God, lateness really winds me up. Why are people so late?

[pointing]

If you're a late person, why?!

So, today I was late again as a chronically late person. I was 20 minutes late to work even though I was running on time. First I washed my face which should take just a few minutes but when I left the bathroom about 25 minutes had passed... I kept forgetting things I needed to do such as do my hair, get my food for the day and then had to go back because I had forgotten something... This is with trying to include strategies like multiple alarms, rushing etc

It’s not anal to be on time. It’s polite, shows consideration for others and that you give a shit about other people. It’s called having manners.

Lateness is one of those things, lots of different reasons for it. Its such a shame though that late people all get tarred with the same negative brush and are sometimes really truly hated and made out to be evil and wrong by the rigid inflexible never-late types.
I am always a few minutes late, always. No matter how hard i try to correct it. I dont like the results this gives me from other people. I dont like the upset it causes and how my day is then set off on a negative tangent early on because certain people around me are pissed off with me. Believe me I really try to the point it stresses me out quite badly. If i have an interview or need to catch a flight I will allow 2 hours of leeway time and will become ridiculously stressed trying to work to my 'pretend deadlines'. I have been arriving to the airport feeling in a panic attack, 3 hours before departure, still feeling I am late because I'm not there at the 3.5 hour deadline i set for myself, because I just can't work to my own deadlines and it really does stress me out!

If someone arrives 5-10 minutes late for me, even habitually, I don't feel the slightest bit of animosity towards them. It just doesn't bother me. I can never understand people who do get so wound up about it. They take it so very personally when its not meant as any kind of insult at all. Its not about you! I think that actually it is THEIR power trip, not the other way round.

If someone arrives 5-10 minutes late for me, even habitually

Oh this wouldnt bother me at all- 5- 10 mins is nothing.

I'm referring to people who are regularly 50 minutes- an hour late or even more. I now dont stay longer than 30 mins ish and then I leave. Its fixed the problem entirely!

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

I think this comes under a different category. If it's a friendly meetup and you're meeting in a public place on your own then yes would piss me off. That type of person though I think I'd just make allowances for, only actually plan that they will be there an hour after they've said they will and not even set off to meet them until I had a call/text to say they're there. I think its different mindsets and commitments. I still wouldn't take it personally unless I thought they really were trying to piss me off on purpose. In that case I wouldn't have many more friendly meetups with them

In that case I wouldn't have many more friendly meetups with them

I now just wait the amount of time thats comfortable to me and then leave. It seems to have fixed the issue as people know if they are that late they'll have a wasted journey. Also, as @russell says, I simply dont have the time to wait for hours as I have places to get to afterwards usually so I actually CANT wait longer than about 30 mins

It's down to not valuing or respecting you enough to pay you the basic courtesy of being on time. Its basically a f*ck you. It can be a need to feel important that someone is waiting for you too a lot of the time. If you're late & don't bother to text, I won't wait for you. I don't get why people who say 'I'm so disorganised' with a tinkly laugh, think I should find it endearing or 'quirky' either. I had a friend way back always late for lectures, who was really put out no one saved her the handouts always given out at the start. Why should we have? What made her so special?

@feelingfragile really people who are on time make you upset.
That's the time you agreed to meet though.
Being early can't be helped cause you have to give yourself enough time to get where your going.

Except if you mean hours early that's a pain in the arse alright.

@zscaler
*Because I am incredibly bad at estimating how long things are going to take me (even if I do them every day). It’s like chronological illiteracy.

I’m a lot better since I started setting multiple alarms when I’m getting ready / for five minutes before I have to leave etc but it’s a constant struggle for me and doesn’t come naturally at all*

This. This is the reason I'm always just a bit late. I missed a train to London once because of it, i was literally 2 minutes late and I really had no excuse. I tried so hard to get there on time as I knew the next train would be an hour later but 2 hours slower and would significantly cut into my enjoyment time which was already limited as it was only a day out.

Is this executive function disorder? Is that part and parcel of ADHD? Or can the two be independent of each other?

My boss is frequently late to meetings even now when they are online.

In her case it is arrogance. She will come into team meetings late and interrupt whoever is speaking to tell everyone that she's just got off a call she had to 'jump on to'. She will then talk over people, dominate every aspect of the meeting then call it to a halt early because there is another call she needs to 'jump on to'.

I am always on time and I won't entertain consistent lateness.

Also I work with children and young people with, in some cases, severe ADHD. Lateness due to disorganisation may be a feature occasionally but not consistently, so I'm not sure about that idea. They will also be on time if it's a school trip/sporting fixture so I know because I see it everyday that there's a degree of control.

@rayoflightboy
I didn't say it upset me, I said it stresses me out.

If I say come about 8ish, and someone arrives at 7.45 or knocks on the door at 8 on the dot, it feels very 'organised'. I hate being 'organised' or beholden to schedules, I do it at work but actively avoid it at home where I can.

So actually it's the opposite of wanting to be in control and all the other pseudo psychology being thrown about, it's about not wanting things to be controlled by me or anyone else.

