God, lateness really winds me up. Why are people so late?

[pointing]

If you're a late person, why?!

I can’t stand it either OP. I’m always on time I hate making people wait for me as I’m sure they have better things to be doing. There’s no excuse in my eyes!

So, this woman I know well, because we move in the same circles, is habitually late. After her divorce she met a guy online and they turned up early to an event I'd organised. They were in the cafe having a drink together when I arrived 15 minutes early. I commented on it & she looked really embarrassed and said she'd really needed caffeine & was out of coffee at her house. Fast forward to their wedding & she was late - I know, bride's prerogative- but there were several mentions of her lateness in the wedding speeches. It does get in the way of me having a friendship with her, to be honest. She has lost jobs through not being able to get there on time. I've turned up at her house to give her a lift to a meeting and she's left me standing in the rain while she finishes on her laptop - I can see this through the window. I asked if it was a job application and she replied that it was a post on Facebook. If I'm being anal, I just can't help it. To me this is rude. I just don't get it.

They are saying that the prevalence of ADHD is higher than previously thought - it could be up to 3% which seems a lot but is about one person in every classroom. Then consider it is highly genetic so ADHD children are being raised by ADHD parents. It is hard to teach skills to your children when you don't have them yourselves.

@NotPayingAttention ADHD impairs the brain functions which control executive function so in essence an executive function disorder is ADHD.

But people hate ADHD being brought up on these threads because it calls them out for being judgemental arses! So they claim ADHD is "just an excuse" without ever having tried to live with it themselves! Usually citing some example of one ADHD person that they know who was on time once, so obviously they can manage it every day then

I'm sure most people are familiar with the idea that doing something difficult once is not the same thing as being able to do it every day, but seem to have an empathy bypass when they encounter something they have no experience of.

*Something always pops up as I'm about to leave"

So ignore it and stop being so fucking rude.

I like to be punctual and i don't like waiting around for people. One PP said her friend was always late and insisted she wait outside for her because she didn't like going in a pub alone. If that were my friend I'd have told her straight up that i would wait in the pub or not at all.

I just don't wait for people who are regularly late. In my circle of friends we have one who is always anything up to 2 hours late. So we text her when we've all met up and where we're going, and if we move on we text again. Once she turned up as the last 3 of us were getting in a taxi to go hone. She always gets upset but none of us can be bothered with pandering to her lateness and miss out on things (as we did in the beginning)

I used to work at a place where i ran a weekly managers meeting where people had to report on their team's figures. After the first couple of times with people wandering in randomly i just locked the door when the meeting had started, and anyone who didn't report numbers to me reported them directly to the CEO. And nobody ever did that a 2nd time. Nor were they ever late.

Yes, things happen to everyone sometimes, but that's not the point. If they are any kind of friend, or responsible person, they'll inform the people they're meeting and people take it from there. Chronic lateness, though? nope.

www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-in-adults.htm

Having ADHD can make many things more difficult, but it doesn't mean that you are not intelligent, or that you can't get a degree, or that you can't be successful in any part of your life. Richard Branson has ADHD.

Wow, some really strong feelings about this, it seems. I'm one of those perpetually late people...not by much, usually 15-20 minutes. To me that's not even lateness really and I'm personally not bothered if I'm waiting that long for someone. But I realise others feel differently and I do genuinely try to be on time.
But, like others have mentioned, I always underestimate how long something will take/am optimistic I can get it done quicker, or something goes wrong along the way. I also lose track of time and can be disorganised.
I don't think my time is more important than anyone else's and I'm not intentionally being rude. And yes, I have missed trains and very nearly missed planes too.
I don't like being like this but at this point in my life I've accepted it's just how I am, and if someone sees it as a character flaw then they're free to not be friends with me or employ me. Luckily neither my employer nor my friends are bothered about me being 15 minutes late. I'm good at my job, it makes no difference whether I'm in at 9 or 9.15 and I'm always happy to stay a bit late or go above and beyond in other ways.
Tbh I don't really understand people who get so het up about precise time keeping. To me that seems more like a character flaw - uptight and inflexible.

@Overthinker1988 as you say you don’t take it personally if you’re keep waiting, but how often does that happen if you’re the habitually late one?

I don’t mean to make you feel bad but you seem quite dismissive of people who are annoyed by lateness. Try to think about it from their perspective. If you’re, say, waiting somewhere outside for someone and it’s freezing or raining, youre waiting there for 20 minutes and it turns out they’re just late for no real reason - would that not annoy you? And if it’s not just a one off, it happens constantly just because they don’t track time well, would you really not mind waiting 15-20 mins longer every single time? When you add it up that’s hours and hours people have been kept waiting.

