AIBU to tell a friend with anxiety I can’t cope with having her to stay again?

[Partygal]

I thought she was a lovely person until she stayed before. Then I saw a whole new side of her. When she mentioned she has anxiety the penny dropped.

She was rude to me on a couple of occasions. Her worrying over the slightest thing did my head in. I don’t think she has a clue how neurotic and selfish she is.

I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who keeps asking how she looks before we went out for the evening. She changed three times until I insisted we got going. When I said I was tired and wanted to leave the nightclub we were at, she said she wanted to stay on. I had given my two friends who were staying a key and asked her if she had it, so she could let herself in when she came back. The response was tears welling and “I can’t get a cab home on my own’ - the taxi rank is over the road from the club we were at. She insisted that my other friend and I stay out with her.

She has asked to stay again a couple of times, and I have made diplomatic excuses. Then she asked again this week, and I used the Mumsnet standard reply, “it doesn’t work for me.”

She’s just rung and asked me if we could fix a date for her to visit, she says she “needs” some time away.

She’s not staying again. She makes me uncomfortable in my home and I’m not having that. I’m not a doormat for her to be rude to when she’s having an anxiety attack. I can’t deal with a woman in her 50s who can’t take responsibility for herself.

I might sound like I don’t like her, but I do. I know she can’t help it, and I want to support her. However, I am going to have to be honest and say why she can’t stay. Any help on how to do this would be appreciated.

So she wants to visit as she needs time away?

No "was great to see you & I'm really wanting to catch up again"?

Sorry I found your anxiety really hard to deal with and I need house guest to be more independent for it to be fun for me too

When the time is right - explain that having her to stay didn't work for either of you as her anxiety significantly impacted both her and yours enjoyment of the trip.
Suggest an alternative - make sure to mention that you love spending time with her.

If she's a true friend, she won't blacklist you for wanting to enjoy your own space.

As someone who’s experienced crippling anxiety that did turn me into a neurotic selfish cow I possibly have some useful advice?

It helped me to be told directly that my anxiety was causing problems for someone else. I didn’t realise it was and I’m ashamed to say I didn’t accept it was an issue immediately either. But after a couple of days of thinking about it and being angry/upset the penny dropped. I’m incredibly grateful that someone I cared about had the guts to tell me how it was. She could have been a bit more tactful but the issues had built up for her and she was extremely blunt about it - but sometimes bluntness is needed.

If I were you, I’d say something along the lines of “I know you want to come and stay, however I’d like to have a conversation about your anxiety first.” And then factually state what ways her anxiety impacts on you. Keep emotion out of it as much as possible, let her know you understand her behaviour is caused by anxiety and not her trying to manipulate and control the situation, and make sure she knows you’re not judging her. But please do be clear that it is an issue and you’re unable to have her to stay until she works on it.

A lot of people with anxiety don’t realise that they’re impacting on other people, they also don’t realise their behaviour is manipulative and controlling. It’s not meant as such but it does end up being like that and it’s unpleasant for anyone who has to deal with it. Being direct really is the only way to put a stop to it.

Your nightclub experience could be a description of my cousin. She has anxiety but also an excellent knack of adding on a bit of emotional blackmail to get her way! Over time I've learnt to recognise which one it is, so I'm patient when she's worried about what she looks like before she goes out, but draw a line when she tries to make me feel bad for leaving.

Would it be better if you saw her but she didn't stay, so you have your own space? Could you say that you really fancy some time away too and suggest a weekend away with separate hotel rooms instead?

No matter what you say it will end badly and the friendship will be buggered. So, you either put her off as long as possible or maybe suggest you (and some others) book a hotel somewhere so she isn't in your home if you want the friendship to continue.

Sorry I found your anxiety really hard to deal with and I need house guest to be more independent for it to be fun for me too

"You know I love spending time with you and we should definitely organise a catch up/night out/fun trip asap - as for staying over at mine though, last time I found it really quite stressful and I'm not in the position to give the level of support that you'd be asking for so I'm going to have to decline that arrangement. I loved seeing you during insert fun trip here - shall we arrange something like that?"

Classic shit sandwich. You're fantastic - this is a thing I don't like - you're wonderful.

How can you be arsed with this person at all?

You shouldn't have her stay if you don't want to. But I also think you sound profoundly lacking in empathy and understanding. So maybe you're not a particularly good friend for your fiend to have. So would consider the future of the friendship.

I hate to tell you this but as someone with a serious disability and chronic pain who finds life really quite hard enough working full time and living on my own I do not have the energy left to deal with peoples issues and spend hours of my limited time off wondering how I can help them and putting up with what is quite frankly abusive behaviour.
Ditto anyone who has kids/husband/elderly family to take care of. They just don't have time.
I am never rude to my friends no matter how bad I'm feeling and if I am unable to keep my shit together on a bad pain day I simply don't go out and socialise.
You don't have to behave like OP's friend even if you have mental health issues, it's not obligatory. And it's also not fair to expect other people who are not your direct family to put up with it.

