Don't want to Zoom with friends

[Petals23]

6 friends are organising Zoom drinks tonight for the first time during lockdown. I really don't want to participate, it's not my thing. We've been in touch with each other via WhatsApp etc. Anyone else said no to zooming?

I say no. I don’t even have zoom.

I find video calls hugely anxiety inducing so I haven't partaken in any of these (although granted my friends know me well enough to know this so haven't tried to invite me) my DH videocalls MIL a couple of times a week with DD but I avoid that too. I don't like phone calls either! I'm very good with people in person but this just isn't my thing. So no YANBU to not want to, some people love it and others don't so much

I'm finding there is an expectation from a certain type that everyone must stay frantically in face to face contact via videocalls/zoom calls/quizzes.
I have no problem with those who want to but expect the same understanding reaction to those of us who simply don't feel the need, or want to.
If someone I knew was struggling and asked me to go on a videocall I would happily do it but I have no interest otherwise - I don't do it in 'normal' life and I live nowhere near the majority of my friends and family due to a recent move.
If you don't want to do it, politely decline. Not everyone wants to do everything all the time and people need to understand that!

Locked down extroverts are a pain in the arse

Packamack that is my quote of the pandemic and has cheered me up massively this morning! There's so much pressure to focus on keeping in touch with friends, maintaining social life during the pandemic, that some people forget that Zoom, etc can actually be a big source of stress for many of us.

I find it overwhelming. I just sit there and watch, not knowing when to contribute and everyone else is chatting... I cried for an hour after the last one.
Appreciate a pp said that video calling is essential for some people’s mental well-being. But I’m not about to put mine at risk to improve theirs when there are plenty of other people who like to zoom that they can chat to.

I say no to all this.

I’m happy to spend ages chatting on the phone but I usually see friends 1:1 anyway.

If I had a set group, I’d still say no, it’s like being in a meeting.

There's so much pressure to focus on keeping in touch with friends, maintaining social life during the pandemic

no pressure at all There are just so many threads about people feeling alone, abandoned, on house arrest and whatever nonsense they can come up with, there are ways not to be isolated, that's all.

I just sit there and watch, not knowing when to contribute and everyone else is chatting...
sorry but that is weird, if these people are your friends and you are close enough, it's just a natural discussion and banter. You don't have to do anything, but you can't be that close if it's so awkward for you.

I'm like a PP, I'm on the computer all day working from home and can't wait to turn it off at 5.30, I opt out of the work Teams calls every Friday and I have WhatsApp groups with friends and other groups with colleagues so I prefer to do it that way.

Each to their own

Make sure they know you can only stay on the call for a limited time - your dinner is on or you’re due to call a parent. Then you can see your friends but have a valid excuse to leave early!

I can fully appreciate that it's helpful and fun for some people, but it doesn't work for me. I find it really awkward.

It's a shame that so many people on here think that makes me miserable and anti-social. We're all trying to get through this the best way we can. That's all.

OP, I can only suggest giving it five minutes or so, with an excuse on hand for why you might not be able to stick around.

@Packamack
Locked down extroverts are a pain in the arse

Even though I enjoy the odd Zoom sesh, I have to agree with this statement. Some of my extrovert friends are painful at the moment

Paf Sometimes, even in a close friendship group, one or more of the friends likes to hold court/hog the conversation more, or perhaps their job has required them to do many Zoom calls so they are comfortable with jumping into the conversation comfortably. I think Zoom magnifies our natural characteristics of being extrovert/introvert/chatty/quiet etc and for those who are quieter in conversations, often we subconsciously rely a lot more on subtle signals of body language than just the spoken word (or who is speaking the loudest).

On the phone, it's equal as neither can see the other, but on Zoom, subtle signals and body language are harder to read for the quieter/introverts, and the extroverts seem to revel in being on screen and perhaps unwittingly dominate or drive the conversation mainly to their own satisfaction.

if these people are your friends and you are close enough, it's just a natural discussion and banter. You don't have to do anything, but you can't be that close if it's so awkward for you.

