God, lateness really winds me up. Why are people so late?

[pointing]

If you're a late person, why?!

When people are mentioning lateness I think it’s based on experience from their own friends. It can actually cause fall outs it’s not nice just to be stood waiting, no call or anything there’s absolutely no need for that part at all. It’s down to Organization or lack of.
For those that are dismissing lateness some of us have a busy schedule some days and somebody being late can have a knock on effect so it’s unacceptable to be late on a regular basis.

I'm always early - I come from a family who will always be early for appointments, days out, etc.
It does irritate me if people are consistently late - a one-off is fine, twice still ok, third time I'm pretty annoyed.
I understand we all have unexpected problems before we leave the house, crappy journeys, etc but if those excuses are trotted out time & time again when there is a real problem, sympathy for them is very low. The boy who called wolf...

One cause I've heard of this is that it's about trying to get a feeling of control. I was complaining to someone about a friend doing it all the time , and that was the opinion of their mental health nurse mother.

I am always early to everything. Stresses me out to feel rushed or that I will be late-I'd rather be early and relaxed.

DH pretty much always on time but usually sliding in with seconds to go. I completely agree with the Optimist theory suggested by PP's. I find it very stressful. On the way out the door he will usually be in garden filling bird feeders.

if we are going to Heathrow I leave time for volcanic eruption on M25, plague of locusts, massive queues and gridlock on motorway.

DH assumes M25 completely empty, the airport check in queues part at the sight of him and we will be rushed through secret private security and whisked straight on to plane and served champagne and caviar.
He is def born under a star as somehow things do seem to fall into place for him although not usually the caviar

All the late people wouldn't be too happy if they where the ones left waiting constantly.

I had a friend like this.Constsntly late.Her problem was faffing.

If was picking her up,I'd often go over and she'd be only getting in the shower.
Or she would get off work,and yap to everybody in the shop,knowing she only had an hour to get ready.

It became too much Not friends anymore.

@MaxNormal
Poor executive function is a crap excuse. You can develop strategies.

Would you tell someone with a broken leg that they had a crap excuse for not being able to run as fast as you? Would you be angry with them? Would you tell them to just try a bit harder? No matter how many "strategies" they develop they are going to find it difficult to keep up with you. Maybe we could just make allowances for people with different strengths and challenges. I tend to assume that most people are just trying their best at life most of the time rather than going out of their way to upset their friends, employers etc etc.

@Rain1 I speak from experience here. It is possible. It's not the same as having a broken leg.

Would you tell someone with a broken leg that they had a crap excuse for not being able to run as fast as you

Nah sorry that excuse doesnt wash with me. If my habitually late friends were offered 50 million pounds but on the caveat they had to show up to an appointment on time, they would do it.
They also manage to turn up on time for work because they know they'd be fired if they were consistently an hour late.

Can you elaborate?

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter
People with ADHD do turn up late for work and do get in trouble. Often they go through lots of different jobs. Or they find one with flexitime or whatever. They DO miss planes, trains, doctors appointments etc and things that matter only or mostly to them. They often have a lot of shame and embarrassment around the fact that they can't organise themselves easily the way other people seem to do, so they wouldn't necessarily share all that with you, especially if you haven't been particularly sympathetic in your approach in the past.

As bad as late people are the people who take phone calls after you've driven miles to their office for a meeting . I've actually asked such people if they would mind if we "moved to a quieter room" , or if I meet them regularly whether we could agree a no phones meeting.

The people I am referring to dont have ADHD though.
I'm sorry but not every behaviour has to be medicalised. Some people just dont behave kindly. Thats it.

But you quoted me. I WAS talking about people with ADHD.

Well for people with ADHD I agree with you then.

But many people who are habitually late CAN change their behaviour and are just being selfish and thats really all there is to it.
As for the anxiety excuse- I get anxiety waiting for someone to show up- why should their anxiety trump mine???

Some people just don't behave kindly
How true.

Yup- totally. I remember arranging child care and going through a huge rigmarole to meet one of my friends. Took me ages to sort everything and meet up. He was 1.5 hours late.
I had to go after 2 hours since thats when my child care ended. What an utter waste of time and effort

I havent read the whole thread so sorry if i am repeating.

I grew up with a chronically late mother. I remember waiting by the library door with my little sister after it had closed for her to pick us up.
Sometimes nearly an hour.
I used to resend her until recently.
I realised that i think she is / was bipolar in a way and she has discalculia. Discalculic cannot understand the concept of time and passing time. How long is as mysterious as trying to understand chinese when you dont speak the language.

