Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! Anyone ! The local police just called me

982 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 24/05/2020 01:53

Exactly that - my DH went out when I was washing up and have not heard from him since . That was about 830-9. Eight minutes ago a woman rang me and said that he was at the local police station , they couldn't say why and that he was fine. That he would call me in the morning . I can't speak to him he is asleep and no one is hurt and he is ok but they could not ring earlier as they have been busy . What does this even mean ??? Why would they call to say that ? Am panicked and thinking up alsorts and unlikely to sleep now . Can anyone help me ? Please xx

OP posts:
tracyon · 19/06/2020 20:50

Well next year the anniversary of freedom!!

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 19/06/2020 21:08

Good point s ! Think I am a bit of a chicken is all . Smile

OP posts:
SionnachGlic · 19/06/2020 21:45

Go when you get the keys...if that's the 8th then so be it. Why pretend for a day longer than you need to. Is he back at work yet OP, will you have time to yourself to pack up & leave without him there?

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 19/06/2020 21:51

No he is not at work - still furloughed for childcare reasons ATM . My boss has given me the day off on the 9th as she was of the same opinion as you all to not to stay a moment longer. I at the moment do not have a clue how I will get him out for a bit. I was originally planning that he would not be driving by then but now his court date has been pushed to 29th July I worry that if I go he will try to get to the school first to get the children at 3pm and there will be a huge scene . Ideally I need to get him out for the day. Still trying to work that out how Blush it's the missing piece of the puzzle Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/06/2020 22:00

Pick the children up from school during the morning before you tell him, is there anyone that could look after them for you?

AristotleAteMyHamster · 19/06/2020 22:11

Could you keep the children off for the day? Pretend you’re taking them to school but actually get friends / family to look after them?

pointythings · 19/06/2020 22:16

Definitely go on the 9th. I hope you make it work with the kids - you deserve your freedom.

SionnachGlic · 19/06/2020 22:21

There is still a bit of time yet...he might be back to work in the meantime? I am not UK based so not sure when going back to work should kick in there. Are you full-time weekdays...is that why he is off...to mind the kids? If you don't work everyday, could you suggest that perhaps he goes back part-time on the days that you are off as not necessary to mind on those days. Surely his employer would have him back a few days a wk rather than zero days? Then you could roster days off 7th & 8th & get what you need to do done...

I can't think of another plan except get someone to get him out for the day...but that would mean involving someone else that is close to him & seems duplicitous ....plus you'd have to explain & then trust that person not to tell him. It is a dilemma alright...but if it comes to it OP, drop kids to school, have someone on stand-by to collect them later if needed. Get a friend to return to the house with you & be there when you tell him what is happening, take your things, tell him you'll be in touch about arranging for him to see his kids...& go. It'll be like the weight of world is lifted from you when is is done. Keep strong...

FizzyGreenWater · 19/06/2020 22:41

Yes just keep the children off.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 19/06/2020 23:37

Thanks for the suggestions everyone , I appreciate your input. sionnachGlic you are exactly right - I work 40 hrs in 4 days in the week so he is off for childcare. It might work him going back but his work have confirmed the furlough is til 1st August as it stands . I would not want to make someone duplicitous in getting him out . It's tricky ! Will have a think and keep you posted / ask for more wisdom and insight as I am unsure how to proceed for the best. Will sleep on it Flowers

OP posts:
Jux · 20/06/2020 01:40

Can you move stuff gradually leading up to 9th? A file of financial info goes to a friend/your mum, on Monday, which you can drop off at some point in the school run; then spare pyjamas for you and children to your mum on the Wednesday..... and so on. You can move small amounts of stuff which he wouldn't notice were gone and if you do it frequently then you'll have quite a lot ready to move on 9th.

You can also tell the school what your plans are so they are ready to support you when the time comes. Make sure they know that neither ds nor you dh know what your plans are though.

