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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

367 replies

Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 20:57

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

OP posts:
FeelingTheBurn · 27/05/2020 08:17

You give your two biological children a room each. If SD wants to visit, they double up and she sleeps in one of the rooms or she's on the sofa.

lifestooshort123 · 27/05/2020 08:19

This situation has so many sides to it.

You don't feel comfortable in the house - do you really want to be tied to it for ever if your DH dies first?

If you die first, will your children be made to feel welcome when they are 22?

Make a big deal of taking her to choose a new sofa bed for her to use, explain to her why there's no longer space to allocate her a bedroom - take responsibility as dad still has guilt issues.

If you're prepared to move out over this, is the relationship right for you?

You did the right thing relinquishing any claim to the house (you didn't share your own equity but put it away for your children).

Would he agree to rent the house out to pay the mortgage on a jointly-owned house (still with a sofa bed!)?

SpillTheTeaa · 27/05/2020 08:21

She doesn't need a room as a 'back up' she is 22 not 12. Just move her stuff out and move your daughter in. She sounds like a brat.

MrsWhites · 27/05/2020 08:22

I haven’t read the full thread OP but I think you’ve created a situation where both you and your husband see what is now your family home as his house, you’ve given him all the power and he now sees this as his decision. When actually it should be a joint decision on what is best for your family, primarily the children who live there full time!

Footywife · 27/05/2020 08:26

I don't think she should be forced to give up her room. If you'd stayed in your two bedroomed place your two would still have to share.

I don't understand the bit about keeping her room to protect her inheritance. Keeping a room doesn't have any bearing on inheritance

Livelovebehappy · 27/05/2020 08:28

You have to regard it as a family home for all of you, despite your dsd only staying occasionally. She obviously wants to feel like she still has a home with her DF, and if the room is taken away she no longer has a home there. This is a problem you and your DH need to sort out - basically you have to sort out an extra room, be it loft conversion, a lean to or something similar. Not easy I know on limited funds, but all DCs have to feel they are being treated equally.

CantKeepSecrets · 27/05/2020 08:31

She's 22!!!!! All involved need to grow a back bone.

I don't even think I'd moved out 24 hours before my bedroom at my parents was stripped , decorated and given to my sister and I was 16.

Decorate the room, get a sofa bed in the living room for the princess and tell her to get a grip.

Brefugee · 27/05/2020 08:33

if you're going to chat about this with your husband you should make a few scenarios that you can live with and ask him to pick one. Such as:

  1. you and your daughters move to rented accommodation with a bedroom each
  2. "princess" (WTF?) grows the fuck up and gives her room to her step-sister (and sleeps on a sofa-bed in the living room when she visits in case you're right and using your daughter's room would mean she comes over more often)
  3. you all move and rent out this house until your daughters leave home
  4. your daughter starts paying rent for the room (proper rent, not something that her dad sneaks back to her)

anything you fancy really - but be prepared to carry each one of them out whatever he picks.

good luck!

FeelingTheBurn · 27/05/2020 08:33

basically you have to sort out an extra room, be it loft conversion, a lean to or something similar. Not easy I know on limited funds, but all DCs have to feel they are being treated equally.

I don't agree. The SD is 22, not a minor. She doesn't need to be treated fairly, and doesn't need a room "held" for her indefinitely. Building her another room is just insane if she only stays rarely.

skinnyhotchoc · 27/05/2020 08:36

This is a very weird thread. Why on earth you had a document made to say you had no rights to the house I don't know! I don't see how you could afford to do that when you're also saying you can't afford to pay rent on your own. I also don't understand how you expect to carry on living in the house if your dh dies if you've signed away rights to it. You've just had cancer you say? What would have happened to your children? Do you really think they could have stayed in that house with their step sister wielding power? You haven't protected your girls at all.
I would be having a new document drawn, get your ducks in a row now and meantime move the step daughter's stuff out of the room and get your daughter in there. Stop being a doormat.

skinnyhotchoc · 27/05/2020 08:39

FYI my older step kid is going to uni soon and we've put the house on the market. There will be no bedroom for her in the new house at all. I'm not forking our money for a huge house I don't need just to accommodate an adult who may or may not visit

Moanitywhine · 27/05/2020 08:47

Apologies if this has been suggested before - only got to page 4 - is this a house that can be extended into the loft?

Or a garden studio at the bottom of the garden?

sauvignonblancplz · 27/05/2020 08:50

You don’t sound like a bad step mum at all, your step daughter and husband sounds ridiculous.

What about his ex- could the husband and her challenge the daughter together?

AwwDontGo · 27/05/2020 08:51

The step daughter has already Offered your daughter the room to use when she isn't using it. Not sure why she is being vilified quite so much.