I have an 11yrs old who is midly discalculic. She wont end up like my mum because we re helping her and she will know how to get to things on time.

For some people being late is in a way not their fault. I credit my mum because she is a lot better now that she is retired. But i still keep her in check 😉

As for me, i am always dead on time if not early

Yes to the OCD comment - I have this and sometimes will find it hard to get out of the house until it's obvious I'm going to be late. Then the stress of being late (because I do care about being on time and really don't think it's ok!) takes over, and I can get out finally. Any 'spare' time, though, and a ritual or final check will always present itself as a must-do.

I'm less bad at being late for friends these days as the aforementioned anxiety at being late does counteract the OCD-related anxiety to feel 'just right' in my checks, and I have always managed very important timings like flights, interviews, etc., by building in great swathes of extra time. Still have nearly missed at least one flight in the past though after fitting in just one last ritual... My main issue these days is getting to bed. Since there is no terrible consequence to being late, I often end up finally in bed 45 minutes or so after I intended to be there. Knackered all the time.

All the late people wouldn't be too happy if they where the ones left waiting constantly

I had a friend like this.Constsntly late.Her problem was faffing

Same. Isn’t it funny how people are so blasé about being late for others yet throw a tantrum when others are late for them. They think the world revolves around them, so rude.

I know this is going to be unpopular but DH and I are ‘late people’, but so are a lot of our friends and family so nobody really cares, we just aren’t that bothered about rushing about to be somewhere exactly on time when it doesn’t really matter.

But it depends on the situation really doesn’t it, e.g. if we’re meeting a group of friends for brunch at 11, I don’t think it really matters if one or all of us end up arriving at 11:20. And if a party ‘starts at 7pm’, I’d expect people to turn up any time after that. But if it’s something that’s time dependent like a film or show then we’ll be there when we need to be. Neither of us are late for anything formal/professional.

But like I say, most of our friends and family are pretty laid back and like this themselves. We had to lie about the ceremony time for our wedding so everyone would be there when it started, there were still people running in as I was about to walk down the aisle.

I have dyspraxia and time is something I really, really struggle with. I start work at 8.30am but have trained myself to aim to get there for 8 so I am not late to begin. I write out schedules for my days with timings, but somehow always forget to account for traffic/queues/needing to go to the cash point. I have been sat in my car sobbing because I’m late for something, only by a few minutes, but again. It really hurts, having read this thread, to know that while I am going through this and really bloody trying, the people at the other end perhaps just think I’m entitled or I consider my time more important. SO many people on here are suggesting it’s rude whilst being quite rude themselves. Do you consider the child who can’t catch a ball lazy for not trying harder to be coordinated? Or the adult who struggles to learn to drive entitled and assuming everyone else will give them lifts? I suspect not.

SO many people on here are suggesting it’s rude whilst being quite rude themselves

When you have moved schedules around, cancelled other appointments and done your best in your busy lifestyle to arrange to meet up with people you care about and they are hours late how can you not think it’s rude? I now just leave if someone is late. Not to punish them or be unkind but simply because my life is so busy that I don’t have the luxury of having hours to spare in the middle of the day to wait. It would be lovely to have that luxury but I don’t. I have work, school pick ups etc and those times cannot be simply ignored because my friend showed up late.

I find it stressful when people are early or on the dot. Makes things feel very formal and pressured. I'd much rather have quite a chilled approach to arrangements with friends and family. If I invite someone for a meal I'm not going to have it ready for the moment they walk through the door because I want to be relaxed and spend time with them, so if they're an hour or two after the time we agreed it's not an issue. Of course if I had a booking for a restaurant etc I'd be on time but often because we've done something else first nearby so that we aren't rushing to be somewhere at a specific time. I hate booking holidays for the same reason, the commitment to agree in advance what I'll be doing at a specific time in the future feels too restrictive.

That said, I accept the people I like and love for who they are so if you want to come early or on the dot, knock yourself out - no judgment here.

If that respect and consideration doesn't extend the other way, I'd probably not want to spend time with you because we would be too different.

Because I am incredibly bad at estimating how long things are going to take me (even if I do them every day). It’s like chronological illiteracy.

I’m a lot better since I started setting multiple alarms when I’m getting ready / for five minutes before I have to leave etc but it’s a constant struggle for me and doesn’t come naturally at all.

Hate it a bad habit. I temp so have be on time. I dont like waiting around til my friend's bus appears. Anyway she much better now! Nothing worse than hanging around though waiting.