AIBU to tell a friend with anxiety I can’t cope with having her to stay again?

[Partygal]

I thought she was a lovely person until she stayed before. Then I saw a whole new side of her. When she mentioned she has anxiety the penny dropped.

She was rude to me on a couple of occasions. Her worrying over the slightest thing did my head in. I don’t think she has a clue how neurotic and selfish she is.

I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who keeps asking how she looks before we went out for the evening. She changed three times until I insisted we got going. When I said I was tired and wanted to leave the nightclub we were at, she said she wanted to stay on. I had given my two friends who were staying a key and asked her if she had it, so she could let herself in when she came back. The response was tears welling and “I can’t get a cab home on my own’ - the taxi rank is over the road from the club we were at. She insisted that my other friend and I stay out with her.

She has asked to stay again a couple of times, and I have made diplomatic excuses. Then she asked again this week, and I used the Mumsnet standard reply, “it doesn’t work for me.”

She’s just rung and asked me if we could fix a date for her to visit, she says she “needs” some time away.

She’s not staying again. She makes me uncomfortable in my home and I’m not having that. I’m not a doormat for her to be rude to when she’s having an anxiety attack. I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who can’t take responsibility for herself.

I might sound like I don’t like her, but I do. I know she can’t help it, and I want to support her. However, I am going to have to be honest and say why she can’t stay. Any help on how to do this would be appreciated.

There is no way to tell the truth and retain the friendship. So either make up an un-counterable lie, or tell the truth bluntly and perhaps she will make the effort to change (but not likely).

I hope it works out as you wish OP.
You need to be careful of 'friends' when you live in a tourist area :)

OK, I see you have replied to her...fingers crossed!

I would have gone for
"LOL friend, I love you to bits, but I'm not calm enough to deal with you when you are getting yourself wound up - we could end up spontaneously combusting. I'd love to to see you, but could you stay with XXX? Then we can have a great time, and I can go home and chill and you can be as excitable and stressy as you like"

"Well, yes, we can arrange a date, but truthfully you were very rude to me last time you stayed, and frankly I can't cope with having to stay in a club when I want to go home, just because you don't want to take a taxi home on your own. I'm really sorry, I like you a lot, but it's not particularly enjoyable for me, for those reasons. Can we talk about how we might deal with things like that? I mean, if you want to stay out and I don't, can it be understood that I will go home when I want to and you will have to get a taxi on your own with no hard feelings? Likewise, if you have to keep changing because you're not sure what to wear that you either start getting ready earlier or I go on ahead?"

Alternatively, you could have her stay, and deal with incidents as they occur.

"That was rude."
"I am going home now, if you want to stay then stay, you have a key and the taxi rank is there. Yes you can get a cab home on your own, you're an adult."
"You look great. That's a fab dress, I love it. No I'm not going to wait for you to change, you look great as you are; I'll go on ahead then." etc.

Until I read your update OP, that you've already messaged her, I was going to suggest something similar to Jux. Allow her to come once more, and only for three days, but gently pick her up on her behaviour every time and don't let her dictate what everyone else does, when and how. You've seen now what she's like, and forewarned is forearmed.

Either she'd change her behaviour, in which case you keep the friendship or she wouldn't want to come again.

I agree with many PPs here, some people with anxiety (not all) have decided that the only way to control it is to have everyone else behaving exactly as they want them too. Anxiety isn't a personality trait, but wanting to control everyone all the time is.

Well done for tackling this head on, OP. Refreshing to read. It’s a kindness to be honest and explain how someone’s behaviour harms you rather than just take the (valid) easy road and slink off quietly. At least this way she has the opportunity to correct her behaviour for the sake of future relationships.

Let us know how it goes down.

Some of it is her anxiety, but the rest of it is selfishness.

Wanting to get changed three times: anxiety.

Wanting to stay at a club, at the inconvenience of everyone else: selfishness.

Just concentrate on the selfish things she did as to the reasons she cannot stay again.

Sorry, only just read update x

I only got to page 3, before I got pissed off with the virtue signallers.. why is it more important to some that OP sacrifices her own happiness, and should feel anxious about a situation, just to appease friend who is also apparently anxious but is really a pain in the arse and potentially just "claimed" anxiety first?!

