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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband threw away my cooking pot 😡

172 replies

CoCoCorona · 15/05/2020 04:13

So things were going so nice. I was enjoying lockdown with my dh. Really felt we’d made a deeper connection than ever in the last 2 months.

2 days ago I was about to cook and couldn’t find my pot. It belonged to my mum (who died many years ago) so it has sentimental value. I loved cooking in that pot. It was old and rustic. The base was all uneven and the handle was a bit loose but that’s what made it my favourite pot. I have so many memories of my mum making things in it.

I looked for it everywhere whilst dh sat there acting like he didn’t know. I checked back of cupboards, on top, dishwasher everywhere.

After half an hour he tells me that it broke a few weeks ago whilst he was washing. Apparently it fell and the handle snapped off from the base and so he threw it away.

FFS. We have broken things lying in the house for months and years and he won’t dispose of them...but my mum’s pot breaks and he made the executive decision to chuck it without even telling me 😡. I’ve not spoken to him properly for 2 days now. And I’m really sad my mum’s pot is in some dump somewhere.

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 15/05/2020 08:35

By the way, you say “all those memories thrown away”; they haven’t been thrown away! You’ll always have the memories, even if you don’t have the pot.

SunflowerSeedsForever · 15/05/2020 08:38

Almost identical story a few days ago, cooking plate thrown away bu a husband and now a cooking pot. Although that thread wont load.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/05/2020 08:38

It's an overreaction over an object

The point is it wasn't just an object it was a memory of someone gone and when you lose those objects it feels like losing one of the last threads of the person.

OP something I found helped when a comparable item was accidentally lost to me was to write down a description of the object and the memories I associated with that person and object. My DC have enjoyed some of those "small" stories more than I expected which was a bonus.

Oblomov20 · 15/05/2020 08:40

That would seriously fucking piss me off. Like majorly! AngryAngry

sahbear · 15/05/2020 08:48

Reminds me of when a few months after my Mum died (suddenly in her 60s), and I commented that my Mum never showed me how to prune the roses like she intended. DH said, 'Well google it.'
The lack of empathy and the idea your DH can replace your Mum's old pot with a new one.🙄
Sorry for your loss.

JoysOfString · 15/05/2020 08:48

Op I would be upset too. I think he broke it and was too cowardly to tell you, so binned it to hide the evidence and deluded himself you wouldn’t notice.

When my ex had an “emotional” (probably physical) affair with his colleague, what hurt most was when he lent her my beloved old cooking pot! It’s an emotional, important thing. It’s not just that it was your mum’s, but that you associate it with her cooking for you and caring for you, and you doing the same for your DC.

It won’t be the same pot but could you look on eBay for something similar? To take you old pots place as a reminder. Or as a PP said, get really quality new one that will last and be a pleasure to use, and that you can pass on one day.

I would also want to sit down with your h and talk it over properly. If he can’t understand sentimental value, explain it to him and ask him not to do anything like that again.

Thankgoodness1 · 15/05/2020 08:55

I’m a very sentimental person too. I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’d be upset too.

Saying that, I’d be upset because he didn’t tell you before he decided to chuck it in the bin and then lied when confronted with the question. That’s fucked up.

Lowprofilename · 15/05/2020 08:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

billy1966 · 15/05/2020 08:55

That would seriously piss me off too.

It wasn't his to throw out.

If he broke it the least he should have done was tell you what happened.

He was very selfish to put it in the bin quickly, getting it out of the wsy.

That poy could have been used as a plant container in the garden as a reminder to the OP.

So sorry OP.

What a plonker.

Flowers
Katinski · 15/05/2020 08:56

As your dd pointed out, you still have your mum's rolling pin....am I giving you any ideas, OP? WinkGrin

Solina · 15/05/2020 08:56

@Gtugccbjb Me and my OH are similar. There is not a single item in the house that would upset me if it broke/went missing. I do like everything, it wouldn't be in the house if I didn't but I am not attached. I do understand why others get attached though.

OP I do think 2 days of not speaking is a little ott. The damage is done now, nothing will change that and it is upsetting but the memories will never dissapear, I promise that. I have many good memories of people that involve items I have not seen for years. The memories never dissapear.

saffy1234 · 15/05/2020 08:57

The worst bit is him sitting there watching you look!!!
God,how selfish!

Solina · 15/05/2020 08:58

Oh also btw, I should have said that I do think he should have told you when it broke. It was not ok to just bin it.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/05/2020 09:00

I do really feel for you, OP. I was really upset when my dh broke a glass dish that had belonged to my GM - it wasn’t even very beautiful but had a lot of sentimental value since it was always used for orange jelly with mandarin oranges in, when we visited for her lovely teas (lots of things we hardly ever had at home.).
Dh was very apologetic, and of course being glass there was no way to mend it.

I’m v cross with your dh for not telling you at the time, though, so it could perhaps have been mended.

PicsInRed · 15/05/2020 09:01

What would his reaction be if you threw away something he treasured? Even if you accidentally broke it? What if you just threw away literal rubbish he wasnt ready to throw away yet (an old box or something)? From what you've said about his refusal to throw away his rubbish, I bet he'd be incandescent.

And that's both the problem and the clue.

AnotherMurkyDay · 15/05/2020 09:02

The lying about it and letting it look would upset me more than actually getting rid of the item. I'm not overly sentimental but I would be upset about the pan too. You can be upset and angry without sulking though, the silent treatment is not Ok

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/05/2020 09:08

I'd be angry too, but, being sensible about it, he broke an item which had no sentimental connection to him and threw it away.

How many times do we read about women whose partners wear tatty old sweaters that they can't wait to sling in the bin when their partner isn't looking?

He had no connection to the pot. He should have asked you, and he should have known, but I'd guess, in the moment, it was just a broken pot to him.

You need to move on. As your DD said, you still have things of your mum's. Forgive him, he was an unthinking idiot, but he didn't do it deliberately.

Watermelontea · 15/05/2020 09:18

@TheSandgroper - Thank you, that give me some hope!
I’m hoping that one day I’ll just stumble upon it, but every time I’m doing a clean or tidy, I lose a little bit of hope.
I’m so glad your mother’s ring was found, even if it was somewhat worse for wear.

NoSauce · 15/05/2020 09:21

I would be like you OP.
I’m sorry Flowers

RingaRosie · 15/05/2020 09:22

Maybe you & DD could choose a new pot, and start a new mother / daughter tradition? Money no object, thanks DH! (Le Creuset?)

My Dad once threw my Mum’s best gold earrings (years old) down the sink, thinking the cup they were soaking in was his false teeth cup!

She lost the plot, and said “give me your credit card, I’m off to the jewelers”. Luckily he found them in the u-bend after much sweat & tears...

CuteOrangeElephant · 15/05/2020 09:24

I was going to suggest getting a Le Creuset like some previous posters!

GrumpyHoonMain · 15/05/2020 09:26

My DH is like this - his stuff is allowed to rot / rust or gather dust for years but when it comes to clearing stuff out he focusses on my things. But even he would have checked first. Your DH sounds like an idiot to be honest and the first thing I’d do in your situation is throw out something he loves.

BlindAssassin1 · 15/05/2020 09:27

I disagree with pp saying you need to get over it.

When my G-GM died my DDad wanted a green vase as he was very close to her, practically raised by her. It was given away, as a matter of spite. My mother took it upon herself to hunt high and low for a copy, auction houses, antique shops and she found a fair copy. Then an exact copy come up, so they have a pair. That's what a loving partner does, not ditch your stuff. These things are tangible objects that let you stay near to loved ones. I can't believe people are so callous tbh.

Littleshortcake · 15/05/2020 09:27

He was sneaky in not telling you. I think he knew full well it would upset you and to be honest I would be angry. But I would also treat myself to something nice. Plus I would get some revenge ......

CeibaTree · 15/05/2020 09:35

Ahh OP this is very sad :( I feel connected to my mum when I use her rolling pin and would be devastated if it got thrown away - especially by someone who denied it and let me search high and low for it without saying anything - that is just cruel and would really make me reassess my opinion of that person.

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