AIBU to think is incredibly rude to ask women when they are going have a baby?

[FucksBizz]

DH and I can’t have children. We have had multiple painful losses over the last three years and medical science doesn’t seem to quite stretch to solving the problem. We cannot face the trauma any more and have decided that we will never have children. I don’t think this is anyone’s business but ours, but still, I am asked this awful question with tedious regularity. I have started responding with a blunt ‘we can’t, but thanks for asking!’ but I guess this is something that I will asked again and again throughout my life.

AIBU to think that you should NEVER ask a woman when she’s going to have children?

Just noticed a typo in the title!

You're totally right.

It definitely doesn't fit in to the category of small talk, that's for sure.

I'm sorry for your losses and also for your rude friends.

YANBU

I absolutely agree with you. Figure if those of us who are child-free/childless keep replying in such a way as to signify how bloody awful the question is, maybe everybody will eventually be trained out of asking it.

Yes, very rude. And very nosy. I think your answer is absolutely fine, maybe it'll make them reconsider asking such a personal question in the future. I'm sorry for your losses

I agree with you completely. Someone's reproductive plans are off limits unless they are brought up by them first. I had some fucking idiot ask me when I was going to have another baby when my first was five days old. As if she were entitled to know! It's infuriating.

This infuriates me. I have 2 DC and had no trouble conceiving but I have very close friends who are affected by this insensitive and cruel question.

One friend cannot conceive naturally with multiple failed IVF.
One married friend does not want children. Her reasons are her own.
One friend has had a traumatic previous birth with PND directly linked to the ptsd that she suffered.
One friend has a DC and has a MC after. She cannot TTC again as her heart is broken.

I know these details as they are my friends. If you’re not close enough to know personal details then never ask such a rude question.

OP there should be an equally hurtful question that you are allowed to ask in return. Like ‘did you bang your head or where you born with no manners?!’

Having TTC 9yrs and just had my 3rd MC, I understand. Friends and family used to ask in the early days after marriage, but no one does now. I think random people casually ask about kids, as they assume that the vast majority my age have at least 1. (hair dresser, nail lady etc to make small talk). Unless you have suffered infertility and multiple losses, people that have had a family easily have no clue. I certainly done think they ask to be cruel, they just have no concept that someone who dearly wants a child, physically cant have one.

‘Did you bang your head or where you born with no manners?!’

I am so adding that to the list of responses!

Absolutely people still ask my Aunty, she’s been married over 10 years and is nearly 50. They tried and couldn’t and it’s hurtful to be asked all the time.

Sorry for your losses. It's rude and weird.
I started a new job in my early 30s and was asked if I had children, no I replied...her follow up was what's wrong with you? Once I'd picked my jaw back up, I may have been ever so slightly rude. I can't imagine how painful it would have been to have been asked in front of a bunch of new colleagues if we had been trying to conceive/diagnosed with infertility/going through IVF.

It is never an acceptable question and I can’t think why anyone ever thinks it’s ok to ask it.

I’m so sorry for your losses

I agree and I'm very surprised people still ask this!

Completely agree. I would also add ‘are you going to have another?’
For some people it’s not possible.

It is very rude, my eldest DD gets married next year yet ppl say 'oh have they not had a baby yet?' (she's 26)
No, there's more to her than a baby machine and usually get eye rolls when I say she's concentrating on her career.
Too many folk stuck in the 1950s.

I have one and I am always asked about when I am going to have another. The comments range from that she must be lonely without siblings, or she will be spoilt when she’s older to she’ll be by herself looking after her parents in old age which is cruel for her.

In fact I can’t have another due to medical complications after having her.
I know I am very lucky to both have her and be alive, but it grates that they spew all these negative things about how she can’t possibly love being an only child and must be having a terrible lonely childhood without thinking.

I generally just respond with I can’t have another and leave it at that which invariable is followed with the question why (which makes me even angrier). Do they not think that I haven’t already agonised over not being able to give her a sibling , the downsides that everyone sees to being an only child? That she may be lonely? I find that people are just nosey to the point of being cruel. In fact I’m luck in the sense that my DD has never wanted siblings and really doesn’t mind being an only child but that’s not the point

I hear you, we can’t and it hurts, you get people saying ‘have you never wanted children?’
My mother ‘are you going to get a move on and make me a grannie?’
One colleague said at a function ‘don’t mind battle she hates kids’ as her and someone ended discussed their children. I actually felt so upset. I don’t hate children I want them badly but we can’t.

I usually tell the truth to shame them ‘after 7 miscarriages it’s not going to happen really is it now?’

Totally agree.

My husband asked some friends just after they got married. I didn't even wait for a response, I immediately told my husband not to be such a rude arse. He apologised to the couple and they were fine about it. He didn't even think about, it's only when we talked about it later that he realised why it's so rude.

The thing is, it's such an intrusive question. So even if you put aside how sensitive an issue it is, I don't understand why people want to be so I intrusive

I agree completely. People are thoughtless and don't realise the pain this can cause, especially if they've never faced infertility or miscarriage.

I'm sorry that you have to face this. It is so unfair.

I will go against the grain here and say it doesn't bother me at all.

In fact I often turn it around and use it as a positive to inform people about fertility issues

I was told I would never have children/infertile etc until DS came along as a huge surprise 18 months ago.

I was asked prior to him when I would be having children, and I get asked now when we will be having the next one.

It really doesn't bother me at all.

It's extremely rude. As rude as asking a woman when the baby is due. (This happened to me and I wasn't pregnant, I was bloated after eating a pizza).

Sorry for your losses OP. I'm in the same boat, but we are still trying.

Can't imagine who voted YABU.

another one wax when o turned 30 and oblivious male colleague kept saying ‘oh you better get a move on!’ FUCK OFF maybe you should get a move on and get a girlfriend.

In fact I often turn it around and use it as a positive to inform people about fertility issues

Whilst I’m glad that you don’t find the question upsetting, I don’t want to discuss my fertility issues with acquaintances. Infertile women are not responsible for educating idiots.