Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

asking adult step daughter to give up her room?

367 replies

Turnipsandpotatoes · 26/05/2020 20:57

Could do with some friendly advice
Married 7 years,before moving here,I lived in a 2 bed flat rented with my 2 kids,hubby had a 1 bed flat rented and his ex wife lived in the family 3 bed terrace house that was left to hubby by aunt. Ex wife re married and moves to her new hubby home with her kids. I have a lovely relationship with my step kids,I only call them step kids on here to try and make it more clear.. when ex wife moved out,hubby wanted to move into his home with me and my 2 kids. I was worried I would look like a gold digger so had a legal doc made up saying I had no interest in the property. Moved in and I wont lie it's been hard living in a house with so much history, its beautiful and big but after 4 years here it still feels odd occasionally. When I moved here my kids shared a bedroom,and the 3rd bedroom was when my eldest step kid wanted to stay over,which was not often. Fast forward to now,my 2 girls are age 15 and 14 and need their own room,my eldest step daughter is 22 and wont give her room up as its her home her inheritance as she says. My other step daughter has never wanted to stay but visit regularly and I spend one on one time with her and her sister
Eldest step daughter doesnt work,due to I'll health and has been pretty spoilt and has said herself she is daddy princess,and my husband seems to suffer from daddy guilt. I have broached the subject in the past and hubby said it has to be my step child decision to let her room go, we could separate my 2 girls rooms but they would be so tiny you would have to walk side ways to get around the bed.. I do understand my step daughter is keeping her claim on the house via the room,she enjoys the odd weekend here and she likes the safety net if being able to say if she falls out with her mum,I am not trying to boot her out,I try to look at them as my 4 kids and what they need verses what they want
So aibu thinking she doesnt need a room here,and what do I do. Continue and my kids share,or start looking for a 3 bed to rent. Just to add, their is a genuine need my 2 need their own room,youngest is diagnosed with autism,we cant sell the property and cant afford to buy another home and if we do rent we cant afford a 4 bed so they could stay on camp beds but not have their own rooms. I hope I haven't come across as an evil step mum. Thank you

OP posts:
BrummyMum1 · 26/05/2020 23:24

A 22 year old does not need their own bedroom at their parents house once they’ve left home, regardless of who else wants or needs it. You DH is allowing a young adult to act like a spoilt child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2020 23:25

It's hard for kids when their parents split up, no matter their age. There will almost always be some feelings of rejection and hurt, and guilt is common, too.

Bollocks.

Maybe look on it as a blessing, really, shining a light on an area that needs consideration and attention.

Oh dear god. Won’t someone just think of the (grown up 22 year old) children Hmm

My parents divorced when I was a young teen. It was a blessed relief and I had and have wonderful relationships with both of them. I had no room at my dad’s house, we bunked up wherever, no harm done. The day I went to university my brother moved into my room at mum’s and I slept on a mattress on the floor when I came home for the odd weekend. Adore my brother, adore my other siblings, adore both my parents AND close to my step mum.

People get hysterical about step families. It’s deeply unhelpful and silly.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 26/05/2020 23:26

Oh Op. Agree with everyone else - put your DDs needs first. Hopefully your DH will see sense but otherwise hope you find somewhere suitable to live for you and your DDs.

Griselda1 · 26/05/2020 23:28

She has a financial interest in the house so if she doesn't give up her room should contribute her share towards an extension. Your husband needs to be more supportive

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 26/05/2020 23:43

I'm glad all went so well for you, AnneLovesGilbert.

Divorce sometimes upsets children (even adult children). This isn't really that controversial a fact, I would have thought? And people can hold sadness despite loving and 'adoring' their family. People can be complicated. Emotions can be complicated.

I find it a bit Hmm that you see my fairly measured response as 'hysterical', 'bollocks' and 'silly'. No need to be rude, really, is there?

HollowTalk · 26/05/2020 23:45

It's not her house; it's her dad's house. She will get her share eventually, but it's not hers now at 22.

Your husband needs to stand up to her.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 26/05/2020 23:52

Why not take out a mortgage to fund an extension, and change the agreement over the house so that you have some equity?

