That it’s women who are still locked down?

[Sadie789]

My DH goes back to work next week and rightly so, long overdue in my opinion.

However, I can’t go back to work as with two young DC we have no childcare and it’s not possible to do my job from home.

Under normal circumstances without childcare it wouldn’t really be an issue as there would be classes and clubs and play parks and soft plays and friends to meet up with, so a full weekly schedule out and about with things to do.

I can’t take them to the supermarket or round the shops either, no grandparents allowed etc.

As it stands none of these things are available nor are likely to be for a while, so for me my situation has not changed from the initial lockdown - stay at home, go out for exercise (weather permitting).

Meanwhile my DH and the Hs of my friends are all back at work out of the house living normal days. At the weekends the golf is back on so that’s a leisure option.

Many of my friends are also trying to work from home while looking after children, some also homeschooling older ones.

Women who don’t have children are also on the back foot as many of the professions which are traditionally female - hair and beauty, retail, hospitality - remain closed and will be for some time.

Meanwhile men are back in the workplace. When furlough ends it will be those who are able to present for work and give all their attention to their job who are preferred by employers. Recruitment will be skewed by this too. It’s the traditionally male industries that are able to return earlier- outdoor and manual work.

When it does return childcare is likely to be limited in hours and more expensive- Scotland has quietly dropped the 30 free hours from
August that were going to make it financially viable for me to work. Now it’s going to be a matter of me earning a couple of hundred pounds extra per month instead of nearly £1000 that was previously the case.

I am far from a feminist, but it feels like any equality women had gained is being seriously eroded by lockdown and the exit strategy that has deftly avoided any conversation around how women, especially with younger children, are getting the raw deal.

Op, I haven't read through all the replies, so this may have already been asked and discussed but why are you at pains to describe yourself as far from a feminist?

Yep. I’m locked down till September at least with my kids. My DP went back to work weeks ago so I have no break. It’s breaking me. Two young boys, fighting and breaking shit constantly. My head is mashed.

Can you please understand that feminist = equality

Perhaps if you had had a more 'feminist' mindset then you wouldn't be in your current position.

Sorry, I can't see anywhere that the 30 hour funding for 3 year olds has stopped. Where has this been reported?

I think it’s just unfortunate circumstances that neither of you can work from home and that you’ve got such a difference in your incomes.

Most couples I know have at least one person able to work from home, possibility to have flexible hours or not a massive inequality in income.

I didn't know golf could only be played my men, and that it's obligatory for men to play it at the weekend instead of taking the kids to the park.

I don’t care about white male privilege or growing my armpit hair or being the top bitch in the boardroom.

Hate to break it to you but feminism is literally nothing to do with any of these things.

If you want women to have equal opportunities to men, if you don't want them to be discriminated against because of their sex, then you're a feminist. It's as simple as that.

I don't know why anyone wouldn't want that!

"I can’t take them to the supermarket or round the shops either, no grandparents allowed etc."

We have found a solution to that. We park in a quiet corner of the smkt car park; DS parks 2 m away (leaving one space between). He leaves the kids in his car , front and back seat with the windows down; we stay in ours the same. We all bring our own pencils and paper. He goes to the smkt for both families (I send my shopping list to his phone) while we and the grandkids entertain each other with chat, jokes, games and quizzes etc. DS puts our shopping in our boot.
We can keep personal but completely safe contact with the GC's and they absolutely love it, so do we. Over weeks we've been able to develop discussions verbal games and quizzes related to their home-school work (spelling, number, topics such as frogs, outer space). At the last "meeting" they interviewed us for a school project but they also delight in telling us riddles, jokes, etc.

We also keep in touch with them via zoom etc but find it's much more fun IRL.

Of the people who work for me, 3 are men with young DC who are currently out of school / nursery. 2 of those have wives who don’t work. I expect the 3rd man (whose wife also works FT) to take his share looking after DC & encouraged him to block time out in his diary when he is responsible for DC. I’ve said he should not worry about making up all the time off taken. I feel I have treated him exactly the same as I would have if he were female and I expect his wife to be working to the same extent as him.

It’s up to all of us to treat people equally and expect to be treated equally, not make assumptions about circumstance or decisions based on sex or who earns more, if we do, it just perpetuates the situation.

@Sadie789 - I'm worried about the comment that you made about the withdrawal of the 30 hours childcare in Scotland. I hadn't heard about that at all and it might have implications for me. Have you got any links? Thanks

@BumpBundle & @CovidicusRex

I'm responding before I've read the whole thread because I don't want to miss your posts so apologies if this has moved on.

I'm a feminist and I completely agree with you.
I believe in equal rights for all and I believe in personal responsibility to ensure that where you have choice, you have the onus on you as a person to get them within your family situation.

