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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

982 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 24/05/2020 01:53

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

OP posts:

WindsorBlues · 20/06/2020 19:02

I've been following this thread for while, I just wanted to let you know OP you're making the right decision, it's hard for anyone to pull themselves out of a bad situation and you're doing so well. I wish you health and happiness in your new home.

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 20/06/2020 19:02

Thank you Windsor blues thank you xx

OP posts:

pointythings · 20/06/2020 19:04

He's what's known as 'dry drunk' - all the problems are still there, he just isn't using (temporarily). I'm not surprised the cracks are showing.

Just hang in there, your new life is waiting.

Happynow001 · 20/06/2020 19:04

Hang on in there @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme. You have already come such a long way, emotionally, from the person who made the first post. You also managed to tell people and get help IRL - well done. You are no longer carrying this burden in total secret and have good plans for the future. Take a deep breath (in fact several), stay as calm as you can and tick off each day and each task in your mind.

Just think, in a very short time you and your children will be in a new home and you can start planning afresh for a future with as little as possible to do with him. Who would have thought that after your first post? Hold your nerve, confide in your sister, check in with us on here. You can DO this! 🌹

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 20/06/2020 19:16

Thank you pointythings - will do xx
Happynow001- thank you x you are completely right . I have my sights set xx thank you xx

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 20/06/2020 19:20

I think you need to remember you have the right to leave your husband, whether he's an alcoholic. This episode is just the last straw, if he wants to get clean then that's up to him and he needs to that for him. You can push that narrative now, he's not staying sober for you, it should be for him!
If he can't be out of the house, then I'd take my children to my parents instead of school drop off, and then ask friends to come round and help you move. Take everything that's fair don't be thinking you can come back again.
If you can start 'sorting charity stuff' then bag stuff up (inc passports, copies of bills, salary slips, pensions) and take it to a friends.
Take a photo of meters on moving out day too

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 20/06/2020 19:28

That is very very practical advice thank you forrestgreen. Good tips , think that is a pragmatic approach and fair. Thank you xx

OP posts:

Holothane · 20/06/2020 19:32

Hang in three I remember counting down the days till I left my ex he had no idea either, I moved from London back to the Midlands my sister found me my home. Just think as each night passes it’s one day nearer to your new life.

Original poster

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 20/06/2020 19:36

Gosh holothane- that must have been a huge step - geographic ly and emotionally! May I ask how you felt in that countdown ? Did you have wobbles even then ? X

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 20/06/2020 19:45

I agree with not sending DC to school that day, but having someone watch them for you.

When my BFF left, we got my DH to get her STBX away for overnight (for their hobby) so we could move her out with him gone. Is there someone who could ask your DH to go somewhere/do something that would 'get him gone' for 5-6 hours or hopefully longer.

One thing BFF did was to mentally 'stage' the things she wanted to take. She made mental notes of what she wanted and where those things were in the house and the order and priority in which to get them out of the house in the quickest way. There was also lots of dumping of (unbreakable) things into bin bags rather than packing them in boxes, and taking full drawers out of chests for transport rather than emptying/packing the contents. It was a bit of a mess to get her all unpacked, but it really sped up the process of getting her out.

Make lists, but keep them at work or otherwise locked/hidden away. And if possible, do get important papers out of the house now. Or at the very least, take pictures of them.

ChasingRainbows19 · 20/06/2020 20:02

I saw the OP in May but have just caught up. Wow @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme you are amazing. You can do this. The advice on this thread has been so good and you've really listened to others' experience as well as people in real life being on board. This all shows you how right this is and how much support in real life you will have!
Wishing you all the luck. Please update once you have moved and are safe.

Ineedcoffee2345 · 20/06/2020 20:11

Good luck op my dh is a recovering addict. I can truly say unless your dh wants to get sober noone can help keep him 'motivated' it is not your job to keep him sober and very unfair to ask that of you.
Dh went to rehab (coke addiction) he wasnt of the typical addict type. Didnt use every day mabey 4/7 days a week. He owns a very successful company (thankfully still does) , noone knew of his troubles until he entered rehab. I stood by him as at the time we didnt have any children and i knew he wanted to get clean. He is sobrr living years now and still attends NA meetings.

What im saying is addiction is a very complicated road and recovery is a long and painful journey. Your dh saying he doesn't have an addiction and is 'dependant' is just his way of not dealing with the issue.

