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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend has broke my trust with confidential issue

72 replies

Wotsits4357542 · 25/05/2020 21:03

I have a friend who confides in me about her abusive marriage, She talks to me quite openly and I advice her but she is still with her husband. He is emotionally abusive and controlling.

I have another friend who I am really close to and being hypocritical have told her some of the incidents to get advice as I don’t know what to do on my other friends behalf I’m quite worried about her.

The one I’ve asked for advice has rang the police and told them what I have told her. It has really pissed me off that she has done this, now I’m worried my friend won’t tell me anything again and it will cause a big mess. The friend can’t seem to understand why I’m so pissed off as she has said it’s the husband that’s in the wrong but I’m trying to protect my friend by letting her come to me and have a person to talk to so I know what’s going on, if I was ever terrified or worried she’d be hurt I’d tell her to ring the police myself. Aibu? Will the police pursue this without the abused friend doing so herself?
I will never tell this friend anything again, she was so blatant about the way she went about it.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromGoogle · 25/05/2020 22:00

Surely you could have asked Friend 2 for advice without actually revealing who you were talking about? Why did she need to know it was Friend 1? As PPs have said, you could have looked up Women's Aid online, given them a call, asked on MN or any other anonymous forum if you were unsure what to say or do. You could have asked another friend who didn't know her. You were gossiping. Sorry, but you were. And if I was Friend 1 I'd never forgive you for that.

Thelnebriati · 25/05/2020 22:00

Loads of info here;
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

''...there are some basic steps that you can take to assist and give support to a friend, family member, colleague, neighbour or anyone you know who confides in you that they are experiencing domestic abuse...''
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

I think Friend B needs to read this;
One of the questions we hear time and time again is “Why doesn’t she just leave?”
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/

Eckhart · 25/05/2020 22:02

Make sure she knows for future reference what support agencies there are that she can access, in an emergency, or if she needs to talk to someone. If she finds out what you've done, she's going to need support and you won't be able to provide her with details about anything at that point because she won't want to talk to you.

Ohtherewearethen · 25/05/2020 22:02

It sounds like the friend you blabbed to loves the feeling of being involved in a drama. I think you realise you've made a grave mistake and probably know better than to repeat it. I just don't understand why, if you were genuinely seeking advice, you didn't keep your SIL's identity out of it. Second friend wouldn't need to know anything identifying about SIL. I think you need to take responsibility for your recklessness and hope it doesn't isolate SIL further.

FortunesFave · 25/05/2020 22:06

Listen...NOBODY here has asked the question that matters. Are there children in the house with the abuse?

If there are then your friend did the right thing.

Bluntness100 · 25/05/2020 22:08

Does your husband know? I’m a bit disturbed by your comment it will make a huge family mess, ultimately she comes first right?

why don’t you discuss it with your husband instead of your mate? It must be bad if she felt compelled to call the police.

tribpot · 25/05/2020 22:09

She’s actually my sister in law my husbands brothers wife.

Who's 'she'? The woman being abused is your husband's brother's wife? Your husband's brother is therefore the abuser?

My husbands brother has no knowledge that I know about this and I’m afraid it will make a huge family mess.
This really does sound like he is the abuser.

You may have been put in a difficult position by the abuse victim, but you in turn have placed your friend in an impossible situation as well. Everyone feeling like 'it's not their place' to report abuse is what leads to women being killed.

Nomorepies · 25/05/2020 22:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 25/05/2020 22:11

Everyone feeling like 'it's not their place' to report abuse is what leads to women being killed

This, this let’s all keep it secret. It must be bad as said if this woman called the police.

I assumed it was the abused woman who is the sister in law? Because she says her husbands brother doesn’t know she knows.

But again does your husband know?

Nottherealslimshady · 25/05/2020 22:12

You should not have spoken to your friend about your SILs problems. How could she possibly trust you after that?
As someone else said, if you were asking advice on a situation you should have kept her identity out of it. It just looks like backstabbing gossip tbh, that's how I'd see it. And you're annoyed that she went on to ask the police advice?