I do believe that habitual lateness shows a disregard for your friends/family I’m afraid. And I don’t think that’s being ‘uptight’ or ‘het up’. There will be people who think get annoyed with you for doing it even it’s not intended to cause upset.

@NotPayingAttention I'm exactly the same. I find it so stressful to live my life on a schedule and to always have to keep an eye on the clock/time how long tasks are taking. If it's something where I absolutely can't be late like a flight/interview/a job where there's no leeway for lateness then I'll make it on time but the effort to do that exhausts me so so much that I can't then make the same effort for other "deadlines" on the same day. I'm loving lockdown because I don't have the pressure to be anywhere at specific times and can just do things in my own time. I've been so much more productive now that those added stresses are gone.

@Sparklesocks I'm sometimes kept waiting as some of my friends are even more late than me. Or, I do sometimes make it on time and the other person is late. It doesn't bother me because there's always something I can do to fill up my time - look at social media, read my Kindle, get myself a drink etc. I can't think of many situations where someone would have to wait in the cold and rain - if I'm meeting someone it's usually at a bar/restaurant/one of our homes.
I don't mean to be dismissive, but then lots of people on this thread have also been dismissive of those of us who are late and the reasons why it happens, not understanding that some people are just different from them and their brains are wired differently (even without ADHD, some people are just naturally more organised than others). I just refuse to be made to feel bad about how my personality has always been, so if someone is a stickler for time keeping then we wouldn't be friends because we'd just annoy each other.

I have noticed that people who are habitually late - from a control hungry ex boss, my attention seeking brother or my lovely best friend - don't change. Whatever their reason, whether genuine, narcissistic, just disorganised, etc, it's something that is in their personality like a sense of humour or emotional intelligence.

However, I can change my habits. I am the half hour early person - or wad. I have a few friends who are always on time so I am always on time for them. I am more relaxed with friends who always used to keep me waiting, and might sit and read whilst am waiting or plan to turn up 15 minutes late.... Took me a while to realise I could be late too, if I wanted....

I've stopped bothering to meet an old school friend because he would always be late. That's when he didn't cancel altogether at the last minute.

"I have never ever noticed this and don't think it's true of where I've worked or studied"

I have noticed to some extent. I've been in meetings where the chair has offered to go through everything the late person has missed. I find this very rude to everyone else who has to hear it twice and if I was the late one, would insist on that not being done.

"I hate it too. Worked with a chap who strolled into the office at 12 minutes past nine every day."

So what? I can see that if you work in a shop that needs to open at 9 or something, but in an office? Luckily, I've never worked somewhere where 12 minutes is an issue.

"I don’t consider 15 minutes late to come over to someone’s house at all! Its different someone coming over to meeting up somewhere."

I think it's actually rude to be bang on time to someone's house - your host might still be preparing.

"for those of you who don't mind being late, what do you think about if your friend is sat for 10/ 15 mins wondering where you are or if you've forgotten etc, what do you expect them to do while they wait?

I try not to be friends with people who don’t have the imagination to occupy themselves for 15 minutes."

I think this is fair. Up to 20 minutes waiting in a pub or cafe is fine. I start to get annoyed when it's gone 30 minutes. I get annoyed a bit earlier if we're having food and the late person saying 'you can order without me' doesn't really help as they will still need to order food and will annoy the waiter and be out of synch with everyone else.

I am a seriously punctual person, to the point where I get anxiety if I'm even a minute or two late. I was going to work the other day and my bus was late so I called at 9.55 to tell them I'd be late. The bus pulled up outside the store at 10am and I was at my desk by 10.04. Nobody would probably have even noticed or cared that I was 4 minutes late (especially as a one off) but I did. I needed to call because it is the polite thing to do - the second you know you will be late, let the other people know so they can adjust their schedules accordingly, don't wait till the point at which you should already be there to announce you are going to be late. Calling ahead is an explanation, calling when you're already late is an excuse.

What I can never understand with people who are chronically late is how they have got to adulthood without a) knowing how long their morning routine takes b) knowing how long their commute is c) figuring out how to add their prep time + commute time + buffer time (for errors/issues) to work out what time they need to get up to leave on time or d) remembering all the steps from waking up to getting to work.

A PP said she was late because she factored in time for a wash, but took nearly half an hour in the bathroom because she kept remembering things she forgot ... who forgets about basic hygiene/presentation?! If you brush your teeth every morning you know it takes 3 minutes. If you wash your face every day you know it takes 5 minutes. If you do your make up every day you know it takes 15 minutes. If you style your hair every day, you know it takes 10 minutes ... so why are you only factoring in 5 minutes to wash your face when you know it takes a minimum of 33 minutes to get ready?! That's basic common sense.

