To get frustrated with my mum and her refusal to use a mobile phone?

[SquishyBones]

My mum (early 60s) has had a mobile phone for years however, it has been “charging” for all those years. She just refuses to use it!! Says she doesn’t know how but won’t let anyone show her. It’s so frustrating. All my aunties (mums sisters) have mobiles and so my cousins are constantly texting and sending and receiving photos etc ... I can’t do any of that. Then she gets mad when I text my aunt or sent them photos as she gets jealous and says I’m leaving her out!!

My GRANDMA (mid 80s!!) has been using a mobile phone for years too and has now worked out how to send and receive photos. So why don’t my mum?? She’s just so reluctant to move with the times. Still refuses to use online banking incase her account gets hacked ffs

If she doesn't want a mobile then that's totally up to her, but she's got a cheek to then complain she's being left out if you send pics to other family members - why should you/they miss out because of her choices? Can't have it both ways DM and I'd make this clear to her if she gives you grief.

It seems clear from some of the grumpy comments on here why a lot of people don't engage with modern technology. It's an indignant sense of 'Why should I HAVE to?'
There's definitely a sense that older folks think they'll lose control somehow, if they 'give in' and get a mobile or a tablet, or switch it on if they own one.
So, YANBU because your mum complains she's missing out. Sorry, but technology has always thrown up challenges; where would we be if everyone had thrown up their hands in horror when the typewriter was invented? Fact is, being unable or unwilling to use what is now very mainstream technology is a form of poverty, and there are charities, eg The Good Things Foundation, that exist to teach people how. And, like @ememem84 said, phones don't have to invade your privacy; with 'do not disturb' settings you're in control of it, not it of you. How intrusive is a landline telephone, anyway? No do not disturb settings on that.

I really hope that all these posters who absolutely won’t go to any effort with parents, family members, to accommodate their not using a phone don’t rely on them for childcare and the like.*

Nope. No childcare provided. Ever. Never babysat. Never had DGC for 5 minutes alone. Never offered. Never been asked. Just lots of moaning about not enough contact.

I do think there are valid reasons not to buy into mobile technology - or certainly to use it sparingly.

Our whereabouts are tracked, our data is bought and sold. Inboxes fill up with junk mail. False stories and phishing scams are widespread and quite a few of us may have fallen for the latter - you have to stay quite savvy. Many IT security experts won't use mobile banking apps. If you enter a wrong digit when doing online banking your payment will go astray. Social media may connect us, but it's also full of trolling and bullying. Satnavs may direct us to entirely the wrong place.

Those who are frugal and won't want to make a lot of use of online services may also not want to be tied into a contract for 12 months plus.

So perhaps we should cut people a little slack, if they decide to opt out....?

says I’m leaving her out!!

She's leaving herself out. Increase the quantity of photos sent by text. Set up a WhatsApp group, even better. If she's interested in seeing photos she'll capitulate.

YANBU. I understand that someone may not want a phone or social media but that also means that you can't complain when you miss out. It's not being arrogant or patronising to allow someone to feel the consequences of their own (presumably freely made and competent) choices.

I have a phone, but I don't use social media and very rarely use email. This means that sometimes I do miss out but that's my choice. It's out of order for your DM to make a choice not to engage and yet complain that she is excluded.

As for the earlier poster who's husband refuses to have a mobile because he doesn't need it but uses hers. Cut that out. He can and does use a mobile phone he just prefers having his secretary deal with it. Really lazy.

@louisamusgrove So perhaps we should cut people a little slack, if they decide to opt out....?

Yes, I agree. But it doesn't give them the right to get narky because we've decided to opt in.

@ittooshallpass It's their loss. Heartbreaking, though, that a grandparent chooses not to see their grandchildren. Can't help thinking that's not just technology issues.

I don't have a smartphone, I've never seen the need for one, as all I need to do is text and call. I clothes shop online, bank online, etc, but a smartphone wouldn't add anything to my existence as far as I can see.

Dh retired at 58 last year, gleefully handed back his work smartphone, and bought an indestructible Caterpillar dumb phone. He doesn't need a smartphone anymore, and sees no need to pay for one, so uses GiffGaff.

What tech you use is a choice, not a diktat. Ds is on his nth smartphone, and it drives me batshit. He can't seem to be upright without his phone and headphones on. Very anti social, as is the behaviour of some of those with smartphones. One friend comes to dinner and fiddles with his phone whilst we are eating which is rude in the extreme, as I have frequently told him.

It is useful being able to do things without tech, like pay in cash, have a road map in the car and be able to use it. Little bits of resilience built in means that if the networks go down or are hacked, life doesn't stop altogether. I still have a plug in phone that will work in case of emergencies.

What is op to do? Get all the photos printed and send them in the post?

That's what we do for my mil and always have done. It's no hardship. We got her a mobile phone 20 years ago but she never managed to learn how to use it.

@LouisaMusgrove All true. But we don't have to go the whole hog; plenty of people limit their use of tech to whatever they're happy with. But there's a lot of fear associated with technology. Security firms talk glibly about the insecurity of WiFi, for example, as if encryption wasn't widespread, in order to scare people into buying bloated, expensive 'security suites' that slow your PC down and replicate functions that your operating system already provides for free. I and my 3 DSs help my MIL with all her tech issues; she's 80 and keen as mustard to try out the latest developments. It's an excellent way for kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents. Sure, there are security worries, but we deal with them. If she worried about burglars breaking in through her conservatory we wouldn't say, well don't have one.

@typingerror it’s a bit of a hardship really - pay to print photos, but stamps, take them to the postbox. Bit more than firing off a WhatsApp message.

My entire family are on a single WhatsApp group - ages from older teens to aunts and uncles in their late 80’s.

