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Original poster

DH giving away our savings...

308 replies

brontechick · 26/05/2020 09:45

SIL is going through a divorce. Her house is up for sale with offers over £600,000. She's started looking at properties around the £150k mark. The house being sold is virtually mortgage free. In the area where she lives £600k is a lot of money for a house, with the average house selling for around the £200k mark.

SIL replies accidentally on our family whatsapp thanking DH for loaning her £15,000 for her deposit.

I am beyond angry. DH did not discuss this with me and has just ploughed ahead and thought that he didn't need to mention it before making this offer.

DH has just taken a 20% pay cut and has been moaning on that money will be a bit tight. Yes, now I know why!

SIL works 16 hours a week so I have no idea when she will pay us back. I appreciate she's going through a hard time, but I have worked bloody hard to put into that savings account and I feel like I don't have an equal say in what we do with our money.

DH thinks I am being unreasonable about the whole thing! Am I?!

OP posts:
Sloth66 · 26/05/2020 13:33

Did he not tell you because he knew you’d be angry about it?
He’s acted in a devious way, I’d wonder if this is the first time.

MzHz · 26/05/2020 13:45

I think OP must be too busy to come back. Are builders still able to deliver patio flags during lockdown?

Yes @LillianBland, have a patio being dug out as we speak... not planning on hiding any bodies there, but you never know if the price is right eh? Grin

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 26/05/2020 13:45

Have a Biscuit Op.

Sn0tnose · 26/05/2020 13:59

Misleading title, he hasn't given it away, its a loan until the house is sold. Maybe he didn't tell you because he felt that he really really wanted to help his sister out and you'd make it difficult, it's only a loan, chill out.

It’s not a misleading title at all. He will have needed to have given his sister written confirmation that the sum is a gift, not a loan. So if his sister suddenly becomes unable or unwilling to pay it back, there’s not much chance of ever seeing the money again. The SiL’s house is three times the price of other houses in the same area. Unemployment rates are rising and I think everyone can agree that there are uncertain economic times ahead. It could be years before the house sells. The OP’s husband has just had a 20% pay cut and has told the OP they need to tighten their belts. If he didn’t tell her because he thought she’d ‘make it difficult’ for him, then he is a fucking arsehole. Most importantly, it was not his money to loan. It belongs to both of them.

Panicbuying · 26/05/2020 14:02

We don’t know if he’d have had to say it was a gift as we don’t even know if she’s taking out a mortgage (can’t imagine why she would be) - she may just be at the bottom of the chain and therefore needing to provide an actual cash deposit which can be passed up the line

YinMnBlue · 26/05/2020 14:07

Not enough info.

yes, he should have discussed this with you, obviously.

But he hasn't 'given away' your savings.

In the scant info you give you don't say more about the circumstances - does she need the deposit now to secure her next house and will pay you back in full as soon as her house is sold? Or from her divorce settlement?

You say house has offers on her house so presumably a sale is imminent?

Calm down, talk about joint money = joint decisions, and come up with a reasonable understanding and guarantee of re-payment and an agreement that significant money does not leave the account in future without full consultation and info.

Ninkanink · 26/05/2020 14:11

Anytime you lend money you are potentially giving it away, as you have absolutely no guarantee that you’ll get it back. So no, you don’t get to potentially give it away, even temporarily, without consulting everyone to whom that money belongs.

It’s absolutely ludicrous to try to excuse it.

LillianBland · 26/05/2020 14:11

not planning on hiding any bodies there, but you never know if the price is right eh?

I’d be careful about advertising that on here. With some of the tossers that some Mumsnetters are stuck with, you’re going to need a bigger patio!

MzHz · 26/05/2020 14:24

I’d be careful about advertising that on here. With some of the tossers that some Mumsnetters are stuck with, you’re going to need a bigger patio!

Oh there is going to be space for a whole lot of tossers! Will tell the team to dig a bit deeper so we can stack em up.

Grin
Abitouting · 26/05/2020 14:27

I'd be putting all the money that I'd put in that joint account into my own sole savings account

YinMnBlue · 26/05/2020 14:28

yes, all lent money is potentially given / lost. But if If I lent one of my siblings money the circumstances in which they would not return it would have to be so catastrophic as to make it irrelevant. And I wouldn't lend it if they were on the brink of bankruptcy, or prison, or other risky circumstances.

if they got run over, my grown up nieces and nephews would ensure re-payment out of the estate.

