AIBU to tell a friend with anxiety I can’t cope with having her to stay again?

[Partygal]

I thought she was a lovely person until she stayed before. Then I saw a whole new side of her. When she mentioned she has anxiety the penny dropped.

She was rude to me on a couple of occasions. Her worrying over the slightest thing did my head in. I don’t think she has a clue how neurotic and selfish she is.

I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who keeps asking how she looks before we went out for the evening. She changed three times until I insisted we got going. When I said I was tired and wanted to leave the nightclub we were at, she said she wanted to stay on. I had given my two friends who were staying a key and asked her if she had it, so she could let herself in when she came back. The response was tears welling and “I can’t get a cab home on my own’ - the taxi rank is over the road from the club we were at. She insisted that my other friend and I stay out with her.

She has asked to stay again a couple of times, and I have made diplomatic excuses. Then she asked again this week, and I used the Mumsnet standard reply, “it doesn’t work for me.”

She’s just rung and asked me if we could fix a date for her to visit, she says she “needs” some time away.

She’s not staying again. She makes me uncomfortable in my home and I’m not having that. I’m not a doormat for her to be rude to when she’s having an anxiety attack. I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who can’t take responsibility for herself.

I might sound like I don’t like her, but I do. I know she can’t help it, and I want to support her. However, I am going to have to be honest and say why she can’t stay. Any help on how to do this would be appreciated.

her worrying over the slightest thing did my head in

Now take a minute to think what it does to her to live like that constantly. Oh and a lot of "women in their fifties" find themselves struggling with crippling anxiety. It's called the menopause, and some women go through it earlier than that, and if can cause serious mental health issues. Not everyone can have HRT, many are told to just lump it.

You're not her friend behaving the way you do.

When you step up you'll hurt her even more. So take some responsibility yourself and say no. Then step away. She doesn't need people like you every bit as much as you, very clearly, don't want her in your life.

I understand your friend suffers from anxiety which must be awful for her, but to me she sounds plain rude on top of that ifyswim.

Keeping you waiting and not wanting to get a taxi home alone could certainly be related to anxiety.

Wanting to stay late at a nightclub, inviting herself to stay, and not taking no for an answer...not so much!

What I don't understand is why her genuine anxiety doesn't extend to being anxious about not over-stepping the mark with you her host?

Do you want to stay friends with her?

Excluding her but including other friends might end the friendship however carefully you word your message.

Friendship doesn't seem the right word for what you have - so she is perhaps not too great a loss:

On the one side - her expecting that you all stay late just because she wants to isn't about anxiety (nor is insisting on a visit because SHE needs one , even though it is clear that you are not keen) -it is a lack of concern for your comfort/happiness. It is not the behavior of a caring friend.

On the other side, the anxiety behaviours - needing reassurance about clothes etc- might be a bit of a burden but surely not too big a deal if you are really fond of her and you understand this is a affliction.

If you are going to turn her down, I think the wording above is good. Just explain in a matter of fact way that you two get on better with a bit of space between you and that the last visit was not a success for either of you.

If you want to stay friends - then add an invitation that you do feel happy with ( a meeting for a day out or a trip to a hotel somewhere else).

Is she taking medication or having counselling for her anxiety?

I have meds which help me.

Until your neurotic friend saw the comment on Facebook you could have easily used the excuse that for various reasons having visitors no longer works for you.

So don't post on Facebook. It's not the law. Ask your other friends to keep any visits to you in the future private.

@Becca19962014 anxiety doesn’t excuse shitty behaviour on the friends part. As someone who lives with crippling anxiety, I’d hate to be the type of person that was causing such a negative impact on my friends and being manipulative and controlling with them. Anxiety is not a get out of free jail card, if you act like a shitty person you absolutely should be told that’s how you’re acting, regardless of anxiety. I suggest you take a look at your own behaviour, seems to me you’re a lot like OPs friend.

And btw, we absolutely do need people in our lives that’ll tell it to us straight. Anxiety only gets better if the mollycoddling stops.

