Be brutally honest are we cruel parents or is my dm and older colleagues being ridiculous?

[Awbu]

In a nutshell me and Dh buy houses and renovate them while we live in them.
We have two dc 7 and 4.
Eldest has lived in 3 different houses, ds 2. This has meant we’ve be able to increase money in house from 15k to over 100k and move dc to a much better catchment school in last year.
Obviously it has been disruptive for the dc slightly we had to stay with family for 4 weeks during last renovation as walls knocked down etc.
We are hoping to do another one before we can buy our forever home (hate that term but a home we would stay in forever).
People at office all openly criticised this idea and accused me of being a cruel mum moving them from house to house (these moves btw have been from one village to another 2 miles away). They are all women in their late 50’s/60’s who have had one family home after marriage so I can see why this doesn’t seem ideal to them.
Anyway my dm has gone batshit today after I said we’d move depending on the effects on the market within a year- and accused me of the same ‘cruel to unsettle the children’,
I don’t get this every move has been better than the last more space for dc, nicer village etc but am I being harsh on the dc?

I wouldn’t at all say cruel, but moving can be very unsettling for young children. I moved last April when my son was three, he wasn’t 100% himself for quite a few weeks.

They are still quite young so I think it is fine. Especially as you are not changing schools. I think if you can try stay in one place 8 to 18.

By the time I was 16, I had lived in over 20 properties across three countries. My parents were working class and supplemented their limited income (dad drove taxis and mum was a full time mum) by renovating houses. I moved schools probably nine or ten times over this period. I was always given the opportunity to make my room nice, and my space was always a priority to renovate. I did find it unsettling sometimes, and was really upset the first time we moved countries as I thought I’d lose all my friends. However - I learnt to make friends easily, was independent, got to “reinvent myself” every time as I learnt how to be a good and mature person, learnt languages and cultures I otherwise wouldn’t have, and got to experiment a lot with my own tastes too. I promptly went to university in the US and Middle East, moved around a lot as an adult and now live across three countries with a DH from a different culture, with our two children. I have lifelong friends around the world from lots of different schools and communities.

I work in a security/diplomacy field that is driven largely by those skills I picked up as a child. I was gifted etc but didn’t naturally have that degree of emotional intelligence. Without having to develop this, I would not have been so successful. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have known what makes me happy and felt able to chase after that. So, I think YANBU if you are using this as an opportunity for your children as opposed to just a route to a forever home. Ultimately, I hope you know your children best, and are best placed to make those choices that will empower them to be happy and well rounded members of society. I aim to do that with my children, and due to that childhood I am now privileged enough to be able to do so with far more resources than my parents could.

We did this with our family. I felt guilty every time but the kids were reasonably unbothered. I think if they don’t have to move school it’s easier, that is the main disruptive factor. Now that they are teenagers they like looking back at all the houses and they appreciate the house we are in now.

I always made sure the first thing I got ready when we moved to a new house no matter how late it was or how tired I was, I would always get their beds and bedroom looking organised and cosy for them and we would always have takeaway pizza for our first dinner in the new house which became a tradition!

I'd lived in 5 houses by the time I was 8, then my parents stayed put (and are still there). I'm not bothered by it. In fact, I'd say it's meant that I'm happy to move about, all around the country as necessary, in my adult life.

You have consistency of schooling and village, so I really don't see a problem.

My family never moved. My BFF's family moved frequently involving changing schools. We both turned out alright. I think it's what you're used to growing up and how calmly the people around the DC handle the move.

We’ve done this, my eldest is 11 and youngest 6. We have lived in 4 houses. Done them up while living in them and moved on to better each time. This house we are in we have been in 2.5 years, it is my dream home in our dream area, our mortgage is small because of the equity we put in. I don’t regret it at all how could I, and the children loved it, they really enjoyed designing their rooms etc and thought it was an adventure. No regrets and happy kids. I stayed in the same house all my life till I moved out as an adult, my parents wish they had done what we did.

My mother moved us once a year every year for about 10 years. Then it was every other year. Could be completely unrelated but I now have issues with feeling settled and secure - I don’t form relationships and connections easily and even though I’ve lived in my home for 5 years I don’t feel like it’s my home, I feel like it’s a temporary living space (and that’s after more than a decade of having moved away from my mother!)

YANBU

You have a long term plan with their interests in mind, I moved 3 times when I was growing up and my parents weren't even making smart moves and it was annoying but I think if you're doing one more then settling they're still young and will be fine, our moves were when I was 2,10,15 and moved out when I was 21. 4 and 7 should be fine

I went to a lot of schools, 15 I think. I lived in more houses than that as sometimes we moved but I was able to stay at the same school. Initially it was because my DF had a job that involved a lot of location changes, then my parents did the same as you - flipping. Later after my parents divorced, it was my not-so-DMs unstable relationships that required the moves. My DH meanwhile was literally born in the house he grew up in, and my ILs still live there. We’re both normal, well educated, no vices etc, and our siblings are largely normal (jobs, kids, relationships etc). The difference between us though is that I’m more willing to go out and explore, even if I’m more naturally inverted. I’m happy to travel solo, and often visit somewhere first, bringing him on the next visit (Even if it’s a city in his native country). He hates the ‘getting to grips’ stage, he prefers a bit of familiarity.
I really wouldn’t worry. I personally see our moves as largely a strength, building a bit of resilience and independence. Any hang ups I have originate more from my DM than where I went to school or where I ate my dinner.

