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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has broke my trust with confidential issue

72 replies

Wotsits4357542 · 25/05/2020 21:03

I have a friend who confides in me about her abusive marriage, She talks to me quite openly and I advice her but she is still with her husband. He is emotionally abusive and controlling.

I have another friend who I am really close to and being hypocritical have told her some of the incidents to get advice as I don’t know what to do on my other friends behalf I’m quite worried about her.

The one I’ve asked for advice has rang the police and told them what I have told her. It has really pissed me off that she has done this, now I’m worried my friend won’t tell me anything again and it will cause a big mess. The friend can’t seem to understand why I’m so pissed off as she has said it’s the husband that’s in the wrong but I’m trying to protect my friend by letting her come to me and have a person to talk to so I know what’s going on, if I was ever terrified or worried she’d be hurt I’d tell her to ring the police myself. Aibu? Will the police pursue this without the abused friend doing so herself?
I will never tell this friend anything again, she was so blatant about the way she went about it.

OP posts:
Pokemontrainer · 25/05/2020 21:06

I think it is a really hard call.

Your other friend is probably just trying to help.

StirlingWork · 25/05/2020 21:07

That's shit of the friend you asked advice from , OP. YANBU. She should have had enough common sense to see that doing what she did may well put you in this predicament.

Original poster
Wotsits4357542 · 25/05/2020 21:09

@StirlingWork Thankyou! And it is so hard to call. It’s really stressing me out rn and I’m pregnant. So I was trying not to get invokved in any sort of stressful situation or drama but I can’t leave my friend go through something like this alone. I’m worried she will not talk to me again and will have no one to speak to if this comes out and that’s it’s me who said things she’s told me.

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 25/05/2020 21:11

I sympathise with you and with friend two. I have a friend who confuses about an abusive relationship. It got to the point where I told her the position she is putting me in and that I'm not able to just do nothing anymore. I then had to tell half a dozen other friends I don't want to hear what he has done this time as I will be forced to repeat it

nevernotstruggling · 25/05/2020 21:11

Report*

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 25/05/2020 21:12

You are both shit.

Where did you think that gossiping about someone's private life would get you exactly?

She confided in you, you blabbed, you confided in your friend, she blabbed.

Now a vulnerable woman is in more danger, and likely cut off from support too.

Oakmaiden · 25/05/2020 21:13

Surely you broke your friend's trust by gossiping about her to friend 2?

Original poster
Wotsits4357542 · 25/05/2020 21:14

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I didn’t gossip I asked another friend what to do. As in I didn’t know how to help or or what to say! So don’t assume I gossiped. I’m genuinely worried about her because she’s upset most the time I see her and I’m not good with advice so was stuck on what to say.

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 25/05/2020 21:15

If only there was an anonymous forum where you could have asked for advice and not put your friend in danger by telling people she knows about her situation.....

Haretodaygonetomorrow · 25/05/2020 21:15

The friend you’ve asked for advice from is cutting the other friend off from her (only?) confidante. She’s played right into the abusive husbands hands by isolating the wife from her support. What an idiot and I’d struggle to maintain a friendship with her.

user1635482648 · 25/05/2020 21:17

Have you read the Women's Aid website advice on what to do when you're worried about someone like you are?

It would probably be more helpful.

I think you are justified to be concerned your abused friend will end up even more isolated now.

overlywrong · 25/05/2020 21:17

I think you have no right to be upset if first friend wants nothing to do with you again, she tells you things because she trusts you to just listen and not act on anything. Whether you don't know what advice to offer doesn't give you the right to speak to second friend about it. You could have potentially opened up a huge can of worms that first friend isn't ready to deal with yet or at all. Yes it's really shit how she's treated and it's best for her to get out but she might not be strong enough to do that. I'm not saying second friend isn't in the wrong but you can't blame it all on them. The police might talk to the abusive husband, but nothing might happen if first friend won't talk to them.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 25/05/2020 21:18

This is so hard.You friend is right to do what she thought was best. You can't confide such serious things in people and expect them to do nothing.You don't know how it effected your friend -or her history. Sometimes we try to do the right thing and both you and your friend are doing what they feel are right. When in an abusive relationship I confided in people -some people wouldn't talk to me to support me, some people told him what I had confided in them about it. It's about empowering that person to leave - as she is the only person that can do so. I'm like your friend due to my past -and if someone confided in me about abuse I would have to do something -but what? But I would have been able to my mouth shut. But I would have done it through her. You need to phone the original friend and tell her what you have done -before anyone else does. Confront him - he could kill her. Talk to the police -I've known the police to rock up and question them both -he takes it out on her later. Equally I have knows the police to empower the woman to leave. My friend was in an awful abusive marriage but he never 'touched her' always name calling, etc I gave her a key- I touched base with her daily. She knew I was there -when he did go mad - I had already said to her -you aren't safe-I have a big enough house, here is a key, come stay a week, month or year -kids welcome. She phoned me at 4am and she came with kids whilst she phoned the police. She never went back -thank god. If she had -what would I have done -I don't know.

