Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In-laws moving next door

533 replies

Lotsofluv · 23/05/2020 16:16

Just looking to see if anyone else would feel the same as I do about my in-laws moving to the house next door.
When the house came up for sale next to us my husbands parents showed interest, it needed renovation so I never thought them buying the house would happen (mother-in-law is very fussy).
Anyway, they did buy it and have builders in there doing the renovations while they still live in their current house. Once or twice a week they drive down (over an hours drive) to have a look at what’s been done. Am I being unreasonable to get pissed off about this? It’s just it disrupts my day as they expect us to go and say hello/make them a cup of tea, want to use our toilet etc. I know its not a massive deal but when I’m having a lazy day, no makeup, lounge wear on I just don’t want to entertain unannounced people. I’m really dreading them moving in, I’m dreading being out in the garden and them wanting a chat over the fence every time I’m out there.I like my own space and feel they are going to invade it. It’s making me want to split with my husband who I have a great relationship with, it’s making me resent him☹️..
Am I being unreasonable or would you feel the same?

OP posts:
artyandtarty · 23/05/2020 17:16

Oh god.

Why did you not have 'the talk' with your husband before they purchased it?!

You say they are getting on your tits already asking to use the loo & wanting cups of teaGrin Jeez ... wait till they move in.

YouokHun · 23/05/2020 17:17

You need a massive fence

@HollowTalk is right and when you’re considering what sort of fence to go for can I suggest you reference the Berlin Wall in terms of width, height, construction and a barbed wire topping? And there are probably some Grenztruppen der DDR who could be brought out of retirement to patrol its length on a 24/7 basis ....

poor you OP, To quote a much used MN phrase, you don’t have an IL problem, you have a DH problem. He should have thought about you and managed that one away IMO. How would he manage if his ILs had moved next door? It’s out of order to override your concerns or not even ask.

I actually think it’s insensitive of them too. I wouldn’t do that to a DiL/SiL of mine However well we got on. I think you need to start growing some thorny plants on the fence (if my Berlin Wall isn’t a possibility) and start getting pretty boundaried now. Tell them the day before it’s not convenient for them to pop in, don’t answer the door if it doesn’t suit, ask them to let you know when they plan to visit your house so they get used to you not just dropping everything and being there, say no a bit more.

If that doesn’t work you’ll have to burn both houses down. Wink

artyandtarty · 23/05/2020 17:17

P.S I love my in-laws too.

But I still wouldn't want this.

billy1966 · 23/05/2020 17:18

Get the leylandii planted is right.

5 minutes walk away is so different from next door.

If they are the sort to do something so disrespectful of you like this....I would really expect them to trample on any boundaries concerning your family life.

Every weekend.
Every holiday.

This truly is a complete horror story.

Your husband has to be in on it.

If you don't work OP, outside the home,...get a job, hobbies, sport, get the hell out.

I reckon your marriage is going to go through a really tough period.

Are they going to be at your husband to help them in the house.

Ye are so close, unlikely they will give you a minutes peace.

Thehollyandtheirony · 23/05/2020 17:18

Time to emigrate.

LouHotel · 23/05/2020 17:18

I’d get off mumsnet and get busy planting 10 big fuck off leylandi trees

beesbeesbee · 23/05/2020 17:19

I would move - I wouldn't want any family living next door, not even my own relatives rather than in laws. Home is a private place and the thought of my mother next door looking over the fence and criticising the garden or listening to our conversations would be horrendous.

What does your DH think?

worriedmama1980 · 23/05/2020 17:21

Time for a proper conversation with your husband, running through a long list of scenarios in advance. Like: will they come over for Sunday lunch every week? No? How many times a week? Call in for tea? Pick the kids up from school and then have a cuppa? Decide what you can both agree on, have a friendly chat about it now, in advance, then talk about what you'll do if in the first few weeks they start calling in more than that/pushing the boundaries you've agreed on.

Come at it from the point of view that you like them, want them to have a good relationship with you all, but are worried about avoiding resentment and the best way is to stop things getting weird.

We have relatives who we have had to negotiate how we engage with them. We have firmly agreed in advance that we will accept no hand-me-downs from their older kids, no childcare, etc etc because we both know things can be turned around on us. We will not rise to the bait if provoked, but we will be ready to make our excuses and leave if needed and will remain vigilant to whether the other looks like they need someone to step in. By having the conversation in advance, it means we both are ready with an 'oh thanks, we've actually already bought one of those' or something similar to whatever is suggested, even if its a suggestion we'd accept from someone else.

You want to avoid a situation where your MIL says something like 'oh while I was in the supermarket I thought I'd pick up a few bits for you, and maybe you can do the same so as to save hassle' and your husband looks at you like, oh maybe that's a good idea? And your choices are cause a scene or go along with it and have some kind of joint shopping list for ever more.

Think through all scenarios: childcare, visits, keys, etc. And start laying the groundwork now. Find ways to get him to drop hints about how you won't be seeing them all the time, if that's what he really thinks. But you need to keep him on side ,and you need to reinforce the idea that you are the family unit, not him, ideally while all is well and everyone is on good terms.

I could probably manage this with my in-laws, but not my parents. I think you need to seriously talk to your husband about what you'll do if you do constantly feel questioned and watched. Would he be prepared to move? And how bizarre is it that they're moving next door but you haven't all had a conversation about why. Its clearly to see you all more, and because they're expecting something - be it more company, more grandchild access, there's absolutely no way they're moving an hour away for their relationship with you to remain unchanged. And your husband knows this. So you need to agree with him now how much it is changing, and where the line is, while you're still in control of the situation.

