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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I been a bit shit

71 replies

BetteDavisWeLuvU · 19/05/2020 15:56

I think my childminder’s fallen out with me.

I’ve been really rubbish at staying in contact with her and although we were exchanging messages at the start of the lockdown I haven’t messaged her back since the beg of April even though she’s included me in a few kind round robin checking in texts. I’ve just been so busy at work, I work 4 days and have been caring for my toddler on top of having a very full on role which blessedly has not been affected by any of this. But it means I just forget about WhatsApp - I don't have time to keep up.

CM messaged me at the end of last wk though saying was opening for business on the 1st. I personally feel it’s too soon to go back, especially to someone else’s house, and if DC is going to anyone else’s house it will be my parents. There’s no way we could let him see them if he’d been mixing with other households.

I returned the message explaining my thoughts and that we would continue paying the retainer and to let me know if she wanted to discuss payment terms - if she asks I would be happy to pay the full amount to keep the place. I also sent her photos of DC and a bit of an update on their development. That was on Sunday as I've not heard a peep back.

I know i’ve been a bit shit but to not acknowledge pics of DC felt a bit mean.

I've since found out one of the other Mum’s been dropping off baking for them and has been taking their DC for socially distanced chats (they live walking distance) so they don't forget the Childminder!

I look completely shit don't I? should I call her?

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 19/05/2020 15:57

She is probably swamped trying to organise everyone coming back and all that. I wouldn't take it personally.

BatCrazyCat · 19/05/2020 15:59

No you have not been shit. Childminder will have to understand with everything going on. I'm sure she will be in touch soon

Boyo7 · 19/05/2020 16:00

I think if she is opening on 1st June then you need to pay full amount otherwise give up your space.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 19/05/2020 16:01

I wouldn’t take it personally either. I have to admit I have been a little surprised that some of my parents haven’t kept it touch at all (I have messaged and emailed updates etc) especially if they intend their child to return but I do accept that some people are very busy.

Purplelion · 19/05/2020 16:01

So you’ve spent the last 8 weeks not responding because you’re too busy. Everyone can find 2 minutes to reply to a message. And now you’re offended that she hasn’t replied to pictures of your DC...

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 19/05/2020 16:02

Although a little ironic that you didn’t reply to her since April and she gets 48 hours grace before you get antsy about a lack of reply!

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 19/05/2020 16:04

I don’t think you’ve been shit at all. I think you’re overthinking her lack of response. Her text was to let you know her plans and find out how it worked for you. You told her your plans and then added a bit more. Shes probably engaging with other parents too and trying to cooordinate everything so maybe just busy. I wouldn’t worry what other families are doing with her contact wise.

Cheesypea · 19/05/2020 16:05

I think you just need to make a decesion is your child is going back? Will you pay the fees to retain the space? Or will you use alternative care.

IncrediblySadToo · 19/05/2020 16:08

You're being unreasonable. It's been 2 days.

You've also been a bit unreasonable not to reply to her 'Mass messages' really - even if it was just an emoji.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/05/2020 16:09

I haven't replied to her messages because I'm so very busy. She hasn't replied to my message because she's mean.

Erm, maybe she's busy?

It's been 2 days.

Original poster
BetteDavisWeLuvU · 19/05/2020 16:11

@Boyo7 more than happy to do that. We paid for the full month in March (even though we didn't have to as she only billed us for the part month) as no measures had been put in place for the self employed and our income hadn't been affected at that point.

OP posts:
GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 19/05/2020 16:13

Then tell her that! Say you’ve sat down and gone through your finances and can afford to pay her in full. It will be a weight off her mind.

pasturesgreen · 19/05/2020 16:15

She'll be busy arranging everything before she reopens. I really wouldn't see anything into it, it was two days ago, I'm sure she'll get back to you.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/05/2020 16:20

You haven’t been shit at all. She’s your CM not your best friend. It’s a professional relationship. She should understand that without her services, your work has doubled. It’s not been a paid holiday sitting at home painting your nails.

BossAssBitch · 19/05/2020 16:22

No. You have not been shit. I have friends I haven't been in touch with for weeks as we are too busy. I understand, they understand. CM will have to suck it up.

Euclid · 19/05/2020 16:25

Like you CM is too busy to reply!

alphabetspagetti · 19/05/2020 16:25

I think the retainer bit may have flummoxed her and now she's working out how to ask for payment in full.
She is open from 1st June. You are choosing not to use the service she is providing and so should pay in full. I would go back and clarify this and say that you will update her on when you expect your DC to return, whether you think that that will be on a phased basis or straight back in. Might it be linked to then next government update for example?
You could also use this as an opportunity to ask about her risk assessment and whether the setting will be noticeably different if your DC was to return in that first week.

InDubiousBattle · 19/05/2020 16:31

I imagine she started work yesterday morning so it's only really been a day since your message, you can't say she's been mean after one single day, especially when you haven't been in touch for 6 weeks. Just message her making it clear that you still want the place and will pay the fees but are choosing not to send your dc. She may have been surprised your lack of any contact for so long but I don't think she'll care that you haven't sent over baking.

Brakebackcyclebot · 19/05/2020 16:31

So you didn't respond to her for weeks, and now you're worried she's not responded for a couple of days?

You have created a narrative around her not replying. You said you were too busy to reply before - she's probably massively busy now, and you asked her challenging questions that she might not know how to reply. I think you've been a bit unfair to be honest.

Feedingthebirds1 · 19/05/2020 16:37

I don' think YWBU not to have replied to her for the last eight weeks, everyone's lives have been turned upside down. YABU now to be complaining that it's been just two days since you messaged her but - gasp - she's being mean because she hasn't replied yet.

vanillandhoney · 19/05/2020 16:38

So it's okay for you to ignore her for two months, but not okay for her to take longer than 48h to text you?

viewfromthecouch · 19/05/2020 16:40

I honestly think you're overthinking this. She'll be busy trying to work out every last detail of every thing she has to do to reopen safely, not wondering why you didn't reach out to her more frequently for a few weeks.

Majorcollywobble · 19/05/2020 16:43

You’ve done nothing to reproach yourself for . Your own circumstances mean you have had very little time and I’m sure your child minder will appreciate that . You’re just feeling a bit guilty - hence the worry about her delay getting back to you . There’s worry enough with this too x

Sally872 · 19/05/2020 16:44

Bit shit to state "we will continue to pay the retainer" as awkward for her to say "actually you will have to pay me in full"

Otherwise fine. Don't think cupcakes and visits are required.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 19/05/2020 16:49

Er, no, not at all. No cupcakes needed. You've kept in touch, it's all fine.