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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend has broke my trust with confidential issue

72 replies

Wotsits4357542 · 25/05/2020 21:03

I have a friend who confides in me about her abusive marriage, She talks to me quite openly and I advice her but she is still with her husband. He is emotionally abusive and controlling.

I have another friend who I am really close to and being hypocritical have told her some of the incidents to get advice as I don’t know what to do on my other friends behalf I’m quite worried about her.

The one I’ve asked for advice has rang the police and told them what I have told her. It has really pissed me off that she has done this, now I’m worried my friend won’t tell me anything again and it will cause a big mess. The friend can’t seem to understand why I’m so pissed off as she has said it’s the husband that’s in the wrong but I’m trying to protect my friend by letting her come to me and have a person to talk to so I know what’s going on, if I was ever terrified or worried she’d be hurt I’d tell her to ring the police myself. Aibu? Will the police pursue this without the abused friend doing so herself?
I will never tell this friend anything again, she was so blatant about the way she went about it.

OP posts:

BumbleBeee69 · 25/05/2020 23:21

OP you broke your original friends trust too... and you could have placed her in even greater danger..

MintyMabel · 25/05/2020 23:43

You shouldn’t have spread the gossip. You could have asked advice from any number of confidential places. Or even asked the friend as a hypothetical without mentioning names.

Your friend in trouble deserves better.

indemMUND · 25/05/2020 23:45

Until I read that it was your SIL who confided in you I would have said your friend acted on red flags you might not have dealt with. However, this is not a friend to friend kind of thing. If your connection is that close then you might have caused untold trouble here. If SIL only had you to confide in, who else can she trust now?
I would apologise very sincerely and admit how badly at fault you were. And hope she'd trust you not to make the same mistake again. It's out of your hands now, but however she decides to deal with this, try to look out for her.
Part of me thinks maybe you should have told your husband the extent of it, but as siblings go that's probably not a great idea.

SoupDragon · 25/05/2020 23:47

and being hypocritical have told her some of the incidents to get advice

Yes, you are a hypocrite.

And this: If only there was an anonymous forum where you could have asked for advice and not put your friend in danger by telling people she knows about her situation.....

Casmama · 25/05/2020 23:50

Your OP is entirely about you! Not for a second do you mention being worried about the risks that your SIL might face should the police show up unannounced because you gossiped about information she told you in confidence..
For your number one feeling to be irritation does not reflect on you well OP. Forget about your friend who seems to have a greater sense of responsibility than you whose one contribution to your SIL is to break her trust. Consider how you can actually help her and stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself.

MerlinMoo · 25/05/2020 23:56

Your friend did what you should have done. Support her to be strong and report him you will feel guilty if she gets really hurt (which she likely will, it just gets worse).

Ponoka7 · 25/05/2020 23:57

The only advice that you needed to give to your SIL was to end the marriage. You didn't need to retell this to anyone.

This won't get any better, she needs to get out. There will be nothing left of her self esteem.

MerlinMoo · 25/05/2020 23:58

Imagine what he will do when the police turn up to check shes ok. When that door closes after they've gone your friend will be in danger.

ClareBlue · 26/05/2020 00:14

I think the OP realised she made a mistake so pages and pages of telling her that and what the consequences could be is not going to achieve anything positive for anyone involved. I have no experience in this situation so offer no advice but could any further posts specify action that can be taken to help rectify the situation based on experience and knowledge. That will do more for the friend in the abusive relationship than having a go at the OP.

VortexofBloggery · 26/05/2020 00:22

I hope you're OK OP? A lot of stress for you while pregnant. You did your best, agree with checking out the Women's Aid links to see how to move forward supporting your sister in law. The abuser sounds intolerable, HE is causing all of this.

Ilovecats14 · 26/05/2020 00:26

Advice is to obviously offer her the support so that she can leave him. Remind her theres nothing to be ashamed of, it's all on him. Have you got a spare room she could stay in?

Lynda07 · 26/05/2020 00:44

Please learn to know the difference between 'advice' and 'advise'.

If someone confides in you, do not tell anyone else.

I hope the person concerned has since found someone confidential to talk to and receives professional, helpful advice.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 26/05/2020 03:06

It might make a huge family mess but if it was serious enough for your friend to report to the police then maybe she has done what needed to be done.

You were concerned enough to want to talk to a friend despite knowing full well you were breaking your sil's confidence. Obviously you are concerned about the situation.

I've had copious amounts of safeguarding training and am always amazed that similarly trained people still fail to pass on early concerns to the appropriate person despite knowing what needs to be done. They are also hoping things improve but they are almost always wrong and things get worse. Often I think they hope someone else will act and they don't have to get involved.

mortforya · 26/05/2020 05:54

Jeez op, for everyone's sake, get this sorted with friend B immediately. I am shocked that u havnt done this. For friend A safety she needs to get straight back onto police and tell them the situation is not safe for her if they get involved. Tell friend B that friend A has just rang u to say she has plan in place to leave him. Friend B needs to realise the dangerous situation she has put friend A in. You cannot plan to save this girl while she herself is not in on the plan
Tell her u were talking to a domestic abuse support group who said that they would never advicw calling the police without friend A involvement

CupoTeap · 26/05/2020 06:32

Let's hope the husband doesn't find out otherwise it may tip into violence (if it hasn't already). If he knows she is telling peoystuff like this she will be cut off from everyone

Bluntness100 · 26/05/2020 06:44

I don’t understand why you have told your friend but not your husband?

To be honest op it reads more like you’re worried people will find out you gossiped about it, rather than you’re worried about her.

Why aren’t you telling your husband the extent of it?

Qgardens · 26/05/2020 08:22

You say she is at breaking point. Is it likely she'll leave him sooner rather than later? Or is leaving him not on the table yet?

Heatherjayne1972 · 26/05/2020 08:31

I was that abused wife
Had someone else gossiped about me and the police been called it would have made the abuse so much worse
These men will use any excuse for another beating

And no Op I would not be friends with either of you again
Can’t believe you did that

Fluffybutter · 26/05/2020 08:37

You are in the wrong here , not your friend .
Your friend had made no such promise to the one in the abusive relationship, you did

Gwenisthename · 26/05/2020 08:40

What did you expect your friend to do with what you told her/him ?
Sit on it?
Why haven't you told your husband everything? Why are you scared of a family fall out?
The whole thing is raising red flags for me

onesmalldog · 26/05/2020 08:57

We can all learn our best lessons from our most stupidest mistakes.

This is one of your's. Learn from it.

dottiedodah · 26/05/2020 09:20

The fact that she is your SIL is obviously muddying the waters for you here . I think your friend who called the police, may have thought she was helping you as it would be difficult for you to do .Really you are in such a difficult position here.Many women take years to leave their Abusers .They will say things like "he didnt mean it" "It wont happen again " and so on .The fact is although she is having problems, it seems unfair to tell you rather than another friend who is not part of the family .

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