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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get frustrated with my mum and her refusal to use a mobile phone?

146 replies

SquishyBones · 17/05/2020 07:22

My mum (early 60s) has had a mobile phone for years however, it has been “charging” for all those years. She just refuses to use it!! Says she doesn’t know how but won’t let anyone show her. It’s so frustrating. All my aunties (mums sisters) have mobiles and so my cousins are constantly texting and sending and receiving photos etc ... I can’t do any of that. Then she gets mad when I text my aunt or sent them photos as she gets jealous and says I’m leaving her out!!

My GRANDMA (mid 80s!!) has been using a mobile phone for years too and has now worked out how to send and receive photos. So why don’t my mum?? She’s just so reluctant to move with the times. Still refuses to use online banking incase her account gets hacked ffs

OP posts:
EdwinaMay · 17/05/2020 08:29

I would quite like to not have a phone - DH is a pest and phones when he is bored in the car talking about trivialities.
But I like it for messaging and txting which DH doesn't really do. And for everything else.
But I would let it be, why should someone have to have one. If you can't get hold of her you can't get hold of her.

vanillandhoney · 17/05/2020 08:31

It's inconsiderate and lazy.

Why is it lazy and inconsiderate not to have a mobile phone?

lifestooshort123 · 17/05/2020 08:32

I should be surprised at all the patronising comments on here but as it's mumsnet I'm not.

Hopefulhen · 17/05/2020 08:33

Send her photos and texts if her phone is capable of receiving them. My mum is 60 and extremely reluctant to adapt to any new tech, believes internet banking will result in identity theft etc but when she got a smartphone she couldn’t resist seeing the photos.

OmgThereAreNoPlanesAboveMeNow · 17/05/2020 08:36

I would say YABU if she didn't moan, but she does so YANBU. Absolutely.

I dare say none of you would be forced or pushed into owning or using something that didn’t interest you and you didn’t want to.
Unless I would be moaning about missing on things that something provides🤷🏻 People get rightfully annoyed at this.

81Byerley · 17/05/2020 08:38

My husband and I are 76 and 71, and we both get very frustrated with my SIL who is 72. She has a laptop and at least has started to do her own emails after a lesson from us. We did show her originally but she still used to submit articles to her local parish magazines by handwriting them to us and posting them,150 miles for us to type out and email to her vicar, who lives half a mile away!
She was complaining that her bank was telling her that she could do her banking online, and it was better not to go in there, but refuses to even find out about online banking. When my husband said "You'd be able to check accounts and transfer money to and from one account to another, or pay people direct without cheques or cash" She said "It's no bother for me to drive to the bank (5 miles) and go in there".
I hate it when people say "I don't know anything about computers." For goodness sake, we have had this technology for a long time now, there's no excuse! and how do they even manage day to day when everything is geared towards the Internet?

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 17/05/2020 08:43

My MIL did once know how to use a computer, but she let it slide. It meant that as she got less mobile her world shrank massively.

My aunt (and my cousin) both refuse to have either internet or mobiles. My aunt is old and infirm, hardly goes out and gets bored. She also complains that she can't get to the shops to look for gifts at Christmas. If she had a mobile, she could Skype younger family members and do her shopping online. We could text her the photos she loves to look. It would open up her life. But nope.

I had an elderly relative of a similar vintage who loved email, contacted me by Skype and, had he lasted a few more years, would undoubtedly have had a smartphone in his pocket. Up until the last months of his life, he stayed engaged with loads of people because he had the tech at his fingertips.

Seeing MIL and aunt paint themselves into an 'all tech is bad' corner was what pushed me into getting a smartphone. I want my world to stay as open as possible for as long as possible.

jackstini · 17/05/2020 08:43

Her choice to the phone but YANBU as she is complaining about something only she can fix!