Leeds2 · 25/05/2020 21:18

If I had confided in you about any abuse I was suffering, I don't think I would ever forgive you if you told a friend (particularly one who must've known enough about me to be able to give my details to the police). Nor would I ever trust you again. So, at least if I were your abused friend, your inability to keep a confidence would have lost me one of my confidants.
I actually have more sympathy with your second friend, who was probably not under the same obligation.

Etinox · 25/05/2020 21:23

If Friend 1 was in danger, Friend 2 did the right thing. Why didn’t you call the police? If Friend 1 wasn’t in danger then yes, pretty awkward that the police have been called.
It’s never a good idea to gossip talk about other people.

AnyFucker · 25/05/2020 21:28

Well, you have both been pretty stupid here, haven't you

Werkwerkwerkwerkwerkwerk · 25/05/2020 21:35

YDBU

YOURE THE ONE WHO BROKE THE TRUST IN THE FIRST PLACE.

none of this would of have happened if you were,

  1. a good friend and reported this in the first place

  2. not gone behind your friends back giving enough details for them to report and breaking the confidentiality you had

  3. wasnt now trying to blame this on someone else

saraclara · 25/05/2020 21:40

If I was the friend who'd confided in you I would never, ever forgive you. Sorry, but a confidence is a confidence.
There's no point blaming the second friend. You were the one who gave her the information that she acted on.

I hate people who can't keep their mouths shut. If you need advice on something that someone's told you in confidence, you get it from a source who doesn't know the confider.

This sort of thing is why I don't confide in people any more.

TheOrigBrave · 25/05/2020 21:42

You're an idiot.

When I was going through the hardest part of my abusive marriage I confided in one or two people ONLY because I could trust them.

I left him. They helped me. But it was on MY terms. The police had already been involved. Them turning up in response to a phone call from someone else may totally have mucked it all up and made my life more hell.

Emotional abuse is very complicated. You can't just rock up with a black eye and get the perp removed.

If you'd done that to me I would never trust you again.

Twillow · 25/05/2020 21:43

I get that you're both trying to help Person A, BUT you have broken trust by telling someone else without her permission.
I have been person A. I'm sorry that it is a burden to hear tales of DA, but believe me it is worse to be living them and be gradually trying to build up your own confidence and acceptance that it is wrong by telling another person.
Please just listen to her, and accept that telling her story to another person is all she needs and can cope with right now. You can ask her if there is anything she wants you to do. If not then maybe one day there will be and she will trust you enough to ask then.

Eckhart · 25/05/2020 21:44

You were asking for advice from friend 2 until you told her who you were talking about. Afterwards, you were gossiping.

Friend 1 hopefully has some other friends that she can trust not to share her personal information, and won''t talk to you again.

It sounds like you're hoping she won't find out what you did. Take responsibility for your actions and tell her you're sorry, at least. The fact that you had good intentions is neither here nor there. This isn't about you.

Notapheasantplucker · 25/05/2020 21:46

YABU for telling friend 2 in the first place

Pinkyyy · 25/05/2020 21:47

You betrayed her trust. If it's bad enough for someone with third had knowledge to call the police the you probably should have already done that.

Original poster
Wotsits4357542 · 25/05/2020 21:48

She’s actually my sister in law my husbands brothers wife.
Which makes it more complicated. My friend said she hasn’t made a statement just had a phone call to the police so far.
I’ve asked her not to pursue it now.
I was under the impression she had already done so. It is not to get found out that I have told her but only for

  1. She won’t trust me again and rightly so and I’m worried she won’t talk to anyone and will try and cope with this on her own, when I genuinely care about her.
  2. My husbands brother has no knowledge that I know about this and I’m afraid it will make a huge family mess.
I have been completely stupid and a shit friend I really do take in what you are saying.
OP posts:
TheRealShatParp · 25/05/2020 21:51

OP how awful that you spoke to another friend about this. I would never forgive that, not a chance.
Your friend has been an idiot, too. You have to tread very carefully when it comes to domestics abuse. Calling the police has put made your friend very vulnerable.
Surely there is somewhere else you can go to for advice.