Or tell the bloody princess to grow up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2020 23:52

OP has two children who may or may not be traumatised by having divorced parents, one who has autism, both who have a step father who doesn’t think they deserve their own rooms in the house he invited them to live in ScrimpshawTheSecond, OP has been dealing with her own serious illness on top of all that which her daughters will be worrying about and you’re suggesting she arranges family therapy to appease her adult step daughter who has a room in her mother’s home and is welcome at her father’s home where she also has a kind and considerate step mum. Calling your idea silly is being kind.

DelphiniumBlue · 26/05/2020 23:54

I think some flexibility is needed. I'd arrange so that your kids use step-daughter's room when she isn't there, but she can sleep in it when she she does visit, and your kids share for a couple of nights. No discussion really necessary. Presumably you can make sure that anything she leaves in the house is not tampered with.
We have a similar arrangement here, in that DS3 moves out of the room that DS2 needs, on the few weekends a year when DS2 comes to stay ( adult living away from home. He is much bigger than DS3 and won't fit comfortably into the tiny bedroom.) DS3 has the bigger room on the basis that he is flexible and gives it up for his brother and any other occasional visitors should it be necessary. No problem, and everyone is accommodated in accordance with their needs.

Cherrysoup · 26/05/2020 23:58

Of course your children get a room each. Your stepdaughter is being ridiculous. Her inheritance has nothing to do with your dc being in their own rooms.

Inkpaperstars · 27/05/2020 00:05

I feel for your SD because being unwell is horrible and she doesn't have the independence and control over her future that many 22 year olds might feel. I also understand an emotional attachment to her room, especially if there are also emotional issues re her relationship with her father.

BUT unless there is something we don't know, I still find it surprising that she does not look at your situation and do the right thing by offering to give up the room. She can't really think it's reasonable for her step sisters whose needs seem greater at this point to not have one room each in their teens while she has two whole rooms to herself. I am assuming that you have discussed all this. I think it is reasonable that she would have an input on bed etc so she has somewhere to sleep that won't flare her condition up.

Inheritance is hypothetical at this point for reasons pp have mentioned and in any case has no bearing on the current use of the house.

Still, she doesn't want to do that, and your DH won't make her. So we come back to the huge underlying issue that the property isn't suitable for your needs. I think you really need a fresh start in a new place not so hampered by all these connections. Do either you or your DH work? If so you probably have saved a lot by having no mortgage or rent to pay, have incomes, and you also have this house to either sell or rent out. I think you need to give your DH a choice, he either supports you and your daughters and finds a way to move to a suitable home, or clearly you are way down on the priority list and you will have to decide how to proceed.

expat101 · 27/05/2020 00:10

I agree you all need a home that everyone feels comfortable in so your alternatives are put on an extension or sell up to buy something more suitable for all.

If SD has a lot of love and feeling for the aunt's house, then give her first right of refusal to purchase it!

I respect that you have taken steps to assure your Hubby you have no claim on something that he inherited prior to your relationship. In funding the next property, you can also have a document prepared that partial funding of the property came from inheritance belonging to Hubby, so after your life interest expires, your children and his will be legally obligated and directed to split the proceeds according to the document. Protects everyone.

(My SIL has lost ownership of everything her parents owned, due to her father re-marrying and the second Will '' disappearing''. The SM even was caught wearing the first wife's clothes! )

Kickanxietyinthebeanbag · 27/05/2020 00:11

Why did you sign that document
You will be paying your share bills ,doing most of the house work ..he’s your husband,it’s half yours

cantarina · 27/05/2020 00:12

Is there really no way to find an alternative space? Loft conversion, extension or garden house? I appreciate this will cost but probably not much more than a year or two of private renting. What would remain unresolved though is that even though you and your daughters are resident, a non resident child has higher status than you. All this talk of it being her inheritance must make you feel like an interloper. Will it ever really be your home?