So if that's what you mean, then I'm with you!

I feel exactly the same op.

You make an excellent point OP, although like others I’m sad that your perception of feminism is so off. At its core feminism is just the belief that women should enjoy equal opportunity and rights. Different schools of feminism then argue about what that means in practice and what societies need to do to get to equality of opportunity. You don’t have to embrace academic feminist theory or engage in the debate to be a feminist. You just have to care about women and girls and be able to see that we don’t yet have a society that is fair for women and girls. Which you clearly already do.
To people saying it’s not a feminist issue and it’s just the OPs family, come on. Surely we can acknowledge the wider context is much more complicated than that, for a variety of reasons mothers are more likely than fathers to earn less and to work part time. I think they are more likely to take more responsibility for the well-being and education of their children and I think they are more likely than fathers to be judged if they do not.
And OP your other point about female-led businesses being disproportionately affected is also an excellent one. You sound like a smart, perceptive woman and I hope you do decide to add your voice to the wider conversations about feminism.

Why, for interest’s sake, would you say you are not a feminist?

If you champion women you obviously hate men and want to see them disadvantaged in every possible way

Are there more women in lockdown than men? Surely the vast majority of customer facing roles are done by women, and those are the people who are being forced to return to the workplace?

My wife is the higher earner and I will be looking after the kids. Purely circumstances, nothing more and nothing less

Women never had equality. They were always expected to do the second shift for free and as invisibly as possible. Covid19 has made it increasingly difficult to keep childcare and housework invisible from male partners or people outside the home, making some of the inequalities more obvious. Even so, there is little desire to change the status quo, hence the 'back to work' push from the top right now.

You can make child care as equal as you want in your own household it's down to you .
A few friends the female earns more so partner works less and does household and child care .
It's about who has the better job not what sex you are.

OP, the fact you think that there’s something inherently negative about feminists and feminism is actually proof to me of why women still need feminism so much.

The public image of “feminism” is a direct result of all the structural inequality that has built up over countless generations, the very same structural inequality that you are observing and critiquing.

If asked you if you would support a movement that wanted to see female people with the same rights, ability to make their own choices, and the same level of power over their own lives and circumstances as male people; if you would support a society in which female people and the contribution we make to society were valued just as highly as male people and the contribution they make, at every level - would you actually say no?

Men, not all of them, but a large proportion of them, have been released back into “normal” life

Well it's about time women earned as much as men and didn't choose to work part-time or in jobs that pay less. Lots of women earn less than their husbands, if not the massive majority. When ds was small I earned considerably more than my husband did - and that was very unusual.

Why do we think you need a penis to be the main breadwinner in this day and age?

If you don't want to be a woman in the position, work hard on your career, get knocked up by a man who agrees not to be in his kid's lives Nd hire a nanny or a man happy to be a stay at home dad (not a whole lot of those).These conditions are the result of choices.

Or move to a country where government policy supports equality and allows both parents to work? Where they have use it or lose it paternity leave, affordable child care, wraparound care, paid sick leave days to stay home with your child without losing salary and the general expectation that both parents are equally responsible for their children, not that there is mum and the other one who occasionally appears after children's bed time.

Oh and OP I would really suggest reading a little about feminism. I'm very much of a feminist and I therefore do not struggle with the issues you described. (While I of course recognise that many women still do). It has very little to do with armpit hair.

Can't he work from home?

Tells the employer you cannot work from home and need to go back, so he has to work from home. It's a more than reasonable request.

Not rtft.

OP if you're thinking your DH going back to work because he's the higher earner is just a coincidence, you are wrong. Men earning more than women is a structural issue and pure sexism. There are so many reasons why men generally earn more than women once past childbearing age. I suggest you educate yourself.

Regardless of earning income you both need careers and both are of equal priority. If you can't see this then sorry to say but you are part of the problem you raised in your OP.

By all means wave DH back to work while you stay off and do childcare, but please be aware of the bigger picture and what you are signalling to your DC by those actions.

I'm far from a feminist.
!!
FFS
What part of being allowed to vote, have a bank account and not be a man's property (father/ husband) is it that you disagree with?
Or are all feminists mad, sexless and warty?

You wouldn't see any other movement treated like this. What about "I don't believe in civil rights" sais no one EVER!

Women who claim not to be feminists piss me off especially when they say it to men to shag them / be soooo appealing. Have some reflection on what feminism has done for good for you.

It makes far more sense for the one who can't wfh to go back to work, and the one who can wfh to do so (and do the childcare etc). One of you is going to have a hard time wfh+childcare etc and it seems to me that if that is the one who earns more then it makes doubly more sense.

Out of interest, could your dh wfh? If you''ve said already, I've missed it.