sex life so I assumed you wanted me to ask about yours too”. Hmm

I used to get asked similar when I was single and it drove me mad - “when are you going to meet someone and settle down?” I don’t know do I, I don’t have a bloody crystal ball! Oh and thanks for bringing up a topic that’s really upsetting for me right now! Angry

MagentaRocks · 27/05/2020 19:50

I am glad I am a bit older now so don’t get asked as much. We can’t have kids, we would have loved to but it is something we have to live with. It was never fun when people asked, especially when I would try and brush it off but they persisted.

lojoko · 27/05/2020 19:50

YANBU

I find it absolutely torturous. It's like a physical blow.

borntohula · 27/05/2020 19:51

YANBU. It's the sort of question I would have thought nothing of when I was a lot younger but now, I would never ever ask it. As well as having the potential to upset someone, it's ridiculous to assume that the person you're asking even wants children.

FairyDogMother11 · 27/05/2020 19:51

@Aquamarine1029 I had very similar, still in hospital, barely out of HDU, after an extremely traumatic delivery where I nearly died and have PTSD from...yet people still felt the need to bring up the "oh one day when DD has a sibling" thing, firstly I nearly ended up with a hysterectomy (which in itself would have been hard enough) and secondly I was (and still am) far too traumatised to even consider ever having another. One of my best friends can't have children and people tell her all the time "it's about time you had a baby!". Absolutely awful.
OP I'm sorry for your losses and the insensitive people around you. Flowers

EL8888 · 27/05/2020 19:53

@seven201 last person who asked me if l was pregnant, got told l was fat after a failed round of IVF Confused

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2020 19:53

You’re so right. And no one should ask anyone. A male colleague was very upset when some twat asked him if he had kids then followed up with “don’t leave it too long” as his wife had just had a miscarriage.

I had 5 mcs before DD over several years and perfected my “ooh we’re very busy with my step kids so not sure” response which either led to “of course, what a handful” or “but they’re not your own, don’t you want your own”. Which I’ll be honest, I already fucking knew thanks very much...

DSIS is going through fertility issues at the moment and has several nosey parker colleagues who’ve been hassling her since she got married. I told her to reply that it’s a personal question but she said she didn’t want to appear rude so she has a variety of stock responses. Some people suck.

claret3189 · 27/05/2020 19:54

I am in the same boat and have done the ivf route. It didnt even end after that naive people saying we should go through it again like the heartbreak was a walk in the park.

In this day and age i think people should think more before they ask like they do with other sensitive topics x

Aquamarine1029 · 27/05/2020 19:57

My husband's 2 best friends, been best friends since young childhood, are a man and woman who got married in their early 20s. They don't have children, and even though we have known them forever, we have NEVER asked them about their plans or no plans to have children. It is absolutely none of our business. They have never brought it up which means we never will either. People are so bloody rude.

Scout2016 · 27/05/2020 20:05

YANBU big time. People ask who aren't even really interested,like it's just something to say. I've even had it off charity people at the door trying to be jovial "oh, just waiting for the right time hey?" We did eventually have a child. Now people ask when are we having another? I'm sick of it so I just tell them the truth - I don't think we can, it was years of heartbreak before we had this one and we needed help to make her so now we just count ourselves lucky. If it makes one person think twice then job done. I wish I'd been blunter with people before too but it was too hard.

Thumbkins · 27/05/2020 20:11

Personally yes I think it’s very rude and incredibly insensitive.

My husband and I struggled for three years to conceive but we were incredibly lucky to conceive naturally just before we went down the IVF route.

I conceived a month after my 34th Birthday and I remember that birthday so well. A lady at work - who I really did not like anyway - asked me if I was pregnant. It was like a massive slap in the face. I wanted to yell “no I am not and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat in our office toilet quietly weeping because my period has arrived, yet again, then had to dry my eyes, slap on a smile and come back to my desk to be cheerful and helpful!!”

I was so gutted that day, I felt very conscious that I was another year older, still no baby... and God I couldn’t stand that woman at the best of times. Also to be told you look pregnant is not ideal.

I drove to my parent’s that evening after work. My Dad handed me a massive glass of wine and watched me sob and sob.

I also remember being asked my a male colleague and when I told him I was struggling to conceive he said “God, I hope you don’t tell everyone that!” I was very shocked by that response.

Sending you all my best wishes OP

TheGinGenie · 27/05/2020 20:12

Agree this is never an acceptable question. I only discuss having children when the women themselves bring it up as conversation topic. So many painful reasons people might not have children that it's not simple small talk. I've started answering quite bluntly and it usually shuts them down.

cstaff · 27/05/2020 20:23

I actually love your response OP and while it doesn't help you specifically maybe they will think twice before asking the same stupid insensitive question off another woman.

billy1966 · 27/05/2020 20:26

This is one of those things that positively gives me the rage.

Beyond rude and ignorant.

I like responses to be brutal to people who ask questions like these.

walkingchuckydoll · 27/05/2020 20:28

I'm rude back. I might once have said to a man that I wasn't asking questions about his dick and balls so he shouldn't ask about my personal stuff.

StoneSourFan · 27/05/2020 20:31

It's very rude and no ones business! As soon as we got married.... When are you having kids?
My sister had the same and was married 5 years before conceiving my niece. She now gets asked when she is having another (she is not) I was getting told that my niece needed a little cousin. Including comments on Facebook, if I put a picture on of my niece.
We managed to conceive naturally in between IVF cycles and now being asked when we are having another!!
I told people when we were ttc (depending on who it was!) if it was one of my elderly patients I used to say we haven't been blessed yet (I had a lot of prayers said for me from them bless them)
Other people I used to say it's none of your business.
Now when I'm asked if I'm having another I say 'if we can as it took us a while to have my dd' xxx

Trumpleton · 27/05/2020 20:40

Agree with you, it is so rude, thoughtless and insensitive! Having also struggled to conceive, i think i am / was more sensitive to the question. One man i worked with asked multiple times if i was 'clucky' didn't I want children etc whilst i was going through fertility investigations. Take the awkward answer as a hint to shut up!!
When i was a young adult I probably wouldn't have thought anything of asking as had no frame of reference for fertility struggles (even though i now know my own mother struggled but we never had that conversation)