However, I understand that not everyone thinks like this so accept (even though I hate it), that with certain friends and family I have to do things in a way which makes me feel uncomfortable.

Reminds me of an old friend. We would arrange to meet, I would go to her house because it was on the way from my house into town.

I would arrive at her house at the planned time, and she wouldn't be ready. So I would sit and wait. One time I arrived, she was 90% ready, 'great!' I thought.. but then she proceeded to take ALL her makeup off and start again because she wasn't 100% happy with it. I was so cross. It was my Saturday night too! So rude

I should add, being too early is rude too. My PIL routinely (before lockdown obviously) turn up 30 mins early. The first time I was naked and my DD had thrown my tampons everywhere.

Every other time since I have made sure to be ready an hour before they're due to arrive!

I'm always late but I certainly don't think my time is more important than anyone else's

Growing up, my Dad was like MIss Marks. He refused to rush to meet irrelevant deadlines, life was too short etc etc except I hated it. I hated walking into dance class 10 minutes late every time, I hated arriving at church and having to walk to top of church to fit in the middle of mass and most of all I hated hated him picking me up from my (to be fair) many activities and having other parents ask me every week if I was ok for a lift , did they want me to stay until he came etc he was laughed and use to say he'll get there when he gets there. He was a super Dad but now as a result I'm a punctuality Nazi and am never ever late (for anything)

@feelingfragile being hours early is as bad as being hours late.
I think if dinners in your house at 8.
Come between 8 and 8.15 is fine.
Coming at 9 isn't fine.

I think most people don't mind a little leeway but it's the constantly hours late people really get on my wick.

What's the point of arranging times to meet if it doesn't mean anything?
Being constantly late is bad because the world won't wait for you. Your friends might, because they like you, but irl you will piss off employers and miss classes and trains and flights. Most people don't have ADHD, they are just poorly organised and rude.
To the poster who had the barrister friend - I bet she's on time for court because that is important and there are consequences for not being on time. She's late for you because in her head you are not so important and can wait.
There's no way I'd tolerate someone bring two hours late for dinner. I'd tell them not to bother and my life would be better for it. To me, 15 minutes is reasonable unless you have a really good reason. Deciding to put the washing on or having not organised your children, isn't a good enough reason.

If I'm going to be late I would know about an hour before I'm due to leave so I would let the person know at that point. What drives me crazy is when someone lets me know they're running late after the time we've arranged to meet. A friend of mine is like this & it drives me crazy. She once text me when she was already an hour late to say sorry she's running late & she's on the way!!!!

It annoys me too. I know everyone can be late at times, and there are of course variables you can’t always control, but if someone is consistently late it does suggest a carelessness about the person/people they are meeting. If you work backwards from when you need to be somewhere and plan your journey (allowing a margin for traffic/train delays/queues etc) then you’ll pretty much always be on time bar a few unforeseen circumstances.

This refrain of “I underestimate how long things take” baffles me a bit. Someone posted earlier about her friend who is a lawyer, manages to be on time for court (because there would be major consequences if she was late and it’s important enough to her to make the effort to be on time...) and said that this friend is late for other things because she doesn’t know/can’t remember how long it takes have a shower, dry her hair etc- wtf?? So this woman is clever enough to get a law degree, learn all that needs to be learned for that but can’t learn that a shower takes 10 mins and drying her hair takes another 10 so add in getting dressed etc and maybe she should give herself 35-40 minutes in the morning, or 50 if she wants to do make-up unhurriedly and that’s how long it takes her get from bedroom to kitchen. She can then time how long it takes make and eat breakfast, add 5 minutes for something unexpected and would you look at that, she’s learned how long it takes from getting up to being able to leave the house. It’s not rocket science or even a difficult concept, particularly not for a lawyer. But then, seeing as she’s capable of being on time for work, it seems she can and indeed has learned how long it takes, she just doesn’t bother allocating the time when it’s something she seems less worthy. Nice friend.

*deems less worthy

@Yallreadyforthis said her and her son fit most of the traits of a possible ADHD diagnosis @ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother she didn’t say she’s self diagnosed simply because of lateness.

And actually it was me noticing my sons issue with timekeeping and food and doing some internet research that started the ball rolling on his and then my diagnosis, it can be any matter of innocuous things that trigger the thoughts of ‘I should explore this’ in a person. Less judgement might be helpful on the future.

@Yall I’ll happily send you a PM after the kids go down later if you fancy?

I think ultimately it comes down to the fact (excluding those with additional needs such as the diagnoses some PPs have discussed on here) that if they want to be somewhere on time they will. They will get to court/work/meetings/airports/appointments on time because it would have negative implications for them if they didn't. Casually rocking up an hour late to meet a friend who is waiting alone in a pub and just laughing it off as a cool or quirky character trait doesn't bother them so they don't care enough to make an effort. Then suggesting they don't like people who are on time anyway so wouldn't be friends with people like that just smacks of, if you're not prepared to wait until I can be bothered to see you, and be grateful that I show up at all, then I don't want to be friends with you anyway.

There are plenty of people who are late to court, work etc despite wanting to be on time.