How long before I'm allowed to worry??

[butterflyroses]

Ds 15 went out to meet some friends at 2pm (I KNOW!)

He's not back and his phones dead. He's not usually out this long. He's not sleeping at the moment and he has no money on him to get food/drink.

How long can I leave it before I really worry??

Yes I know he shouldn't be out, I've had that argument plenty of times with him.

Can I just say, OP, that I actually think your son did really well. Obv there was a miscommunication and you didn't know or didn't hear or he thought he told you and he hadn't. But, assuming he did say he would be home by 9 - when it's not yet dark - and he was home by 9, that is pretty good going. I know it doesn't negate your worry, and I'm sure you've set the ground rules for next time, but he set himself a reasonable deadline and he stuck to it. That is actually very responsible. So I hope you were able to acknowledge that as well as setting him straight. Maybe next time he can take a lightning lead or a mini charger or something, or he can borrow a mate's phone to text you half way through that he's ok. And maybe he can take a couple of quid to buy chips and a drink or something. Really pleased he's safe and hope he understands why mums worry, but fair play to him for being responsible with his own curfew. Hope you can get his sleep issues sorted. I have a DD 15 who also struggles with sleep and it is a worry for sure. I just wanted to say I thought he did ok considering what he could have been up to and how he could have come home very late or whatever.

Thanks for the messages and ideas.

I am impressed with him sticking to his own curfew, if I'd known about it it would have been better. I was mostly worried yesterday as he had 2 hours sleep and was out in the heat with no money for a drink. I thought he'd be back at his normal time for dinner. His phone being dead made me panic, and he knows I do and why I do.

Today he went out again phone was fully charged and I gave him some money. He was back by 7.

Oh and I know who he was with, I don't have their numbers or their parents ones but could find them on social media if I needed to.

Eh, @123Pandora?

Let’s hope all these wandersome teenagers are practising social distancing and hand hygiene. And before everyone cites teenage angst and mental health needs as a reason to let them do as they please, let’s see how their mental health fares if cases of coronavirus rise resulting in the road back to some kind of normality being even longer.
I despair .

Really glad it worked out ok @butterflyroses. For sure I would have been worried too. Not the best circumstances for him to be out for so long and out of touch. Really glad it went better today. He sounds like a good kid with a fab mum.

Teenagers are fun aren’t they... I think I’ve aged 15 years in the last 12 months! Seriously!
I do mane sure I know all her friends though... I even had to join Instagram!!!

Teenagers are fun aren’t they... oh yes .. so ,so , fun ...

What in God's name has the fact that he's 15 and not 5 got to do with you not knowing any of his friends parents that is pure idiocy. Until he is 16 years or over legally he is still a child and therefore needs to be looked after like one. So for those saying oh for God's sake he's 15 not 5 check yourselves, quickly, because the age is irrelevant when it comes to the situation that occurred and the worry that follows and regardless of their age these details being had to hand would have stopped the worry almost immediately.

I'm genuinely horrified at that response from some of you who are clearly parents.

Parenting is just like medicine and prevention is better than cure

Parenting is just like medicine and prevention is better than cure

I can't make sense of this analogy, sorry. Prevention of what is better than cure of what? How is parenting like medicine?

It's quite simple really if you have all the numbers and details of parents of your friends children can you prevent things from happening in the worst case scenario or at least attempt to. We are not in the 80s anymore more and much as We Know kids went missing back then or bad things happen to them when they are out aloud it was much less likely and there was a bigger network of parent who are able within a phone call to track and trace where the kids were. As I said at the beginning I wasn't trying to be overly harsh but I just cannot fathom as a responsible parents myself how a child of any age can go out out and not have his parents know where they are. But maybe that's just me but then my son is now 18 and before he goes out I still ensure that not only does he have his phone fully charged but he takes a battery pack in case it does run out he has money to get a taxi home if he needs it he has a debit card that's linked to my bank account in case he gets into trouble and needs to get home in a hurry. And I know so the contact details for at least 10 of the people that he hangs around with the at themselves or the parents of them that is what got me unable to fathom what was going on here.
And obviously the initial post didn't read so much as I know how to get hold of my child as I've just said in the last post it was more like I have no way of contacting my child how do I know when to start worrying about them. But now it's clear that you did have a way of finding out where he was was if we have known that in the first place my answer may be a bit different but I'm glad he's home safe.

