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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband threw away my cooking pot 😡

172 replies

CoCoCorona · 15/05/2020 04:13

So things were going so nice. I was enjoying lockdown with my dh. Really felt we’d made a deeper connection than ever in the last 2 months.

2 days ago I was about to cook and couldn’t find my pot. It belonged to my mum (who died many years ago) so it has sentimental value. I loved cooking in that pot. It was old and rustic. The base was all uneven and the handle was a bit loose but that’s what made it my favourite pot. I have so many memories of my mum making things in it.

I looked for it everywhere whilst dh sat there acting like he didn’t know. I checked back of cupboards, on top, dishwasher everywhere.

After half an hour he tells me that it broke a few weeks ago whilst he was washing. Apparently it fell and the handle snapped off from the base and so he threw it away.

FFS. We have broken things lying in the house for months and years and he won’t dispose of them...but my mum’s pot breaks and he made the executive decision to chuck it without even telling me 😡. I’ve not spoken to him properly for 2 days now. And I’m really sad my mum’s pot is in some dump somewhere.

OP posts:

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/05/2020 13:20

And fwiw, I too have things from my parents, some of them just daft little things, kind of like the OP I have a mixing bowl that they had even when I was tiny. When I see those things it makes me smile at the memories it brings. Then I get on with it and mix whatever. I don't sit and sob, or sit and reminisce, for an hour. It's not unhealthy, it's just nice. So (dons hard hat) if it was one of those things DP broke, I'd at least want to say goodbye to it!!

I feel exactly the same. No gnashing and wailing and shouting "My life is worthless now, take me too!" - just a smile and a pleasant memory of my Mum making gravy for our family Sunday roast 30 years ago in the same way as I am now with the exact same jug.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/05/2020 13:22

That would upset me too, OP.
SO thoughtless.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 15/05/2020 13:27

The pot was old and broken and it sounds like your DH was frightened of the mood you were going to be in when you found out about it.

Could there be some truth in this commitment @CoCoCorona? Could he have kept quiet because he was worried about how you would react? X

Surely he would have known that, however sadly or angrily she might react, her reaction was hardly going to be lessened after he'd sat and watched her turning the place upside down to search for it whilst he feigned ignorance?

In our house the kitchen isn't divided into my things and his things. We just have things. If a thing is broken it is quite normal to bin it and I wouldn't even think of telling DH 'straight away'.

We jointly own all of our kitchen stuff, but some of it has much more sentimental value because it was a wedding present that's served us well for 20 years or maybe came from the house of one of our parents or grandparents and we can remember them using it.

If one of us breaks a standard 50p Wilkos pint glass that we bought a couple of years ago or a generic breakfast bowl, of course we just clear it up and then forget about it.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/05/2020 13:33

I also remember a very sad one where a woman’s nasty, hateful MIL gaslighted her by claiming that she’d “just thrown away a huge pile of generic old clutter that was unsightly, lying about and dangerously in the way” after 'checking up on the house unasked' whilst they were on holiday (bad enough: not her call), when she’d actually gone rummaging in her DIL’s wardrobe, found a shoebox containing clearly precious old photos and memories and deliberately binned them. The bin men had been before they returned. Curiously enough, she hadn’t ‘fallen over’ any of her own son’s precious things that ‘needed’ to be binned.

I remember that one, too Sausageroll.

I was furious on the poster's behalf.

GrannyWeatherwaxsBroomstick · 15/05/2020 13:44

@Ginfordinner no I don’t sulk or do the silent treatment and I am rarely upset. I have a great relationship with DH who is a lovely man, but if I am upset I don’t like to be told that’s enough because he has had enough. Sometimes I just need some space.

Original poster

CoCoCorona · 15/05/2020 13:52

I find the “walking on eggshells” comments really hurtful because it’s not like that at all. I don’t understand why some people can’t understand that if someone broke something that belonged to you, why wouldn’t you just tell them? He’s broken tonnes of stuff before and it’s left lying in the kitchen for me to find, and I dispose of it appropriately. He knew that I felt differently about this pot and he hid it from me. Maybe to save my feelings as I was caring for my ill Dad since lockdown. I wasn’t at home during the day for 6 weeks when lockdown happened as the doctors had told us my dad was about to die. I think he didn’t want to upset me further.

We’ve not even mentioned the pot since it happened, and he’s certainly not walking on eggshells. He knows he should’ve told me when it broke.

OP posts:

Daisydoesnt · 15/05/2020 14:00

Not quite sure what you mean by pot (?) but if it's something you cooked in and the handle was loose or actually broke then that's a nasty accident waiting to happen. Imagine carrying it full of hot custard (which you said you made in it with your mother) to the table and it breaking and splashing all over someone. That could cause a really horrible burn.

Wolfiefan · 15/05/2020 14:03

He hid it because he knew how you felt.
He was afraid of your reaction. Can’t blame him.

