In-laws moving next door

[Lotsofluv]

Just looking to see if anyone else would feel the same as I do about my in-laws moving to the house next door.
When the house came up for sale next to us my husbands parents showed interest, it needed renovation so I never thought them buying the house would happen (mother-in-law is very fussy).
Anyway, they did buy it and have builders in there doing the renovations while they still live in their current house. Once or twice a week they drive down (over an hours drive) to have a look at what’s been done. Am I being unreasonable to get pissed off about this? It’s just it disrupts my day as they expect us to go and say hello/make them a cup of tea, want to use our toilet etc. I know its not a massive deal but when I’m having a lazy day, no makeup, lounge wear on I just don’t want to entertain unannounced people. I’m really dreading them moving in, I’m dreading being out in the garden and them wanting a chat over the fence every time I’m out there.I like my own space and feel they are going to invade it. It’s making me want to split with my husband who I have a great relationship with, it’s making me resent him☹️..
Am I being unreasonable or would you feel the same?

Dear god this is terrible. As PPs have said, be prepared for your every moment to be scrutinised. Be prepared for 'oh can you just pop over and...whatever it may be. Why on earth do they want to live so close to you? I'm afraid you may find yourself lined up as carer in the future. It won't happen over night, but if you're around more than your husband it will be you they will be expecting to be there for them.
My exMIL lived a couple of minutes away and used to observe my every move when ex was working away, then call him and tell him if she thought I was enjoying myself too much. One of the reasons for ex haha!
Your PIL may be the nicest people in the world but I think families work best when people don't live on top of each other. There has to be clear, respected boundaries for this to work, and it doesn't sound as though your husband sees it as a potential problem at all. Which makes me wonder if he's not going to be around them (due to work) as much as you will be.
You have a perfect right to undisturbed enjoyment of your garden, that's why you bought your lovely home, am I right? I don't know what the answer is but your husband should have dissuaded them from doing this in the first place.

I lived next to my ILs for the first nine years of marriage and the fact we now live in another country tells you everything you need to know about how I found the experience! I can't bear to watch Everyone Loves Raymond as it reminds me too much of those days.

As this is your dream home you need to talk to your Dh and tell him it doesn't matter that it is fine with him it isn't fine with you. In order to keep your sanity and marriage you need to agree ground rules with your Dh now so you can go in on a united front.

My Mum and PIL for that matter have always lived at least an hour away from me, but very close to my sister's house. My sister and Mum probably saw each other every day, but mostly for a few minutes as my Mum looked after my sister's children. Handover was usually short and sweet, they would sometimes have a coffee.

But every visit was expected and arranged. That is the key to this, boundaries and expectations. In a way I think it would be hell to live next door to them but it is done now. So work out what is acceptable to you and go with that.

Do your children like them? Maybe they could have dinner with the PIL once a week and you and Dh get a meal alone. Also if you visit them you can decide what time you leave, as opposed to them being at yours.

@1forsorrow MIL lives 15 minutes walk from us (bought our old house of us actually). It's fine because she has her own life and checks before coming over.

I would have loved my Mum and Dad next door. Would have been so much less pressured . I would be happy to live next to my MIl for the same reason. Helping elderly relatives is a huge stress when they are some distance away. Also in my experience of friends who live v close to grandparents, it is a more relaxed relationship, and really great for children who just pop in and out.
Do you think you might get used to each other and actually get on better ? It is less intense popping in for a quick cup of tea, than driving for ages and having to spend a whole afternoon with in laws.
It is really tricky as it is a done deal now, so not much you can do , apart from make your boundaries clear from the start.

It is even worse that they don't see a problem with people popping in. Says it all about their expectation. I would be moving or divorcing. My MIL is lovely but I couldn't cope with this, same with my own mum.

@WatchingFromTheWings that sounds worse than living nextdoor!

Woah just a sec they are going to be your neighbors, that's all. They are not moving in with you. I think you are over thinking this. If u feel that they can see you in the garden put a bigger fence up now before they move in. They may be quite happy to just visit when asked. Probably looking forward to Living next door to family and having the security of knowing they there.

Show this survey to your husband and put him under notice of moving home.. I'm with UrbanHarridan....its an infringement of your personal space....

I'm just imagining my DHs reaction if my Mum moved in next door.

@Lotsofluv I think them being 5-10 minutes walk away would be fine, I wouldn’t have a problem with that, it’s right next door that’s bothering me. Thank you, it does worry me as I think it would be incredibly awkward for DSIL to say he wasn't comfortable as we get on so well. Mind you I did throw in a bribe, full English every Sunday.

Holy shit, I couldn't stand that with my own parents let alone in laws. I couldn't have let it get this far to be honest. I'm not sure there is anything you can do now... They already own it

YANBU but nor are they, as they obviously think they get on with you well and it's a great plan.

My parents announced they were moving round the corner from me a few years ago after never living closer than a hundred miles or so. I'm quite a private person so it was a big change in our relationship for all of us but works because we respect each other's privacy. My advice is you will have to set the ground rules from the beginning according to what you can and can't cope with.
For me to cope my guidelines were

1. Behave as you want them to behave to you. I didn't want unexpected visits and 'just popping round' so I made a point of always ringing before visiting them and now they do the same for us.

2. Offer the level of sociability that you are comfortable with. We invite them round for tea once a week. It keeps them feeling part of our lives without having to chase us for contact.

1. Set low standards. I realised I wasn't going to keep up my mum's standards of tidy house and perfect hostess, so I had to relax about them seeing our house in its usual state of mess and chaos. So our house is messy, so our teens stay in bed til midday, so now my mum knows I'm not a stepford wife? Good!
2. Don't be their social crutch. I drew a very clear line between my social life and my mum's. I didn't ask her to join my book group or my Pilates class or my friends' events or my trips to the garden centre even though she dropped a few hints at the beginning. I felt guilty but needed her to make her own life not dependent on me. Thank goodness she's built a brilliant circle of friends and we're both much happier as a result.

You'll need to get your dh to agree to whatever rules are going to work for you too. He wont see the problem but he'll have to back you up. Good luck.

Even if you get on well with your in-laws, chances are you’d never have a minute’s peace with them next door, popping in whenever they felt like it or checking up on your movements. Even if they didn’t do this, you’d still worry they were doing it and get no peace of mind. No more lazy days when you don’t have to tidy up or being able to slob about in your comfy clothes, you’ll feel you always have to be show house ready. I’d seriously start saying stuff like “Isn’t it funny that you’re just moving in to this area when we’re planning to move out” and mean it. Get on Rightmove ASAP and start house hunting!

LOL. Oh dear, I wouldn't like that situation at all.

I did say to my husband I didn’t think it was a good idea when it was first mentioned about the house but he just said it will be fine, they won’t bother us.

Sounds like your DH is an enabler and encouraged them to move next door. He is not taking your comfort and feelings seriously. Unfortunately if he is not on board with you, it doesn't bode well for your marriage. You are not saying you hate your ILs, just that you need your own space and life, and if they are judgemental, this is only the start of your problems. They're his parents, so he doesn't care, but you do. He should be taking your feelings into consideration, and I'd read him the riot act for doing nothing to discourage them (to be honest it sounds like he went behind your back to encourage them). He needs to understand it plainly, simply and clearly. If they move in, you will be moving. With, or without him. I would have put my foot down the very moment he dismissed me with 'it will be fine'. No way. No way in the world.

What’s wrong with giving them a cup of tea and letting them use the loo after an hour’s journey? It’s just plain curtesy.
Have they done something in the past to upset you?
If not, you really need to get a grip. Do you think they really care whether you are in casual kit without makeup?

If I were them, I think they should be worrying about moving next to you.

Oh OP...... this would make me have sleep less nights..... Im afraid there is NOTHING that can be done about this and you are going to have to “put your big girl knickers on” and lay the boundaries immediately. You wont be popular but you will need to fight to make sure your marriage and family is not affected. It REALLY annoys me when the OH just goes along with everything as well.

Just make sure they don't have a key ( and if they do get it back or change the locks!)

My husband thinks it will be fine

Of course he does! When they constantly come over it will be you that deals with them unless you put your foot down. Every time they come over call him to deal with them and when he whines that he is busy, you can say that he said it would not be problem.

O Lord........Maybe they are thinking ahead ? like when they become infirm...?
Start planting a nice high hedge.
I would have to have a "talk". & say that as much as you like them, It will not be a happy arrangement if they don't respect your privacy.....

I really love my in laws but this would kill me. No matter how good your relationship, this is crazy, what on Earth were they thinking?

I agree with others that have said get your boundaries sorted now (and communicate them).

I would also consider privacy measures for your garden, possibly an awning on the back of your house so you can sit out with some privacy should you choose to.

When they move in, enforce the boundaries from day 1, far easier than trying to do it afterwards. I would deliberately have a couple of busy weeks when they first move in to give them a very clear vision that your life is carrying on as normal and you won't be changing plans to accommodate them.

Make it clear to your husband that if the boundaries are overstepped then you will not be tolerating it.

Jesus wept! Even the title of this made me want to drive a car through a care home.

No, you are most definitely NBU.