Ilovemystarter · 27/05/2020 00:19

I’m really concerned about this document you signed supposedly giving up your legal rights. Did you get independent legal advice? (You definitely should have done.) Who drew it up? Who suggested it?
You seem to think that it’s a fixed arrangement that you’ll be able to live in the house until you die. This will only be the case if the house has been put into some sort of trust. If this is just what is specified in your husband’s will, it can be changed! (A will can be altered at any time.) if it’s just what is written on a piece of paper (not a will) then it has no legal effect at all.
I’m worried that you are being taken advantage of & would urge you to get legal advice.
I know this isn’t what you asked about, but I honestly think the particular problem - the bedroom- is a symptom of something deeper, an inequality in your relationship. Please protect yourself! You are not an unpaid housekeeper.

43abc · 27/05/2020 00:35

You need to extend the house or move If you have no mortgage you would be much better putting your savings into an extension and having a share in the house then everyone feels like they have a home. Why pay money out on a private let it doesn’t make sense. Hope you can sort it out !

OtterBe4 · 27/05/2020 00:40

Why on earth would they go to the expense of an extension or lift conversion for someone who at most spends 12 nights a year in the house?
The spoiled brat should be told by her father the room is being better utilised.

1willgetthere · 27/05/2020 00:50

I think its unfair posters saying 'she's 22 and doesn't live there' she can't work due to disabilities so I think she should still be welcome to live with mum and dad and share her time between the houses.

Saying that I do think she should compromise and share with your eldest. She maybe happy to do this, she said your eldest could stay in her single room while she wasn't there but maybe she hadn't considered that sharing the larger room was an option.

snop · 27/05/2020 00:59

Loft conversion maybe

Durgasarrow · 27/05/2020 01:08

I don't think you need your husband's permission or your stepdaughter's permission for your daughter to take the room. I think you and your daughter need to lay down the fucking law. "You know what we're doing as a family this weekend? We are going to move Suzanne into the empty bedroom. She is a young lady and she needs her space, as does her sister. We are not holding a room empty as a shrine for someone who does not live here. We will always welcome Fiona when she comesmaybe we can get a nice foldaway bed so she can stay with Suzanne in her old bedroom when she visits. Or she can camp out on the couchwhich tons of young people love anyway. Or, we can build an addition. But right now, the house has to serve the people who are living in it. It has to be a welcoming home to the family who live there. And that includes your wife and your stepdaughters."

SandyY2K · 27/05/2020 02:05

I can understand why his Aunt stipulated those things. If she didn't and he dies before you, the house would become yours and on your death, you could leave it to your DC. So the Aunts wishes of the property staying in the family disappear.

He owed the place before meeting you, so I can see why you signed those papers. I wouldn't feel a house I haven't contributed a penny to, or wasn't left to me was actually mine. His Ex had to leave and if the same clause was I place, she wouldn't have got anything either.

Assuming there's no other room to convert to a bedroom, would he consider doing an extension on the house?

strawberry2017 · 27/05/2020 03:37

I'm so sorry OP, this is a ridiculous situation to be in because of a 22year old.
I see her on day contesting the will if her father died first.
Sending lots of love and strength x

CrumpetyTea · 27/05/2020 04:27

I do have some sympathy with her - its hard losing your room when you are at that age- you can feel that you don't belong/aren't wanted anymore.
It does seem tenable though - its not just that your girls don't have their own room but it would be good to have a room that either of your stepdaughters could stay in or other guests. I do think that there is too much emotion in this house - I don't understand why DH/you don't just sell and buy another one that can be yours (SD's can keep their financial interest) - then they can have a room to use (ok not their childhood room)
Or you could rent out the childhood house then you and DP together could either rent or buy a 4 bed house together

Hopeisnotastrategy · 27/05/2020 05:38

Presumably she also has her own room at her mum’s, so I’d be asking your husband why it is she gets two rooms while your daughters don’t even get one?

Another thought - there are some fabulous wall beds out there. Is there anywhere in your home could accommodate one of those? Then she’d still have her own bed, all made up and ready to jump in within a few seconds, but that wouldn’t take much room the rest of the time. Might make it a bit easier for everyone and you’d have it for any other guests.

mrsBtheparker · 27/05/2020 05:41

has said herself she is daddy princess,

She deserves to be turfed out for using such an idiotic phrase!
As far as 'this is my inheritance'. my house is my children's inheritance, eventually, but that doesn't give them squatters' rights.