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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

367 replies

Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 20:57

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

OP posts:
mrsBtheparker · 27/05/2020 05:43

It's not her house; it's her dad's house. She will get her share eventually

Not necessarily, he could choose to will it to someone less entitled and lazy!

jay55 · 27/05/2020 05:45

SD wouldn't be giving up her room for long, couple of years and your daughters will be off to uni or out into the world.

I mean they are going to leave as soon as they can to make themselves a home they feel welcome in.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/05/2020 05:50

I think it is unreasonable to have a room left for an adult dd who is not even there most of the time, when 2 others are crammed in together.
If your H will not look into the possibility of his DD giving up her room, is there anywhere you could extend? Could you consider having a garage conversion, or something like that? I even know people who have put up garden sheds and used those for their children as they've grown too big to share, although that would be tricky in winter, I should think! But maybe if the one DD had it as her "space", it wouldn't matter so much where she slept? Just an idea.

AlternativePerspective · 27/05/2020 05:57

Surely the best solution here is for your DD’s to have a room each and then if she comes to stay then let them share?

As for “it’s her inheritance,” if mine threw that kind of line at me I’d change the will and leave it to the cats home.

And it doesn’t have to be literally your house for it to be your home. It’s still the marital home, and if you separated he still wouldn’t be able to make you leave.

Besides any kind of prenup is worthless in this country.

Lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 27/05/2020 06:30

What a difficult and frustrating situation. As others have suggested, I think a loft conversion/ extension is the solution here if that's possible. You have no mortgage and the monthly payments on say 50k would be minimal.

That said I do appreciate there are other issues here. Who pays for it ? If you can't have a grown up conversation with your DH about that then clearly you have bigger issues.

Also the SD. I find her self entitlement gobsmacking. An inheritance is something that people do or do not happen to come by when a close relative dies. It's a horrible attitude to have her own claim on it 'earmarked' for when her Dad is dead. Either way her 'claim' would still be intact if he chose to leave it to her regardless of whether she has her own room in the house.

I hope you can resolve this OP. I feel for you.

stellabelle · 27/05/2020 06:44

The house is not her inheritance. It is her father's house, his property, end of story. When he dies, he might leave it to her and her sister and he might not . An inheritance happens when someone dies, it isn't just sitting there with her name on it. Get that idea out of your head and give your daughters a room each. DSD can surely bunk on the couch if she only visits once a month.

Cremebrule · 27/05/2020 06:45

This whole thing is bonkers. Would your DH really see you potentially divorce and uproot after you’ve had cancer surgery because of preserving the room for the step daughter? That really isn’t a normal set of priorities (for either of you) and it does feel like there must be something else under the surface despite you saying everything is lovely.

For what it’s worth, I think it’s often a mistake to pass an asset down rather than selling and splitting. People seem to become overly tied to property that might not be suitable etc. You’d have been better to use the money in the property to get your own place that was suitable for your needs. You could still rent it out. It seems like you’re going for a more extreme option.

ponchek · 27/05/2020 06:49

Hmm.

The house isn't big enough as it is. You don't want to go splitting up over this, or renting a separate house - imo that would be extreme and kind of defeat the aim in the first place. You don't want to live apart. You just want enough room for everyone.

Choices have to be practical. Either do a loft conversion or other extension to provide and extra bedroom and shower room. Or sell the house and move. Or let out the house and buy or rent another.

I personally think you should extend existing house if possible. You could help with the cost and then have an interest in the house registered. Do the loft and then either have three kids on first floor and you in loft or give loft to one of your daughters.

Personally I think your step daughter should be allowed to keep her little room and but you should gently insist a room is provided for your daughter.

Leave the father-daughter issues and relationship up to them.

okiedokieme · 27/05/2020 06:50

When we had a 3 bed we had bunk beds in the little room so when visitors came my girls shared and the visitors had dd1's room with double bed. Can your kids sleep in separate rooms but share when dsd comes, my brothers did this when I went to university.

ponchek · 27/05/2020 06:52

Sorry changed my mind - maybe best to just let out the house and use that income to help preferably buy another for you and your husband. That then would truly be your house. You and your kids could feel at home and invested.