I hope it works out for you OP.

Trying to explain to people in their 50's not to be crying because they can't stay later in a club is beyond friendship for me.

I would have absolutely zero interest in trying to explain to someone how utterly unacceptable this is.
Not my job to fix people in their 50's.

Same with pushy people who don't accept "that doesn't work for me".
I think someone who doesn't accept my boundaries and keeps pushing what they want, is a bit of a bully.

I have zero interest in being around that.

I think you sound like a really generous host, opening your home to friends on a regular basis.

If someone makes it seem as hard work as the OP's friend I would just dread it.

She may have anxiety but she sure sounds tedious and just too much like hard work with it.

Not everyone has the time, energy and interest to be fixing people.

Some of us have enough work to do on ourselves, without having to fix those around us.

There really are some incredibly nasty and unfeeling views towards those who have mental health struggles among some people who post on here. (I don't mean the OP.)

No wonder mental health is in crisis.

Not all people with anxiety are saints though Bringincrazyback. A lot of people on here, including myself, who have had issues with anxiety in the past, have been v sympathetic to the friend's anxiety but not to her poor manners.

The incident about wanting to stay late at a night club when your host wants to head home, and not taking "no" for an answer when asking to stay in a friend's home. Those are both examples of rudeness.

I've got a lot of anxiety issues, and if I were your friend I'd prefer someone to say to me, mate, the intensity of having you stay isnt good for me.
I'm not sure if you realise it, but as an anxious person, you're quite particular about the way things are, and the way you like things are exactly the opposite of how I like them. I love you, but I dont think either of us are comfortable with each other in that situation and it's best for our friendship that we dont stay at each others homes for days and days.

She does sound hard work in the respect that she pushed to stay, but also pushed to have her fears taken care of. That situation is atleast 50% of her wanting her own way, because I and many others with anxiety would probably not want to inconvenience someone who's home were staying in by keeping them out longer than they'd want to in order for me to stay out, and have the company on the way home

Alternatively, you could have her stay, and deal with incidents as they occur.
Jux:

"That was rude."
"I am going home now, if you want to stay then stay, you have a key and the taxi rank is there. Yes you can get a cab home on your own, you're an adult."
"You look great. That's a fab dress, I love it. No I'm not going to wait for you to change, you look great as you are; I'll go on ahead then." etc.

THIS, if you do consider having her to stay! I don't think that you should give her a list long after the event of all the things that she did wrong on the previous occasion: that could be upsetting to anyone, especially someone with anxiety. But if she does come, it's a good idea to be very direct about what you need and want, rather than end up as a doormat and simmering with resentment about it (a mixed metaphor, I realize!)

But you are not obliged to have anyone to stay at all. During the pandemic, you shouldn't in any case. Afterwards, you could just say that it's 'not convenient at the moment' or that the pandemic got you used to social distancing, and it will take you time to lose your habits of isolation, so you're not having people to stay at the moment. The latter will doubtless be true of lots of people!

Did you get a reply OP?

No she seems to have got the message.

YANBU (or YWNBU as you've already emailed her!)

I've had issues with anxiety almost all my life. It's not an excuse to behave like a knob, as a PP said upthread, nor to demand that others dance to my tune. I've been grateful when friends have appreciated how I feel sometimes and made allowances but there's 'friends making allowances' and 'taking the piss'.

Ultimately it's up to her to manage her issues. I had a housemate who was rather similar - always keeping others waiting so that she could get changed again, deciding she must have a shower every time we were about to leave the house, rocking up late to meals but demanding that everyone else move seats so she could sit where she felt comfortable, making everyone wait to order while she interrogated waiters or asked chefs for off-menu things. It never seemed to occur to her to, say, get to the restaurant early or speak to a chef in advance in order to manage her situation, and any suggestion that she was perhaps being a little unfair on others was either met with a "Oh, what am I like?!" and a giggle, or a guilt trip on how she had problems.

Either way, it was exhausting and it only got (much) worse over time. I've quietly dropped the friendship.