God, lateness really winds me up. Why are people so late?

[pointing]

If you're a late person, why?!

@melj1213

I agree with you! It’s very easy for someone else to say casually well don’t worry about the money!!!
When you are on a tight budget that’s not possible to just “not worry” about it fgs. You have to be very mindful of what you are spending and whilst I will happily spend money on coffees with friends, spending money on coffees for me to sit in a coffee shop alone IS a pointless expense because I could have simply sat at home and make my own damn coffee so it’s waste of money to me.

Of course the other factor in lateness which I'm always whingeing about is mobile phones. In the 90s people were not late to meet you in town, in a pub etc, because they knew that if they turned up late and you hadn't waited at the agreed spot they might never find you. Now people relax in the knowledge that if they are late they can call and find out where you've moved on to.

Yes I absolutely agree that mobile phones are a big contributing factor to chronic unpunctuality. You can always let people know if you're running late, so it takes off the pressure to be on time at all.

The issue is meeting waiting somewhere for the sole purpose of someone who never shows. THAT is what causes me anxiety it’s not just being on my own

I feel the same. If I go to a coffee shop by myself I know I will be alone and plan accordingly. I go when I like, at a time to suit me, and if I leave later than planned then it affects nobody but myself. I
find a table in the corner, bring a book or a podcast, and just allow myself to relax in my own company. When I am done or if I start to feel anxious/uncomfortable - eg if it is busy and there are no empty tables and people are clearly wanting my table while I dawdle over the last couple of mouthfuls of coffee - I can get up when I like and continue with my day.

When I am waiting for someone, it is not relaxing at all. I try to ensure I have a table visible from/to the door so I can see my friend arriving, I then spend the entire time watching the door for their arrival or my phone for their latest message. I also rarely enjoy my drink as I am usually trying to make it last as long as possible in the hopes my friend will either turn up when I still have most of a drink so I dont have to buy another, or at least before I finish so that I dont have to sit too long without a drink especially if it is busy and people are waiting for tables.

I also hate having to get up from a table to re-order when im alone as I hate leaving my things unattended but I dont want to have to cart my stuff to the counter and risk my table being taken while I'm paying.

Additionally, I cant just leave when I like but after so long alone I start to think of all the other things I could have done in this time and start to resent the fact I was on time. "I've been sat here 30 mins, if I'd gone straight home when she said she was going to be late, I could have put on that washing, picked up that letter I needed to take to the post office (but forgot to pick up as I was busy trying to get out of t door on time), stopped to check if XYZ I've been waiting for is in stock at ABC shop round the corner and still been back here by now, but it's too late to leave now"

I like to get to places early and I hate being late, it seriously stresses me out. My DH, on the other hand, is only bothered about being late to work which he almost never is. Anything else and he’s really relaxed about it, even if I’m definitely not.

He likes to faff around before leaving the house. I can’t tell you how many times DC and I have been strapped in the car ready to go and he’s still pissing about in the house. He will swig a coffee, use the toilet, spend ages finding something etc. It irritates me to no end.

My boss uses the lateness to demonstrate how busy and in demand she is. She loves jumping from one conference call to the next. Will also happily ditch a team call because someone else is phoning her.

Well if you are not prepared to believe that people's brains and bodies have different abilities and challenges then there is little point in trying to explain it to you any further. I understand that a problem with Organisation and the concept of time may cause inconvenience to others. It is also a source of frustration to me, but I am not doing it deliberately to annoy anyone any more than a dyslexic person is reading slowly to annoy you or a wheelchair user is refusing to walk. Would you get angry with the wheelchair user if they couldn't keep up with you? Would you tell them it was easy and assume they were going slowly to control you or because they think they are more important?

I have 20/20 vision and can see into the distance without giving it a second thought. If you tell me that your experience is different, that this is hard and you struggle with it and need help, I'm not going to call you a liar just because I personally find this easy.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm sure that I am the one who suffers most because of my own disorganization, I am trying my best to find strategies that help and I don't go out much these days anyway so there aren't too many people for me to trouble and annoy.