I know this because I know my siblings and how we operate.

Still wouldn't expect to lend money without fully consulting DH though.

The OP hasn't given us any details like trustworthiness of SIL etc.

He should not have done it without discussion, that much is absolute.

Ninkanink · 26/05/2020 14:34

Yes of course plenty of people are trustworthy and will always pay back money owed.

Plenty of people are not, and won’t. Or might even have good intentions, but it just won’t happen for whatever justifiable or unjustifiable reasons.

Hence, anytime that money is potentially given away, all parties to whom said money belongs should be consulted and in agreement. Without exception.

He was out of order in the first instance, and he was further out of order in making out that OP is ‘being unreasonable about the whole thing.’ She absolutely is not unreasonable to be very angry with him, and he should acknowledge that what he did was wrong.

LillianBland · 26/05/2020 14:38

Pile ‘em high, MzHz. 😁

Erictheavocado · 26/05/2020 14:38

As others have said, when you buy a property these days, you have to show where the deposit money came from. If it comes from someone else, that person has to sign a declaration saying it is a gift and not a loan. Which means that if SIL decides she's not going to pay you back, you have no recourse at all.

I would be disgusted my Dh did this. Even when we've lent money to our DCs, do and I have discussed it and decided together, I think if DC had made this decision to lend/give (because we don't actually know what he agreed) this money to his sister without having the common decency to talk to me first, I would be very seriously re-evaluating our relationship.

Eckhart · 26/05/2020 14:39

It only becomes 'lent' once it's been paid back.

Until then it's gifted, with trust.

MerlinMoo · 26/05/2020 14:40

I would be fuming and demand he get it back ASAP.

Panicbuying · 26/05/2020 14:46

@Erictheavocado you have to show where the money comes from for money laundering purposes. The gift/loan question is if you’re taking out a mortgage, which sil may well not be given the equity she has

rayoflightboy · 26/05/2020 15:01

The thing that gets me is,how did you not notice 15 grand missing op.

Okrightbut · 26/05/2020 15:04

Will she not be paying you both back from the house sale? If its literally a cash flow thing. Not a huge deal. If not I'd be furious.

walkingchuckydoll · 26/05/2020 15:05

Text her something like this:

Dear SIL, I was a bit shocked to read that DH loaned you our savings without discussing it with me first. DH had to take a 20% pay cut so unfortunately we actually need that money ourselves. Please return it within 3 days. Next time you ask for a loan please include both of us since we have joint finances. I do feel for you situation, and I absolutely understand that DH wants to help you, but financially that is not possible at the moment. I hope you can raise it elsewhere. Take care.

It doesn't matter if they both hit the roof, they both shouldn't have kept this a secret from you.

m0therofdragons · 26/05/2020 15:17

@rayoflightboy how often do you log on to the banking app to look at your savings. If you know it’s there and you haven’t spent it, why would you check?

I can’t believe people are suggesting you message the sil, this is between you and Dh. I’d be furious and questioning our marriage. This isn’t sil’s fault! He went behind your back.

cstaff · 26/05/2020 15:23

@rayoflightboy
If it's in a savings account that would be the account I would check least of all. I would just presume that the money was building up. A current account would be different but I wouldn't have 15k sitting in a current.

highmarkingsnowbile · 26/05/2020 15:27

The hell she's going to pay this back. Bollocks. It's gone. Nothing much is selling right about now anyway. There will be some excuse. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms it's a huge breach of trust and unaffordable at a time when he's taken a pay cut and there's a recession looming and he's insulting my trust to try to play the gaslighting weasel trying to make out it's no big deal to give away that much money without discussion. And that if it is not returned then our marriage is over because his desire to play the Big Man is obviously more important that open communication, trust and respect. And I'd mean it.

rayoflightboy · 26/05/2020 15:35

@cstaff suppose so.The DH probably thought he could have it back before op noticed

LordyLordy1 · 26/05/2020 15:38

Hmmm...

the OP made it clear there were offers of over £600K on the house.

Assume the SIL will get 50% of equity so £300K.

Buying a house herself for £150K

Loads of dosh left to repay her brother the £15K loan when her house is sold.

I don't think it is unreasonable to give her the loan but he ought to have asked the OP first for an opinion.

OP seems rather jealous of the SILs big house though.

And it's not clear how well off she is (OP) and if the £15k is a drop in the ocean or all their entire savings.

It's not money being given away- its a loan so bit of an attention-seeking subject line.