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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws moving next door

533 replies

Lotsofluv · 23/05/2020 16:16

Just looking to see if anyone else would feel the same as I do about my in-laws moving to the house next door.
When the house came up for sale next to us my husbands parents showed interest, it needed renovation so I never thought them buying the house would happen (mother-in-law is very fussy).
Anyway, they did buy it and have builders in there doing the renovations while they still live in their current house. Once or twice a week they drive down (over an hours drive) to have a look at what’s been done. Am I being unreasonable to get pissed off about this? It’s just it disrupts my day as they expect us to go and say hello/make them a cup of tea, want to use our toilet etc. I know its not a massive deal but when I’m having a lazy day, no makeup, lounge wear on I just don’t want to entertain unannounced people. I’m really dreading them moving in, I’m dreading being out in the garden and them wanting a chat over the fence every time I’m out there.I like my own space and feel they are going to invade it. It’s making me want to split with my husband who I have a great relationship with, it’s making me resent him☹️..
Am I being unreasonable or would you feel the same?

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 23/05/2020 16:46

I would DIE. I’m very fond of my in-laws but they’re so needy and having them that close would either end my life or my marriage or both. I could not cope with that suffocating proximity. Crikey. You poor woman.

C152H · 23/05/2020 16:47

Nope! Run for the hills!

Zaphodsotherhead · 23/05/2020 16:47

Dear Lord I would hate it if any of my grown up children moved in next door!

If you don't want to split up, maybe put up some higher fences and see how you go? Your DH may be right and they won't be around too much. If they are - well, that's the time to consider your next step.

LolaSmiles · 23/05/2020 16:48

What's the relationship like between you all?
We live close to in laws and I know friends who have in laws in the same street. It's been fine for most people when everyone has an understanding on boundaries. eg no popping in unannounced.

Where it was a huge problem it led to divorce because the wife and her parents were far too involved in daily life, unannounced visits both ways became the norm and the husband found it suffocating.

Original poster
Lotsofluv · 23/05/2020 16:48

Subordinateclause

I feel like I'm being horrible too, they have been very generous to us over the years, but also feel the same as you, they will know when all my comings and goings how many times I have friends round etc😩.

OP posts:
Normalmumandwife · 23/05/2020 16:50

I think you need a mature discussion between the four of you and agree some principals in a pleasant and positive way as they have bought it now.

GigiLamour · 23/05/2020 16:50

Holy shit, I love my MIL (very lucky to have such a fab MIL), but there's no way I would want to live next door to her. In fact when we moved house to the same town as her, both DH and I had a rule that we only looked at houses that were at least a mile away from her house.

There's being fond of somebody, and there's wanting to live right on top of them... two different things. Most relationships need a bit of distance sometimes.

Fosler · 23/05/2020 16:52

YANBU. Can you get some shrubs so they can't see into the garden?

Good luck.

FLOrenze · 23/05/2020 16:52

I would have to buy a very tall fence. I can’t stand anyone talking to me while I am in the garden., I think they are very I sensitive not to have discussed it with you.

Marnie76 · 23/05/2020 16:52

Well I guess you have three options. 1. Stay and see if things are as bad as you think they will be 2. Put your house on the market 3. Split with your husband

I would be livid about this and it would affect my mental health and my marriage as I know my MIL would be a nightmare and I would never feel comfortable in my own space. You need to tell your DH exactly how it is. What a nightmare.

sandragreen · 23/05/2020 16:52

Mate!!!

You have to move!!! Smile

inlectorecumbit · 23/05/2020 16:52

Time to move OP
This happened to my Dsis- her in-laws moved acrss the road and were forever popping especially if they had visitos and would forget to go home.
Her H was fine with it- she was not.
They are now divorced

LouLouLoo · 23/05/2020 16:53

I wouldn't like it but you sound as though you care what they think?

I would just carry on as you are. If they see you drinking wine in the garden so what? If they know how many times you have friends round so what?

You live your life how you want, if they start commenting in on it only then does it become an issue to deal with.

2toe · 23/05/2020 16:54

I wouldn’t be able to relax, I’d be on edge just waiting for them to turn up at the door, seriously talk with DH about how you feel. You need to agree firm boundaries and he needs to be fully onboard, you need to agree if it’s not working you’re moving. I think you need to be aware the chances are you will end up being “the bad one” here with DH and in-laws saying you are being unreasonable.

NotKeenOnSwede · 23/05/2020 16:55

This would make me so angry I think my head would actually explode

TinySleepThief · 23/05/2020 16:56

Honestly anyone who thinks you are being unreasonable is just saying so to be 'alternative'. The fact they didn't even consider it might be an issue and that your stupid husband thinks you'll never see them just sets off every alarm bell!!!

cstaff · 23/05/2020 16:57

I love my family but the idea of any of them living nearby nevermind next just sends a chill down my spine. I enjoy my privacy and this will put an end to that. Time to start looking at moving OP.

Alsohuman · 23/05/2020 16:57

What LooLooLou said. Just carry on as usual. I do take issue with you over this, though I’m sure they are of the attitude that I have no right to tell them where they can or cannot live. Of course you have no right to tell them where they can live.

Ladycoo1 · 23/05/2020 16:59

I could not cope with that. Make sure you set your boundaries clearly from the out set! Tbh I don't think I would like anyone I know to live next door too me. I love my own space!

StSaulOfSnacks · 23/05/2020 17:01

Bastards.

RandomMess · 23/05/2020 17:01

I would be putting some trellis up to heighten the fences before they move in and get growing some climbers...

I wouldn't be concerned about having a show home, if you got looks or comments about it I would pull them up on it from day 1, I would be nice/jokey with phrases like

"Well you know where the door is if you don't like it"

"Our house, our way, our rules"

And so on. Nip stuff in the bud and it will hopefully be ok.

silverstrawberry · 23/05/2020 17:02

It's very different living within close proximity I tried this with my parents and I would say everybody hates Raymond does come to mind exactly !my mum popped around usually 10am didn't feel the need to knock or call us first then if she suddenly remembered something why call?when she could just pop around ...was a nightmare.She would even cook and carry it round which made me feel like we were having meals on wheels god knows neighbours must of thought I couldn't cook I know she was just trying to help but jeez those days were hard at least try and live 15 mins away give you time to get dressed and stuff lol

Windyatthebeach · 23/05/2020 17:02

Electric gates at the very very least...

1forsorrow · 23/05/2020 17:03

It is difficult, we are looking at moving and like a house near DD and DSIL, not nextdoor but probably between 5 and 10 minutes walk. We worried about it being too close and talked to them, I'm still not sure although they said it's fine. The thing is would they feel comfortable to say, "God no, you need to be at least half an hour away."

We still haven't decided what to do.

Laiste · 23/05/2020 17:03

God this is making me feel panic stricken just reading about it!

I have no advice other than Move. Flowers

Mind you suddenly moving will be awkward as well!

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