AIBU to tell a friend with anxiety I can’t cope with having her to stay again?

[Partygal]

I thought she was a lovely person until she stayed before. Then I saw a whole new side of her. When she mentioned she has anxiety the penny dropped.

She was rude to me on a couple of occasions. Her worrying over the slightest thing did my head in. I don’t think she has a clue how neurotic and selfish she is.

I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who keeps asking how she looks before we went out for the evening. She changed three times until I insisted we got going. When I said I was tired and wanted to leave the nightclub we were at, she said she wanted to stay on. I had given my two friends who were staying a key and asked her if she had it, so she could let herself in when she came back. The response was tears welling and “I can’t get a cab home on my own’ - the taxi rank is over the road from the club we were at. She insisted that my other friend and I stay out with her.

She has asked to stay again a couple of times, and I have made diplomatic excuses. Then she asked again this week, and I used the Mumsnet standard reply, “it doesn’t work for me.”

She’s just rung and asked me if we could fix a date for her to visit, she says she “needs” some time away.

She’s not staying again. She makes me uncomfortable in my home and I’m not having that. I’m not a doormat for her to be rude to when she’s having an anxiety attack. I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who can’t take responsibility for herself.

I might sound like I don’t like her, but I do. I know she can’t help it, and I want to support her. However, I am going to have to be honest and say why she can’t stay. Any help on how to do this would be appreciated.

Just tell her about the incident at the nightclub and her attitude problem and say it made you feel uncomfortable and don’t think it’s appropriate for her to stay as it stressed you out last time.
No point beating around the bush, might as well be honest.

As per usual the MN brigade out in force to slag off a serious mental health issue. She is selfish, rude, self absorbed and bossy? FFS.

If you do not want her to stay with you again then don't have her stay.

But why the repetition of the 'woman in her 50s' comments like anxiety does not affect all age groups?

Yanbu not to have her stay again, YABVU to make the comments you're making, you clearly don't understand mental illness if you believe it's an issue of maturity. Also please don't tell her it's because you can't cope with her, why make things worse for her and give her more to panic about? Also maybe you need better coping skills if you can't deal with what you described, I don't see what's difficult about just some reassurance etc, if you choose to have a friend with mental illness you deal with these things, if you can't then it isn't the mentally ill persons fault and doesn't mean they're wrong. Make sure not to make her feel like a burden, have some empathy, it sounds like she suffers badly enough already.

And anxiety is horrible and debilitating and can make people act irrationally. I know - and I am woman approaching her 50s.

She sounds really controlling. She's clearly not anxious about upsetting you, is she?

Also 'I thought she was lovely until she stayed' so having mental illness means someone isn't lovely.. I didn't realise anxiety and other mental illness was part of someones personality and morals? It isn't. It's mental illness. Please educate yourself because your attitudes belong in the past. I cant believe anyone in this day and age has so many shocking and ignorant attitudes towards the mentally ill.

Merryoldgoat

Be honest and clear, but not unkind:

Susan, I don’t think you visiting again is good idea. I found your last visit really stressful and didn’t enjoy myself and I’m surprised you did to be honest. I just don’t think our personalities mesh well in that kind of situation. Sorry if this is disappointing for you.

The reality is she’ll take it badly either way so your friendship is effectively over so try to do it in a way you can feel good about yourself.

I think this is the best approach. It's honest but kind and clear. Maybe it will send her wild anyway, since she seems like a very demanding person, but all you can do is speak your truth.

I disagree that this woman is not trying to make a fuss. She’s manipulative. If she was so anxious about getting a taxi on her own she would have left the nightclub at the same time as the OP instead of ‘insisting’ that everyone else stayed.

OP you need to accept that if you tell your friend why she can’t stay, she may be sad or offended. That’s perfectly ok, but you aren’t going to be able to find a way to say difficult things to get that don’t sadden, upset or offend her at least to some extent.

Anxiety isn't a 'personality'...it's an illness just like any other illness.

The examples you've given don't sound that bad. It just sounds like you don't want to be friends with her.
Do you still want to socialise with her? If you do, could you have her over but just have dinner and drinks at home?
If you don't then your options are either to tell her that your personalities clash and you don't want to continue the friendship m, or ghost her.

Be straightforward but kind, as in the message above. That’s all you can do. Yes, she’ll take it badly, but anyone would.

Then don’t worry about it anymore.

You can suffer with horrendous anxiety and still not manage to behave like a knob. Agree to tell her that it just didn't work for you when she stayed and you'd rather meet with her away from home so you can both do your own thing.