@PafLeChien that's typical of the sort of comment I mean. It's nothing to do with how close the relationship is. I don't even find zooming with my daughters, comfortable. It's somehow artificial and nothing like being in their physical company.
At least TRY to understand that not everyone is like you. There've always been people who don't like using the phone. It's not just new technology that somme people find hard to communicate over.

Sometimes, even in a close friendship group, one or more of the friends likes to hold court/hog the conversation more

That's absolutely true. On one of the two group zooms I've done with friends, I ended up really disliking one of my friends for the way she dominated the conversation. And I also liked myself less for sitting there like a dummy because I found it hard to break into the conversation because of the slight lag, and not being able to read the whole group well.

YANBU OP. I would cheerfully never have another video conference again.

Sara perhaps you and I should be friends We could happily agree to never have to do a Zoom call.

Of course you don't have to do anything you don't want to do but I'd recommend giving it a go. Since lockdown me and my friends have Zoomed pretty much every Friday. Different people drop in and out each week depending on busyness / can-be-arsed-ness but there's usually me and my partner and 2 - 5 other couples.

Because it can be a big group of us you can't really have meaningful smaller chats like you would at the pub or wherever. So we generally do a 'how are you' as each person joins and share any updates then play Jackbox.tv.

That way we're all focused on the same thing and have a laugh, if you're not playing you're more free to have a chat. It can definitely work but it takes some getting used to and it's fair to say that it's not for everyone.

I like the calls up to a point, but it's impossible to leave them - you can't exactly say you have to be somewhere! If I say "I'm going to head off" everyone knows it's to browse the Daily Mail comments and watch Homes Under The Hammer.

I find the zoom get-togethers that are the worst are the ones where people are using their phones, in poor lighting with a dodgy wifi connection - they're just not worth it. You can't see other people on the phone screen so easily and nobody can ever seem to find any of the control buttons!
However where people are using laptops and have already got used to the technology for work it's so much better. We've had pub quizzes and book groups and birthday teas etc. If people want to switch their camera off and just do audio, that's fine.
Best thing recently was when 3 of us were all making masks, so we set up our sewing machines and laptops and had a 'stitch and bitch' - was great fun, as we were concentrating on something else, so tended to just chat more normally!

We zoom for 2 hours every sat with the same group & sometimes we do quizzes with other friend groups.

I quite enjoy it tbh. It’s nice to see faces, and I like to get a bit dressed up and put on makeup. It’s not really much different to all of us sitting around a table together with a few drinks. I find it a tonic to see my mates, but it reinforces how much I miss them.

I do at least 2 ‘teams’ meetings per day for work. That gets on my wick a bit.

I don't even like using whatsapp (people can SEE if I've read their message), so zoom would a total no for me. I am introverted to a ridiculous degree though. Not shy in the slightest, but I really, really need my space from people. Video calls are my idea of hell.

My mother insists on videocalling me EVERY BLOODY DAY and then bombards me with messages on whatsapp if I don't pick up the first time - and that only makes me worse, which she doesn't understand at all. I have told her so many times that if she just backs off for a day or two, she's more likely to get a quick reply from me. But she just doesn't get it. And before anyone says it, no, she's not lonely, she's in a constant round of messaging with all her friends & family, I see her at least once a week (from a distance), as do my other siblings, she has a ridiculous number of hobbies. She's not lonely. She's just an extrovert who doesn't understand what it's like to be an introvert.

Agree with the PPs that it brings out some people’s foibles or flaws that are usually there

I have a “queen bee” acquaintance who tends to want to talk mainly about herself, and of course she’s still like it on zoom!

Too many people doesn’t work well.

I find it very, very different from meeting up in RL, eg all conversation is with the entire group, no “breakaway” chats.

Sometimes I wonder how on earth some MNers have any friends.

I enjoy talking to my friends one to one on the phone, Zoom conversations can be very awkward. I do the occasional team quiz which is OK and have various meetings via Zoom which is painfully awkward unless very well managed.