Thanks for all your comments.

I should mention that I live in a popular tourist destination and rent out accommodation. However, I never ever charge my friends to stay with me. She even offered to pay to which I have said no.

There was more that went on than I am saying, I didn’t want to go into specifics. Sorry if I offended anyone on here, it’s just the way she is behaving is upsetting me.

I have now used some of your suggestions and sent her a carefully worded email. No reply as yet. If she kicks off I will block her.

I have bad anxiety, I would never turn on the manipulative waterworks to force people who are tired and want to go home to stay out with me. If she was truly that anxious about getting a taxi alone - she had options they just didn't suit her.

I worry about my clothes when I go out and am overly self-critical / change loads. You know my coping strategy if I'm staying somewhere? Do all of the stressing and changing before in the packing stages, if nothing else it forces me to accept what I'm wearing as I have option A and that's it when I'm there. It helps me.

If I'm rude to someone in the middle of a situation I find overwhelming I will explain and apologise when I am out of the situation and have composed myself as that's what anxious, but non-selfish people do.

Anxiety is not an excuse to behave rudely, it's not a free pass to manipulate other people and never be held accountable. If you were at high levels of anxiety 24/7 and never climbed down you'd explode. Anxiety is crippling, and it's too often used by people as an excuse for continuing bad behaviour they are fully aware of and just expect others to accept indefinatly.

Mentioning her age is relevant as whilst she may not be able to help her anxiety she is adult enough to be able to recognise her issues, have worked on / work on coping strategies and take accountability when she is behaving inappropriately - even if it's after the fact.

From what you've said OP she is either oblivious to her behaviour, intentionally manipulative or in denial. Either way you are right to speak to her about the consequences you are being left to deal with. Based on what you've said I'm not sure she'll take it well but here is what I'd say:

"Hi X, I appreciate you need an escape and some time away but your visit here last time really put a strain on our friendship. I value our friendship and really don't want to damage it by putting us both in a stressful situation again. You are welcome to visit but I don't think overnight is feasible. I'm more than happy to discuss if you'd rather speak about it face to face as things can so easily be misconstrued via text. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear but I need to be honest with you and don't want to make up excuses."

When you speak to her in person / via phone explain that she seemed overly anxious and as a result was really blunt / rude before you even left, and then when out you felt under pressure to stay out late when you were knackered as she A) wouldn't leave and B) wouldn't let you leave either or would start crying. That wasn't fair, can she see that? You didn't enjoy your night out as a result as felt forced into situations you were uncomfortable with and were never subsequently acknowledged or apologised for. Is she aware of how she was coming across? etc. Don't allow tears to stop her taking accountability, but do say you understand its maybe coming from a place of stress and not how you normally see her behaving. How is she reassuring you there won't be a repeat, or if there is what coping strategies is she working on to help her deal with her issues better? Can you help with recognising triggers etc. or have a signal when she has to go outside and get some fresh air for 10 mins till she's composed herself or something if she feels herself getting worked up and snappy? Either she agrees to work towards some help for her issues (which you support) or you put up some self-protection. Your mental health is important and you have value too.

"Hi Susan. Lockdown has been hard for lots of people, including me. I've had a lot of time to think about my own issues and realise I need to put mine first for a while. So I'm sorry, you can't come and stay."

@dontdisturbmenow it took me a very long time to understand and accept that my anxiety was the issue, not other people. I won’t pretend I’ve not behaved appallingly in the past when in the throes of anxiety, but at the time I genuinely didn’t realise that’s how I was acting. I was fortunate enough to have people in my life who supported me in getting help and realising how crappy I was treating people though. I think anyone who has anxiety really needs someone straight talking in their lives!

Off course she is selfish and manipulative. If she was truly anxious about being left alone, then she would have come home with you. But she manipulated you by crying about being left alone and guilted you. I think you should be honest with her as either way , your friendship isnt the same again.