My Mum has an iPhone and laptop and will do text and email but absolutely refuses to do video calls of any type
Her choice, but my DC are taking it personally as the rest of the family do zoom & FaceTime and they feel only Gran is putting her stubbornness before their wishes to 'see' her...

PhoneLock · 17/05/2020 08:44

My DH has a mobile phone. He's had one since they were the size of a brick and a smartphone for 20 years. He knows how to use it. He can go weeks without looking at it. His family and friends usually ring me if they want to contact him.

His argument is that if people have anything urgent to say, they can ring him on the house phone.

SnuggyBuggy · 17/05/2020 08:44

The issue is when people expect others to go to lengths to accommodate the fact they won't use modern technology.

I remember service users who would kick off because we couldn't give a specific enough time when a clinician could call them back and they didn't want to wait in. Do what you want but the world has moved on.

MummaGiles · 17/05/2020 08:45

My DM was a very slow adopter of mobiles but after a stay at my grandma’s with no internet she finally realised she wanted the data. She now has an iPhone and uses WhatsApp, sends photos etc.

DH’s parents OTOH, despite loving tech (have several iPads etc) use a mobile only when they are travelling and treat it as a one way device. They turn it off if they don’t need to use it. They don’t do messaging, still use email for non-phone contact. They probably miss out on a lot of ad hoc photo shares, quick little messages, but that is their choice.

Unescorted · 17/05/2020 08:56

I don't have a personal mobile phone and I don't carry my work one with me outside work times. I do not want to be contactable all the time. Most things can wait - a note, email, voice mail on the land line works. I will get back to them when it is convenient to me as well as them.

My family and friends know I won't have seen a picture or heard a story about friends until I get back to my PC so if we are meeting up before then they explain the context to me. What is annoying is when people talk about things that I don't know about in my presence. If you want to talk about it while I am there then take the time to explain it. If you don't want to explain it choose a different topic of conversation that we can all join in. Otherwise it becomes that very dull conversation where 2 people talk about a history they shared at university before they knew you. Fun for them - but zzzzzzzzzzzz for those who don't know the context.

steff13 · 17/05/2020 08:56

It's her choice if she doesn't want a phone, but she also can't complain about missing out if she doesn't have one.

C152H · 17/05/2020 08:58

Although my mum has a mobile, she only takes it with her when she goes out, so she can text if there's a problem. When home, she leaves it in the same spot (where she can't hear it!) no matter where she actually is (outside, upstairs etc). She also won't order online or use online banking because she's very risk averse.

However, she does use email on her computer, so I send her photos via email and, if I've taken some nice photos (particularly of a special occasion like a birthday etc), I get them printed and give them to her. Maybe if you printed some of the photos you share with other family members, she wouldn't feel left out? It only takes a couple of minutes to upload them and order them online. Since meeting up in person is an issue at the moment, you can order prints and get them delivered directly to her.

Joan0fSarc · 17/05/2020 08:59

DH refuses to use a mobile and it drives me absolutely nuts. He's only in his 30s and works in IT so no excuse that he doesn't know how. He just says he doesn't need one. If he needs to give a phone number for something he uses mine - his work has my number on record for him, for example. And I've had texts from his friends who clearly have been told it's his number! I then have to hand him my phone so he can reply to them.

It's a pain in the arse and I definitely think YANBU, OP.

ittooshallpass · 17/05/2020 09:05

My DM is exactly the same. Won't even try to use technology. Her world is very small. She won't use online banking, only pays in cash, no mobile phone (did get her one, but it was never used and switched off unless she wanted to call someone, which she never did).

Moans constantly about lack of contact and there have been serious situations (think emergency hospital settings) when it has been impossible to reach her. She has missed trains, got lost and generally missed out on so much because she refuses to embrace technology.

She is lonely and it's only going to get worse. So yes, it's her choice but she's cutting off her nose to spite her face.

Joan0fSarc · 17/05/2020 09:06

Why is it lazy and inconsiderate not to have a mobile phone?