It's quite simple really if you have all the numbers and details of parents of your friends children can you prevent things from happening

How though? Say young Harry gets mugged and stabbed on his way home, or gets abducted, or gets high and drunk and then finds himself in danger. How does Billy's mum knowing Tom and Dick's mum's numbers prevent that?

*Harry's mum, sorry. Originally named Harry Billy but then changed my mind.

@ManagerMan Is your son intending to go to university?

I've let go of the reins gradually as my DS have approached 18 so that they know how to stand on their own two feet when they go to Uni but also to minimise the worrying.
Uni is tough - you suddenly don't have a clue where they are or what time they might be 'home'. It's best to be at a point where you can trust them to look after themselves by the time they get to 18.

You have to ensure your 18yo has a phone, a battery pack and a debit card with him every time he goes out Managerman? What happened to prevention being better than cure?!! Surely at 18 he's an adult, and therefore needs to make use of the years of gradual preparation for independent living that his parents have instilled in him as their primary parenting task? You are either going to have to let go of the reins very quickly and painfully, or if he has any sense he'll chop them off himself quick smart when he goes to university. Or else you'll end up with a 40yo who still needs to ring mummy to solve his every problem.

"it was much less likely and there was a bigger network of parent who are able within a phone call to track and trace where the kids were."

How old are you? Because this is very much not my recollection of being a child/teenager in the 1980s!! Once we were out for the day, no bugger had a clue where we were or how to find us until we returned for the next meal. Phones m, bizarre to recall, were tethered to the hallway wall, so of extremely limited use in locating anyone!

Goodness @Managerman , at what age do you think you will no longer require the names and addresses of your adult ds's friends parents before you allow him to go out?

I'll never forget the fear when ds1 (aged 16) went out with friends one summer evening and turned off his phone. I lay awake waiting for him to come home and by 4am I was planning to ring the police. Luckily dh suggested we check his room and there he was sound asleep as he had been for hours. Somehow I'd not heard him come in. The fear felt exactly the same as the time when ds2 (aged 4) got lost on a walk in the woods and someone told me they'd seen him walking with a stranger.

Age doesn't stop it being any more or less terrifying or teenagers being any more sensible than when they were little.

Well clearly the reason that more men don't use this forum has just been pointed out.

My son is off to university yes in fact he's going into it heads of where other children his age are probably because they prepared them exceptionally well for life.

Insuring that my son has the means to look after himself in Any Given situation is part and parcel of being a parent and will be in Till I Die.

As I stated previously I wasn't being intentionally harsh I just couldn't understand why parents would not know where their kids were going in this day and age.

But thanks for all the trolling and aggression that's come through your posts I can now see exactly why none of your children have any of that preparation behind them.

Blimey, trolling and aggression, really? Where? Oh yes, I guess someone upthread did call the OPs actions pure idiocy. Pretty mild by MN standards though.

I think Managerman thought it was trolling and aggression because some wimin disagreed with him.

I mean he is a Manager man so he must be right.

D'oh, of course Haffdonga, silly me. Men don't come on here because a woman might disagree with them. Can't be having that.

@backmadeofglass you are totally right.

After seeing this thread I now know why our local parks and commons are overrun with large groups of teenagers. Apparently most parents of 14/15 are unable to actually parent at all and ensure their children are sticking to the rules at the moment. I am not surprised unfortunately.

I am really proud of how my 14 yo and my friends teens have behaved during this lockdown. They quite often push the boundaries of going out/amount of independence in normal times but they are taking this seriously and actually give a shit about their health and the health of their (potentially vulnerable) family.

Although I must saying wouldnt expect to know all the kids/or parents names or numbers in normal circumstances but if DS was out at the moment it would be with just 1 friend who I knew well and knew would stick to the distancing etc.

While I’m glad he is home and safe... why the hell is he out and meeting multiple friends regularly - the fact you don’t know who is bad, but the fact you are encouraging this during what is going on is madness

@PunishmentSnart oh please .. and it’s up to 6 people now so what difference does it really make .