We have done the same. We have moved house 4 times with my ds11 and three times with ds9. They only had to move schools once and the move was intended to move into the catchment area of a better school. It was a great move as their school is amazing. We also made about 100k over the course of those moves. My dc are fine, happy and well adjusted and partly because of the effort we put in and those moves they are spending lockdown in a lovely house with six acres of land to roam in rather than our sweet but tiny first house.

YANBU, we do something similar as my husband is an architect and frankly it has been the only way we have managed to gain the right number of bedrooms for our family and remain living in an expensive area. We are currently living in a house where my husband designed the garage conversion and a backyard as previously it was a strip of land behind the house that you could not access. We were planning on moving on before the Coranvirus but things are in hold. I think my Mum feels similar to yours but would not express it, mostly because she hates having builders in to renovate.

Forces kids do this all the time. My DH had lived in 17 different houses by the time he left home. He was at boarding school from quite a young age tho, so I think that provided him with the stability he needed and he's pretty zen about the house thing - he just isn't that attached to 'stuff'.

My brother also did the thing with renovating houses with his kids - I think doing it young is better than when they are older. Now the oldest is in secondary school, DB and his family are planning on staying put, at least until the two kids are both grown. They moved a fair bit during primary school though. Seems to have been worth it - I don't think the kids are unhappy and they have a gorgeous huge house and garden that they never would have been able to afford another way.

This must be the most pathetic 'cruel' parenting accusation ever. It's absolutely fine OP.

I moved house I THINK 11 times in my first 11 years of life. Maybe more. I moved schools 4 or 5 times. It taught me resilience but at a cost. As an adult I now find commuting to homes very difficult- but have made myself do so for DS. In fact I lived on a narrow boat with no mooring before I had him.. weirdly It was the most settled I ever felt.
I’m in a long term rental now (hugely unlikely I’ll ever be asked to leave) and after 3 years living here have just committed to decorating it. I guess that means I’ve accepted we’re staying...

The difference for me was that moves were midnight flits, relationships breaking down, poverty, criminal neighbours.
It wasn’t the house moves that were the issue- it was the wider chaotic lifestyle.

It’s fine OP. Love your kids. Prioritise their wellbeing. Plan for their futures. It’s fine.

Committing. Not commuting. Commuting I don’t find hard at all...

MyGirlDaisy
My experiences are similar. No sooner had I got settled, we moved again and with internet and social media not being a thing it was more difficult to maintain friendships.

Now I don't want to move DC if we can avoid it. Because each house cost more, if anything we had fewer opportunities because all the money went into house moves. I'd rather have stayed in one place, had stability and the opportunity to develop my hobbies more and more family holidays.

I don’t think moving frequently is necessarily an issue. Constantly expecting family and friends to put you up during your projects will likely get very old very quick for your f&f I’d have thought. Especially if they’re babysitting at night while you paint and your DH works on the house

We moved multiple times during my childhood, each one with a school move. Each time it was only a few miles, so my parents didn't see it as far, but due to the school moves it might as well have been the moon. As a fairly shy child it really affected me as friendships were already formed and so I struggled to build meaningful friendships. This was in pursuit of "better" houses for my parents.
As an adult, I plan to only move once more if at all (I have preschoolers) which would be between year 6 and 7 with the move to secondary. DS seems to be a more confident child than I ever was but even so, if necessary I'd only want to put him through 1 move in primary if at all.
A few miles to an adult can be insurmountable to a child.

I think it's a bit different to people in Forces families. They often don't have a choice to move and it's still unsettling. Sometimes moves are inevitable due to a variety of reasons but moving for choice so often is unsettling. The children just get used to a house becoming their 'home' before its time to start over again.

We're a military family and have lived in 7 houses in 4.5 years, all around the country, our oldest child is 10. It's a bit different for us as we home educate, so our children don't have that disruption, only the moving on from friends, but they've coped just fine. We've just bought a house in the latest county, and plan to stay here, so they can set some roots now. As long as its handled well, and it doesn't sound like you've actually moved far from each house, I wouldn't worry.

I would see no problem with what you have been doing. It is only those who have never moved around, who would say it's a bad idea. Children can adapt to most things. I moved around with children several times when they were young, once to the USA for three years. My son started his schooling in the USA, but three years later, he had no problems going to the school in the village where we lived afterwards.

My parents did this when I was a teenager and I fucking hated it. They both had full time jobs too. So we lived in a half finished or crappy house which was unpleasant to live in loads of the time. And they were mega caught up in the projects all of the time.

It is only those who have never moved around, who would say it's a bad idea

Absolute rubbish, at least read the thread. Several posters on the thread who experienced this, have said they found it unsettling and didn't like it.

My parents moved a lot when I was growing up- always trying to better their lot, always trying to achieve more for our family. They ended up quite wealthy with all the money from being very savvy with moving house and managed to provide and make a comfortable life for us despite the fact they had pretty badly paid jobs purely from moving. Every weekend we’d go and look at houses although my schools always stayed consistent. Never did me any harm, I enjoyed the excitement.
Now I’m an estate agent I clearly caught the bug!