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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get frustrated with my mum and her refusal to use a mobile phone?

146 replies

SquishyBones · 17/05/2020 07:22

My mum (early 60s) has had a mobile phone for years however, it has been “charging” for all those years. She just refuses to use it!! Says she doesn’t know how but won’t let anyone show her. It’s so frustrating. All my aunties (mums sisters) have mobiles and so my cousins are constantly texting and sending and receiving photos etc ... I can’t do any of that. Then she gets mad when I text my aunt or sent them photos as she gets jealous and says I’m leaving her out!!

My GRANDMA (mid 80s!!) has been using a mobile phone for years too and has now worked out how to send and receive photos. So why don’t my mum?? She’s just so reluctant to move with the times. Still refuses to use online banking incase her account gets hacked ffs

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 17/05/2020 07:34

I am a little on the fence. Personally, I am happy DMIL does not have a computer, for example, as she would loose all her savings!

However, this week she got broadband installed and is using a facebook portal (like a tablet on a stand) to do video calls with the DGC.

Can't use a cashpoint though!

SnuggyBuggy · 17/05/2020 07:37

I think you need to ignore her when she gets angry she's missing out. It's her choice.

Ghostlyglow · 17/05/2020 07:39

I feel your pain @SquishyBones. My in-laws are a bit like this. They will use them but act like it's just something they do to appease us, not something that can be of benefit to them. FIL is particularly useless!

Maybelatte · 17/05/2020 07:42

My grandparents are both like this and both are only in their early seventies so hardly ancient. They just refuse to even own a phone let alone learn how to work one. My DH’s Grandad is in his mid-eighties and has an iPad which he loves.

It’s nothing to do with age, it’s just sheer stubbornness.

Original poster
SquishyBones · 17/05/2020 07:44

Yeah my grandma also has an iPad ... she likes playing the games on it and searching amazon for craft materials lol

OP posts:
Coffeecak3 · 17/05/2020 07:47

I feel your pain.
My dh is early 60's.
He has the most basic mobile and refuses to have a smart phone.
If our dc ring up they always ring me, send pics to me etc. Then he gets cross when I don't show him but often he's in the garden etc, I have a quick look and forget.

He is perfectly capable of learning to use a smart phone but he doesn't want to.

He refuses to use social media.

Your dm needs to accept that she has a choice. Either engage in the modern world or get left out.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 17/05/2020 07:58

I’m surprised at the responses to this... calling people “useless” and “stubborn”.

If they don’t want a mobile, they don’t want one. It’s not for you to force them to.

I dare say none of you would be forced or pushed into owning or using something that didn’t interest you and you didn’t want to.

It’s not up to you.

user8558 · 17/05/2020 08:01

It's not up to us no.

But it makes life a lot easier for everyone involved.

vanillandhoney · 17/05/2020 08:03

Why should she get one if she doesn't want to?

My dad is in his mid sixties and has never had a mobile. Refuses to. He has social media but will not entertain the idea of a mobile phone!

Doesn't bother me and I'm used to it. I just ring the landline if I want or need to speak to him.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 17/05/2020 08:06

But it makes life a lot easier for everyone involved

A lot easier for you, you mean?

So not for their benefit. But for yours.

hammeringinmyhead · 17/05/2020 08:07

I agree she doesn't have to have one but it isn't fair of her to tell you that you shouldn't use texts and photos to contact other members of the family. She can't both have no phone and receive those messages at the same time.

hoorayforharoldlloyd · 17/05/2020 08:10

Isn't the issue her complaints? Absolutely fine not to want one. Not fine to then complain you don't get text messages and pics sent to you.

My mum has a mobile but a basic one and doesn't take it out and a tablet to skype but only if someone helps her. It's a bit annoying sometimes bit only because i would find it more convenient. Most important difference is she never claims I'm leaving her out because she knows it's her choice.