Breakingthewaves · 25/05/2020 22:21

It's a really shit thing to get up the courage to confide in someone and then find they have talked to someone else without your knowledge. I hope you learn from this and become a better friend. This happened to me and I just stopped telling her in the end and tell her everything's fine. I found better friends and support

CelestialSpanking · 25/05/2020 22:22

Honestly you would have been better off ringing women’s aid or the domestic abuse helpline and asking for advice on how to help your friend rather than confiding in another friend. I understand why you did what you did but I would also understand if the friend who is being abused was upset with you. A call from the police when I was still with my abusive ex (assuming they
Follow it up) would have terrified me! I’d have been scared my kids would be taken from me.

MitziK · 25/05/2020 22:22

To be honest, I think your friend is the responsible one here in actually asking for actual advice rather than 'not wanting to cause trouble'.

Keeping secrets just allows abuse to continue.

EmeraldShamrock · 25/05/2020 22:23

This is a big mess. You obviously discuss this with DH? What does he think of his abusive brother. SIL will need help to keave him and secrets don't help anyone. If it was my SIL I'd encourage her to leave I'd also push DH to speak to him.
It really wasn't friend C's business.
The cat is out of the bag.

Puds11 · 25/05/2020 22:28

Does your husband know? And if he does, what is he doing about it?

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 25/05/2020 22:30

How awful Op. Hope she gets the support and strength to leave him and get herself to safety. If they have DCs, then you need to tell the authorities yourself as they need to be protected.

suggestionsplease1 · 25/05/2020 22:30

I find the a lot of the comments here strange to be honest. If the one you confided in became aware of sabuse then she did the right thing in contacting the police and bringing the situation to light.

This is a well-known difficulty in domestic abuse situations - that the one who is being abused does not want to press charges and it often takes outside "interference" to put into action the protective mechanisms for that person.

Depending on what she heard I think the friend you told did the right thing. If the husband has nothing to be concerned about he will have no difficulties with speaking to police and clearing up the misunderstanding.

Hunnybears · 25/05/2020 22:39

I think friend two should have kept the information confidential. She may make it worse for friend one.

She sounds naive and a bit of a doo gooder to be honest. As if you hadn’t thought of calling the police....

I wouldn’t tell her a thing again!

Jenasaurus · 25/05/2020 22:42

It depends on your DH relationship with his DB, if you had spoken to him about your concerns, would he have approached his DB and thus created more problems for your SIL, I dont think you should have shared the confidence with someone else, but like a PP has said it sounds like something serious for you friend to feel she had no option but to report it to the police. Again as another PP said, if their are DC involved action needs to be taken to protect them.

AJPTaylor · 25/05/2020 22:45

But that is the issue. You have agreed to keep her confidence but found it too much of a burden to keep to yourself. Offloaded to other friend who thought rightly or wrongly she needed to tell police, probably because she couldn't live with herself if something happened.
You need to look to yourself really.

PurpleFrames · 25/05/2020 22:49

How youre feeling now is a minuscule percent of how afraid your SIL will be feeling.
I hope she's not put in more danger

Original poster
Wotsits4357542 · 25/05/2020 22:49

My husband knows some of it but not to the extent I do. She has told me he calls her names, takes her phone off of her. She can’t be left alone without him, just down right vile to her in the things he says. And that he also pinched her arm really hard it made her cry. That’s what I’ve told my other friend. My sil has told me these things and I should t have told anybody, I am worrying so much about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wotsits4357542 · 25/05/2020 22:51

I asked if she is scared of him and she said no, she just feels like he is horrible to her and she’s at breaking point.

OP posts:
sufferingsandra · 25/05/2020 22:59

@Wotsits4357542

You’ve made a mistake and you’re aware that you’ve been foolish and put this woman in a vulnerable position.

I’m not here to crucify you. We all make mistakes but this one could have serious consequences. I think you need to speak to your husband. Prepare yourself that your SIL may not want to speak with you again.

CJsGoldfish · 25/05/2020 23:12

There are a number of ways you could have sought advice for your friend, gossiping is not one of them. And that is exactly what you were doing.
I'm not sure that you are not more worried about the impact on you now that you've been found out.
You can't change it now but don't expect any trust coming your way anymore.
The upside is that maybe your friend will be forced to seek proper advice from someone who can actually help her.