It should have 4 beds ideally. The 4th would be spare room/for his daughter.

Lowprofilename · 27/05/2020 06:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Heartlake · 27/05/2020 07:04

Good grief, you have a DH problem!

This is yours and your DDs' home.

Your DSD is an adult and has a home somewhere else.

I get that it's upsetting for her, but this is about need.

As other posters have said, have your DDs share on the odd occasion she stays over.

All this talk of extensions, loft conversions, inheritance etc. is completely over-thinking it.

You're very fortunate to live mortgage-free and I understand the situation re your legal interest in the house.

Just give her some time and make DH handle it. "We've decided that from September DDs are having a room each in our house because they need it. If you come and stay they'll share so that you have somewhere to sleep".

Pinot4me · 27/05/2020 07:32

Get rid of the emotional attachment and in the interim, rent a house that suits you (and your husband) and then rent the current one out. Get a bed settee for when your adult stepdaughter (or anyone else) stays over.

BimbleWimble · 27/05/2020 07:35

Surely the house will have to be sold when (if!) the daughters inherit it anyway?

Mummyjsa · 27/05/2020 07:40

Use the room!!!! When I moved out of my parents it was pretty much instantly my brother moved into my room. Why wouldn’t he as his was smaller and I wasn’t living there?

GabriellaMontez · 27/05/2020 07:40

The more I think about this the more ludicrous it seems. His late aunt and adult step daughter are defining the living arrangements for your daughters.

You really need to chat. Good luck.

fuckinghellthisshit · 27/05/2020 07:50

I can’t see anŷ sense in this situation at all. Houses are not ‘inheritance’ they are homes. This is your home. You are married, why on earth did you sign away your rights? Why on earth does ‘ children first’ mean a grown woman having a room in your home that is empty every day/night. I would start looking at properties and tell him your put your kids first, I must do the same’ and see his reaction. I am very sorry that so many women let men financially control them and and dictate their homes like this.

violetbunny · 27/05/2020 07:51

When I moved out, my mum gave my room to one of my siblings as they had been sharing up until that point. I don't see it as being any different. The "step" relationship here is a red herring.

missbipolar · 27/05/2020 07:54

Actually I'd LTB anyway- he doesn't care about your kids and he proved that the second he didn't want them getting any of the house if he died first. This would be the final nail in the coffin for me

AlternativePerspective · 27/05/2020 07:55

Also, there’s a chance that the DH could end up needing to sell the house to go into a care home when he’s older, in which case there wouldn’t be an inheritance.

Settlersofcatan · 27/05/2020 08:00

Generally mumsnet is all about assets being passed on to your own kids not spouses and step children so I don't really understand why so many posters think the OP and her kids should inherit her husband's late aunt's house over her husband's kids. That bit seems totally reasonable to me, especially as the OP's kids will inherit from their own father.

The room stuff is ridiculous though I would try to find a solution - annex, extension, loft conversion etc

Friendsofmine · 27/05/2020 08:02

I think you have had a hard time on here. If you were a woman having a man come into your inherited home we would be saying that you need to protect your home from him in the event of divorce.

Runmybathforme · 27/05/2020 08:08

Your girls must have their own rooms, this is ridiculous. Your DSD can sleep over in one of the girls rooms for her occasional overnight stays. Your DH needs to get his priorities right. Don’t discuss it with her, just do it.

Scarlettpixie · 27/05/2020 08:15

OP if you could afford to rent or buy on your own, why not pool those funds with DH to have a home big enough for all of you (and that holds less history)?

Disfordarkchocolate · 27/05/2020 08:16

She is an adult who doesn't live there, she gets no say in the situation.

Move your children or sell up and buy a house with a spare room. A house you have ownership of because you are contributing to its upkeep.

I hope you are saving so you have some security if you divorce or he dies before you. As it stands it sounds like this daughter would have you out of that house before her Dad was cold.

I think you need a cold hard look at your finances because as it stands you are not secure. If your husband dies you should have some part of a house you have lived in and maintained.