I think comparing poor organisational skills to a physical disability which requires use of a wheelchair is very insensitive and misses the point which has been made here several times. If you are persistently late for some things but manage to be on time for things where the consequences would negatively impact you then clearly the poor time management is a choice and could be corrected if someone has the will to do so.

Well I explained before that people with ADHD may be late for all kinds of things and it's definitely not a choice. Certain difficulties are visible and some are invisible. What's insensitive about that?

You're displaying exactly the attitude that I am trying to challenge with the analogy. You wouldn't tell someone with a physical disability to just 'try a bit harder'.

People who need to use a wheelchair aren't selective about their mobility although if they could be I have no doubt they would opt for the convenience of being able to walk.

People with adhd can't just turn it off either, much though they might wish too.

Someone has compared being a late person to being in a wheelchair?? I’ve heard it all now

Drives me crazy when people are late,why say a time if you have no intention of sticking to it!!

My mum and my sister are late for everything. Everything. They were late for a blooming zoom call the other day!!

"Well I explained before that people with ADHD may be late for all kinds of things and it's definitely not a choice."

Yes. I have a friend with ADHD and I did become more sympathetic when he was late for a holiday flight.
The annoying this with him and another constantly late friend is that I am required to wait for them, but they won't wait for me. If I'm running late (to make a point, for example) they'll leave the pub or cafe to go around the shops so that when I arrive it's again me waiting for them. It's that kind of thing that gives the impression they think their time is more valuable than others'.

"They were late for a blooming zoom call the other day!!"

I wouldn't have any problem with this. A Zoom call in the evening or weekend in lockdown is not like being outside somewhere waiting for someone. You can just start later surely.

She shouldn'thave to just start later though. That's the point - they agreed a time and it's bloody rude to just not bother.

A Zoom call in the evening or weekend in lockdown is not like being outside somewhere waiting for someone. You can just start later surely.

Also nope. If you wait around for someone to come to a call you could have been doing something else. And when they do have time for you? maybe you had other plans.

And to repeat the point: people here (well, me but certainly most others i think) who are complaining about habitual late people aren't harping on at people who have, say, ADHD and can't control it. They're annoyed at the flakey ones who just don't care.

If I'm running late (to make a point, for example) they'll leave the pub or cafe to go around the shops so that when I arrive it's again me waiting for them.

TBH, if that happened once i may forgive it but i would be explaining in long and graphic detail that it is not to happen again. 2nd time would be the last time. Because sure, the ADHD does cause problems with being on time - but then not to wait for you? it's taking the piss.

You can just start later surely.

I had other shit to do. Wanted to get the dinner on and DS needed to get ready for bed. Why should I just sit around waiting for them when we'd already agreed a time

BTW my mum and sister most definitely do not have ADHD, they are just disorganised.

I read an interesting article once about late people being optimistic. So they say say or think, “leaving in 10”, and genuinely believe it - because they’re (too) optimistic about how long it will take to do the 3 things they have to do before they leave.

This earlier in the thread struck me as interesting. I think this is my DH. He will call as he is leaving town and say he will be home in 10 minutes. It takes a minimum of 15 minutes to drive home. I did try to explain to him once that keeping me waiting feels like disrespect, but I think he is like above and just doesn't grasp how long things take.

He has got a bit better with punctuality over the years living with me, but he would never be early for something.

I have friends like this, shockingly late. Funny though, they're never late for work.

My boss uses the lateness to demonstrate how busy and in demand she is. She loves jumping from one conference call to the next. Will also happily ditch a team call because someone else is phoning her

Yes I agree with this - I think some people think that if you are on time for meetings you are not busy enough.

I wonder if those who are always late manage to be on time to collect their kids from school/childcare/hobbies? If not your poor kids. Nothing worse than hanging around when everyone else has been collected.

The annoying this with him and another constantly late friend is that I am required to wait for them, but they won't wait for me

I find this too. When we go to my son's athletics sessions someone is always (a bit) late. Only by 5 mins or so, not big deal.

But the one time we were late (again only by about 5 minutes) they started without us and told ds to catch up! I was a bit p*ed off about that.