I'd just go along with that. Move your daughter in and see what happens. You say that means the step daughter will then want to come and sleep over just to be difficult but I'm not sure how you can know that.

A lot of the other suggestions are just going to cause a lot of unpleasantness and conflict.

QuarantineQueen · 27/05/2020 08:55

Being disabled does not give her the right to be selfish. I have a similar disability (but as I can walk more than 200m no longer qualify for PIP? So I'm bewildered that she does and walks 10 miles, I can only manage about half a km!).
My disability does not, and did not, mean that my stepsisters should go without so that I could have a 'back up room' as an adult. So please don't let her or your DH pull the disabled card.

doughnutmuffin · 27/05/2020 09:02

Wow she's an adult, 22!! It's incredibly selfish and spoilt. Does she live at home with her mother? Honestly at that age I wasn't even living at home.

doughnutmuffin · 27/05/2020 09:03

Also how often does she stay over?

funinthesun19 · 27/05/2020 09:09

basically you have to sort out an extra room, be it loft conversion, a lean to or something similar. Not easy I know on limited funds, but all DCs have to feel they are being treated equally.

The stepdaughter is 22. You really don’t have to treat adult dcs equally to younger siblings who are still dependents. Adult dc should have the emotional ability and maturity to understand this. Yes that means adult stepchildren too.

FinallyHere · 27/05/2020 09:11

The DSD only has this power because your DH is going along with it, so it is a DH problem.

Did you and he give any thought to what would happen as your DCs got older?

I would be inclined to ask him what he proposes and if it didn't involve a decent secure home life for your DD, to move out.

You cannot be sure that your DD will inherit from their father. Have a look at the cost of care/nursing homes If he gets ill and needs that level of support.

Great expectations are all very well but your DDs need security now. How do they feel about 'Daddy's little princess' or are they used to being g second class in their current home. Ouch.

rattusrattus20 · 27/05/2020 09:14

YANBU at all - if she doesn't live here/has another home, this is cut and dried.

purpleboy · 27/05/2020 09:32

I think it's fair enough regarding the house, it wasn't yours, you haven't financially contributed to the mortgage, so you shouldn't have a claim on it.
However your obviously saving money from not paying rent/mortgage, and you already have a nest egg plus your children have savings, if you pool all that together is that not enough for you to buy your own place, which will then be inherited by your own children?

Sugarhouse · 27/05/2020 09:33

This is very strange of course your daughters should have the room. I moved out at 19 and bought a house at 21 why on earth does she need a bedroom where she doesn’t live as a grown adult. I can understand her wanting to occasionally stay over absolutely but she should take the sofa or a camp bed. Is she planning on keeping a room in your house even once she moves out of the mothers house and into her own? She needs to grow up. I could totally understand if she was a teenager but this is ridiculous.

Azaziel · 27/05/2020 09:44

Oh dear lord, this whole situation is ridiculous af 🙄 you are bu just for signing your rights away to the house op. The reason being that you apparently have absolutely no say in what happens in it. You adult step daughter is apparently head of the household and she doesn’t even live there, I think it’s time that someone started putting YOUR children first. You oh is putting his children first, right now you are also putting his children first. What would happen if you simply did up and put your daughter in that room? Imo you need to move out to improve your children’s standard of living. None of you sound happy in that house, or with this situation

Runnerduck34 · 27/05/2020 09:59

What an awful situation. On these threads i am usually sympathetic to visiting step kids feeling pushed out but in this case she needs to grow up and stop being selfish. I do understand why she would like to keep her room but the sacrifices are too high for those living permanently in the house. I would push your dh to sell the house so you can buy a family home together, have a fresh start or at the very least rent. This house comes with too many strings! start looking to show you are serious, or buy a sofa bed and say to dh that dsd can have your room when she visits and you and him can sleep on sofabed.
I agree " loaning" one of your dds her room with threat of being thrown out of the room any time isnt great, could you and DH move into that room once its decorated and move out when dsd visitsinstead? Not great but might make DH think!

FeelingTheBurn · 27/05/2020 10:06

@Sugarhouse

This is very strange of course your daughters should have the room. I moved out at 19 and bought a house at 21 why on earth does she need a bedroom where she doesn’t live as a grown adult. I can understand her wanting to occasionally stay over absolutely but she should take the sofa or a camp bed. Is she planning on keeping a room in your house even once she moves out of the mothers house and into her own? She needs to grow up. I could totally understand if she was a teenager but this is ridiculous.
Even as a teenager it's ridiculous. My dad moved in with his partner to a four bedded house when I was 17. The partner had three children who got the three bedrooms. By that point, I wasn't really staying overnight with him anyway, but the few times I did, I slept on the sofa or the two younger boys would double up.
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