Choosing to not have a mobile is a choice - and that’s fine - but you cannot complain that you’re missing out - you can’t have it both ways.

It is useful being able to do things without tech, like pay in cash, have a road map in the car and be able to use it. Little bits of resilience built in means that if the networks go down or are hacked, life doesn't stop altogether. I still have a plug in phone that will work in case of emergencies.

I think recent events have shown us that opposite is also true - being able to bank online, know how to connect to the internet, and use online platforms has become rather a necessity if you don’t wish to remain isolated.

I think it varies. I'm extremely glad my mother has a functioning PC, an iPad and Kindle. My brother who lives nearby supports her when she has tech problems - and she does get very anxious re any changes/software updates etc.

On the other hand I'm extremely glad that my elderly father in law just had an old-fashioned landline. He began getting dementia and while it was sad that he couldn't adapt to the technology that would compensate for declining vision, he'd have been a prime target for scammers. (The mail order catalogues were bad enough. He'd just order stuff and forget he'd ordered it.)

I also think some people opt not to participate in Zoom groups etc because they want special status.

A relative of mine has recently had a baby and her mother doesn't want to participate in group chats - as the baby's grandmother she wants special ones just for her. I think she is given the odd private audience, but not on a regular basis.

I love my laptop and would be really lost without it. I also love my Kindle. I feel meh about my mobile, I bought it six years ago as was going into hospital. It's a PAYG which only sends and receives calls/texts and I last charged and used it to send a text a month ago. It's had about £40 put on it since I got it. I don't complain I'm missing out so I guess it's ok for me to make my own choice about it.

Grumpy I bank online, have done since it was first introduced, and shop online as well, but I don't need a smartphone to do any of those things. My Mum does have a smartphone, but it is only switched on when she wants to use it, and she has no idea how to text..despite her three adult grandsons showing her frequently. She has an iPad, and can face time those who use Apple (we don't), but she refuses point blank to do online banking, or to use Amazon. If she wants something I order it and pay, and as I am now back in UK, she writes me a cheque to pay for it.

She emails her friends, or calls them on the landline. I wouldn't say she is isolated. Db and I have both been living abroad for years, so she is pretty resilient anyway.

She doesn't use the internet for her TV either, and as she is only spending on her food shop, which I pay for and then she writes me a cheque when I drop it off, no need to do much banking anyway!!

I am not sure not using tech makes one isolated. There are print newspapers, the news on TV, the radio, the landlines next, even the post...I've been sending cards to friends abroad so they don't feel forgotten. Tech is a means to an end, not an end in itself; use it if you feel it adds value, but you don't have to if it doesn't. My late grandmother who died in 2006 at 93, never had a TV, only got a landline in the 80s, and never, ever had a mobile or computer. Some people just don't want or need it.

I sympathise. My parents have mobiles but basic ones, they refuse to get smart phone
Neither will entertain online banking or debit cards. They have a cash card but don't know how to use a cash machine. They pay for everything in cash, all bills rent etc and are paying over the odds for utilities because they refuse to do direct debits. If they need something online I have to do it for them.

I think recent events have shown us that opposite is also true - being able to bank online, know how to connect to the internet, and use online platforms has become rather a necessity if you don’t wish to remain isolated.

You don't need a mobile phone to do any of those things.

My dad has never owned or used a mobile but he has a laptop he uses daily. He's on Facebook and e-mails his sister on the other side of the world most days. He does online banking, uses Strava and does all sorts on the internet - he just doesn't like mobiles. If I want to send him photos I do it via Facebook. If I want to speak to him, I ring the landline - it's not exactly arduous.

People are acting like owning a mobile is a necessity and that anyone who doesn't have one is a luddite there are plenty of ways to stay connected that don't involve mobiles, it's just text and WhatsApp is easier and people are generally fairly lazy.

I have a very basic mobile, I can text, take send pics, and make calls of course. I don't have a smart phone as I don't see the need. Any really interesting stuff comes to my laptop emails. I only have the mobile with me in case of emergencies really. I don't do on line banking either and still have (gasp!) a cheque book! I don't feel as if I've missed out in any way by not having these things - but then if your DM feels she's missing out then she needs to either stop moaning or turn the phone on!! Don't use sat nav either - I have done, and it took me so far out of the way on a couple of occasions, I decided it wasn't for me!

You don't need a mobile phone to do any of those things.

I was thinking the same thing. I prefer to use my phone. DH will use an iPad or a PC/Laptop

Many on MN don't realise that mobile phone does not necessarily equal smart brick. You can buy small robust phones for around a tenner on ebay, for talk and text. Stick in a Tesco PAYG sim, change it to the 'lite' tariff and you are contactable and can call for help for £20 total.

anyone totally reliant on their smartphone for navigation etc is a bit stupid. Keep a map in the car and work out where you are going before you leave, using that limitless and strong-signal home internet.

I have friends who will insist on calling my mobile to chat. Even though the signal is better than it was, it is still hard work. Ring the bloody landline FFS.

The next time she gets angry for being left out, ask her if she is hard of understanding how things work. To receive a picture on a phone, she must use a phone. And if she doesnt use a phone then she is left out. And if that happens then it is her fault.
Really stupid of her to get angry over something that she refuses to do.

YABVU

Wonder if there will be any tech that we won’t want to interact with in the future. I’m not very up to date. But I like being in contact with kids and grandkids.
I remember my granddad getting a land line for the first time many years ago. He used to really shout down the hand set. Us kids thought it was hilarious.

I wonder whether people of a certain vintage had to use computers and tech at work but didn’t enjoy it or found it difficult, and then when they retired thought yippee I don’t have to do that any more. But then people started using pcs at home etc.

My mother happily used an Amstrad for many years (she was a writer so just used it as a word processor). She found the transition to windows quite difficult.