Doowop20 · 17/05/2020 08:12

I do think people should stay up-to-date as much as they can. My dm has a very basic phone but says she can’t receive pictures or photos (she can.)

She has always refused to have anything to do with the internet. No reason why not, just didn’t want to learn despite being given an iPad as a present which is still in the box years later.

Now in lockdown she can’t email family, can’t skype or FaceTime the grandchildren, cant do online banking, can’t check out any local information, can’t arrange online shopping etc. She is very isolated and It has made me determined not to be the same as I get older.

Roselilly36 · 17/05/2020 08:12

Her choice, my MIL is the same with her mobile.

Dollywilde · 17/05/2020 08:13

It’s learned helplessness. Like parents who do everything for their kids then complain they don’t stand on their own two feet, or husbands who don’t do household chores or childcare ‘because you’re so much better at it than I am darling’.

If they don’t want to engage with tech that’s fine, but they don’t get any of the benefits of it. Don’t make special arrangements to get around it - when they complain about lack of pictures/being left out a brisk ‘well, it’s a shame you can’t use a mobile phone isn’t it’ and then move on.

You can’t force someone to do something but you can stop feeling any sense of responsibility for it.

Dollywilde · 17/05/2020 08:15

I also have no truck with people going ‘oh, well, they’re 65, they couldn’t possibly learn now’.

That means they were 50 in 2005. At 50 all the retirees I know were in the workplace and having to use technology in one way or another. It’s a choice.

SockQueen · 17/05/2020 08:15

I think it's just one of those things that some people dig their heels in over. My FiL is a very smart man, worked with computers all his life, happily uses a desktop PC, but refuses to get a mobile phone as he "doesn't see the point." We've given him multiple real-life examples of when he'd have benefited from having one (e.g. he got lost due to a diversion on the way to visit us and had to drive around for over an hour and eventually head back home rather than use a map app or even just calling us for help) but it's like he's just ruled it out in his head as something he "doesn't do." MiL is much less tech savvy than him but has a basic smart phone and is learning. But you can't force someone once they've got into that mindset.

GingerbreadBiscuits00 · 17/05/2020 08:17

YABU it's her choice

Aragog · 17/05/2020 08:19

Yes it's her choice.

But she can't then get mad at OP for missing out on chat and photographs.

It goes both ways.

doughnutmuffin · 17/05/2020 08:19

My mum has a smartphone and a tablet, she can shop online all day but then refuses to get internet banking as if it's too difficult! What I find most frustrating is that she rarely answers when I ring or she will let her phone die. I'm due DC2 in September and we've asked MIL to mind DC1 when I go into labour because I know I can rely on her to pick up her phone! I haven't told DM yet because I know she'll be annoyed even though it's her own doing!

Dollywilde · 17/05/2020 08:20

FWIW I know I’m only mid-30s but it makes me adamant I will never be like that. I’ll learn and adapt as I get older and I’ll never be closed to learning new things. It’s hard (I don’t even have an IT GCSE but have had to learn v basic coding for work and it’s definitely not the way my brain operates!!) but the risk of being isolated in later life because of your own wilful stubbbornness or ‘I can’t be bothered’ attitude is just too great.

Toomboom · 17/05/2020 08:20

I am similar age to your mum and have had a smartphone for years. Others of the same age I know all have smartphones. I am surprised that your mum doesn't have a least a working mobile.

But it is her choice, but she can't then complain that she doesn't get messages/ photos etc.

user8558 · 17/05/2020 08:21

Yes it makes life easier for us when it means we can contact him and he can contact us when he doesn't show up at agreed meeting place.

It's inconsiderate and lazy.

Murraygoldberg · 17/05/2020 08:27

It's her choice, the complaining would annoy me but otherwise why should she have to do have something to please others

redcarbluecar · 17/05/2020 08:28

I feel your pain - my mum is SO selective about what she ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do with her devices. I think some people are genuinely fearful of technology though. Also, don’t know about your mum, but some people find phones a strain on their eyes I think.

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