EKGEMS · 15/05/2020 14:16

Ah,yes the normal posters are here who are always contrarians to human emotions or feelings and insist that any and all are abusers and have no right to exist!

Wronglettertotimothy · 15/05/2020 15:17

You think he didn’t want to upset you further because your Dad is seriously unwell too?

My lovely, I’m really sorry, this sounds a massively horrible time for you.

But it’s not about your lovely Mum’s pot at all is it? Can you have a good long chat with some people in real life?

thedancingbear · 15/05/2020 16:06

Ah,yes the normal posters are here who are always contrarians to human emotions or feelings and insist that any and all are abusers and have no right to exist!

Oh for fuck's sake. Of course she's allowed to be upset and to show emotion.

But giving her husband the silent treatment for days on end is shite. When people come on here and say their husband's done it, it's (rightly) called out as abusive.

I'm not saying for a second that the OP is an abuser (no-one's used that word) but her behaviour is what it is.

HungryForSnacks · 15/05/2020 16:13

Yeah the walking on eggshells comments aren't cool. That insinuates it's all OP's fault when he's the knob for not owning up.

Sorry OP, the discarded pot would really upset me too. And the way he's handled it has been shit

thedancingbear · 15/05/2020 16:17

Sorry OP, the discarded pot would really upset me too. And the way he's handled it has been shit

But the OP's behaviour hasn't been great either tbf. If her DP (who presumably knows her as well as anyone) has an idea that days of stonewalling are likely to ensue, then it's not that surprising he was reluctant to own up.

EKGEMS · 15/05/2020 16:21

You're really stretching and trying to find any reason to defend this woman's husband toddler like behavior such as breaking an item then hiding it by throwing it out!

NearlyGranny · 15/05/2020 16:30

It's not even the pot so much, OP, though that's important, it's the sitting mum while you went through everything looking for it. Who could do that?

My DH will tell stupid lies to get out of momentary difficulties and wind up in a much worse predicament. He does learn, but slowly. Thing is, I always know when it's a lie, because he answers very quickly in a flat tone and then starts talking about something totally different and really, really important. I think he thinks he's deflecting me, but in fact it rings all my alarm bells.

"I knew you'd be upset if I told you," he excuses himself. "Yes, but not half as upset as I am now because you lied to me on top of whatever it was!"

thedancingbear · 15/05/2020 16:52

You're really stretching and trying to find any reason to defend this woman's husband toddler like behavior such as breaking an item then hiding it by throwing it out!

Not at all. He's been a plonker. But giving someone the silent treatment for days on end - particularly at a time when he presumably has no other adult company - is horrible behaviour. It's very wrong of posters to suggest that it's an okay thing to do - if only with her own interests in mind, abuse begets abuse.

VenusTiger · 15/05/2020 17:14

Sorry to hear this OP, I get sentimentally attached to stuff also - but, I actually think he threw it out because he accidentally broke it (too heavy handed or dropped with wet hands) so he tried to hide the evidence so that you wouldn't have to see it broken - he must have thought putting it in the bin would solve the reaction to it being broken. He didn't break it on purpose, but he should've just come clean and told you at the time.

Don't pass this materialistic view of the world onto your DD though - ignoring your DH for this is actually as bad as what he's done imo. Get yourself a new version of the pot (you can buy old/retro pots), make it your own, give it a burnt base and then pass it on to your DD one day.

thedancingbear · 15/05/2020 17:17

Get yourself a new version of the pot (you can buy old/retro pots), make it your own, give it a burnt base and then pass it on to your DD one day.

Exactly this. If you need help burning the bottom, I've plenty of expertise :)

billy1966 · 15/05/2020 22:32

OP, please don't take on board the harsh replies thatvsome people have posted.

You are obviously having a hard time.

That pot was a physical part of your mum and when your used it, you physically connected with her...the food, the smells, her face as she cooked, so many emotions.

She used that pot so often, it was a part of her.

I can understand you are gutted, just gutted.

You are genuinely silent because you are just so gutted.

It's a little bit of grief for your Mum being regurgitated all over again.

I get it.

Mind yourself. Grief is gutting.

Daphnise · 15/05/2020 22:35

It was broken and needed to be thrown away.

Good memories of your mother remain, and don't require the presence of a pot.

avroroad · 15/05/2020 22:50

That pot was a physical part of your mum

This is a joke, right?

ScreamingBeans · 16/05/2020 11:35

Jesus some people are twats.

I don't have much emotional attachment to things. I accept that they break, they crack, things happen. It's upsetting and sad but you have to accept it and make room in your life for other stuff.

But FFS, I understand that some people invest huge emotional attachment into certain items and I wouldn't think it was my call to throw something away that might be precious to someone else. I'd ask first.

Why is that seemingly impossible? It's fucking baffling.

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