You look after yourself and your children, you cannot stay there. Or basically you will be enabling him. I wish you all the best

mathanxiety · 20/06/2020 20:14

Don't forget things that are important to the children including bikes, outdoor toys. You are probably going to have to kiss a big ticket item that is anchored in the ground (like a swing set) goodbye, but a trampoline could possibly be moved if you had help, and certainly any Little Tikes stuff too.

Holothane · 20/06/2020 20:14

No wobbles but I missed London for months, I still go down there for Moorfields I love it, my best friends still live there, we’re meeting up next year, for a pizza at Victoria station, it’s a landmark we can all get too easily.

Holothane · 20/06/2020 20:17

I also felt as if it wasn’t happening I only believed it when I finally left. My sister, bil nephew and other cousin helped with the moving, I took my clothes books dvds the big tv it was my debt, one of the fridge freezers.

LakieLady · 20/06/2020 20:25

Could you keep the children off for the day? Pretend you’re taking them to school but actually get friends / family to look after them?

This, absolutely. Much better to keep them off than to risk a scene at the school.

nonevernotever · 20/06/2020 20:37

I am so glad to hear you have got a house. I'm another one that has been reading since the beginning. We are all rooting for you

LakieLady · 20/06/2020 21:14

You are handling this amazingly, OP. You've done the hardest bit and found somewhere for you and the children to live. In three weeks, you'll all be settling in to your new home.

It might be an idea to order some household essentials, pots, pans, plates etc, and you'll need bed linen and towels etc unless you can take what you need with you. Sainsburys do a set of 4 place settings of china for £30 and a set of cutlery for 4 people for £5. You don't want to find yourself in your new home without the means of having a cuppa. (They should do a family version of those student starter sets for people leaving relationships)

You have the time to plan so that everything goes as smoothly as possible. You've achieved an amazing amount in a short time, I'm sure you'll have this cracked. Just don't forget important documents - birth certs, passports, stuff to do with your car etc.

I'm in awe of how you're handling this. You've done the hardest part (deciding to go and finding somewhere to go to), I'm sure this bit will go super smoothly for you. All you have to do now is hold your nerve and keep it together!

Apileofballyhoo · 20/06/2020 22:46

I've read your whole thread, and you're amazing. You're doing exactly the right thing.

lesleyw1953 · 20/06/2020 23:20

Euclid · 20/06/2020 23:32

Well done OP. You are an amazing person.

Lowhangingfruit · 21/06/2020 00:06

I would leave a email, or a written text or alert to a trusted person if things go wrong to contact the police after a certain time threshold. You are doing so well. Stay safe x

Sicario · 21/06/2020 09:12

I too had the "last straw" scenario with an alcoholic husband who got done for drink driving. I couldn't take it any more.

Of course once we were separated I was blamed for his alcoholism. Everything was my fault, because if I had been a better wife..... (as nauseam).

SkiddySkidz · 21/06/2020 09:29

I got out 11 years ago. Had a similar issue with you in that I had planned it and he didn't know. I basically spent a lot of time beforehand sorting things out, with lockdown it's a fair excuse to have a clear out, and I siphoned a few things he wouldn't notice (e.g. my personal sentimental items) to my friends house. I was amazed how little attention he paid to things disappewring around him. Even things like DVDs which we were big on back in the day I sorted into order so that o could just grab mine off the shelf. The night before I quickly packed all my clothes from my drawers into a suitcase.

On the day my friends came to help and we turned up after work and I told him I was leaving. As he hadn't realised, I think he was a just shocked and embarrassed and made a joke out of it. Even helped bring a couple of things to my friends car. He obviously thought it was temporary and I was staying at one of their houses, because he wouldn't have guessed I had been planning it for so long. Perhaps you DH will think initially you just need some space too? I really hope it goes okay for you.

Getting the house and everything organised ahead of it all made the transition so much easier for me. Once he realised he was furious, but by that point he couldn't do much about it. I have never looked back. Lived in my new rented flat for a couple of years and then met someone and moved in with them. We rented for 4 years before we bought our first (tiny) house together. Tice years later and we now have a dream home and two little children. Life can turn itself around dramatically once you take some brave steps like you are about to. I know how hard it will feel at times and you might question if you are doing the right thing, I did too. But then I realised I felt guilt and responsibility to my abusive ex that he didnt deserve. I had to accept that his poor life decisions were nothing I could control. I hope you get out and turn over a new leaf and lead a happy life with your children. Lots of love and hope sent your way xx

SkiddySkidz · 21/06/2020 09:30

I meant five years not tice 😂

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