TinyTimsCrutch · 20/06/2020 09:03

Just read the whole thread and you are doing amazing, don’t doubt yourself and alway trust your gut instinct. It looks like the pubs are due to reopen on the 4th July. Good luck and stay safe x

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 20/06/2020 13:01

Jux - good point esp about school . Think I should enlist their help . Thanks tinytim- it is on my radar about pubs opening very true xx Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 20/06/2020 13:11

Oh and I have been to actually see the property this morning now deposit has been paid , felt very mixed up but am very excitied also x feel a flutter and a glimpt of freedom xx

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 20/06/2020 14:50

I have been lurking on here not sure what to post but first and foremost please do move to your new home on the 9th ! May I ask why ,at that point, you care if he knows or not ? Obviously it would be easier to slip away unnoticed as it were but you sound perfectly strong enough to deal with any scenes. Also isn’t that just sort of moving the problem on as I imagine he will turn up at your work/ school/ new home when he realises and carry out whatever it is worrying you there ?

I was married to a drinker and when I look back at the things that I ignored, swept under the carpet or normalised ten years on I still literally shudder. I never asked him to stop because truth be told I didn’t want to support him through the process of becoming sober and spend my life being there for him.

However tempting it may be to buy into the new reformed him so that you can avoid the bumpy path facing you at the moment do not. I won’t go into all the wonderful things about not living with an alcoholic but they are many and various. I also think you sounded very strong, organised and positive please see this through and don’t be that person who can’t quite make the leap like I was. Luckily for me mine left us.

Hormonecrazyhell · 20/06/2020 14:59

This summer will your best one yet :)

TheSparklyPussycat · 20/06/2020 15:16

comingintomyown the last thing OP needs is a "scene*. It takes up time, It could be dangerous, in any event it's better that she avoids confrontation.

comingintomyown · 20/06/2020 17:24

Yes I see that sparklypussycat but if he isn’t going to amicably accept the decision then just because he comes home and finds them gone he isn’t going to just shrug and do nothing
Maybe OP feels it’s better to break it to him as a done deal , I don’t know that’s why I was asking.

mathanxiety · 20/06/2020 17:53

Once she has moved out she can get a non molestation order prohibiting him from harassing her at her new home, at work, or at the school gates. If he turns up even once and gets nasty she can call the police and proceed from there.

It will be necessary to be careful about school pick up. He is the DCs' parent and has parental rights so he could show up to collect them. @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme, you need to contact a solicitor ASAP to get advice on PR.

Can you bring the DCs to your mum on the 9th?
Can you keep them out of school after that? How long until school officially breaks up for the summer?

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 20/06/2020 18:13

14:59Hormonecrazyhell- thank you for your ray of sunshine in the craziness ❤️ comingintomyown, TheSparklyPussycat i see both your points x thank you xx mathanxiety- that is a really good point I had not thought about legal aspect , as was not thinking of divorce just yet just safely leaving is all . In an ideal world , it would be a peaceful break , and we can still cheer DS s on from sidelines at football and share the children like mature adults but I am afraid it's going to be a terrible shock for him and he is not going to take it well.
ATM everything is ' o am doing this job intervt for this amazing new job for our future' and look , I have gone 4 weeks without a drink - I am in control' and 'I am so motivated ' and today it was ' i am not saying I am never going to have a drink again , but I have a handle on it now '. And Liverpool are playing their first game tomorrow so we will see . As comingintomyown has said , it's living with a drinker. I am emotionally shutting myself off ready . I wish I could go tomorrow. Have told my sister today , her husband was DH best man and she is 100% behind me . I love her and my best mate so much - and MN of course - genuinely cannot do it without the support ! XxFlowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 20/06/2020 18:14

Mathanxiety- going to contact a solicitor I think x

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 20/06/2020 18:22

The issue to put to the sol is that while you're still married he has as much right to pick up the DCs from school as you do, and how can you prevent that happening when you know well he is going to fall off the wagon and endanger them by drink driving.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 20/06/2020 18:31

Ok - that s fair enough. I think the worry I have (so many !!)! Is that he does have rights of course with the children , and I don't want him to not see them , it's just I want them to be safe as you say . I don't know what effect this will have on him and his new teetotal lifestyle and that is the unknown variable. But thank you - that is a good place to start with the solicitor . Will email one now 👍

OP posts:
pointythings · 20/06/2020 18:35

It's concerning that already he is refusing to accept that he should not drink at all, ever again. I agree with getting legal advice, support from the school and getting a non mol if he kicks off once you have moved into your new place.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 20/06/2020 18:43

Hi pointythings ! X yes I think is will get advice on case I need to utilise a NM order but am hoping it won't come to that. 4 weeks in and o can see cracks beginning to show- short temperedness etc o wish I could go tomorrow 😥

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread