AIBU to tell a friend with anxiety I can’t cope with having her to stay again?

[Partygal]

I thought she was a lovely person until she stayed before. Then I saw a whole new side of her. When she mentioned she has anxiety the penny dropped.

She was rude to me on a couple of occasions. Her worrying over the slightest thing did my head in. I don’t think she has a clue how neurotic and selfish she is.

I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who keeps asking how she looks before we went out for the evening. She changed three times until I insisted we got going. When I said I was tired and wanted to leave the nightclub we were at, she said she wanted to stay on. I had given my two friends who were staying a key and asked her if she had it, so she could let herself in when she came back. The response was tears welling and “I can’t get a cab home on my own’ - the taxi rank is over the road from the club we were at. She insisted that my other friend and I stay out with her.

She has asked to stay again a couple of times, and I have made diplomatic excuses. Then she asked again this week, and I used the Mumsnet standard reply, “it doesn’t work for me.”

She’s just rung and asked me if we could fix a date for her to visit, she says she “needs” some time away.

She’s not staying again. She makes me uncomfortable in my home and I’m not having that. I’m not a doormat for her to be rude to when she’s having an anxiety attack. I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who can’t take responsibility for herself.

I might sound like I don’t like her, but I do. I know she can’t help it, and I want to support her. However, I am going to have to be honest and say why she can’t stay. Any help on how to do this would be appreciated.

Is she really anxious though, or is she a controlling person. She didn't want you to leave the club but not happy to cross the road and get in a cab to come home safely - wanted you all to stay despite your tiredness... I would argue that isn't anxiety it's selfishness.

I don’t think this woman has anxiety as such. She sounds manipulative and controlling to me! She couldn’t get a taxi home on her own and wanted to stay out so turned on the tears. That doesn’t sound like anxiety to me!
She kept asking if she looked alright and changed outfit 3 times. That doesn’t sound like anxiety either. Just a selfish, self absorbed person.
Managed to travel to OP on her own without anxiety.
And before anyone jumps. Yes I do know what anxiety is like. My DH suffers from it.

I agree with others saying try pointing out politely that her anxiety has a negative effect on you. I have an ex-friend with anxiety and for months I tried to be nice and made allowances for her behaviour because of this. In the end, it got to the point where I just didn't have the energy or enthusiasm to deal with her anymore and the friendship ended slightly unpleasantly. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had called her out on her behaviour earlier. The friendship might still have ended but it would have saved me months of stress. Alternatively, I might have been able to make her see that she the impact that she was having on me and the friendship might have continued.

And before anyone jumps. Yes I do know what anxiety is like. My DH suffers from it

You clearly have no fucking idea. Your ignorant comments make that very obvious.

"She sounds really controlling. She's clearly not anxious about upsetting you, is she?

FFS. What a disgraceful comment."

Why is it disgraceful?

It's true. She didn't worry about upsetting the OP. Why is it wrong to point that out succinctly? Or is it the bit about her being controlling that's disgraceful?

SHE is clearly causing YOU considerable anxiety though isn't she? Anyone can see it from your post. Tell her to take counselling for her condition and hope she gets better. Let her know you do not have people to stay any more as it doesn't work out for YOU and causes you a lot stress and worry.( Also you are not an hotel).
Furthermore you really do not like this woman - but don't need to tell her that!

I give up. This thread is offensive to those of us who struggle with this illness day in day out.

This is the reason why I keep my mental health struggles completely to myself.

Do you live a great distance from all of your friends, op? Why do so many of them stay in your house?

YANBU to not have her to stay because of the effect it has on you.
YABU to not understand that whatever age you are, anxiety is crippling. Reliance on and reassurance from others goes through the roof. She’s not doing it to be a pain

You could say, because this will be helpful for her in her other relationships, that you found her too much like hard work and made you uncomfortable in your own home.

In my (and my DCs) friendship group, the unwritten rule is whoever you're staying with (or whoever is driving) gets to call the shots about leaving. There is no making people do anything when they're tired.

But all the "does this look ok?" stuff would have got very old with my by the 2nd outfit and I'd have insisted that we leave. But that's more because i hate being late.

The best way you can support your friend is by keeping your own bounaries secure in a calm and consistent way. This will help your friend indirectly as she will see this (though not necessarily think it consciously) and it models healthy relating. You are handling this very well by recognising that you cannot enable her and take responsibility for her.

I wouldn’t say why to be honest. The time to have tackled her was when those incidents occurred. Doing it now will feel like a character assasination that she won’t recover from.

Just tell her no sorry.

You could say, because this will be helpful for her in her other relationships, that you found her too much like hard work and made you uncomfortable in your own home
Yeah crack on OP! That won’t backfire and make her anxiety worse!

@ducksback i have anxiety too, and when it kicks in, i can appear rude cuz i'm struggling to control it, but i quickly return and try to make up for it... That lady doesnt appear to be trying... My anxiety will never dictate to other ppl what to do with themselves, if they want to leave the club i'll leave with them. I know that anxiety is different in different ppl, some have better control, i dont expect her friend to act the same as i do... But she's clearly using anxiety as an excuse to dictate her ways... Since when was anxiety about that????

Yes, just tell her you can’t have her to stay because it gives you anxiety and you’re so glad to know she’ll be understanding as a fellow sufferer.