DivGirl · 23/05/2020 17:22

Make sure you close the windows before engaging in any bedroom activities, that's assuming it isn't a semi (because if it is there's no avoiding it - they're going to hear).

Honestly I'd move. My closest family live about an hour away and that's close enough for me.

AfterSchoolWorry · 23/05/2020 17:24

Oh hell no.

I'd move.

YouokHun · 23/05/2020 17:24

What @worriedmama1980 says; better explained than my “boundaries, and quick” comment.

CoraPirbright · 23/05/2020 17:25

Apart from being judgemental, what are your PILs actually like? Mine are incredibly independent and even if they lived next door, I genuinely think that we wouldn’t see that much of them.

Having said that, I think it is incredibly insensitive and disrespectful of them to just move next door without consulting you.

But it is far, far, far too late now.

Fucktacula · 23/05/2020 17:26

Fuck that.

Bibijayne · 23/05/2020 17:27

Oh lord. I love my parents and would not be a fan of this. Nearby fine. Nextdoor... Nope.

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2020 17:27

Would they be willing to baby sit? Could that be a silver lining. Can you try to think of positives?

Because it seems it’s a done deal.

I’m not sure it’s fair resenting or shouting at your husband, it’s hardly his fault.

On the other side though, I’d fucking hate this, however I would just crack on and live as I do now from the get go.

OlivejuiceU2 · 23/05/2020 17:27

This is exactly the reason my parents split up. For me it was lovely having my grandparents next door but for my mum it was a living hell. My grandparents were absolutely lovely and had a good relationship with my mum but it didn’t stop it causing huge problems.
My grandparents would often think they were being helpful when in fact my Mum just felt smothered. It’s a shame as my parents had a good relationship and I doubt they would have spilt if it wasn’t for this.

CoraPirbright · 23/05/2020 17:27

Also, and I don’t want to scare you, but how old are they? Do you work full time? Cos you know who’s going to be wiping their bottoms and hauling them out of the bath when/if they become infirm right? And it ain’t going to be your dh.......

ShinyRuby · 23/05/2020 17:29

My in laws moved in over the road JUST far enough down the street to not be able to see our every move but I wish they were a bit further away. Next door is just SO close.
Set boundaries, it's your house & garden & you'll do what you like. Get a few "jokey" (but deadly serious) comments ready.
My MIL made it her mission to take over the street at first but her Hyacinth Bouquet ways didn't impress the neighbours all that much, & she calmed down after a while.
My FIL desperately needed to move to a bungalow as his health was failing, they'd rejected it at first & I thought we were safe but it wasn't to be!
My dh actually dreaded it more than I did, he knows what a busy body she can be!
First few years it really wasn't too bad as they were out & about & busy.
FIL is virtually housebound now so it can be hard to keep boundaries & not fall into a constant carers role.
The one saving grace was that her own saintly, perfect daughter lives 5 minutes away & they'd MUCH rather spend time with her...phew.
Good luck.

billy1966 · 23/05/2020 17:29

Your husband telling you it will be fine, is so dismissive of you and disrespectful.

None of them have much respect for you OP.

Your husband sounds like a dim, obtuse twat.

You better be prepared, because it reads like they are going to ride roughshod all over you.

What a genuine horror story.

edgeware · 23/05/2020 17:31

My grandparents lived next door to us growing up. We even took out the fence so we had one big garden. My dad, who was never my grandmothers number one fan, even said it was never an issue at all.

sailingmummy · 23/05/2020 17:31

Ah! I'm divorced, but if my parents in law had moved in next door I would never have been able to cope with it!

I now live 3 doors away from my parents - it was never really planned, but after divorce, the right house at the right price came up. It is 50/50 good and bad! 50% good as they really help me out with childcare and my Dad loves coming to sort out DIY for me - however 50% bad as I don't feel like I don't have much privacy.

I can always tell when my Mum is out/ busy as Dad comes round to harass me and although I'm not interested in dating at the moment, there have been some VERY awkward moments when my Dad has popped round and I have company ;)

You are not being unreasonable to not want them next door - my own parents three doors away drives me crazy sometimes!

sailingmummy · 23/05/2020 17:33

Just to add to my previous post - when my Dad comes round too often, I just ask mum to 'sort him out and tell him to give me space'. She gets how I feel more than he does!

LockedInMadness · 23/05/2020 17:34

If you don’t have children, your husband doesn’t see the issue with this, my advice would be to leave him

Bit extreme when she can just get on Rightmove.

Timekeeper1 · 23/05/2020 17:34

Haven't Read The Full Thread yet but another yet another one. Here is a similar thread about ILs living next door. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3915847-AIBU-MIL It never ends well. I am surprised at their presumptuousness, that they never thought to ask you/your husband.

I'm being serious here: I would move, or divorce. Sorry, but I think those are the only two options. Now going to RTFT.

twilightermummy · 23/05/2020 17:34

I've not read all the comments yet (cant wait!) but my initial thought is, how has it got to this stage?!
I'd have hired someone to pretend to be squatting in there to put them off. I'd have done anything to prevent this happening! What a nightmare!

Swipe left for the next trending thread