The outfit thing sounds very much like anxiety: extreme worrying about how she looks or will be perceived etc. The other stuff doesn’t. I would say to her that you would need to set some definite boundaries around another visit, using perhaps two examples. The demands for you to stay out because she didn’t want to get a taxi alone is a good one. Point out you understand that she has anxiety and would like her to understand that arrangements have to work for you as well as her.

her direct family not yours.

I suffer from anxiety and the part where she had to keep changing her outfit before going out and asking if she looked okay... I felt that. I've sacked off many night's out because of anxiety (including my own birthday night out) and trying on loads of different outfits and flapping is usually one of the symptoms of me having an anxiety attack.

However, I also know that I can be unbearable when I'm having an anxious moment. I can lash out, cry, become completely irrational... so I definitely feel for the OP. It can't be nice to be around me when I'm anxious.

I don't have an answer unfortunately. Your friend likely knows she can be hard work. I would probably try and be sympathetic and just tell her that you don't know how to handle her anxiety and so you don't feel like you're the best person to stay with, but that you love having her as a friend and would like to try and find an arrangement that would suit you both (like her staying at a local AirBnB or something)

Good luck!

I have a friend who gets nasty when everyone wants to go home and she wants to stay out

Just means we don’t go out with her anymore

It made any evening something to dread

I certainly wouldn’t have someone like that staying in my house

I think you mishandled the night club situation. You should have made it clear that she had a choice. Stay longer and get a Taxi home by herself, or leave then and share a taxi with you.

The over the top asking about her appearance also called for some tough love - yes you look fine - I'm leaving now.

And maybe you need tough love now - tell her she created anxiety for you last time she stayed and you won't be repeating it,

Being too nice can be harmful for both you and her. What are you getting from this friendship?

I think anxiety comes in many forms and I can see how it would lead to her need to control every situation.

That doesn't work for you so the problem here is how do you tell her why she can't stay without losing the friendship.

You do have some time so how about making it conditional. Start by saying you had a problem with her visit last time because she increased your stress levels. If she asks how, you can give the night club example but if she presses for more, say: You're doing it now. If she says she is better now (or sometime in the future), you might be willing to give it a trial run of one night and see how that goes.

In terms of the actual behaviour she was insecure in how she looked and wanted her friends to stay out later. It's hardly tye most dickish behaviour! Definitely just leave the friendship if this is too much for you.

Also the use of the word neurotic in a derogatory way says all I need to know about you.

@SeriouslySoDoneIn, what a great post. For once a post showing some self awareness rather than assuming all problems are generated by others.

Offering some advice encouraging honesty in skins but frank way. Very refreshing to read here. Thank you.

In my wider social circle the amount of people claiming anxiety is staggering. I have a friend who is refusing to go back to work as she suddenly suffers from health anxiety , another who refuses to drive anywhere and asks everyone to pick her up because she has anxiety about driving and parking . Another who won't host her turn in our book club because she had suddenly developed anxiety about having people in her house.
I know there are people who genuinely suffer from terrible anxiety but in my opinion there are a large trench of people who just use the term to avoid things they simply don't want to do.

I wonder here if people are replying as if this would be a text conversation...

E.g. 'I'm not in the position to give the level of support that you'd be asking for so I'm going to have to decline that arrangement.' People don't speak like that do they? So formally.

OP whatever you do I think this needs to be a phone call.

If you're struglling can you 'kick it into the long grass' - so just buy time and say you'll speak again in a month or so but can't make any plans at the moment.

Maybe just arrange to have a quieter night out? Ie meal then drinks then home.
Rather then going out out?
I get to a point in an evening and just want to head home. The idea of then going onto a nightclub for a few more hours would be hell. But I'd be happy for us all to come home and stay up chatting more over and people go to bed when they want.
Would changing the format of a meet-up help?

OP,

A difficult one.

People inviting themselves to your home is NoNo for me.

I think you putting her off a few times should send her a message.

Her continuing to insist she needs a break at yours would piss me off.

@Merryoldgoat
Good suggestion

Also sending her some local hotel suggestions is a good idea.
Again, hopefully she will get the message.

If she insists on not getting the message, and forces the conversation then just saying you didn't enjoy staying with you and you rather she didn't.

She will have forced this conversation, so bit it.

She sounds like hard work and I don't blame anyone for refusing to have "hardwork people" to stay.

It's your home, not a hotel.

One way or another you are going to have to address this, as it will be a recurring situation from what you have written.

YANBU - this would drive me mad to be honest but I agree with some others - she may take it badly. However, I feel you'd still be doing the right thing by not having her to stay!

Unfortunately, her anxiety has made her very selfish and unaware of how she behaves. I’m guessing that she lives alone and doesn’t have to consider other people very often. If she is insistent on planning a visit, you will have to tell her that her stay last time made YOU feel anxious and stressed.

I have a friend like this. She's always been hard work but I put up with it because I love her, but since her "anxiety" - in inverted commas because it's her term and I don't know if it's anxiety or something else - has increased she has been a nightmare house guest the last few visits and I've just had it.

YANBU to not want her to visit but I wouldn't explain why if you don't want an avalanche of emotion.