To get frustrated with my mum and her refusal to use a mobile phone?

[SquishyBones]

My mum (early 60s) has had a mobile phone for years however, it has been “charging” for all those years. She just refuses to use it!! Says she doesn’t know how but won’t let anyone show her. It’s so frustrating. All my aunties (mums sisters) have mobiles and so my cousins are constantly texting and sending and receiving photos etc ... I can’t do any of that. Then she gets mad when I text my aunt or sent them photos as she gets jealous and says I’m leaving her out!!

My GRANDMA (mid 80s!!) has been using a mobile phone for years too and has now worked out how to send and receive photos. So why don’t my mum?? She’s just so reluctant to move with the times. Still refuses to use online banking incase her account gets hacked ffs

It's her choice if she doesn't want a phone, but she also can't complain about missing out if she doesn't have one.

This. My DP doesn't have one - but generally doesn't want to do anything that requires one- whereas all our parents have them and make use of WhatsApp, photo sending, FB etc. (despite not really understanding how they magically work).

Because if you're meeting someone and running late/are delayed, you can't let them know and they're left hanging around like a lemon.

We all managed just fine without mobiles in the past. Surely you just wait until your friend arrives? Bring a book if you don't want to hang around waiting with nothing to do.

Because if you need to be contacted urgently and you're away from your home phone/computer, you can't be. If you rely on others to basically be your secretary by using their number when a mobile number is required.

Honestly, how often is this even an issue? What if you do have a mobile but you're driving or have no signal or a flat battery? The same applies. Or is that lazy and inconsiderate too?

I just don't get this need for people to be constantly at the other end of a phone and I say this as someone who uses their phone a lot.

Just leave someone a message and they can get back to you. Very very few incidents are so urgent that you need a mobile phone to survive them!

But I'm coming at this as someone who lives rurally and we rarely ever have mobile signal outside of the towns

Your mum can't complain if she's not willing to use the technology available to receive the photos OP.
That said, my parents refuse to have a house phone, let alone a mobile.
They don't even have a phone line to their house!
In their words ' I'm not paying good money to have a box sat there '.
Don't even get them started on paying a standard charge for the gas and electric meters. 😂

They're in their 80s

If she doesn’t want to use one that’s fair enough, but then she can’t complain that she’s missing out.

@Joan0fSarc gosh that would drive me mad! Why doesn’t he want one? That’s so unusual for that age group.

Up to her, really.

Bloody hell joanofsarc how the hell do you put up with that from DH? You’re not his bloody secretary

OP she’s being unreasonable to complain & I can understand your frustration. My DM,DF, DSM & DSF are all in their 70s, all have smartphones & happily engage with text, WhatsApp, zoom, houseparty & the rest

I’m surprised at the responses to this... calling people “useless” and “stubborn”.

If they don’t want a mobile, they don’t want one. It’s not for you to force them to.

I dare say none of you would be forced or pushed into owning or using something that didn’t interest you and you didn’t want to.

It’s not up to you.

^^ This

It is her choice and there are consequences. As long as she’s willing to live with them, that’s fine.

@ConcentricCircles It’s not really about not having the phone - it’s the complaining that she’s missing out. What is op to do? Get all the photos printed and send them in the post?

Exactly! of course she shouldn’t be forced to have a phone but choices have consequences which she doesn’t like & moans about

Try working out how to be kind rather than critical. It’s her choice, it’s might be irritating but send her a postcard every couple of days. Get children to make cards for her. Post her photos.
Speak on phone.

If the OP's parent has a laptop/desktop/tablet, then it's quite easy to send photos by email.

Last resort, if the OP has a printer then it isn't actually that hard to print out a few pictures, put them in an envelope and go to the post box. It may be that modern technology has made us a bit lazy.....

Yes, some people can be stubborn about not using new technology but others can be stubborn about not using older methods.

It’s not really about not having the phone - it’s the complaining that she’s missing out. What is op to do? Get all the photos printed and send them in the post?

Maybe the DM has other forms of internet access? A laptop or tablet so photos could be sent via social media, for example? Or there are apps where you can photos printed and sent to a recipient for very little money and it doesn't take long to do at all.

It's not like the only options are "get a mobile or you never get photos of your grandchildren". Some understanding on both sides wouldn't go amiss, I think.

I really hope that all these posters who absolutely won’t go to any effort with parents, family members, to accommodate their not using a phone don’t rely on them for childcare and the like.

Calling them useless, stubborn, etc. I wonder what would happen if they all decided not to accommodate your bloody childcare help. Since its such an inconvenience to you that they don’t have a mobile.

Joanofsarc, I'd be tempted to delete those texts

I pushed my mum on this too and now she's depressed and cannot cope with anything as all she does is scroll all day she watches other people's lives and compares their situation to her own leaving her very upset don't push too much some things aren't meant to be

Hmm I can see both sides of this. My grans both have (brick) phones but only switch them on if they want to call you. They can both email though, so I send them photos that way. One of them is nearly 90 so I'm not hopeful she's going to learn much else. I have taught her to use Skype (as have 2 other people) but she still can't do it by herself.

Otoh the neighbours we are shopping for are mid-sixties and their kids live abroad, so they're more with it. It's very useful to WhatsApp with them and be paid back immediately with online banking!

I understand how your mum feels and let's face it most of us survived without a mobile phone growing up and our parents certainly did. Just send your mum the pictures too I'm sure she'd be able to work out how to look at a photo and even if she doesn't at least you can say you sent it.
My mum doesn't even own a mobile although my dad does and I'm still able to keep in touch easily, I just use the landline and show her photos when see her. Can't you do the same? Why should she have to conform to your way of doing things, especially if she feels uncomfortable?

If they don’t want a mobile, they don’t want one. It’s not for you to force them to
That's fine,but they shouldn't moan that they are being left out because they are refusing to use the tools everyone else us.

OP are you my secret sister? I had this exact conversation with my 'D'M yesterday.

Has had a basic mobile for years - just text/calls which she got for going out in her increasingly unreliable car but it is never charged, switched on and the payg credit used to run out. Other family members move onto smartphones and use WhatsApp to message and send photos of kids and grandkids from all around the world - holiday snaps, first days at school, random funnies - and omg the anger from dm that she's excluded !

Is bought a basic smartphone which is all set up with the main apps on the front screen. Accounts set up, numbers added. She refuses to use it. Still gets angry that we continue to share our lives with other family members but refuses to enter this modern new fangled tech age.

Enter coronavirus and she gets angry that we won't just pop in to help her order stuff (that she doesn't actually need) online. Angry that we won't call in to pick up her bank card to go get a mini statement. Angry that we won't do a midweek shop for her despite offering several times to add stuff to our online shop.

We have busy lives, and doing stuff online makes our lives easier, we should not be made to feel guilty for refusing to help when she won't help herself.

And that's the difference - you can't because you won't or you don't want to. Both your choices and you get to deal with those choices.

My DM is very similar and point blank refuses to learn. Agree with others that it's nothing to do with age, it's a choice she's made.

Just say something like "oh that's a shame" if she complains and change the subject. Like a small child, you don't want to be giving her lots of attention for ooor behaviour

but my DC are taking it personally as the rest of the family do zoom & FaceTime and they feel only Gran is putting her stubbornness before their wishes to 'see' her

Your children sound like brats. I take it they’ve gotten the “Gran is being stubborn” attitude from you?

Bring them up better than that.

And like my earlier post, I really hope you’ve never had to rely on your mother with childcare etc. What an attitude to take towards someone who has - I imagine - helped you in lots of ways where your children are concerned. To teach your children that stubborn Granny isn’t interested in seeing them.

Lovely.