Because if you're meeting someone and running late/are delayed, you can't let them know and they're left hanging around like a lemon. Because if you need to be contacted urgently and you're away from your home phone/computer, you can't be. If you rely on others to basically be your secretary by using their number when a mobile number is required. And so on.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 17/05/2020 09:06

Maybe some people just don't want to be got hold of, any time day or night? Have you considered that one? I hate mobile phones for their anti-social properties - the way people amble along the pavement, staring at the screen and barely acknowledge anyone else.

VettiyaIruken · 17/05/2020 09:09

Maybe just say look, if you don't want a mobile that's fine, but you cannot complain that you aren't getting the things that are sent via mobile. Either get one and join in or don't get one and stop moaning.

ememem84 · 17/05/2020 09:09

Dm is insanely jealous of dgodmother, daunt and duncle and family because they can see pics of the dc which I upload to Facebook.

Dm has actually said that she’s jealous because they’ll see the pictures.

She refuses to get Facebook (absolutely her choice) because it ruins lives (opinion from various news articles where someone put something on Facebook and it had a negative effect on someone else).

She hasn’t yet grasped the concept that the family live in mainland U.K. (were Channel Islands) and she sees the dc at least twice a week in real life! But no. She’s jealous because they see pictures on Facebook.

Asiama · 17/05/2020 09:12

It's her choice not to use her mobile but she can't then complain that she's missing out. Does her mobile have a SIM? I would send her the pictures etc so that she is included, then it's up to her to decide if she wants to put in the effort to view the messages.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 17/05/2020 09:19

My dm and df went through a random stage of almost learned helplessness. It was really odd , they decided dm didnt "understand " WhatsApp etc. Total bollocks , a few years previously we were all constantly emailing back and forth and she had been absolutely fine with technology. My df was part of the group that designed UNIX operating systems in his youth so to speak , and 35 years ago worked with teams that included Wozniack for ffs. Then randomly they seemed to have this image of "old " and that they had to be it. None of us prior to this had any real belief that age made a blind bit of difference to technological ability (in fact if someone could ban my 75 year old uncle from Facebook I'd be grateful...there are only so many bird shots a person can be enthusiastic about Grin)

Dsis and I just rolled our eyes and said " oh dear well there we go then , you'll miss out on a lot of grandchildren photos then" and left it. No argument , no debate.

Lasted 3 weeks , before dm suddenly decided she could use it after all Hmm

feelingfragile · 17/05/2020 09:20

There's a woman at work like this. Refuses point blank to engage with WhatsApp and will only answer her work phone in work time but then feels left out because everyone else chats on WhatsApp informally both in and out of work time about life in general including work, and she's not involved.
She doesn't mind when she misses out in covering work for other people if they're off sick (usually discussed on WhatsApp as it's the quickest and simplest way of sorting it), but complains to the manager that she feels left out.
Its hard to be sympathetic sometimes

ememem84 · 17/05/2020 09:20

Re the comments that mobiles are antisocial and intrusive, they can be. But not if you don’t allow them to be.

Eg I have the do not disturb feature set on my phone so between 930pm and 830am only certain people (Dm df dsis and dh) can get through. Everyone else will be sent to voicemail. Texts will be recieved but no alert tone.

I have my work emails on my phone but switch them off when I’m not at work - out of office on and direct people to colleagues as per procedure.

I check emails when convenient to me. And don’t jump to my phone the minute I get a message.

I am sat here writing this on my phone while the dc play and I have a coffee. But sometimes....

ittooshallpass · 17/05/2020 09:24

If you want to talk about it while I am there then take the time to explain it.

Sorry, but that's really ridiculous and exactly what OP is referring to. If you don't want to 'do' technology, expect to be left out. I have never watched Game of Throne. If friends want to talk about it when I'm there, I don't demand they explain it, I just wait for the conversation to move on to something else. Same with mobile phones - your choice to have one or not, but don't expect people to have to work around you if you don't.