I give up. This thread is offensive to those of us who struggle with this illness day in day out.

@ducksback i'm sorry that the thread is upsetting you, but there really do seem to be two problems here.
If we assume that the anxiety is real (in the OPs friend, not you) how would you have behaved in the club? insisted your friends stay even though they were tired? If you would - do you recognise that's dick behaviour and nothing to do with anxiety?

I think that it is good when we can all be upfront with each other but having anxiety doesn't mean you get to dictate what everyone else does to the point they are uncomfortable.

Hi Ducksback.

Some people suffer anxiety - mildly or severe and it can be debilitating. My son suffers extreme anxiety and he struggles to leave the house. However he isn't mean or nasty or manipulative of others as the OP's friend has been. Some people are manipulative and use anxiety as an excuse.

Everyone that says they are anxious isn't. We all have some anxieties whereas for others it is extreme - as my son finds and yours may be (i don't know you so no idea). However, I perfectly understand that the OP's friend has caused her anxiety in her apparent selfish behaviour - an example of not wanting others to go home, refusing to use a tax's and turning on the tears to make others stay out with her at a club - sounds pretty manipulative and the sort of behaviour a selfish person might demonstrate.

Viewpoints/opinions on an example given by OP but I am sure most people will understand that many people have genuine anxieties. This example does not mean that your anxieties are not genuine and no reflection on anyone else with anxieties.

She insisted that my other friend and I stay out with her. YABU for this. This was your opportunity to set some reasonable boundaries - she doesn't get to insist what other adults do.

I think PuppyMonkey has a good idea there - I would go with that. But, as PP have said, I wouldn't bother doing/saying anything until it's actually an issue - could be 2021...

I agree with posters who have said that now is not a great time to have that conversation, because you don't have to; you can just say you're not making plans because of the cv.

But if you really want to have that conversation (e.g. because you want to be able to make plans with other friends and want to pre-empt any weirdness on your friend's part) there are several good suggestions here for how to frame it.

YANBU not to want to go out with someone who stresses you out and behaves selfishly. It's OK to hold our boundaries and OK to avoid interactions with our friends which show them in their worst light. It's also OK to choose which friends who have to stay and which you don't. You don't have to cut off a whole friend group just because one person is not fun to have over.

YABVU to expect anxiety to decrease with age. I have anxiety, as does my father, in his 80s. It's a chronic condition that people have to manage. But if I can't do something it's on me, not on my friends, to manage it. If she can't get in a taxi by herself then she needs to leave when everybody else wants to leave. Likewise, you don't have to stay out because she cries and says she's anxious; it's fine to say that you're sorry she feels anxious about getting a taxi, but you want to leave now so it looks like you're all going to have to go home.

If you're really looking for kind ways of having the conversation, and you do like her company, then I'd focus on how you would like to interact with her in the future, and make plans for that.

That didn't read right - everyone that says they are anxious isn't - what I meant was that everyone that says they are suffering from anxieties doesn't suffer to the same extent - some use it as an excuse for bad behaviour - my ex friend did that.... she didn't suffer her anxieties when it suited her not to just when she didn't want to do something we did... that bar would make me anxious - but that bar wouldn't, it was more controlling and getting her own way which I get but selfish rather than driven by anxiety.

I would email and say that if she needs time away she might want to consider these local hotels
Since you can't use the 'I'm antisocial and I don't like people in my space' get out
There isn't really a way to let her down gently is there 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think you are right to tell her the truth in as nice a way as possible. You have tried excuses and she keeps asking. I would maybe go down the activities route, that you aren't really up for clubbing etc. Although she may suggest doing something else.

Not wanting to get a taxi on her own is fine, but in that case she needed to compromise and leave with you earlier than she wanted. It's not fair for her to have it all her own way. It's also a bit selfish to say she needs to get away etc, rather than asking you if she can stay or even inviting you to hers.

Hi OP.

This is a tough one if you want to remain friends. No matter what you say, if she does have anxiety, anything you say could possibly be taken to have more meaning than you intend (catastrophesing and spiralling common things with anxiety)

Perhaps tell her that while you enjoy her company, you found staying together n your home a bit stressful as you both have different ideas about staying together, that you prefer earlier nights and being timely are important to you. If you want to remain friendly with her, perhaps suggest she books into an Airbnb or hotel and you can meet up to go out but each able to return to their own space. You can refer to the delay going out because of wardrobe changes and the late night at the nightclub if she pushes

ducksback

Whether her anxieties have made her controlling or her not being able to control every situation has made her anxious is hardly the point. She is controlling and acts anxiously and professes to having anxiety. I don’t think op had been so very lacking. She just doesn’t wish to people please again. Saying not to more visits is a very good boundary from her perspective. Do you think she should continue then even though this woman trashes her boundaries?

"As per usual the MN brigade out in force to slag off a serious mental health issue. She is selfish, rude, self absorbed and bossy? FFS."

As per usual, there's always holier than thou posters using mental health difficulties as an excuse for acting like a dick.

I come from a family with extreme mental health issues, I suffer from some myself - it's not a catch-all excuse to behave badly.

Shockingly, those with mental health issues can be selfish, bossy and rude just as much as other folk.