Its one thing if you never normally wear make up, or are trying a new hairstyle, as you can't know how long it will take until you've done it but if it's part of your every day routine then there is no excuse for not knowing how long it takes and planning accordingly.

To the perennially late:

Being late to an office job can and does matter especially where tasks are expected to be performed in a timely manner.

If you arent at your desk at the appropriate start time and havent had the courtesy to phone to say so, how do I know you are coming in at all? How long do I have to wait before I start reassigning your tasks to other people?

I had an asistant who was perennially late. It was a huge source of stress to me because I couldnt be sure he was coming in so I would end up starting tasks or reassigning them. He would then waft in and I would then have to go over with him what had been done already.

Got rid of him in the end.

Gosh, some people are saying they don’t even consider 15-20 minutes late?? Nice of them to be so dismissive of their friends’ free time.

I’ve just remembered a story about a friend I used to have. Always late, never texted/called to say he was going to be late etc one night there was a gang of us going out for dinner. No show by himself, no communication to say he was running late and he didn’t respond to texts asking if he was coming. So we eventually went ahead and ordered our food. We were finishing dessert when he casually strolled in. No apology and no acknowledgement. He asked for a menu and when the waiter came back he actually tried to order a starter and main course. The waiter raised an eyebrow and the rest of us laughed and told him we were not going to wait around for him to have his meal. He was quite gobsmacked to hear we all wouldn’t put the rest of our nights on hold to sit and wait for him to eat. It showed him up to be utterly self-centered and totally disrespectful towards others. That’s the last time any of us made social plans with him.

Drives me mad. I have a friend who is always half hour to an hour late. Prior to lockdown we were meeting at another friends house for dinner. Told to be there at 7pm. We were on our way when we received a call at 6.55pm from usually late friend, asking where we were - for once she had arrived early and was berating us for being late! We arrived at 7pm on the dot, I had to bite my tongue on that occasion, what a CF!

My husband is the one who is always late. He was late for our first, second and third date. My friends couldn't understand why I continued seeing him, but he had other good qualities, so...

I, on the other hand, am always punctual. So when we go somewhere it is always the same scene in our home - I'm waiting in the hall with kids (one year and five year) while he is still looking for his socks or sorting his hair. It has been a running joke in our house for years.

He actually doesn't think his time is more important then somebody's else, he is just terribly unorganized in every aspect of his life (apart from his work, he is always late there too but is pretty good at what he does so people tolerate him).

Cant stand it and no it's not 'anal' to be on time or want others to be.

Adhd and other factors aside. If you're late just because, then its selfish. Anyone can miss the bus, get stuck in traffic, get lost etc, but every time - nope!

Have had several perpetual late friends, one who thought nothing of turning up over an hour late, she genuinely couldn't see what the problem was. We missed dinner reservations and cinema trips.

I'm usually very punctual but also sometimes embarrassingly late. I am a musician and I have learnt to avoid picking up an instrument if I want to be on time because once I start playing I lose all concept of time and an hour can go by in what seems like 5 minutes. My dad taught me to be on time... He was in the Navy and apparently they are trained that if you are told to be somewhere at 0900 you aim to get there at 0855 ce rain or shine.
The other trick I've learnt in order to not be late is rather than aim to get there on time, I aim to get everywhere super-early and then just enjoy some quiet time to myself, reading, scrolling my phone etc. Basically if you are a bit narcissistic, change your perception of turning up early from it being a waste of your precious time to being a bonus period of "me time".
Of course, none of this works if you're depending on others to also be ready. I find we have a kind of escalating lateness in our household where I'll be ready to go but no one else is, so I'll start doing something else, then everyone sees me doing something else and assumes there is no urgency to leave. This carries on in an endless feedback loop until I scream "We're supposed to be there now and we haven't even left!“. Then everyone points at each other and says" I was waiting for him/her!“.

With some of the horrid attitudes here I think your ‘friends’ are better off without you anyway and it will only be of benefit for them if you cut them off for their entitled/controlling/rude/whatever you want to call it lateness. Particularly rolling my eyes at the ‘my life is too busy and important for me to wait for your entitled late arrival’ posts I’m not saying that it is not irritating when people are late, but many of you here are tarring everyone who struggles with this with the same negative brush without being considerate to what is perhaps a bigger picture.

Particularly rolling my eyes at the ‘my life is too busy and important for me to wait for your entitled late arrival’ post

Why? I have commitments in life, we all do - why is it out of order to say I dont have hours to wait for someone who cant be arsed to turn up on time? Its true. Should I be late picking my kids up from school due to some inconsiderate friend? late to work?

I am rolling my eyes that other people apparently have loads of time to just turn up to things when they feel like it with no consideration towards other people's responsibilities. Good grief- the entitlement is off the scale.