I also have several manifestations of mental illness myself, but it doesn’t prevent or excuse me from also behaving selfishly or badly on occasion. It not a get out of jail free card. Selfish, manipulative behaviour is still bad behaviour even from the mentally unwell and it is ok for others to name it.

She sounds like a complete PITA.
You have to be blunt and say no.

Does she actually have anxiety? A lot of people self diagnose/self label these days with anxiety....depression...when they don't actually have it. However to hold that label sometimes absolved them of responsibility for various things, including bad/unreasonable behaviour.

The nightclub thing. If she had anxiety, would she not worry terribly about putting you out and causing friction and therefore just go when you said you wanted to leave? Not demand and make a big scene so that she could get her own way.

Sometimes you just need to be entirely honest with people. I've learnt that pussyfooting around issues is terribly stressful and puts a lot of responsibility on you.

I don't think what you've mentioned is anything g major...I thought you were gonna say she crept in your bed and spooned you in the early hours. She had anxiety ffs you're meant to be her friend I'm the same before I go out I worry what I look like change again etc so what?! If you don't want her to stay though that's fine just say.

I know a couple of people who suffer with anxiety, one of them being my best friend. She can be extremely selfish, I don't know if she realises she is or not, but it can be draining. She also doesnt like /can't get into a taxi on her own so we end up going passed my house so she can get dropped off first. I have started to realise that she acts this way because everyone around her allows it. If I insisted I get dropped off first, what would she do? She would have to carry on in the taxi on her own or walk. Maybe next time you go out, do things your way, let her deal with the situation like she makes you deal with it. Good luck op, I know how stressful it can be. Xx

Do you go and stay with her, ie is it a two-way arrangement? If she has dreadful anxiety, I'm imagining maybe not?

I would write down everything you want to say. That way you can formulate your reasons and put them in a considered way with the appropriate careful language. Try to think of every counter argument she might have, ie why is she being "singled out" or whatever. Only then let her know, by email or phone call. When (if) she argues, repeat again and again.

You obviously don't want to hurt her, and I sympathise. I think you might need to be prepared for this to be very awkward. Good luck.

She sounds more selfish and manipulative - When I said I was tired and wanted to leave the nightclub we were at, she said she wanted to stay on. I had given my two friends who were staying a key and asked her if she had it, so she could let herself in when she came back. The response was tears welling and “I can’t get a cab home on my own’ - the taxi rank is over the road from the club we were at. She insisted that my other friend and I stay out with her. so she guilt tripped you in to staying out. Thats really nasty behaviour

just tell her all this. Even if she was last person in the world, who would want to be a friend with someone so tedious?

you can just say you struggled to handle her anxiety and that she can book in a hotel nearby where u both meet up outside, which is the truth and sums it up... You dont need to mention examples unless she insists.

As per usual the MN brigade out in force to slag off a serious mental health issue. She is selfish, rude, self absorbed and bossy? FFS.

As per usual the MN brigade out in force to slag off poor behaviour as a mental health issue. Some people are simply unpleasant for no particular reason.

Just keep saying no, "anxiety" is no excuse to be rude and selfish and you are not her official carer.
In the past I would have put myself out for someone like this but having being taken advantage of for years with nothing in return I simply cannot be bothered any more.

Sounds like she wants everything her own way.

I had an ex 'friend' like that once. I went away for the weekend with her and another friend. She dictated our every move for the whole weekend. She kept going on about how fat she was (she was a size 10 and we were both size and like your friend changed her clothing) and redid her make up whilst we waited patiently for her. We couldn't go in some shops because she found them not to her liking but could go in ones she preferred and we would stand around waiting whilst she tried numerous shoes on - suggestion of splitting up and popping into our preferred shops and meeting up for lunch was met with but we are spending the weekend together.

Negative, moaning, joy sucker wrecked the weekend. 'Do you think that man fancies me? Do you think my stomach is fat? I am so lucky I have my mum's genes and I don't look my age like you two!" All wrapped up in saying she couldn't help it because she suffered 'anxiety' but sadly as we found out the anxieties were when it suited her narrative and she didn't want to do something.

Ex friend and glad to be away from that.Do yourself a favour and don't entertain her selfishness - she will suck the life out of you and make you feel bad about everything... move on - life is too short.

She sounds really controlling. She's clearly not anxious about upsetting you, is she?

FFS. What a disgraceful comment.