When you were in the nightclub why not just say sorry but we want to leave either come with us or you have a key ( assuming you're other friend wanted to leave to ) the clothes thing isn't the biggest deal either , I'm assuming now than just these two incidents
But if she genuinely does have anxiety speaking as someone in their forties who has it never and in my twenties it can be hard and you don't always think and seek reassurance
Although personally nightclub I would of just gone home with everyone else if I didn't want to go in my own

Everything you describe sounds like selfishness and pushiness rather than anxiety. She may well also have anxiety, but that sounds like a nightmare.

OP
Sounds like you've done the right thing. In your situation honesty is definitely the best policy. Otherwise it would all just continue in the same vein and affect visits and relationships with mutual friends, especially if she sees they have visited you on SM.
I hope she understands and if not, well, that's her problem.

Just tell her that you cannot have ANYONE to stay unless the pandemic is over.

Until the pandemic is over, I meant!

People can have anxiety and be self centred. I had a friend with diagnosed anxiety disorder that unfortunately magnified a tendency already there to be entirely wrapped up in herself (I’d known her since we were children and therefore before her disorder fully manifested). Our friendship ended as it became very one sided and neither of us were having our needs met. Don’t have her to stay, it won’t be enjoyable and could end your friendship which you said isn’t what you want

OP, whatever you decide to say to your friend, I urge you to be kind. Anxiety can make people behave selfishly/unreasonably without meaning to, and they sometimes need to have this diplomatically pointed out to them. (I speak from personal experience here.) It's not at all OK for her to behave the way she is doing simply because of anxiety, but as you said you like her and want to support her, imho the best way to do that is via a truthful but sensitive conversation. If she reacts defensively/badly to that, you may need to re-evaluate the friendship, but give her a chance first.

Telling the truth is always the best thing to do,when dealing with many issues. Sensible people will hopefully take any comments on board,and understand things.

Can you say l am not sure l am able to give you what you are looking for - sounds like you are finishing with a boyfriend but she is obviously after some kind of comfort that you can't supply. As l get older l am learning my needs are as important as other people's needs and if l agree to something l end up dreading it.1

I've suffered with GAD and agoraphobia and been medicated for 15 years. I'm much improved nowadays, but can see I may have been hard work at times when I was more unwell. However I'm now very aware of the impact on other people.

Some people with anxiety problems can be rude and selfish.

Some people are selfish and manipulative but also suffer from anxiety.

They don't always go hand in hand.

She may have issues with anxiety, but her behaviour has been rude and selfish in the past, whether that's because of or regardless of her anxiety.

You do not have to see her or remain friends with her if you don't want to. If someone didn't want to be friends with me anymore I'd want them to tell me the truth.

I have sympathy for those with anxiety, I have it myself. It isn't possible to control what you feel, but I work very hard not to put it onto others, and I have short patience with those who behave selfishly because of MH.

I have a friend with very bad anxiety and she can be intolerable. She's a good and nice person but she expresses every single fear constantly and is demanding and snappy due to her anxiety. I have to choose carefully in what environment I see her, because of this. Once we travelled together and NEVER AGAIN. But in other situations she is not so bad. So no YANBU, don't put youself or her in that situation.

I’d go with @Merryoldgoat’s pragmatic message. @SeriouslySoDoneIn’s posts are also excellent insights from someone aware of the impact of her condition on others as well as herself.

Just remember you’re under no obligation to offer her free board when she wants a break. I live in a coastal place that’s popular with tourists but I’m very careful who I invite as this is my home and I’m not providing a hotel service. Anyone who treats it like one and is too demanding, doesn’t get invited back.

Can you say l am not sure l am able to give you what you are looking for

Ouch. Personally I'd advise caution with that one. I've had it said to me and found it incredibly hurtful, to the point where I wasn't able to get past it and that friendship is now no more. If something like that is said, I think it needs to be backed up by an assurance that although you can't be their counsellor you are still the person's friend, assuming you do still want their friendship. If you don't, I think there are kinder ways to cut loose from an emotionally vulnerable friend, without causing unnecessary hurt, than by saying this.